? for those with a poor relationship w/ own mother,

[Tohru]

and now have at least one daughter - can you tell me how you made the relationship with your daughter better than the one you have/had with your own mother?

 

I love my dd so very much. I find myself acting out role-reversal in which I'm treating her like my mother treated me. My mother has never liked me and has told me so. I catch myself behaving negatively toward my dd, but I want to stop the cycle. ETA: The cycle of acting or saying things like my mother when I don't really feel the situation calls for that reaction. How does one stop acting like their mother?

 

Please give me ideas, a book to read, advice, or something.

Edited February 19, 2012 by jadedone80
trying to fix the title!

[Slipper]

I behave the opposite of my mother. She left when I was a teen-ager and we didn't know where she was for years. She had never been very supportive of me when I was young. We get along fine now, but I don't depend on her.

 

I find myself over-compensating and making sure that the girls know how much I love them.

 

I realize this may sound rude, but if you find yourself in an antagonistic situation with your kids, are you in a position to find a therapist to help you talk it out?

 

Good luck with everything :grouphug:

[Tohru]

I behave the opposite of my mother. She left when I was a teen-ager and we didn't know where she was for years. She had never been very supportive of me when I was young. We get along fine now, but I don't depend on her.

 

I find myself over-compensating and making sure that the girls know how much I love them.

 

I realize this may sound rude, but if you find yourself in an antagonistic situation with your kids, are you in a position to find a therapist to help you talk it out?

 

Good luck with everything :grouphug:

 

It's not rude. Great advice, however I wouldn't say antagonistic behavior. I just say or do the same thing my mother would've when I really don't feel that way. I guess, I act like my mother when I really don't want to be reacting like her.

[gardenmom5]

I determined to enjoy my daughter. I was positive, I encouraged, etc. I made a concious effort to do so. I recognized their own strengths and weaknesses, encouraging development of strenghts, and how to overcome weaknesses.

 

My girls are both adults, and I have a good relationship with both, but also different as they are different.

 

I eventually had a decent relationsihp with my own mother - but I also felt like I was the adult, and she was the child and I never did have the type of "mother-daughter" relationship that is often wanted. (nor did she with her own mother - who was BPD.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

It's ok to say, "Stop. I did not want to say that. I'm sorry. What I really want to say is. . . " Be honest with your dds about wanting to have a better relationship with them.

[Hathersage]

I can give you sympathy. Because I have a poor relationship with my mother, and I have a daughter. My mantra is "I am not my mother" And I'm not. Sure I might say things that come out of mouth that sound like her, but actions and deeds prove otherwise. I think as a mother I am prone to overreacting to certain situations, but I can apologize for my behavior, something to do this day my mother believes she should never ever do when it comes to your children. So at least in that I am trying.

[MomatHWTK]

I have come to realize that I inherited a very critical spirit from my family.

I am hoping that acknowledging the negative words or behavior and apologizing will make a difference.

 

Ds sees a therapist for his issues and as part of that process I am getting really good advice about how to respond appropriately not only to his negative behaviors specifically, but to childish behavior in general. (I tend to be a little uptight and forget that kids are kids. ;))

[texasmel]

and now have at least one daughter - can you tell me how you made the relationship with your daughter better than the one you have/had with your own mother?

 

I love my dd so very much. I find myself acting out role-reversal in which I'm treating her like my mother treated me. My mother has never liked me and has told me so. I catch myself behaving negatively toward my dd, but I want to stop the cycle. ETA: The cycle of acting or saying things like my mother when I don't really feel the situation calls for that reaction. How does one stop acting like their mother?

 

Please give me ideas, a book to read, advice, or something.

 

It can be hard to break the pattern of negative learned behavior but recognizing it is half the battle. Because you want to have different relationship with your daughter you will. I agree with the pp - it's so important to own your 'mess ups'. Just stop, apologize, ask for forgiveness, and do it differently. That goes so far with kids. (or anyone).

 

The best book I've read on the subject is "The Mom Factor" by Townsend & Cloud. I bought it to help me sort through issues with my own mother but low and behold, I saw myself exhibiting some of the unhealthy behaviors mentioned in the book as well. Log & speck anyone?

