mama2cntrykids Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 I'm talking about my ds9, who has aspergers. The only "friends" he hangs out with are ds11's friends. I mean, ds11 has nice friends and they're good to ds9, BUT they come over to see ds11 or invite him over to their house. We moved here 2 yrs ago and at first, ds9 made a few (girl) friends and one friend that was a boy. Over a few months time the friendships all dissolved. Poor ds9. I feel so badly for him. He wants a really good friend, but I think b/c of the asperger's he just doesn't click with anyone. Well, there IS one boy, who lives three miles from us. BUT, the boy is 14 yrs. old and he isn't the best role model for ds. He tells him things that ds takes to heart and I can't tell him otherwise. I'd prefer that he hangs out with the older boy as little as possible. We have some outside activities, but I'm pretty maxed out and really don't want to add more for the purpose of finding a friend for ds9. I've thought about putting him in PS this coming fall. For the purpose of having a wider field of kids to possibly form a friendship with AND because frankly, ds9 is a challenge to me. I know, it's such an "out" for me. I just don't know what else to do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 do you have access to a local support group for aspergers? They might have social groups or some equivalent of park days. If you could add an activity I might look a local support group or for a therapeutic play group/social group targeted for his needs--this will $$ too. I wouldn't expect putting him in ps to serve the purpose of finding friends. He might find friends or he might find hostile classmates. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 My DD doesn't have Asperger, but she doesn't have any friends. She likes people, but has not desire for friends. I would say that if your son wants friends then either 1) finding similar kids or 2) getting involved with things that will bring your in contact with more kids might help. But if your son doesn't appear to want friends, then it is better to work on social skills and surround him with nice friendly people - whether that is family members or people who are friendly either adults or kids is the best plan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 ps might be worse for your son. I would definitely talk with other moms with aspergers and find out what the school experience was like for their child. I really understand the desire to find a friend for your son. BTDT (although my child doesn't have aspergers)... it's painful to watch our kids be lonely. I agree with the previous poster, find some support groups. Also, check some other avenues like Boy Scouts...but do your homework first. Which is worse... no friends or being teased and bullied? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaBirdX7 Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 Does he get along with younger kids? My 7 year old gets along well with a 10 year old boy that has autism. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 Do you have an Aspergers Assoc. In your state? They get the kids togethr to socialize. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 What types of issues do you have with the older boy? If it's truly serious or dangerous stuff, then obviously you do want to limit contact - but I would probably overlook a lot that is simply annoying and/or distasteful for ds to have his 'own' friend. The social life at school is usually very tough on Aspie kids. That doesn't mean you shouldn't send him, but that you shouldn't send him with that purpose in mind. And there are very likely going to be boys there who are as much or more of a 'bad influence' as his current friend, you just won't be there to see it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 ds13 had no friends until this year due to his issues. It was hard as a mom and he wanted friends but he didn't fit in with anyone and he was the one parents wanted their kids to stay away from. This year he made a couple new friends on his own. It has been so good for him. He needed to mature enough to actually be a good friend, all those years with me coaching him through interactions with acquaintances, what a good friend is like etc have paid off. I was so relived when he made his 2nd friend this year because his first one moved away last week. I have noticed that he does much better with slightly younger kids. That is where his social skill level is, so 11-12 yr olds seem to make the best connections with him. He drove dd crazy for years because he was always the tag along to play with her friends and it was challenging at times(it still is) for him to see they are first and foremost her friends and sometimes she wants to play alone with them. I do not see PS as the way to go for making friends for spectrum kids, or any with social skills issues. If anything it makes the differences and the lack of skills more obvious leaving him less likely to create a friendship. I think your best bet would be to find an aspergers assoc. like pp said OR find a hs family with a child that is 7-8 yrs old that likes the same stuff, and have coffee with the mom while the boys play. The biggest difference for ds this year along with simple maturity was joining boy scouts. He has been in other extracurrics over the years, but none forced him to come out of his shell and treated him like a valued member of the group before scouting. We were lucky that the leader "got" that both my boys have issues, and are both thought to be on the spectrum, and would not let the other boys get hung up on the quirks. He did not make deep friendships there but he did learn a lot and develop ways of interacting with others that helped him make the friendships he now has. If your ds is not already involved in scouting, or other club(awanas, cadets etc) that can help with social skills, with a lot of supervision and not so much mom there I would highly recommend you find a group to join. To me that made way more positive impact for my boys than ps would have had, especially in teh area of social skills. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 I agree that finding an Aspie social group is helpful, but if the group is newly formed, it can be a while before they get into friendships (a bunch of Aspies, who have trouble socializing, trying to socialize...see?) I've found, with my adult Aspie son, that he often felt he was part of a group and had friends when he really just sort of hung around and observed a lot. But that was good enough for him. Church youth group was a Godsend--just monitored enough to be safe for him, and the kids were kind. The one time he truly put himself out there, with a young lady, she didn't understand his intensity and characteristics, and he was very badly hurt (still is, over it). This was when he was 18, tho, so much different. I think one of the challenges for me is to accept that his friendships may look different than what I'm used to. Now, he has very few people he socializes with, but he is on FB, and that gives him distance, time to formulate a reply to people, and the chance to have a voice that he may not have otherwise. The two or three face-to-face folks he knows well know that he's an Aspie, and cut him some slack. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 I've found, with my adult Aspie son, that he often felt he was part of a group and had friends when he really just sort of hung around and observed a lot. But that was good enough for him. I find this to be true of my 9 yr. old Aspie. He still talks about his friends from school, which he hasn't attended in over two years, as if they are current, active friendships. We do still get together with one of the boys on occasion, and have tried to maintain some contact with the others, but they've moved on with their lives and left ds behind. I've been trying to get him some real friends, but it hasn't worked, yet. His therapist recommended two different social groups for Aspies, but both were huge time commitments where you weren't allowed to bring siblings. Not gonna happen with my schedule. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myra Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 I know this might sound funny - but how about on-line gaming like the x-box. I hear my son laughing and talking with his on-line "friends" while they make stategic plans in their games. I know it is not the same as a friend in person, but it meets a need for interaction that is good for aspies as it's not reading facial expressions, one of a group so no pressure to talk all the time yet still involved, texting at times so no vocal cues are missed, available when they are ready to interact & you can log off when you hit interaction overload, etc. Myra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 Both of my kids went to a public school program for homeschoolers where they attended classes two afternoons per week during the school year. There were several kids on the spectrum in the program, and they all had friends. One reason was that, as homeschoolers, the kids seemed more open minded about friend material (older, younger, a little different, it didn't matter as much). In fact, my younger son's best friend is a kid with Asperger's from that program. The reason that program works, I think, is that it allows for relationships between kids (and, perhaps, just as important, between parents--my son's friend's mother is one of my best friends) to develop over an extended period of time--years even. So if you have a program like this in your area, you might want to check it out. If not, maybe a co-op would work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mama2cntrykids Posted July 20, 2012 Author Share Posted July 20, 2012 do you have access to a local support group for aspergers? They might have social groups or some equivalent of park days. If you could add an activity I might look a local support group or for a therapeutic play group/social group targeted for his needs--this will $$ too. I wouldn't expect putting him in ps to serve the purpose of finding friends. He might find friends or he might find hostile classmates. My DD doesn't have Asperger, but she doesn't have any friends. She likes people, but has not desire for friends. I would say that if your son wants friends then either 1) finding similar kids or 2) getting involved with things that will bring your in contact with more kids might help. But if your son doesn't appear to want friends, then it is better to work on social skills and surround him with nice friendly people - whether that is family members or people who are friendly either adults or kids is the best plan. Yes, he does want friends, so that's the hard part. I hate watching him feel left out and like no one likes him. ps might be worse for your son. I would definitely talk with other moms with aspergers and find out what the school experience was like for their child. I really understand the desire to find a friend for your son. BTDT (although my child doesn't have aspergers)... it's painful to watch our kids be lonely. I agree with the previous poster, find some support groups. Also, check some other avenues like Boy Scouts...but do your homework first. Which is worse... no friends or being teased and bullied? I realize it's a crap-shoot if he was being sent to ps. He also says, "I went to ps in Kindergarten and didn't have any friends either." Which is the truth. It's just so hard to watch... Does he get along with younger kids? My 7 year old gets along well with a 10 year old boy that has autism. He does, but he's always finding things "wrong" with other kids. Hardly anyone is good enough for him. He's a very negative child. So that's hard in itself. Do you have an Aspergers Assoc. In your state? They get the kids togethr to socialize.:grouphug: Good question. I will have to check. What types of issues do you have with the older boy? If it's truly serious or dangerous stuff, then obviously you do want to limit contact - but I would probably overlook a lot that is simply annoying and/or distasteful for ds to have his 'own' friend. The social life at school is usually very tough on Aspie kids. That doesn't mean you shouldn't send him, but that you shouldn't send him with that purpose in mind. And there are very likely going to be boys there who are as much or more of a 'bad influence' as his current friend, you just won't be there to see it. With the older boy, it's a matter of my ds taking what he says as gospel. Then when I try to correct the thinking ds won't listen and sees it as me trying to make his friend look bad. ds13 had no friends until this year due to his issues. It was hard as a mom and he wanted friends but he didn't fit in with anyone and he was the one parents wanted their kids to stay away from. This year he made a couple new friends on his own. It has been so good for him. He needed to mature enough to actually be a good friend, all those years with me coaching him through interactions with acquaintances, what a good friend is like etc have paid off. I was so relived when he made his 2nd friend this year because his first one moved away last week. I have noticed that he does much better with slightly younger kids. That is where his social skill level is, so 11-12 yr olds seem to make the best connections with him. He drove dd crazy for years because he was always the tag along to play with her friends and it was challenging at times(it still is) for him to see they are first and foremost her friends and sometimes she wants to play alone with them. I do not see PS as the way to go for making friends for spectrum kids, or any with social skills issues. If anything it makes the differences and the lack of skills more obvious leaving him less likely to create a friendship. I think your best bet would be to find an aspergers assoc. like pp said OR find a hs family with a child that is 7-8 yrs old that likes the same stuff, and have coffee with the mom while the boys play. The biggest difference for ds this year along with simple maturity was joining boy scouts. He has been in other extracurrics over the years, but none forced him to come out of his shell and treated him like a valued member of the group before scouting. We were lucky that the leader "got" that both my boys have issues, and are both thought to be on the spectrum, and would not let the other boys get hung up on the quirks. He did not make deep friendships there but he did learn a lot and develop ways of interacting with others that helped him make the friendships he now has. If your ds is not already involved in scouting, or other club(awanas, cadets etc) that can help with social skills, with a lot of supervision and not so much mom there I would highly recommend you find a group to join. To me that made way more positive impact for my boys than ps would have had, especially in teh area of social skills. Thanks for sharing your experience. He wants to do Cub Scouts, but I won't let him this year b/c my dh isn't home during the week and I have no one to stay with the other kids. We have been doing AWANA, but I was thinking about taking this year off. He doesn't connect with the kids there, either. In fact, he complains:glare:. I agree that finding an Aspie social group is helpful, but if the group is newly formed, it can be a while before they get into friendships (a bunch of Aspies, who have trouble socializing, trying to socialize...see?) I've found, with my adult Aspie son, that he often felt he was part of a group and had friends when he really just sort of hung around and observed a lot. But that was good enough for him. Church youth group was a Godsend--just monitored enough to be safe for him, and the kids were kind. The one time he truly put himself out there, with a young lady, she didn't understand his intensity and characteristics, and he was very badly hurt (still is, over it). This was when he was 18, tho, so much different. I think one of the challenges for me is to accept that his friendships may look different than what I'm used to. Now, he has very few people he socializes with, but he is on FB, and that gives him distance, time to formulate a reply to people, and the chance to have a voice that he may not have otherwise. The two or three face-to-face folks he knows well know that he's an Aspie, and cut him some slack. Yes, I agree that observation can be helpful as well. I also try talking him through the stuff that he has problems with. I'm hoping as he matures things will get a little better. In many ways, things are already better, compared to how he was when he was around 4-6. Man, that was a tough time. I still do have a tough time with him, but it was worse in many ways back then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Aspiemom Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 My nephew has aspergers and at first would only want to be with younger children. We did Social Skills Group and Boy Scouts. The Boy Scouts did help but i had to drag myself there. He did eventually find friends in school and it was funny because they were his age but a lot smaller than him. He is now in high school and his friends "outgrew" him? I am looking into the Church Youth Group now. He also had a friend from the Social Skills Group in school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 I would bet the aspergers is a lot less of an issue than the negativity when it comes to making friends. I know there are a few kids that my kids know who are negative and tend to judge whether people are "good enough" to be their friends. Those kids are often complained about and rarely invited to join in when the other kids get together (harsh, but true). I would work with him on his general attitude toward life and other people. There are some great books on encouraging optimism in kids and perhaps a few visits with a therapist or some time volunteering with those less fortunate would be helpful in turning his attitude around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 I understand this well. M 16yo w/Asperger's has spent his whole life tagging along with his older (20 mo older) brother and his brother's friends. He has finally gotten to the point where he has acquaintances. Not friends but people he can talk to at scouts or German Club. Going to PS has not had an effect on him being able to make friends. Frankly, I picture them as old men and my 16yo still considering his 70 year old brother his only friend. When they were younger I did distract or take the younger one out so my older ds could have time with his friends without little brother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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