Trresh Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 My 18 year old niece's boyfriend of almost 2 years just broke up with her. She's absolutely devastated. Her mom moved 2 states away from her when she was 2 years old so she doesn't have a mother-figure in her life. Her dad's not really there for her emotionally, either. He did raise her all these years, though. We, as adults, know everything will be okay but this is every bit as painful and real to her as it would be to us. I've said all the basic things....It's gonna take time, He was a jerk anyway, It's better you know now, I understand, etc... What can I do for her to really help? I remember how painful things like this were at her age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hana Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Tea, chocolate, listening. She needs to hear that even though you know, "he's a jerk; it's better you know now, etc." you also realize how much she is hurting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HiddenJewel Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 I think all you can do is be there probably not saying anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 I guess the first thing I would do is let her grieve the relationship -- try to be close to her while she does, and make sure she doesn't carry on that process longer than she needs. Then I guess I would arrange for her to visit you, keep her occupied, maybe some starbucks trips, movies with you and the kids or just you, and encourage her to do fun things with her friends. I cannot think of anything else - but I do want to say that I think you are great for taking such an interest.:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Not words, but keep her distracted and busy if you can. Especially at night when things may be quieter and she has time to think. It's just going to take time, and staying busy helps! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Let her know you're there for her. It's not always easy to listen to someone with a broken heart, especially when they go over and over the same painful details in an uncomprehending, desolate way. If you can be there to listen, I think that would probably be the most helpful. Let her know you care, send her flowers? Take her shopping? Go for a 'girls' night out'? Poor kid, I remember having my heart broken too. I hope she bounces back soon. A friend of mine used to say that the only cure for a broken heart is a new man :D. I don't know how she'd feel about that just now. Best wishes Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HiddenJewel Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 The one thought that keeps coming to mind though is the fact that he may not be a jerk. It would depend on how things were handled. He may have realized that continuing a relationship was not in the best interest for either of them. Thus ending the relationship. That does not equal a jerk. One of the best things my dh's girlfriend did for him many years ago is to break off their relationship. He was devastated and didn't get out of bed for several days. But it was the best for both of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trresh Posted February 6, 2012 Author Share Posted February 6, 2012 I think all in all he's not a bad kid but he's definitely a bad boyfriend. He didn't want her but he didn't want anyone else to have her either so he strung her along and started dating someone else before he broke it off with her. I let her know that her hurt is very real and that she has every right to mourn. She graduated mid-term so she's at home all day by herself. I need to figure out something to keep her busy during the week in the daytime hours. Thank you for the suggestions! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 My 18 year old niece's boyfriend of almost 2 years just broke up with her. She's absolutely devastated. Her mom moved 2 states away from her when she was 2 years old so she doesn't have a mother-figure in her life. Her dad's not really there for her emotionally, either. He did raise her all these years, though. We, as adults, know everything will be okay but this is every bit as painful and real to her as it would be to us. I've said all the basic things....It's gonna take time, He was a jerk anyway, It's better you know now, I understand, etc... What can I do for her to really help? I remember how painful things like this were at her age. First, I don't understand why you had to say this is "every bit as painful?" Of course it is! I met the man who is now my husband when we were in elementary school. We dated on and off through our teens, finally coming back together and getting married in our late 20s. At no point have I ever felt my love for him is more "real" now that we are adults. I think getting your heart broken is equally painful, no matter what your age. I've also read many times that the whole "he was a jerk, anyway" approach isn't neccessarily helpful. There's every possibility they will get back together at some point, and now you will be the bad guy for saying you don't like him. I suspect the best thing you can do is just what you would do for an adult friend: provide chocolate and hugs and sympathy. Tell her you know it hurts and also that you know she is strong enough to pull herself back together. Assure her there is no need to hurry through her feelings. Remind her of how much she is loved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 (edited) I can't help but wonder how much of this is about how much she loved the guy, versus how her self-esteem is hurt by the fact that he left her for another girl. I think that, more than anything, she needs to realize that she is a beautiful, valuable person, and if she has been with the same guy for a few years, she may be placing far too much importance on his opinion of her. If he was a bad boyfriend, but she stuck with him anyway, she may need to wake up and realize that she has to learn to stick up for herself and not put up with poor behavior from any guy. She doesn't realize it yet, but it's so important for her to realize that no boyfriend is better than a boyfriend she can't trust. I'm sorry she has to deal with this, but I'm glad she has you to talk to about it. Ultimately, it's better that she is facing this now, rather than a few years from now when she might have been married to the guy and had a couple of kids. Edited February 6, 2012 by Catwoman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 I can't help but wonder how much of this is about how much she loved the guy, versus how her self-esteem is hurt by the fact that he left her for another girl. I think that, more than anything, she needs to realize that she is a beautiful, valuable person, and if she has been with the same guy for a few years, she may be placing far too much importance on his opinion of her. If he was a bad boyfriend, but she stuck with him anyway, she may need to wake up and realize that she has to learn to stick up for herself and not put up with poor behavior from any guy. She doesn't realize it yet, but it's so important for her to realize that no boyfriend is better than a boyfriend she can't trust. I'm sorry she has to deal with this, but I'm glad she has you to talk to about it. Ultimately, it's better that she is facing this now, rather than a few years from now when she might have been married to the guy and had a couple of kids. Amen to the bolded! Better to be single than wishing you were. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 : Not words, but keep her distracted and busy if you can. Especially at night when things may be quieter and she has time to think. It's just going to take time, and staying busy helps! :iagree: the best thing my mother did was gentle vision casting. She told me that it hurt really bad right now, but in 3 months it would feel a lot different. I just started dreaming about 3 months down the road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 I'm going through the same thing. Dd19's boyfriend broke up with her the day after Thanksgiving. He sat down at the Thanksgiving table with her dad's family. I took them out for a midnight burger that night. The next morning, he told her he didn't think he wanted to be a couple anymore. They talked, she cried, he wavered. A few minutes after they hung up, he texted her that he was breaking up with her. It's been over 2 months and she still cries about it. She is beating herself up trying to figure out what she did wrong. Meanwhile, he's back to his full-time gaming and playing in his band with the dream of making it big. One of the reasons he gave for breaking up with her is because he missed hanging out with his bro friends. I sit with her, hold her, and point out all of the good things she has going for her. I try not to bash him because I don't want her to be defensive, but I do try to gently remind her of what kind of person he is and what she is really wanting in a relationship. If she is feeling especially blue, we try to do something together. Unfortunately, due to her relationship with that ex, she lost all but 2 of her friends. Those girls don't seem to have an interest in renewing their friendships. Of the two friends she has left, one lives 4 hours away and the other just moved out of state. She's feeling like she lost everything. It's not pretty and my heart aches for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 My 18 year old niece's boyfriend of almost 2 years just broke up with her. She's absolutely devastated. Her mom moved 2 states away from her when she was 2 years old so she doesn't have a mother-figure in her life. Her dad's not really there for her emotionally, either. He did raise her all these years, though. We, as adults, know everything will be okay but this is every bit as painful and real to her as it would be to us. I've said all the basic things....It's gonna take time, He was a jerk anyway, It's better you know now, I understand, etc... What can I do for her to really help? I remember how painful things like this were at her age. I would personally suggest you lay off the bold. It's invalidating. It may (or may not) be true. But she's heartbroken. She wanted him. She can't have him. She's entitled to those hurts without mitigation. I think the ending, where he strung her along, is fairly common. I'd be careful not to demonize him. If SHE says something negative, I'd offer understanding, but I would not offer the negatives myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 I think all in all he's not a bad kid but he's definitely a bad boyfriend. He didn't want her but he didn't want anyone else to have her either so he strung her along and started dating someone else before he broke it off with her. Oh no. This sounds like a situation that might repeat itself. He may tire of the current girl and come back to your niece. If your niece thinks the sun rises and sets with this guy, she may go back to him. I've seen it happen. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 I too would be careful about bashing him. He may come back at a later date. Be there for her, offer her a shoulder and lots of chocolate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trresh Posted February 7, 2012 Author Share Posted February 7, 2012 First, I don't understand why you had to say this is "every bit as painful?" Of course it is! I met the man who is now my husband when we were in elementary school. We dated on and off through our teens, finally coming back together and getting married in our late 20s. At no point have I ever felt my love for him is more "real" now that we are adults. I think getting your heart broken is equally painful, no matter what your age. I've also read many times that the whole "he was a jerk, anyway" approach isn't neccessarily helpful. There's every possibility they will get back together at some point, and now you will be the bad guy for saying you don't like him. I suspect the best thing you can do is just what you would do for an adult friend: provide chocolate and hugs and sympathy. Tell her you know it hurts and also that you know she is strong enough to pull herself back together. Assure her there is no need to hurry through her feelings. Remind her of how much she is loved. I mentioned it because a lot of people think 'Oh, it's just young love. We all go through it. She'll get over it. What's the big deal?' and I wanted to point out that she was truly, seriously heart-broken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trresh Posted February 7, 2012 Author Share Posted February 7, 2012 I can't help but wonder how much of this is about how much she loved the guy, versus how her self-esteem is hurt by the fact that he left her for another girl. I think that, more than anything, she needs to realize that she is a beautiful, valuable person, and if she has been with the same guy for a few years, she may be placing far too much importance on his opinion of her. If he was a bad boyfriend, but she stuck with him anyway, she may need to wake up and realize that she has to learn to stick up for herself and not put up with poor behavior from any guy. She doesn't realize it yet, but it's so important for her to realize that no boyfriend is better than a boyfriend she can't trust. I'm sorry she has to deal with this, but I'm glad she has you to talk to about it. Ultimately, it's better that she is facing this now, rather than a few years from now when she might have been married to the guy and had a couple of kids. I think you nailed it. I hope I can drive the bolded part home to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trresh