My homeschool dilema

[UmMusa]

I know some of you struggle with "is homeschooling the right fit for my famiyl" while othes would never budge.

 

I'm writing today b/c after a talk last night with DH, I realized that while he doesn't oppose homeschooling, he isn't so much into it. He has no problem putting them in public. In fact, he sees that my stress has skyrocketed since homeschooling and that I've dropped other duties like keeping up with cooking and housework (and household shopping). He's right, those things changed when we started homeschooling.

 

Well, here's the deal: I think I'm feeling like I"m taking the bigger part of raising the children and am feelin bitter towards him. I feel he doesn't do much with the kids, but he is happy with his level of interaction with them. Of course with h/s, I interact with them constantly and so I feel like he should pitch in more when he's home b/c by then I am a little drained. He still interacts with them the way he always did...(which I won't try to quantify here b/c it will sound one-sided and unfair).

 

He thinks it might serve me better to not homeschool them since I'm taking on more stress by dealing with their awful schooltime moods in addition to dealing with everyday stress of having four young children. Bascially,he's not really into helping me out MORE than he ever has... and he thinks I"m asking for more stress and that they'd be JUST FINE and just as fine in public school.

 

Looking ahead to September... I wonder if I should change paths. I will pray about it. I love the idea of homeschool. It sounds ideal and perfect even with the bumps in the road. But my kids (even the one who never went to public school) don't have good attitudes about our schoolwork and I do go through many ups and downs DAILY which wear me out.

 

Do you have any advice? I asked a similar question last spring about how do you know when to give up... and I thought we got over that, but confirming how my DH is kind of neither here nor there about h/s is making me think I shouldn't do it alone. He isn't against it, he just isn't doing anything to support it.

[Dana]

That's tough. :grouphug:

 

I quit two weeks ago. I was fed up with the daily battles. I started looking at virtual schools, but my husband has picked up where I left off and is teaching our son after he gets home from work. I've taken over cleaning that he usually does.

 

It's interesting for me to back off, let go of some of the control, and see what my husband does. It'll be different...but what I was doing wasn't working. We'll see how this goes for a time and whether I pick back up or if we do a virtual school or if he keeps teaching.

 

I really don't know how people do it without wholehearted support of their spouse.

 

So no advice...other than to continue to talk with your husband until. You can come to a meeting of minds...but a lot of sympathy. It's tough! :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

It would be hard for me to homeschool if my dh wasn't supportive.

 

What are the reasons you decided to homeschool? How will your life change if you don't homeschool? You don't have to answer me, but those are questions I would ask myself.

 

I hate stress, I have a huge amount lately and homeschooling is sort of my solace in the midst of the storm (we start back next week, so we'll see how that goes), but homeschooling which adds more stress would be hard.

 

My son is not a huge fan of school. I didn't like public school. I came to the conclusion it's okay for him not to like school, but he must present a good attitude, he must work and he must be respectful. As he's gotten older and we can mold some of the education to his interests, it's gotten better. I do make a point of reminding him what we sacrifice and how much time I put into homeschooling.

 

The housework/household stuff would irk me, if dh didn't step up. Dh has always done more than enough around the house. Homeschooling takes full-time effort. I have to treat it as a job and disconnect from my household while doing it. I can't be in both worlds at the same time. Now we clean up after ourselves during the day, but I'm not worried about dinner while I'm focused on algebra, kwim.

 

Dh gets that, I worked before ds was born, so it's like having two working parents. He knows Monday is going to be pizza or hotdogs for dinner because I'm drained. He had to change his expectations when we started homeschooling. If your dh is expecting the same household management style just because you're home during the day, that would be hard.

 

I don't think public school is the bad guy all the time. Homeschooling is not the right decision for everyone. If the benefits don't outweigh the stress, I'd reevaluate your decision. :grouphug:

[EmmaNZ]

Honestly, I would spend my time praying in Ramadan about it. It's the BEST time for dua. You know that! Make dua about your DH as well. Pray istikhara. By the end of Ramadan you will know what direction you want to take inshAllah.

 

There is nothing wrong with school. The question is which is better for your family? Only you can answer that really. I know in my heart that homeschooling my kiddies at the moment is best for us, and to put them in school would make me feel really sad. I cannot say that in the future I will not change my mind. Some days here are extremely stressful (I have 4 as well, oldest is 7).

