NatashainDFW Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 Arghhh I don't know how to get it through to him that he is in no way stupid. Heck he is getting ready to start TT5, is reading on a 4th grade level and is very articulate. I just don't get why he thinks for even a minute that he is stupid. Everyone in his life reiterates that he is in no way stupid every time he says it but I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 Don't give the comment any attention. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 Ask how he knows. Nearly everything he can come up with can be refuted by "That's not stupidity, that's disorganised/impatience/etc." Then walk off and leave him to chew on it. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 Maybe he just likes the attention? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NatashainDFW Posted March 4, 2012 Author Share Posted March 4, 2012 Rosie I really like that idea. I think I will try that next time he does so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 Maybe he just likes the attention? :iagree: Yeah, that. Kind of like when a woman tells her husband "I am so fat." Don't we usually want him to tell us, "No, you aren't...you are beautiful and I love you just the way you are." Do we ever expect him to say, "Lord, honey, I know! Why don't you lose some of that junk in your trunk?" Of course not. (Well, unless he is my EX-husband...emphasis on the "EX") Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kertie Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 Ask how he knows. Nearly everything he can come up with can be refuted by "That's not stupidity, that's disorganised/impatience/etc." Then walk off and leave him to chew on it. Rosie :iagree: Sounds like a perfectionist. I have a 7yo one as well. We talk a lot about how things don't have to be perfect to be good, and that perfect doesn't happen without lots and lots of practice. I think being accelerated adds to it--so much comes so easily that things that don't come out right, it feels frustrating and bad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 My 7yo says the same thing all.the.time. My smart, talented, tender 7yo truly believes he is stupid and naughty. His negative self-talk is getting worse, and he has started hurting himself as a result. We finally started down the path of getting him some help, and he has his first appointment with a psychologist next week. I don't know why I just posted all that, other than to say that it could be for attention or it could be bigger and deeper. I hope it's for attention. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NatashainDFW Posted March 4, 2012 Author Share Posted March 4, 2012 My 7yo says the same thing all.the.time. My smart, talented, tender 7yo truly believes he is stupid and naughty. His negative self-talk is getting worse, and he has started hurting himself as a result. We finally started down the path of getting him some help, and he has his first appointment with a psychologist next week. I don't know why I just posted all that, other than to say that it could be for attention or it could be bigger and deeper. I hope it's for attention. :grouphug: This is my concern completely. I pray your child gets the help needed. I honestly hope its for attention and I am going to try what Rosie suggested but also bring it up to his doc and see what they say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 Some kids will chew on it, then drop all the "I'm stupid" stuff. I don't know if they decided they agreed with my point of view, or just that I'd said something different showed them I was listening. Some kids don't. With those ones, I used to follow it up with "Well yes, you are disorganised (or whatever) but you can change that if you really want to. You just have to work at it. If you decide (yeah, I was always big on making these things seem like choices) you want to change it, come and talk to me and we'll make a plan." With some, you have to make the plan anyway and feed it to them bit by bit. ;) Luckily I never came across any that none of these tactics worked on. Don't know what I'd have done if I had! Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 My eldest ds usually says this when he's feeling frustrated, or when he's done something impulsive, or sometimes when he's feeling angry. I tell him that I don't call him names, I don't let others call him names, and I won't allow him to call himself names. We just don't do that in our family. Then I try to help him talk through the feelings that led him to say "I'm stupid," and help him to articulate those feelings instead: "I'm frustrated," or "I don't understand this," or "I really wish I hadn't done that," or "I'm embarrassed," or "I really wanted to win the game." Then we've got a point to work from, and we talk about what he needs in that moment: He can take a breather, ask for help, ask for forgiveness, we can talk about embarrassing moments, talk about appreciating our strengths and working on or accepting weaknesses... I explained to him that the words that we use to express ourselves are very powerful, so it's important to choose the ones that give us power or get us help instead of using words that define us in a negative way. :grouphug: It is so hard to hear a sweet smart capable young person talk about himself so negatively. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 Arghhh I don't know how to get it through to him that he is in no way stupid. Heck he is getting ready to start TT5, is reading on a 4th grade level and is very articulate. I just don't get why he thinks for even a minute that he is stupid. Everyone in his life reiterates that he is in no way stupid every time he says it but I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions? I have one with a learning disability - and all he saw was how he struggled with things. telling him he was smart actually made him feel more stupid because "empty" praise is often interpretted by children as "you're so stupid we have to tell you you're smart so you'll feel good about yourself". I overcame that by pointing out things he did that demonstrated his intelligence. (he tested gifted - which actually didn't help any.) I pointed out what he did that was clever, that was insightful, etc. he didn't think they were "special", but they were out of the ordinary for his age. point out to your son the grade level he's reading on - and his age in comparison. etc. point out area's he's progressed in. last year he was doing ___, and now he can ___. point out to him that demonstrates his perserverance in learning something new. when praising a child - the rule is it *must* be something concrete they control and can reproduce. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 My DS says that when he has done something wrong. I finally asked him what response he was looking for. If i disagreed he just rejected the answer and if I agreed then I would not be telling the truth. He had no answer then. In our particular case it is his way to try and get out of consequences for his actions. We know cause he has admitted it and I have seen this technique used by another in the family who he is exactly like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 :blushing: Not my finest Mom moment, but my dd said it once, and before I could stop my smarty-pants mouth, I asked, "Just today? Or are you planning on making a career out of it?" You could have heard a pin drop for a moment and then the most genuine, broad smile all the way up to her eyes washed over her. We had a really good laugh over it. Best is, I haven't heard that sentiment since from her. Does he have a good sense of humor? If so, maybe a playful answer might reassure him while giving him a new perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 I am inclined to think that if you hurry to assure him how he's definitely not stupid and is so smart etc. every time he says it, that he may simply enjoy the attention/compliments and has learned that telling you he is stupid is a good way to get that sort of attention/compliments. It may be worth telling him firmly that you do not like hearing him say that, that he knows it's not true, that that you don't want to hear it again, period. My 6 y/o said he was stupid once and I was kind of shocked to hear it and I immediately hastened to tell him, No you're not, you're a smart boy and blah blah blah because of course you want to build up their esteem, but the next time he said it I kind of got the impression he just wanted that attention again, and I did tell him firmly, "You are NOT stupid, and I do NOT like when you say that, and I don't want to hear you say it again." He hasn't done it again lol. I do make a point of pointing out when he does something 'smart'- not by just handing out general and meaningless "you're so smart!" compliments, but "You did a good job reading that sentence, that was a tough one." (he's learning to read) and kind of praising specific accomplishments here and there. (Of course, if it kept on, got worse, or I saw other signs or symptoms that led me to believe he had any sort of depression or problem that needed counseling or medical attention, I would be paying attention to that, but if this was the only thing and I thought I could nip it in the bud as an attention thing, I would try that first). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rivka Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 I agree that he may just want to be praised for his intelligence, but a lot of kids (especially bright/gifted ones) buy into the idea that "smart" means that everything comes easily to you, and that can lead to big problems. (For example, fear of trying something hard because it might prove you're not so smart after all.) If you feel that some of that might be going on, you might encourage him to describe the difference between "smart" and "stupid." Are smart people always right? Is anything ever hard for them? What does a smart person do with a hard problem? I talk a lot to my perfectionist (and smart) kid about effort. Smart people tackle the hardest problems because they know that doing hard things will make them smarter. Smart people stretch their brains. Smart people are flexible and try other ways of solving a problem if the first way doesn't work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeteranMom Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 My son used to say this when he would make any mistake and I think it was really him struggling with his imperfections. It was probably pretty manipulative of me, but I told my son that it hurt my feelings to hear him say it. I told him didn't believe it and I knew he wasn't stupid, since I was the one teaching him at home each day. He stopped saying it and as he's gotten older he's more accepting of his mistakes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheApprentice Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 I would actually stop telling him he's so smart. In a child's mind that may be interpreted as, "I know everything", "Everything should come easy", "I'm always right". When something becomes a challenge he can't understand why if he's so smart, he doesn't "get it"; ergo "I stupid". I would comment on other areas and be specific, for example when you see he's being patient, helpful, kind, etc. I would definitely stop commenting on how smart he is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotAVampireLvr Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 I have no advice, but I can commiserate. My 7 y.o. (also accelerated) is the same way when it comes to anything academic that causes him to work harder than he's used to. I usually ignore the comment, and if he escalates, I do something silly to diffuse the situation or switch up what we're working on at that moment entirely. I try to praise him all the time (without using the word "smart" for the same reasons OP mentioned) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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