Posted February 7, 2012 Author Share Posted February 7, 2012 I'm going through the same thing. Dd19's boyfriend broke up with her the day after Thanksgiving. He sat down at the Thanksgiving table with her dad's family. I took them out for a midnight burger that night. The next morning, he told her he didn't think he wanted to be a couple anymore. They talked, she cried, he wavered. A few minutes after they hung up, he texted her that he was breaking up with her. It's been over 2 months and she still cries about it. She is beating herself up trying to figure out what she did wrong. Meanwhile, he's back to his full-time gaming and playing in his band with the dream of making it big. One of the reasons he gave for breaking up with her is because he missed hanging out with his bro friends. I sit with her, hold her, and point out all of the good things she has going for her. I try not to bash him because I don't want her to be defensive, but I do try to gently remind her of what kind of person he is and what she is really wanting in a relationship. If she is feeling especially blue, we try to do something together. Unfortunately, due to her relationship with that ex, she lost all but 2 of her friends. Those girls don't seem to have an interest in renewing their friendships. Of the two friends she has left, one lives 4 hours away and the other just moved out of state. She's feeling like she lost everything. It's not pretty and my heart aches for her. I'm sorry your DD is hurting. My niece is also trying to figure out what she did wrong. It breaks my heart. Thank you all!! I'll take everyone's advice and lay off bashing him. It'll be hard though!:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelwydd Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 Maybe this is bad advice (Joanne, please spot me!), but my inclination would be to invite her over for a girl's night in, doing stuff like a facial, doing nails, etc., eating chocolate, and watching Fried Green Tomatoes. Or something else funny. And not really talk, just listen if she starts sharing. Lots of hugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 Is she a member of a church, by chance? If so, perhaps there is a young adults group she can join, or faith lectures she can sit in on. When I am going through something difficult, it helps me put things into perspective when I realize there is something much greater and powerful than what I am presently going through... Another thing that might help her get her mind off of herself a bit is to do volunteer work, maybe with people that are worse off than herself, even? Volunteer at a homeless shelter, a children's hospital, etc.? Or, help her think of an exciting plan for her future? I'm sorry, I don't remember what she is doing now, and I can't get back to your thread while I'm answering this. Is she in school? Graduated and working? Could she join up with a month-long volunteer work abroad program, or something like that? Something super exciting, that would help her look forward and expand her horizons? I know of several organizations that help arrange volunteer work abroad for young adults. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 Time is what heals it. Dd had a broken heart and only time healed it with the realisation that she did not want to be treated like that for sure. She has never actually spoken badly about him and we concluded as a family that while she was hurt badly, then he was just not ready for the commitment, but is still a decent person. I think us saying that made her feel better, at least about her choice and the support we showed for her. I hope your niece will bounce back soon. Knowing she is loved and cherished go a long way for the self-esteem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trresh Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 Wow....The situation is getting worse. According to FB, he's now in a relationship with a junior in high school (he'll be 20 this weekend) who just had a baby at the end of December (not his) and the new gf recently just broke-up with her latest boyfriend (also, not the baby's father) about a week ago or so. I guess it's best not to tell her. It's going to kill her when she learns of it, though. Would it be better coming from me? I truly don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 He was a jerk anyway Was he actually a jerk? Or was he just a young man who was ready to move on from this relationship? When my high school love of 2 1/2 years broke up with me, I was, of course, devastated. I thought he was the biggest @$$ in the world. As I matured I realized he wasn't an @$$ at all, just a relatively immature young man who didn't know how to end a relationship. Were it me, I would focus on what your niece can do for herself and not say negative things about the guy. If she loves him, it doesn't really help for other people to act like the man she loves is a jerk. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 To quote my DH: Let's be thankful to him, because he has set you free so that you can find the right person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I guess it's best not to tell her. It's going to kill her when she learns of it, though. Would it be better coming from me? I truly don't know. Really, I would stay out of that aspect of it. Offer support to your niece, but don't be gossipy. Who he is dating or the circumstances thereof really aren't something you should be involved in (or her, for that matter). Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Wow....The situation is getting worse. According to FB, he's now in a relationship with a junior in high school (he'll be 20 this weekend) who just had a baby at the end of December (not his) and the new gf recently just broke-up with her latest boyfriend (also, not the baby's father) about a week ago or so. I guess it's best not to tell her. It's going to kill her when she learns of it, though. Would it be better coming from me? I truly don't know. If she's going to find out anyway, I guess it would be better for her to hear it from you -- and it may help her realize that she really dodged a bullet. This guy is sounding like more and more of a loser. (And how do you know for sure that he's not the baby's father?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Oh no. This sounds like a situation that might repeat itself. He may tire of the current girl and come back to your niece. If your niece thinks the sun rises and sets with this guy, she may go back to him. I've seen it happen. :( http://www.folkinfo.org/songs/displaysong.php?songid=152 I used to sing the last verse of this song to comfort myself: "he's no lad for windy weather". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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