 

The difference here is that my DH is the one who really drives our hs. He makes sure we work, he makes allowances for the mess (!), the children know that if they behave badly towards me then he will come down on them like a ton of bricks. I'm not sure I would be able to continue long term without his continued support (and him bringing takeaways home on a regular basis!)

[Desert Rat]

You are certainly in a tough spot and you've gotten some good advice.

 

I'd like to add that when I'm feeling bitter toward the roles I play in my home (cooking, cleaning, childcare, etc.), I remind myself that this is *my* choice. I have chosen this path and it was what I really wanted. There may be bad parts to it and things I don't want to do, but when I realize that it is my choice, it's easier to not harbor resentment.

 

Dh and I fell into our roles. Aside from the one "I take care of the inside of the house, you take care of outside" discussion when we first bought a house, we've never even talked about or defined our roles. He does support homeschooling though and sees the benefits of continuing, so I do have it easier there.

 

Althought you didn't say it, it sounds like you are not happy with your dh's character right now. I might be wrong in that assumption. If I am, I deeply apologize. But, I'd like to tell you a turning point in my marriage and my dh didn't do anything different. There are a few of dh's traits that were almost a breaking point in my marriage. I almost walked away because I couldn't handle it anymore. Then I realized that I'm crazy for him and always will be. I *chose* to stay because I can't imagine a life without him. Nothing in his behavior changed but my attitude did because it no longer became a burden to be married to him; it's what I have chosen. And we were both much happier.

 

Again, I think it's mindset. I might be completely off base here. And I sure don't mean any offense. I hope you find the answers you are seeking.

[Night Elf]

I think given your situation, you need to determine just how much YOU can do and not worry about what your DH will do. It sounds like he is content with what he does and if you push him to do more with the kids and/or around the house, he could become bitter which could hurt your relationship. If he has certain expectations that are not being met such as the housework and cooking, this might be a good time to come to terms with it. I'm not saying do whatever he wants you to do, but be mindful that you each have expectations for the other one and you each get hurt when you feel the other one isn't living up to those expectations. Taking on expectations that are too high is never a good idea.

 

So with that in mind, how much do you think you can do? What are you willing to sacrifice because you can't have it all. The kids' attitudes may not ever change, and their school location will probably not affect their attitudes too much. IOW, there are kids who don't like school whether they are in public school or at home schooling. It is hard being with the kids all day and then having to do it all in the evening too. When my kids were younger, I had burn out moments because I felt it was all never going to end. DH would take care of things while I went out and shopped, usually at Barnes and Noble. Sometimes I would get together with a friend while the kids stayed home with DH. But he never minded so it always worked itself out.

 

What expectations do you have for homeschooling? Was there any type of specific reason you chose homeschooling? Would you be just fine if they were in school. I had my moments when I was okay with my youngest dd being in school. She tried it many times. But there were times I wasn't happy because I knew that having all of us at home was the most important thing. If you're going to be miserable having them at school, then you will be exchanging one set of problems for another.

 

Anyway, it is good to remember that things are not written in stone. If you think you'd like to try school, then put them all in. You can always take them back out if it doesn't work out. Or if you want them all at home, lay out a plan with your DH for how you want things to be and allow him to put in his plans as well. At the very least, it can get you guys on the same page.

[Lisbeth]

I think this just depends on how you feel about ps. Is it an awful choice, or about the same to u as hs? Pretend for a moment education is the only consideration...is it better there than at home? How much is thinking of it as a sitter coloring the decision, and does that matter one way or another? Does your family need daily distance fron each other to promote harmony? Also remember - schools often send home tons of homework, which presumably you'd handle (not dh), and anything you decide for next yr doesn't have to be permanent.

[UmMusa]

Thank you.

 

I feel like sometimes I choose the most difficult path, and it's finally catching up with me. Homeschooling is no joke and I'm wearing myself out trying to pull it all off. He does back me up and does come down hard on the kids when he sees they've been giving me a hard time, but he is frustrated FOR me and sees that I'm stressed out more often than not. I think he, as an outsider, sees that my stress has increased and that I'm not handling it well.

 

Time to pray harder....

[Starr]

Do consider the stress of ps in your decision. You still have to get everyone up and out, be sure they have everything they need for school, lunches, extra curriculas. The school will ask for your help, in school, fund raising etc. After school, when everyone is tired, you get time with your kids. Time to do homework, drive them to activities and get ready for the next day. I always felt I got them at their worst when they were in ps. Raising kids is hard work. Now mine are starting off to college I really miss their younger days. Aren't we moms a funny lot? :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

Thank you.