[9763653]

I had a poor relationship with my mother, who probably has NPD. When I found myself directing the exact same hurtful comments my mother used to direct at me at my daughter, I found a therapist.

 

Therapy was one of the best things I've ever done. I have done a lot to heal from past issues, and the relationship with my daughter is now (almost) free from the baggage of the past. I hope we've broken that cycle in this generation, and that you can do so too, and find peace :grouphug:.

[G5052]

I had a poor relationship with my mother, who probably has NPD. When I found myself directing the exact same hurtful comments my mother used to direct at me at my daughter, I found a therapist.

 

Therapy was one of the best things I've ever done. I have done a lot to heal from past issues, and the relationship with my daughter is now (almost) free from the baggage of the past. I hope we've broken that cycle in this generation, and that you can do so too, and find peace :grouphug:.

 

Absolutely worthwhile.

 

She had me really work on praising my daughter for who is she is, not for who I want her to be. And to focus on coming aside my children, not dominating them. Now it is second nature.

[*********]

I have no daughters (stepdaughter, but she HAS a mom, iykwim; I have more an aunt/big sister role in her life), but I thought I'd give you my story anyway.

 

Short back info: mom and dad divorced when I was 4, mom lost custody to dad because of drug use, mom stopped visiting when I was 8, looked mom up when I was 17, mom did not make any effort to stay in contact. Now at age 34, I have not seen mom in 17 years, no one knows where she lives, and her family memebers reluctantly inform me that she still is not an 'upstanding' person.

 

Anyway, I believe the Lord did not give me my own daughters because I have so much baggage attached to my own mother. At least with boys, I have *no* frame of reference instead of a *bad* one, iykwim.

 

But, I do a lot of things with my boys that I wish BOTH of my parents had done for me as a child. I pretty much parent the OPPOSITE of my parents, which I would never tell my dad, but it's true.

 

I don't scream at them or beat them with belts. I study the Bible with them, and actually live what I profess to believe. I tell them multiple times a day that I love them; I snuggle them; I play with them. I serve them. I just generally really try to convey to them how wanted and loved they are; I never felt that way as a child. OH! And a BIG one to me; I actually apologize to them when I mess up. My parents never once did that that I can recall.

[HappyLady]

I realized at a very young age that I didn't want to be anything like my mother, but then when I started dating I discovered I treated the guys I dated like my mother treated me. I worked very hard, on my own, to stop myself whenever I saw my mother coming out of me. When I finally got married and had my DD I had pretty much changed my whole way of thinking and acting. With my DD, I'm constantly telling her the things I wish my my mother had told me and there's never a day that goes by that I don't hug her, kiss her and tell her I love her. I couldn't imagine either one of my kids growing up and feeling the pain that I felt growing up and that right there is motivation enough for me to not treat them like I was treated.

[Harriet Vane]

It's ok to say, "Stop. I did not want to say that. I'm sorry. What I really want to say is. . . " Be honest with your dds about wanting to have a better relationship with them.

 

:iagree: This will help train you to a new response right then and there. And honestly, your dd will respect you for it.

[Stages]

I had a very poor relationship with my mother when I was growing up (it is much better now that we haven't lived in the same house for seven years). She says her biggest regret raising me was treating me like I was a bad kid, when in fact, I was pretty awesome :tongue_smilie: (church kid, good grades, never home more than ten minutes after curfew, etc.) I highly suspect my mom has borderline personality disorder, so that was another issue.

 

With my daughter, I make an effort to do the opposite of what I think my mom would have done. I'm fairly strict, but I'm not critical of DD. I don't allow things like running in the library, but she would never get in trouble for accidentally spilling paint on the kitchen floor. When she gets disciplined, I try to make it calm and matter-of-fact instead of yelling and getting overly emotional about it. She is always invited for a hug after I explain why she got in trouble.

 

We do spank, but we haven't had to for at least a year, since she's old enough for time-outs now. Before that, I would ask myself if I was spanking her because I was mad, or because she genuinely needed one to correct her behavior. If it was because I was mad, she would get a hug instead.

 

I make sure to give DD lots of hugs and snuggles, and tell her how proud I am of her every single day. I tell her she's a good girl quite often, and try to find positive traits I can compliment her on daily (pointing out when she has very good manners, etc.). If she's being bad, I make sure I tell her that she's *being* naughty, not that she *is* naughty.

 

I do realize that I may be setting myself up for a self-entitled child with an over-inflated sense of self-worth, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.

[PrincessMommy]

I homeschooled my kids. Seriously.

 

I am there for my kids. My mom was much too busy with her own life to be concerned with us (especially my younger sis and myself). She wanted to re-live her youth. :001_rolleyes:

 

When homeschooling my middle daughter wasn't working out I put her in a good school. It changed our relationship for the better. So I guess I could say I don't try to pigeon hole my kids into one way of learning and living. I try to meet their needs and listen to them.

 

I tell them I love them and I try to be affectionate with them. There wasn't any affection in my home growing up and I'm not sure I ever heard my parents tell me they loved me. It was hard to break the affectionate cycle - because it doesn't come naturally. It helps that my dh and his family is very demonstrative (although that often really bothers me). I don't really like PDAs...except with my kids.

 

I try not to over discipline or protect my kids. I dont' want a home that is so rigid and authoritarian that the kids can't wait to get away.

 

Now that I have adult children I try real hard not to be a meddling and nagging mom. I want them to want to be around me. We have some family members who are very naggy - it's irritating and makes us want to clam up even more about our business. I don't want my kids to be that way with me.

 

I don't dump about my mom. The funny things is, the kids picked up on it on their own. "Why doesnt' grandma every come over??" Sigh. And when she lived with us they learned some other things about her. But still, I'm just don't feel comfortable throwing my mom under the bus. I guess there is a case for being honest, but when I tried to do it it just felt like I was dumping. They have their own relationship with my mom and I have mine.

 

I also find myself spiraling toward being negative with my kids from time to time. It's good to notice this and nip it in the bud. When the kids were little I had to be careful who my other mommy friends were. Some moms were very negative about their kids or being a mom...and it would rub off on me! I just knew it would be too easy to slip into that attitude, so I avoided it when I could.

 

I think it's good to be honest and say you know you've developed a bad habit but that you're trying to fix it. I think kids can appreciate when their parents admit they're doing wrong and trying hard to do the right thing.

 

:grouphug: to you. It's hard to unlearn bad habits, but you can do it.

[kewb]

I will admit to this always being at the forefront of my mind. My mother was emotionally distant when I was growing up. She is also the queen of negative support. I feared having this kind of relationship with my dd that when I found out she was a girl I cried for weeks. It was actually my step-mother-in-law who helped me through this. She also had a lousy relationship with her mother and has a daughter (she has a wonderful relationship with her dd). She flat out told me that my relationship with my daughter has nothing to do with my relationship with my mother. I will make the relationship what I want it to be. I am not my mother.

 

My dd is 11 now and we have a pretty good relationship. It is certainly better than the one I have with my mother. She knows I love her (I tell her and show her all the time). Our relationship does have rocky times though. She is a lot like me and that does cause conflict.

 

The key for me is remembering I am not my mother. I won't say I never slip because I do. But, unlike my mother, I tell my dd that I am sorry and we talk about whatever it is I did or did not do.

[AK_Mom4]

Like some of the other posters, I apologize. Definitely something my mother never did. Stuck my foot in my mouth again last night, so I got more apology-practice this morning with DD18.

 

And I don't keep secrets - my mother was all about secrets and lies. If my kids ask about something I don't want to discuss with them, I just tell them straight out that I don't want to discuss that topic (my mother used to make up lies to hide her secrets).

 

I go to all my kids events to cheer them on (even the events that I can't stand).

[Zebra]

I really think knowing that you don't want to be like your mother is half the battle. So many people won't acknowledge there is anything wrong with their behavior.

 

My mother NEVER apologized for anything. If she lost her temper, it was always MY fault for driving her to it. I won't bore you with any more details than that :tongue_smilie:.

 

I think honesty(admitting when you messed up), and also really seeing your daughter as an individual. At 18 they become your peer, and you need to work up to that.

 

I also read "The Mom Factor" and "Boundaries" which were immensely helpful to me. :grouphug: