I am a bad mom.

[fairfarmhand]

tmi

[susankenny]

:grouphug: I'm sorry that happened. I would continue to tread lightly with your daughter's weight issue. Your points are completely valid of course, but bringing up weight concerns in a young girl is a recipe for disaster. It may be (as you mention) that she is prone to gain weight, but it also could be pre-puberty related. My daughter gained weight as a tween, but now she is thinning out again. We also eat very healthy. Can you look on freecycle? Ask your homeschool group? Call local churches? Post for help on craigslist? Those are the avenues I would take if money is tight. Apologize for your comment and just move forward. You're not a bad mom.:grouphug:

 

 

Susan

Edited April 20, 2012 by susankenny

[Jean in Newcastle]

1. Every one should have some regular exercise built into their life for health reasons. That needs to be a non-weight related priority.

 

2. How old is she? If she is 10 or over, there is no reason why she can't earn money for some new shorts. My dd10 has a cookie/quick bread business for friends and family. She will be doing babysitting for money as she gets a bit older. Ds14 mows lawns and pet sits for people in the neighborhood. He also fixes people's computers.

[fairfarmhand]

She is 14 and a half.

[swellmomma]

Oh Gah! Weight is one of those tricky issues with teens. Especially teen girls. Okay first about not buying new clothes. While I can anticipate using the same clothes season to season I always anticipate needing new ones for the kids/teens. They are growing and changing so much each year. I would not have mentioned the tummy roll. The shorts don't fit and she needs new ones. Give her the option to help you find some at the goodwill that will work or to cut some of her old jeans to creat shorts for now. Is she old enough to get a job? Tell her those are the only options you can afford but if she gets a job she can buy some new ones that she loves.

 

The tummy roll issue. Go apologize to your daughter. If you are already eating well and she is getting a tummy I would suspect an upcoming growth spurt. If you want her more active find other ways to encourage it. The only time I would tell my child they needed to do something about their weight is if they were becoming downright overweight not a little tummy roll. My ds13 and I are both working at losing weight because he has gained so much in recent months that it is not healthy. If he generally ate well and just had a bit of a tummy I would never mention it. You are not a bad mom but you definitely made a mistake bringing that up imo and you need to apologize to her and come up with a plan that works for your budget as well as her clothing needs.

[hsmamainva]

Do you have a thrift store / used clothing store in your area?

 

I love shopping at thrift stores for kids clothes. They grow so fast that it's hard to spend top of the line $$ for clothes they won't fit into next year.

[swellmomma]

She is 14 and a half.

 

I would guess she has built up a tummy because she is getting ready for a growth spurt. Until she was done growing I would expect new clothes every season. She is also old enough to work if she wants something fancier than the basics.

[Parrothead]

I honestly don't think you are a bad mom at all. Lots of people have to shed a few pounds from time to time. Most people can't completely buy a new wardrobe each season to keep up with a bit of weight gain here and there.

 

It is best she learns that at home with you (and the family) to help prepare healthy lower cal meals and a family exercise time each evening such as an evening walk or outside play time.

[magnificent_baby]

I would focus on exercising, as a family goal and not just directed at her. We struggle with this too, as my daughter loves doing sitting activities/crafts. I will continue to keep her in any parks/rec sports that she is even remotely interested in, for this very reason. Parks and rec fees here are very cheap, and I know if someone were in a bind they would decrease the cost (as well as our local YMCA).

 

As far as clothes, 90% of our clothes are goodwill and garage sales. My kids have plenty to choose from, and I only buy new for very special events or very cheap clearance. We have clothing meltdowns here all the time, but that is the way it is and will stay for quite some time. My kids will probably really dislike me when they are teens, but I am not spending a fortune on clothes even if we can afford it.

 

I like the other ideas of having her earn her own money for clothes, if that is possible.

[fairfarmhand]

Oh, I didn't mention the belly roll. I just offered that maybe if she cut back a little over the next few weeks they'd fit better. I guess even the implication that she'd gained weight was too much for her. She's probably noticed it herself and having mom refer to it even slightly was too much.

 

sigh.

[swellmomma]

Oh, I didn't mention the belly roll. I just offered that maybe if she cut back a little over the next few weeks they'd fit better. I guess even the implication that she'd gained weight was too much for her. She's probably noticed it herself and having mom refer to it even slightly was too much.

 

sigh.

 

Think of it this way. YOu may notice those 10lbs you need to lose everytime you look in the mirror, but it feels very different if your spouse makes a comment about them right? It is hurtful even ifyou already knew about it.

[Denisemomof4]

I really think she should earn money so she can buy new clothes anytime she wants.

[CroppinIt]

You're not a bad mom. You're human, and you made a mistake. Fess up, apologize, and move on.

 

The older I get, the more I'm convinced that genetics plays a large part in our size no matter what we do. Yes, skinny people can put on weight and heavy people can lose it, but when you eat a healthy diet, your body will naturally tend toward its genetic shape. I have had times in my life when I walked several miles every day, and times when I've been basically bedridden due to health issues. I've been a size 4 shorts when I was nursing, but when I stopped nursing I went back to my normal size 14. Period. That's why I wear frumpy dresses with no waist -- because my weight does fluxuate and they always fit no matter what time of month it is.

 

So... try to go easy and not turn her into an eating disorder case.

 

As for the clothes themselves, she's old enough to earn her own money for whatever clothes she likes. If she doesn't like the clothes you buy (or can afford), offer to give her the money you can afford and she can earn the rest for whatever she wants.

[QueenCat]

:grouphug:s to you. I was at the Goodwill yesterday, in the big town that starts with an S, near both of us. They had a TON of shorts. Maybe that might be an option?

[Mommyof4ks]

I really think she should earn money so she can buy new clothes anytime she wants.

 

:iagree:

 

I would take a walk with her every evening too, and that will help slim down the her waist a bit to fit better in her shorts. Try upping protien and cutting back on carbs for a few weeks too. Carbs put weight on quickly, so cutting back for a bit will take off a few pounds which might be enough to fit into those shorts. You are not a bad mom. :grouphug:

[fairfarmhand]

:grouphug:s to you. I was at the Goodwill yesterday, in the big town that starts with an S, near both of us. They had a TON of shorts. Maybe that might be an option?

hmmmm... I'll have to get up there on our next pay period. That Goodwill is the best around.

[justamouse]

I honestly don't think you are a bad mom at all. Lots of people have to shed a few pounds from time to time. Most people can't completely buy a new wardrobe each season to keep up with a bit of weight gain here and there.

 

It is best she learns that at home with you (and the family) to help prepare healthy lower cal meals and a family exercise time each evening such as an evening walk or outside play time.

:iagree:

 

Is this pride or a sensory issue with her and her clothes? I would deal with each differently.

 

I have dealt with the pride one, before. ;) (see the 17 yo in the siggie? Yeah.)

[fairfarmhand]

:iagree:

 

Is this pride or a sensory issue with her and her clothes? I would deal with each differently.

 

I have dealt with the pride one, before. ;) (see the 17 yo in the siggie? Yeah.)

 

 

Mostly it is that she doesn't like the way that they look. So yes, I guess that would be pride.

[coffeegal]

But how do I balance keeping her weight at a healthy level vs. just never mentioning it and letting her just keep on gaining?

 

 

It's a hard balance and it really varies child to child. An abrupt, "You're fat," can inspire one child to lose weight, and moniter it through adulthood. Another child responds with an eating disorder or hysteria. :grouphug:

 

Our balance: we work to ensure the children are active and have physical activities. Also when the children go to return for seconds, we will ask if they truely need a second helping. If the child is hungry... eat. Often they just want a second helping for the sake of eating more, and that's when we ask the child to think before they eat or drink a glass of water and wait a few minutes. :001_smile:

[susankenny]

Mostly it is that she doesn't like the way that they look. So yes, I guess that would be pride.

 

 

Pride isn't a bad word though. I take pride in what I wear and how I look too. It's not terrible for a 14 year old girl to be stylish. I shop at thrift stores and the clearance rack, but I still choose things that make me feel pretty and flatter me.

 

That's not to say that you need to pay for her clothes if she is being particular. For example, if you would normally only spend $20, then let her take that fund and add to it through her own work. Then she can bargain shop for the things that she loves.

 

 

Susan

[fairfarmhand]

Pride isn't a bad word though. I take pride in what I wear and how I look too. It's not terrible for a 14 year old girl to be stylish. I shop at thrift stores and the clearance rack, but I still choose things that make me feel pretty and flatter me.

 

That's not to say that you need to pay for her clothes if she is being particular. For example, if you would normally only spend $20, then let her take that fund and add to it through her own work. Then she can bargain shop for the things that she loves.

 

 

Susan

 

I guess what annoys me is that I have certain clothes that I DON'T wear to do some tasks, like work in the yard. These are my favorites, my cute things.

 

She wants to wear the cute things ALL the time. Many times (we have a farm) they end up ruined. Or even if they are not ruined (perhaps a tiny stain) she won't wear them anymore because they are not perfect.

 

I think I am going to put out a call on Facebook that my daughter is willing and glad to do some work for people. I bet that if she is the one buying replacements, she will understand better the impact that her clothing choices can have on the budget.

[celticmom]

For an immediate solution to find shorts I would check goodwill.

 

Since this seems to be an ongoing issue, I would look into finding an inexpensive sewing machine if you don't already own one. When money isn't so tight you could find one at a goodwill or a pawn shop or craigslist for a reasonable price and let your dd learn how to make her own clothes. Then I would give her a set amount of money for cloth or clothing and let her handle the problem herself. She will have to when she becomes an adult anyway and having to handle it herself might resolve alot of the pickiness.

[justamouse]

Pride isn't a bad word though. I take pride in what I wear and how I look too. It's not terrible for a 14 year old girl to be stylish. I shop at thrift stores and the clearance rack, but I still choose things that make me feel pretty and flatter me.

 

That's not to say that you need to pay for her clothes if she is being particular. For example, if you would normally only spend $20, then let her take that fund and add to it through her own work. Then she can bargain shop for the things that she loves.

 

 

Susan

 

Going this way, though, is teaching her to find self pride in what she wears, not who she is.

 

Her pride is asking that her mother keep her in new, precise clothes that she likes and she won't wear what she find's unacceptable. There's a stiffneckedness in that. Well, when there is no tree in the back yard to pick, ya gotta wear what you gotta wear and make the best of it, period.

 

Now, I am ALL for looking pulled together, outfits that are flattering and such, but I am almost 40 and not needing new clothes every season just because I grew.

 

What I did with mine was say, here, here are your choices. You can pick between this and this. Or this and this, and this is it. Unless you don't want to go to camp, then you could have more. We cannot afford (say it! Say it! they have to learn! people live within *budgets*) new clothes for you if you want to go to camp.

 

Look, as adults we make these decisions every day. We make choices-and hard ones-based on our budget. We suffer consequences. We negotiate what is acceptable within our range of choices and personal preferences. She has to learn to do the same, otherwise she's going to be nothing but entitled.

 

:grouphug:

 

fair,m I too, have a drawer of *task* clothes. Farm clothes, cleaning clothes, gardening clothes. that is reasonable and she needs to learn that. She doesn't ahve nice clothes to wear when she wants because she ruined hers. that's a consequence, a hard one for a girl, but that's life. I used to tell mine. "WHO are you dressing for? Who in your imagination is seeing you dressed like that to sit round the house? " I used to get 'that look', but now, she comes home, hangs her good stuff up and puts on sweats. *g*

Edited April 20, 2012 by justamouse

[fairfarmhand]

For an immediate solution to find shorts I would check goodwill.

 

Since this seems to be an ongoing issue, I would look into finding an inexpensive sewing machine if you don't already own one. When money isn't so tight you could find one at a goodwill or a pawn shop or craigslist for a reasonable price and let your dd learn how to make her own clothes. Then I would give her a set amount of money for cloth or clothing and let her handle the problem herself. She will have to when she becomes an adult anyway and having to handle it herself might resolve alot of the pickiness.

oh, we sew! I love it. She does it when she has to. I may need to show her how to do basic alterations though, so that those things that feel "weird" to her can be fixed to feel better.

[Rivka]

I wouldn't expect a 14-year-old to necessarily be able to fit into the shorts she wore when she was 13. Even if she's not noticeably taller than she was last year, there is some widening and filling out of the figure that is just going to happen during the teen years. It's not healthy to suggest that she try to stay in young-teen size by dieting.

 

I don't think it's reasonable to make an analogy between your situation and hers. Yes, as an adult I buy clothes with the expectation that they'll last for several years. Yes, for an adult it is not desirable to be bigger every year. But children who are still growing are a different story. Don't project your own feelings about your weight onto her.

[fairfarmhand]

Pride isn't a bad word though. I take pride in what I wear and how I look too. It's not terrible for a 14 year old girl to be stylish. I shop at thrift stores and the clearance rack, but I still choose things that make me feel pretty and flatter me.

 

That's not to say that you need to pay for her clothes if she is being particular. For example, if you would normally only spend $20, then let her take that fund and add to it through her own work. Then she can bargain shop for the things that she loves.

 

 

Susan

 

yes, I see the point you are making. I like looking cute, especially when I am going places. I like feeling like I look nice, even when I am just here at home. Otherwise, I'd slouch around in nothing but sweats and gain more than just 10 lbs.

 

But I must balance that self-pride, self-respect, whatever you want to call it, with the practicality of my own bank account. When we first got married, I had awful clothes. But there was nil to get new cute things with, so I did the best I could with what I had.

[fairfarmhand]

I wouldn't expect a 14-year-old to necessarily be able to fit into the shorts she wore when she was 13. Even if she's not noticeably taller than she was last year, there is some widening and filling out of the figure that is just going to happen during the teen years. It's not healthy to suggest that she try to stay in young-teen size by dieting.

 

I don't think it's reasonable to make an analogy between your situation and hers. Yes, as an adult I buy clothes with the expectation that they'll last for several years. Yes, for an adult it is not desirable to be bigger every year. But children who are still growing are a different story. Don't project your own feelings about your weight onto her.

 

thanks for this input. Perhaps I am projecting a bit. And not just my own feelings about myself. She is so much like another family member in so many ways that maybe I am overreacting to this. This person will sit around and say, "well, I have always been fat, and I always will be fat, so pass the fudge." And then complain about how lousy they feel.

 

Thanks for these thoughts.

[delaney]

Well we all slack over the winter so why not try a walking program with her so you both lose a bit? That way she has a partner in it. Weight is tough. My daughter has a belly and it is from her love of carbs. I have cut them out and mine is disappearing. I figure to lead by example so that she reaches for something other than the crappy carbs when she is hungry.:)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I bet that if she is the one buying replacements, she will understand better the impact that her clothing choices can have on the budget.

 

I think you are right.

[susankenny]

Going this way, though, is teaching her to find self pride in what she wears, not who she is.

 

Her pride is asking that her mother keep her in new, precise clothes that she likes and she won't wear what she find's unacceptable. There's an stiffneckedness in that. Well, when there is no tree in the back yard to pick, ya gotta wear what you gotta wear and make the best of it, period.

 

Now, I am ALL for looking pulled together, outfits that are flattering and such, but I am almost 40 and not needing new clothes every season just because I grew.

 

What I did with mine was say, here, here are your choices. You can pick between this and this. Or this and this, and this is it. Unless you don't want to go to camp, then you could have more. We cannot afford (say it! Say it! they have to learn! people live within *budgets*) new clothes for you if you want to go to camp.

 

Look, as adults we make these decisions every day. We make choices-and hard ones-based on our budget. We suffer consequences. We negotiate what is acceptable within our range of choices and personal preferences. She has to learn to do the same, otherwise she's going to be nothing but entitled.

 

:grouphug:

 

fair,m I too, have a drawer of *task* clothes. Farm clothes, cleaning clothes, gardening clothes. that is reasonable and she needs to learn that. She doesn't ahve nice clothes to wear when she wants because she ruined hers. that's a consequence, a hard one for a girl, but that's life. I used to tell mine. "WHO are you dressing for? Who in your imagination is seeing you dressed like that to sit round the house? " I used to get 'that look', but now, she comes home, hangs her good stuff up and puts on sweats. *g*

 

I certainly don't believe it is her mother's responsibility to accommodate her daughter's wants. If I implied that in any way, it was poor wording on my part. I'm just pointing out that it's not unusual for a 14 year old girl to want to be stylish. That doesn't make her wrong.

 

Anyway. I really don't see her daughter as having a pride issue in this situation, but rather she sounds like she is being ungrateful and is still somewhat immature. That's not meant as a jab, but very normal for a lot of 14 year old girls. Her daughter just doesn't grasp that new trendy clothes aren't easy to come by. I believe when she is responsible for her own clothes shopping, she will have a different attitude in every regard -- from what she wears, where she wears it, what it costs, etc. It will teach her the responsibility she needs & give her self pride in managing these affairs herself. This is how we handle it with my daughter and it works quite well.

 

 

Susan

[susankenny]

yes, I see the point you are making. I like looking cute, especially when I am going places. I like feeling like I look nice, even when I am just here at home. Otherwise, I'd slouch around in nothing but sweats and gain more than just 10 lbs.

 

But I must balance that self-pride, self-respect, whatever you want to call it, with the practicality of my own bank account. When we first got married, I had awful clothes. But there was nil to get new cute things with, so I did the best I could with what I had.

 

Yes. I get that.:grouphug: I haven't had new bras in years, lol. Believe me. I get it.

 

 

Susan

[susankenny]

Going this way, though, is teaching her to find self pride in what she wears, not who she is.

 

Really don't understand this comment??

 

How is telling your child they must work to purchase their own clothes teaching this:confused:

 

 

Susan

[almondbutterandjelly]

I guess what annoys me is that I have certain clothes that I DON'T wear to do some tasks, like work in the yard. These are my favorites, my cute things.

 

She wants to wear the cute things ALL the time. Many times (we have a farm) they end up ruined. Or even if they are not ruined (perhaps a tiny stain) she won't wear them anymore because they are not perfect.

 

Maybe have a discussion on appropriate times to wear clothes? For instance, we don't wear our pajamas for anything other than sleeping in. We wear our nice dresses to church. We wear grungy clothes to work in around the farm. It is wasteful to wear nice things when you know they will be ruined. If she wants to look cute working on the farm, then perhaps cute scrunchies for her hair or cute socks (they really do make a lot of cute socks these days). Anything else is wasteful. For an extreme solution, make her pay you if she wears nice things at the wrong time and messes them up. I promise you it will stop.

[justamouse]

Really don't understand this comment??

 

How is telling your child they must work to purchase their own clothes teaching this:confused:

 

 

Susan

 

No, no, not that part, but that they have to learn that they can't expect us to get them what they want just because they want to look cute. I totally agree with them buying their own clothes, though I don't think that will be very possible in this economy.