 

I feel like sometimes I choose the most difficult path, and it's finally catching up with me. Homeschooling is no joke and I'm wearing myself out trying to pull it all off. He does back me up and does come down hard on the kids when he sees they've been giving me a hard time, but he is frustrated FOR me and sees that I'm stressed out more often than not. I think he, as an outsider, sees that my stress has increased and that I'm not handling it well.

 

Time to pray harder....

 

I think in our 3rd year of homeschooling we had a few moments where dh came home and sat us both down, like you would siblings. It just wasn't going the way we had planned. So in that respect you are not alone. We continued to homeschool for a variety of reasons and much of our daily angst is gone.

 

If you decide to put them in school, it does not reflect poorly upon you, it's not failure. It's a readjustment of your sails and that's okay.

[UmMusa]

If you decide to put them in school, it does not reflect poorly upon you, it's not failure. It's a readjustment of your sails and that's okay.

Thank you

Edited July 30, 2012 by UmMusa

[Alte Veste Academy]

If you decide to put them in school, it does not reflect poorly upon you, it's not failure. It's a readjustment of your sails and that's okay.

 

:iagree:

 

The way I am hearing it, you are starting to feel resentful of your DH for not being more involved when you are so incredibly involved, as HS moms always are. The question I would ask myself in your shoes is what would make me more resentful--continuing without full-on support or feeling like I was driven to give up on homeschooling because of a lack of support.

 

In this family, the marriage is paramount. I would do what would cause the least amount of stress to my marriage. I would make the decision that would make me least resentful.

 

That said, it sounds like if you do decide to continue homeschooling, you would need new strategies, plans, goals, maybe external support? I have DH's full support but not much help, if that makes sense. (I mean help with HS specifically, as he does many other things around the house and with the kids in general. It's just that as the 24/7/365 parent, I obviously end up with the lion's share.) There have been times, especially during deployments, when he has heard how frustrated and exhausted I am from the non-stop care and commitment of the kids and has brought up PS. He thought that was supportive. He would remind me that I chose this and seemed to wonder why it wasn't all sunshine and lollipops all the time. You know, because, I chose it. :001_rolleyes: Then I told him one day, "You know, even astronauts have some bad days in space!" (Translation: Living the dream does not make every day a dream come true! ;)) I taught him to just say, "I am sorry you had a hard day. What can I do to help?"

 

At any rate, don't continue HS if it will make you grow more resentful of your DH. Don't send the kids to school if it will make you grow more resentful of your DH.

Edited July 30, 2012 by Alte Veste Academy

[Kaleidoscope]

Similar situation herer in that dh does minimal involvement. Much of the time I feel like a single parent with the added chore of a full grown man child. Hmmmm. I guess that sounds ugly but that's only how I feel when I'm exasperated.

 

Anyhow. I considered ps but honestly I don't think it would help. I'd have 5 schedules, 5 sets of homework, 5 lunches, 5 wardrobes, 5 sets of classroom drama... I doubt it would be less stressful.

 

My Friends who parent similar to my style and have their kids in PS are at the school 3+ days a week. How will that lessen my stress?

 

Now in my case dh wants the kids homeschooled too. He thinks school would be more work for him. Or at least more inconvenience.

[EmmaNZ]

At any rate, don't continue HS if it will make you grow more resentful of your DH. Don't send the kids to school if it will make you grow more resentful of your DH.

:iagree:

 

I also came back to post some excellent advice I received a while back from one of my best friends. She said to always make sure you are in wudu, and to make sure you are reading surah Baqarah regularly at home. She swears that wudu saved her marriage! Both these things have helped me recently as well.

[UmMusa]

:iagree:

 

I also came back to post some excellent advice I received a while back from one of my best friends. She said to always make sure you are in wudu, and to make sure you are reading surah Baqarah regularly at home. She swears that wudu saved her marriage! Both these things have helped me recently as well.

Assalamu alaikom dear Emma, that is interesting advice about wudu! I'll give it a shot. I'll play Suratul Baqarah more too.

