jujsky Posted June 25, 2012 Author Share Posted June 25, 2012 Oops. Sorry. I read it wrong. I kept the tone of your original posts in your later ones and missed the switch. I thought you were seriously offended by the stereotypes and weren't seeing that you sounded as hostile as your MIL. I'll go back and edit. Quite all right. Tone on the internet can be a tricky thing :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 She doesn't give up. She's totally relentless. It's hard to describe or imagine unless you've experienced it. People who haven't seen her in action think I'm making it up. I get it. The Russian person from my past who resembles your MIL resented & criticized every single thing I did. She would even grab my hand while I was eating and tell me I was holding my fork wrong! This relentless interrogation led me to learn how to lie, which I never would have thought of as a coping strategy on my own... once I told her that I had an X-Ray done which I never intended to do, just so she would stop barraging me about it. I'm sure she completely suspected me, though. The thought of my fictitious X-ray still makes me laugh. Look, at least your MIL is good for some stories! P.S. Acton is not posh. It's very nice, but it makes me think "apple orchards", not high culture. P.P.S. As a MA native, I am not offended, just have to laugh at Maine prejudices!!;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie in NE Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 No-one loves your children like you do. This is YOUR life. So make your decisions, be polite to dear MIL, and move on. I wish you the best. Oh, and the west coast is really nice this time of year...... probably all times of year..... Maybe you could look for housing out there?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 (edited) I call this The Velvet Trap. Luckily my ex IL just came out swinging. My current IL, however, are more Velvety. If they are being nice, I know they want money or want to rip hubby off, but I had to learn it the hard way. It's really sad when a family member is being "nice", and the first thing that comes to mind is: what do you want?:sneaky2: eta: at least my mil is as subtle as a brick upside the head. my grandmother (bpd) . . . if she was being nice, it was a red-alert, shields up, phasers on stand-by. Edited June 25, 2012 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 To be fair, she and FIL do pay for the kids' activities and have offered to pay for a math tutor for DS. You're right though --she's missing the fact that even if we DO sacrifice everything to live in a posh area, that doesn't mean we're rich and it doesn't mean we can play "keeping up with the Joneses" for our kids. They are going to want what their classmates want -- horses, cars, designer clothing, expensive vacations. Like DH said, "She has to stop thinking she's rich because living down there, having rich friends, and being a snob doesn't make her rich." I LOVE my husband! Be thankful to her for this...but make it clear, if gifts come with a string or ou think you know a better way to raise our children...keep it to yourself...do not give unsolicited advice, period..ever. This has to come from your husband, not you. Tell him to get a backbone. A couple of discussions like that, it should be handled...let him bring up the past two events if she gives lip...the hair cutting incident would have been the lead straw for me...better to be clear and firm then tolerate her meddling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 There should be a required course for all women when their sons get married- "Mother-in-Law 101". Course description: You may have previously seen this course listed as "Keeping Your Mouth Shut, No Matter What Your DIL Does." We've updated this seminar to include topics such as: Refraining from Showing Up Unannounced at Son's House (with a subunit on proper telephone etiquette) Grandchildren Are Not Tools of Manipulation The Lip Zipper, An Innovative New Concept for Holding One's Tongue (This section replaces the former "My Child is Already Grown and Therefore I Need Have No Opinions on Childrearing Unless Asked" topic) Material to help you keep all those helpful hints inside your head. We've expanded this topic to include your opinions on housekeeping, fashion, diet and pretty much everything else you may feel the need to spout off about. Holidays Are For Everyone, Not Just You Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 I haven't read the replies but if that were me the part that would upset me the most is that my dh was upset by it. :grouphug: I also hope you can find a way to pass the bean dip more and explain yourself less. You did an awfully lot of justifying to US and we all really do agree with you! :) I know that is easier said than done though and having had a BAD MIL and now a good one I really really do feel for ya. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 There should be a required course for all women when their sons get married- "Mother-in-Law 101". Course description: You may have previously seen this course listed as "Keeping Your Mouth Shut, No Matter What Your DIL Does." We've updated this seminar to include topics such as: Refraining from Showing Up Unannounced at Son's House (with a subunit on proper telephone etiquette) Grandchildren Are Not Tools of Manipulation The Lip Zipper, An Innovative New Concept for Holding One's Tongue (This section replaces the former "My Child is Already Grown and Therefore I Need Have No Opinions on Childrearing Unless Asked" topic) Material to help you keep all those helpful hints inside your head. We've expanded this topic to include your opinions on housekeeping, fashion, diet and pretty much everything else you may feel the need to spout off about. Holidays Are For Everyone, Not Just You :lol: Love it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 I learned how NOT to be a mil from mine. I just do everything the opposite of the way she did it. It's working beautifully so far. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 How did I know!! Because I've been listening to stories about her almost daily since March of 2005! (This one has a good side, too, however.) As I'm sure you have already figured out: you can't win. She is an expert at this in a way you never will be. :lol::grouphug: My MIL is finally warming to me. FINALLY. But I have another in-law who shall not be named that still insists our youngest is probably not dh's because she has red hair...this while she talks about their Irish heritage and even though my oldest dd is also red-headed. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 :lol::grouphug: My MIL is finally warming to me. FINALLY. But I have another in-law who shall not be named that still insists our youngest is probably not dh's because she has red hair...this while she talks about their Irish heritage and even though my oldest dd is also red-headed. :glare: When Tazzie was baby, he was blonde and blue eyed. Wolf's aunt (MIL's sis) went on and on and ON about how Tazzie SHOULDN'T be so fair when Wolf is so dark. I don't doubt she was repeating carp from MIL, since MIL sat there smirking the whole time. It wasn't until I offered to teach the basics of inheritance and genetics that she finally shut up. Wolf's bdad was Swedish/Norweigan...a blue eyed blonde. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted June 25, 2012 Author Share Posted June 25, 2012 I learned how NOT to be a mil from mine. I just do everything the opposite of the way she did it. It's working beautifully so far. :001_smile: That's my plan too! She told me once, "Just wait until History Kid is older and gets married. Then you'll see," and I've responded, "I doubt it. I'll look at my future DIL as another one of my kids. My kids like me, so I'm sure we'll get along just fine." She was a little taken aback! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted June 25, 2012 Author Share Posted June 25, 2012 Be thankful to her for this...but make it clear, if gifts come with a string or ou think you know a better way to raise our children...keep it to yourself...do not give unsolicited advice, period..ever. This has to come from your husband, not you. Tell him to get a backbone. A couple of discussions like that, it should be handled...let him bring up the past two events if she gives lip...the hair cutting incident would have been the lead straw for me...better to be clear and firm then tolerate her meddling. DH and I had a conversation about this last night. Over the years, he has had several conversations with his mom about this. So have I. Things will get better for quite awhile, and then she'll start up again. We ignore the little things for a bit because it's exhausting to police everything she does. We already have to do that with our kids -- we shouldn't have to do that with an adult. Anyway, I told DH it's time to put some of the walls back up. Next time she ambushes him with a conversation about education when I'm not there, he needs to tell her, "Jules should be included in this conversation," and leave it at that. If she pushes, deflect her questions (not very possible) or leave. We had also been considering getting a house with either an in-law apartment or with enough land where they could build an addition or a house on our property. DH feels a great deal of responsibility to his parents as an only child, and it's cultural to have the older generation live with the younger generation. I was frank with him last night that although I've said in the past I'd be willing to do that as long as clear rules were established and their living quarters were separate from ours, that I no longer believe it's remotely realistic. We'd end up divorced. It will not work. DH was disappointed, but admits it would be a struggle for him to have his mom that close too. As far as the gifts to the kids, there usually aren't strings. She has pulled the, "We do so much for you," card a couple of times in the past, but she never goes into details, and usually drops it when we respond, "You do, and we appreciate that, but we've never asked you to, and it has nothing to do with what we're discussing." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 I haven't read all the replies, but I think I'd probably cut off any financial help they give or offer. I think taking money always comes with the risk that the giver is going to want to have some input as to how it is spent. And thanks! All my ILs were here yesterday and they drive me nuts. But they aren't NEARLY that annoying! :D I get the underhanded, passive-aggressive homeschooling questioning now and again but it's easy enough to pass the bean dip usually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted June 25, 2012 Author Share Posted June 25, 2012 There should be a required course for all women when their sons get married- "Mother-in-Law 101". Course description: You may have previously seen this course listed as "Keeping Your Mouth Shut, No Matter What Your DIL Does." We've updated this seminar to include topics such as: Refraining from Showing Up Unannounced at Son's House (with a subunit on proper telephone etiquette) Grandchildren Are Not Tools of Manipulation The Lip Zipper, An Innovative New Concept for Holding One's Tongue (This section replaces the former "My Child is Already Grown and Therefore I Need Have No Opinions on Childrearing Unless Asked" topic) Material to help you keep all those helpful hints inside your head. We've expanded this topic to include your opinions on housekeeping, fashion, diet and pretty much everything else you may feel the need to spout off about. Holidays Are For Everyone, Not Just You :lol: This is beautiful! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted June 25, 2012 Author Share Posted June 25, 2012 I haven't read the replies but if that were me the part that would upset me the most is that my dh was upset by it. That is definitely what upset me most. He looks like this hurt little boy when his mom pulls this stuff, and it breaks my heart. He loves his parents and would love nothing more than to have an easy relationship with her, but she's not an easy person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 That is definitely what upset me most. He looks like this hurt little boy when his mom pulls this stuff, and it breaks my heart. He loves his parents and would love nothing more than to have an easy relationship with her, but she's not an easy person. totally understand. I've seen that look on Wolf's face too many times to count. Makes me want to kneecap someone :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 I'm sorry you are dealing with such a lousy situation. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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