Soccer is not a hill to die on!

[Walking-Iris]

My oldest ds (pdd-nos/ocd/anxiety) has had two practices this week before the start of the soccer season. He's in the 4th but we kept him in the 2nd/3rd grade age league since the 4th/5th/6th boy's league is too competitive and aggressive for him.

 

This would have been his second year playing. He did an okay job last year. He has some gross motor skills delays and some auditory processing issues. All of which have significantly improved since last year. But he was just having a hard time knowing where to go, where to stand, and what was expected from him, but he soldiered through it. Fast forward to this week and it's the same, maybe a bit worse. He came to us on water break just in tears. "I can't run fast enough. I can't kick hard enough. I don't know what I'm supposed to do." And a few other things. "I hate soccer. I don't want to do it."

 

He wasn't just a *little* frustrated. He was seriously not feeling it at all--deep, real emotional upset. We had a good long talk with him and we decided he doesn't have to play soccer. Now or ever.

 

My town is very competitive. A very sporty place. Everyone I've ever met buys into it on some level. If your kid isn't excelling in some sport type activity by the time they can walk, they're not excelling at much of anything. It drives me crazy. Always with the "my kid can/does/did__" I don't know. I'm having an Alfie Kohn moment. Anyone read No Contest? Anyway.

 

My ds will likely always have some gross motor control issues. I have never seen his self-esteem or confidence in himself drop like I saw it today. I think we did the right thing. I think what I said was, "Some things you have to do even if you don't want to--like math. Soccer isn't one of them."

 

Anyway. Anyone else have competitive team sports or physical activities that they've struggled with? How do you address those situations with your child?

[EKS]

Yes. My older son insisted on playing on teams when he was 9-10yo. He was truly awful and we decided to end the torture for everyone (including his teammates) after a disastrous baseball season (where he never once swung at a pitch).

 

My younger son is not quite as bad because he at least understands the rules of the game(s), but I'm going to be less than enthusiastic when he wants to sign up for basketball this year.

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

 

You're right; it's not a hill to die on.

 

That said, perhaps a more individual sport might be a better fit down the road. Swimming, tennis, golf, running . . .

[Alte Veste Academy]

perhaps a more individual sport might be a better fit down the road. Swimming, tennis, golf, running . . .

 

I totally agree with Strider, assuming he has interest in something else. I don't really push interest. I require my kids to get exercise but they don't have to participate in organized sports.

 

Anyone else have competitive team sports or physical activities that they've struggled with? How do you address those situations with your child?

 

When he was younger, DS9 decided he wanted to play soccer after making some friends who played. Well, DS has always been a anxious by nature. I actually tried to nudge him in another direction because I instinctively felt soccer was wrong for his personality, but he wanted to be like his friends.

 

We made three practices. He was in heaven with the other kids, doing running drills and the thing where they kick the ball back and forth to each other. He was doing so well, I figured I had been wrong. But then they started practicing competitively, intercepting the ball from each other (you can tell I am down with all the lingo LOL). He just froze. He would literally stop in his tracks when the coach said, "Get the ball!" and look at DH and me like :001_unsure:. No one could figure out why he would be doing so well and then all of the sudden freeze. Then a lightbulb came on and I realized he was too "polite" to steal the ball. :lol: He had a younger brother and sister and had been told "no snatching!" for as long as he can remember and to take the toy that someone else was playing with was too much for him. He couldn't do it because it made him anxious, like it was ingrained in him deep down and it felt wrong to physically be pushing and kicking and taking the ball. DH, the coach (a lovely man), and I all talked to him, explained that it was OK, that no one would be upset, that it was the point of the game and not snatching, etc., etc., etc. but to no effect. I asked him if he wanted to keep playing and he said no, so that was our last experience with soccer.

 

I know now that it was anxiety. He can't play basketball either. We bought a hoop for the driveway and he can nail the shots (he's really good at shooting!) but when other kids come over, he is just too anxious and it all feels too aggressive to him. It makes him physically uncomfortable to play something that aggressive. With DH, DD, DS6, and me he can do it. With casual acquaintances or strangers, no way.

 

Aggressive team sports are not right for him, but he longed to be part of a team like his other friends. This boy loves extracurriculars (which I always find so ironic since he is prone to anxiety). So, he plays sports in which you can still be on a team but performance is individual (swimming and baseball for now, but I can easily imagine him running track when he's older). He loves these experiences. They are the highlight of his week. So far, nothing has been better for him physically or mentally than swimming.

 

That said, I don't think a child ever needs to participate in any sport to be a complete human being so if there is no interest at all, I would simply drop it. It wouldn't be my hill to die on. Heck, I wouldn't even start climbing that hill to begin with. :tongue_smilie:

Edited September 1, 2012 by Alte Veste Academy

[Mommyfaithe]

Not a hill to die on at all. Not even a hill to fight on. There are lots of individual athletic experiences where one can improve themselves without even the thought of competition with another person. Those are my favorites!

[FrogMom5]

Your post made me cry. Sports are supposed to be fun for kids, not make them feel bad. In addition to what has already been posted, I have a couple of ideas for you.

 

Tae Kwon Do. It's a great sport, individual and great for helping with coordination. It also one of the best activities for core strength.

 

Scouts, though not a sport, involves lots of hiking, camping, canoeing activities. There are merit badges that work on individual fitness goals but no competitive, team sport stuff.

 

Oh, my dh says running and building up to a 5k could be fun. You or your dh would need to run with him every other day. He could start with some 1 mile fun runs/walks as a goal. Once he built up to the 1 mile level, he could then set the goal of running a 5k. There is no pressure to be fast and, if he sticks with it, there are running clubs to join. It's a good, lifelong sport. http://www.runnersworld.com has charts for kids and many good suggestions.

HTH Give him a big hug and tell him that he's a great kid.

Denise

[ZooRho]

I'm so very sorry that he had a bad experience. Seriously that is just sad, and that is poor coaching too.

 

We have highly competitive teams here but we also have rec leagues that are for anyone yes the older they get they can be a bit more competitive but still your son would have been on a team and playing.

 

I also coached a Softball team in Uganda. We had some kids that had a bit of a clue, but some had no clue. The kids were middle school age. I ended up the coach by default- I was the American, but I was just suppose to be the team mom. We had a few kids who had played, including my son.

 

Anyway, dh also helped us out. I had one kid that was just terrible always struck out, couldn't run, I don't remember the outfield stuff for him. Any way he wore glasses once during practice dh had him take the glasses off. He could finally see the ball coming the entire time, he evidently had been losing sight of it. Now this didn't help him hit the ball, BUT he was big and the pitcher's weren't that good either so he was getting balls instead of strikes, so he could have walked.

 

Anyway at the end of the season there was an All Star game, We got to pick 5 kids to play. I asked the head guy how to pick. He said it was my choice, and it didn't have to be the best. SO, In my picking, I did pick my son, he'd been at all the practices and was a good player, picked another for similar reasons, then I picked 2 more of the better players-or some other choice, BUT the cool thing. I watched the big kid's face as I was telling who was on the All Stars, it ws so down, knowing he wasn't good enough to get on the team, EXCEPT that I got to Choose. So my last choice was him, as the most improved player. He worked so hard, he tried every time.

 

So at the All Stars game he FINALLY gets the walk, makes it to the base and even scores a run. A highlight of my time there.

[Heathermomster]

Have you looked at UPWARD? We found UPWARD soccer and flag football to be a more gentle approach to team sports.

Edited September 1, 2012 by Heathermomster

[Dmmetler]

Soccer and T-ball were both total fails here. DD simply couldn't handle it. And like your area, this is a "sporty" community, where parks and recreation has a dedicated "Soccer park" and just about every kid is on a team.

 

DD has done better in more individually coached activities, like gymnastics (not that she's particularly GOOD at it, but that with the individual coaching, she feels successful and is able to make progress), and she cheers on a Young Champions team, which has an inclusive philosophy and tries to make it a positive experience for all kids. Her head coach has a daughter with Aspergers, so she's very understanding of DD's sensory issues.

[dtsmamtj]

If my son with CAPD/LD, etc. plays a sport it will be for the first time this year - he is in 9th grade. He won't be playing for the PS, but just a community/recreation group. I would second Upward, I have heard really good things about them. He has learned a variety of different sports to some extent over the years, lacross, soccer, swimming, and basketball. These have mainly been through mini camps.

[RobinF]

We made the decision for one of our boys this year that he wouldn't play soccer. He was upset with us at the time but we decided that we didn't want to put him in a sport that he couldn't be successful at (even if he wasn't great). Instead we are doing horseback riding lessons and he is loving it. I am glad we made the choice that we did.

[Stacy in NJ]

I feel for your ds. That just sounds so discouraging and frustrating.

 

Physical activity can be so much fun and so satisfying, though. Like some other posters have suggested, I would look for individual sports or simple activites (hiking, kite flying, swimming, karate, running) that he can do with a coach or a group just for fun. Do you have a YMCA in your area? They frequently offer more relaxed gym/sports classes that are just for fun.

[Walking-Iris]

Thank you so much for your replies. He is in a karate class and just received his yellow belt, he loves it! I think he likes it because it's black and white, right or wrong, consistent, repetitive, and the only one he has to compete against is himself. The other kids are not in there to "win"--they're in there to help each other learn. They've become friends and they're always there---every week.

 

We are going to try basketball with our co-op, but if the kickball games they play are any clue, he may not like that either. We are contemplating hockey-- skating lessons only, not games. Both my boys like skating.

 

My ds also does great playing for the fun of it in our backyard, even kicking the soccer ball around. He likes playing tennis and par 3 golf with my dh---just the two of them. I'm thinking sporty things will be pure exercise hobbies for him and he may not enjoy the team win/lose situations. I also much prefer to get my exercise on my own in an individual manner.

 

He also dislikes the aggressiveness of the games. He would not try to take the ball from another kid no matter how hard he was encouraged to do it. Getting into another kids personal space and kicking at them and taking their ball was not something he relished. And on the flip side he was all too willing to give up the ball to whoever tried to get it from him. :lol:

 

Yep---we talked some more and he's completely happy with his decision.

[TranquilMind]

:grouphug:

 

You're right; it's not a hill to die on.

 

That said, perhaps a more individual sport might be a better fit down the road. Swimming, tennis, golf, running . . .

 

 

Right. This particular sport might not be his thing, but he may love something else.

 

Or he may just want to play something non-competitively.

 

My daughter is at a heavy-duty academic school with a very heavy courseload. She decided she might want to try the soccer team. Because there were not an abundance of members, there were no cuts. She just began practicing with them. Well, the coach required that they practice for over 2 hours every single day and on Saturday! It wasn't fun practice either, but intense. And there were some paperwork issues that kept arising, even though everything had been provided early on. After a couple of weeks of this, she decided she needed the time to study and would just play for fun when they practiced out on the green. She's enjoyed that a lot more.

[gingersmom]

I would try ice skating.

 

My son is 100% anti-team sports but loves loves ice skating. In fact my non-athletic child (who still refuses to ride a bike), took 1 group lesson and has been skating ever since (nearly 10 years later).

[Sharilynn29]

When I read that you lived in an area where sports/activities for kids is some sort of sick, twisted way for parents to feel good about themselves (ok, paraphrasing a bit), I thought, "She must live near me." I saw Illinois and my suspicion is correct. We live west of Chicago, and it's insane.

 

My SIL told me in front of her daughter that she better make varsity in softball and volleyball next year as a freshman. It's all about status here. Thankfully I have good friends that don't follow that trend.

 

No, soccer is not the end all be all. I'm glad that you can see this as not just a bad day. I'm all for sticking to commitments, but our kids should come first.

[6wishes]

Thank you so much for your replies. He is in a karate class and just received his yellow belt, he loves it! I think he likes it because it's black and white, right or wrong, consistent, repetitive, and the only one he has to compete against is himself. The other kids are not in there to "win"--they're in there to help each other learn. They've become friends and they're always there---every week.

 

We are going to try basketball with our co-op, but if the kickball games they play are any clue, he may not like that either. We are contemplating hockey-- skating lessons only, not games. Both my boys like skating.

 

My ds also does great playing for the fun of it in our backyard, even kicking the soccer ball around. He likes playing tennis and par 3 golf with my dh---just the two of them. I'm thinking sporty things will be pure exercise hobbies for him and he may not enjoy the team win/lose situations. I also much prefer to get my exercise on my own in an individual manner.

 

He also dislikes the aggressiveness of the games. He would not try to take the ball from another kid no matter how hard he was encouraged to do it. Getting into another kids personal space and kicking at them and taking their ball was not something he relished. And on the flip side he was all too willing to give up the ball to whoever tried to get it from him. :lol:

 

Yep---we talked some more and he's completely happy with his decision.

 

I was so encouraged by your post. I'm so happy for you and your son,and your ability to swim upstream. I waited so long before putting my kids in anything because I can't stand how the parents can be. So many times it's about them, and not the kids! Competitive moms are the worst to me, and I avoid them at all costs!