[Trish]

Hmm. Well I think if the housework, shopping and cooking weren't getting done, that would make ME unhappy, never mind DH. My DH works a job where he doesn't have time to do housework that I don't get to. (He does however spend a lot of time with the kids on weekends)

 

So theoretically if you were a single parent who had the financial resources to not work, would you continue to homeschool? Would you be okay with what is and is not getting done? In my case DH doing more to help out is not an option, he already works too many hours. So I have to make sure the rest of the stuff gets done (some SEMBLANCE of done, mind you, far from perfect!). If that were not possible, homeschooling would not be a reasonable option for us.

 

I wish you the best in figuring it out. Everyone's situation is different, and even that can change from month to month and year to year. :grouphug:

 

There are some things you can do to make your cooking/cleaning/shopping more efficient, but you'd have to buy in to wanting that. And maybe in your situation there simply aren't enough hours in the day.

[Guest submarines]

Do consider the stress of ps in your decision. You still have to get everyone up and out, be sure they have everything they need for school, lunches, extra curriculas. The school will ask for your help, in school, fund raising etc. After school, when everyone is tired, you get time with your kids. Time to do homework, drive them to activities and get ready for the next day. I always felt I got them at their worst when they were in ps. Raising kids is hard work. Now mine are starting off to college I really miss their younger days. Aren't we moms a funny lot? :grouphug:

 

:iagree:I was about to post something like this. Putting your kids in school will not necessarily be less stressful.

 

If you are so stressed by homeschooling they way you do it now, have you considered other ways to homeschool? I wouldn't be able to homeschool if it was stressful for me. We found our groove, and it is wonderful. It is not like I never have stressful moments and stressful days or an occasional week, but overall it is great.

[Parrothead]

I know some of you struggle with "is homeschooling the right fit for my famiyl" while othes would never budge.

 

I'm writing today b/c after a talk last night with DH, I realized that while he doesn't oppose homeschooling, he isn't so much into it. He has no problem putting them in public. In fact, he sees that my stress has skyrocketed since homeschooling and that I've dropped other duties like keeping up with cooking and housework (and household shopping). He's right, those things changed when we started homeschooling.

 

Well, here's the deal: I think I'm feeling like I"m taking the bigger part of raising the children and am feelin bitter towards him. I feel he doesn't do much with the kids, but he is happy with his level of interaction with them. Of course with h/s, I interact with them constantly and so I feel like he should pitch in more when he's home b/c by then I am a little drained. He still interacts with them the way he always did...(which I won't try to quantify here b/c it will sound one-sided and unfair).

 

He thinks it might serve me better to not homeschool them since I'm taking on more stress by dealing with their awful schooltime moods in addition to dealing with everyday stress of having four young children. Bascially,he's not really into helping me out MORE than he ever has... and he thinks I"m asking for more stress and that they'd be JUST FINE and just as fine in public school.

 

Looking ahead to September... I wonder if I should change paths. I will pray about it. I love the idea of homeschool. It sounds ideal and perfect even with the bumps in the road. But my kids (even the one who never went to public school) don't have good attitudes about our schoolwork and I do go through many ups and downs DAILY which wear me out.

 

Do you have any advice? I asked a similar question last spring about how do you know when to give up... and I thought we got over that, but confirming how my DH is kind of neither here nor there about h/s is making me think I shouldn't do it alone. He isn't against it, he just isn't doing anything to support it.

Well, you are taking a bigger part of raising the children. It is just a simple fact that most homeschooling moms have much more interaction with the kids. Dads (unless it is the dad at home and mom at work) by the very nature of their role in a homeschool do not have as much time to invest. If your dh is happy with his level of involvement in the children's lives you'll have to let it go. He will reap what he sows. He may never be as close to the children as you are, and that is on him to deal with.

 

As for cooking and cleaning and shopping these are things that a family must do to survive. IMNSHO they should be done as a family. There is no reason they should all become one person's job. Your two eldest are big enough to learn rudimentary cooking. They should both be able to put together eggs, toast, burgers and sandwiches. Your dh also for that matter.

 

Do you have a schedule, a menu and a crock pot? You should have a master schedule of all chores that need done and when. The kids should be expected to do their fair share before or after school. No excuses. Shopping can be a group effort also. Make a list for the big kids. They can go gather produce from the produce section or frozen goods.

 

Use this time right now to get a handle on attitude adjustments. School time moods can be had in the privacy of a bedroom with appropriate consequences for not getting work completed in a timely manner. Make it the child's responsibility not yours. Your eldest two are old enough to start learning that responsibility. They will be doing it in PS by now.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide. :grouphug: