s/o alone with therapist thread

[choirfarm]

Ok.. it seems like most of you have strong feelings about kids not being alone with therapists... yet I think about physically abusive type people. Kids/women will not say ANYTHING in front of a person... you need to talk to them alone.

 

Then I see senario #2 which probably applies more to the thread.. My oldest from the time he was around 2 until 6 or so would cry when I left him. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I'm talking screaming. I went to a parent's night out and it was my friend...he knew her and she had to hold him so he wouldn't run after me... Every single care provider would tell me that he would stop within 2 minutes when I left the room. I've had the same thing happen in the nursery at church..parents would just stay because little Johnny was upset... It took them 30 minutes to leave... Once they finally did Johnny was fine!!!! I really wished I could have been rude and said LEAVE NOW.. Seriously, they were not doing their child any good...

 

Now my other 2 I could leave and they were fine. If they were ever upset about something, I took it seriously. But for my oldest that is what he needed.. So that is what I think the therapist was talking about...

[Sputterduck]

I left my son with my dad once and with my dad and exh once and at the nursery at church once. He did not get better after I left. He cried and cried and cried the whole time. He was exhausted and miserable when I got back. Not every kid gets magically better after a couple minutes.

 

Now, at 7, my son has spent a week away with my parents a few times. I'm so glad I waiting for him timing because I'm telling you he'd have been traumatized otherwise. Now he's fully confident and comfortable being away.

 

FTR, I used to cry when my mom would leave and then stop after she left. Was I okay? No. I just wasn't comfortable crying in front of people that I was not close to. I didn't feel *any* better. I just kept my emotions inside.

[nono]

I've had the same thing happen in the nursery at church..parents would just stay because little Johnny was upset... It took them 30 minutes to leave... Once they finally did Johnny was fine!!!! I really wished I could have been rude and said LEAVE NOW.. Seriously, they were not doing their child any good...

 

 

Well, you didn't have my son. More than once, he didn't calm down, and he got escorted to church to be with me after being a disruptive influence for 20-30 minutes. :tongue_smilie:

 

And I disagree that they weren't doing their child 'any good.' They were attending to his emotional needs of the time. They were teaching him that how he felt did matter to them. What they weren't doing was doing your schedule any good. You had a timeframe for the group; the child didn't care. Isn't that so much of the struggle with littles? They couldn't care less about our ideas of timing and how things should go. :glare: :)

[Sputterduck]

Also, I watched a nursery worker *lie* to a parent about their child calming down. He cried the *whole* time. The worker assured her that he calmed down right away and was happy the whole time. That was about it for me with that nursery. The kid was even crying when the parent walked in. The lie didn't even make any sense because the parent could see that the child was *not* fine.

Edited January 27, 2012 by Sputterduck

[Embassy]

Then I see senario #2 which probably applies more to the thread.. My oldest from the time he was around 2 until 6 or so would cry when I left him. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I'm talking screaming. I went to a parent's night out and it was my friend...he knew her and she had to hold him so he wouldn't run after me... Every single care provider would tell me that he would stop within 2 minutes when I left the room. I've had the same thing happen in the nursery at church..parents would just stay because little Johnny was upset... It took them 30 minutes to leave... Once they finally did Johnny was fine!!!! I really wished I could have been rude and said LEAVE NOW.. Seriously, they were not doing their child any good...

 

 

 

Not all kids fit with that philosophy though. I had a well-intentioned Sunday School teacher decide to do what you suggested after I had asked her to contact me the moment my son cried. She didn't. She was the mom of several kids and she had her own philosophy about things it seemed. As a result my son regressed in his ability to go to his class independently. Months of effort went down the drain in her one decision. Some kids just don't settle down in those types of situations.

[frugalmama]

I don't allow my DD alone with ANYONE besides me or my mother. Period. We've switched Peds and Dentists because of this. If they must talk with her one on one, then I expect to have visual and audio observation in the room.

 

 

It's the one thing I will not budge on - in this day and age it's too easy for a child to be hurt by an adult they trusted.

[Farrar]

I don't really relate to the way people here often react about their children have contact with strangers or being alone with them. I wouldn't bat an eye about leaving my kid in a class with a teacher I don't know, in a therapy situation, in a class with a new Sunday school teacher, etc. I don't worry about it. I respect that some people do, but I would be really tired if I tried worried about every single person who ever has any contact with my kids.

 

The thing about the parents leaving the littles in class is a little different to me. The first thing is a trust issue. Some parents don't trust the teachers/therapists/coaches of the world. The second is more like a dynamic between the parent and the child. I don't think it's that the parent doesn't trust the Sunday school teacher in the situation you describe, but rather that they want to comfort their child. This, for me, is one of the most deep and difficult questions in parenting. If you don't show affection when a child is distressed, will the child feel insecure? Or is your attention feeding the tantrum or the worry, thus making your child feel less secure? I don't have any answers, I just see it as a different issue.

[Night Elf]

I'll edit this because I wasn't posting in the spirit of the conversation. :)

 

FWIW, I've dealt with children who weren't fine after parents left either. I would do my best to help the child but in some situations, like having multiple children around, I couldn't devote myself solely to one child at the expense of the others. I would do my best to engage them but sometimes they just wanted to sit off to the side and be unhappy.

Edited January 27, 2012 by Night Elf

[scrapbabe]

I think ideally a therapist (or any doctor for that matter) gives the parent a chance to build up a trust. Don't spring it on me that on day one, two, or three you will be alone with my child whether I like it or not. Why not let me visit with you and get to know you a bit and then suggest meeting alone with my child and explain what you will do and why being alone is helpful?

 

I once made an appointment with a dentist for the kids who didn't even tell me they don't allow parents in the room. My husband found out because he saw a sign there when he went for a visit. I then called them and asked them. They acted like that was no big deal. I told them I thought it was a big deal. They wouldn't change their mind so I brought the kids elsewhere. After a couple of visits I now have no problem sending my kids alone. I feel comfortable with the way the office is set up (that nothing could happen because everything is so out in the open) and the staff was decent enough to not make an issue of me being in the room.

 

I don't think I'm paranoid and I don't believe most people are out to hurt me, but I'm not stupid enough to think it's not possible. I don't blindly trust people because they have a title.

:iagree:

[Night Elf]

I think I did the same thing. LOL

 

Oops. I guess I was still stuck on the other thread.

 

Can you point me to that thread? Maybe I can glean some information about my own personal situation. :)

[Tap]

My children don't go to speech therapy, occupational therapy or the physical therapist to discuss the details of our home life. Your example of an abusive relationship has nothing to do with these situations. We are there for a reason, and the reason is clear. ST, OT, or PT....that is it.

 

 

I want to be in the room, not because I abuse my children and want to hide it from people, but because I want to continue therapy at home. I need to know what is happening so I can work with the child in my off time. I have always been allowed in the room, for every type of therapy my children have had. I sit quietly, unless involved in the action, and just observe. I let my children work with the therapist, but yes, I will be in the room, unless there becomes a reason for me to not be....and then we will address those issues on a case-by-case circumstance.

[Laurie4b]

Ok..

 

Then I see senario #2 which probably applies more to the thread.. My oldest from the time he was around 2 until 6 or so would cry when I left him. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I'm talking screaming. I went to a parent's night out and it was my friend...he knew her and she had to hold him so he wouldn't run after me... Every single care provider would tell me that he would stop within 2 minutes when I left the room. I've had the same thing happen in the nursery at church..parents would just stay because little Johnny was upset... It took them 30 minutes to leave... Once they finally did Johnny was fine!!!! I really wished I could have been rude and said LEAVE NOW.. Seriously, they were not doing their child any good...

 

.

 

My ds2 cried so hard and so long the first time I left him (along with his older brother) with a friend that he threw up.

 

I think contempt for the way parents choose to deal with separation issues is uncalled for.

[Harriet Vane]

Different children cope in different ways with group situations.

 

My dd was one who would NOT ever calm down if I left her as a little one. Dh's family scoffed at this. However, they learned better when I left dd with her grandmother and her aunt (both people I love and trust and count as not just family, but also friends). Dh and I went canoeing. We were unreachable. Dd cried for FOUR HOURS. Other attempts to leave her with people went poorly also--once upset, she stayed upset.

 

I would be absolutely infuriated if a church nursery worker tried to tell me to just leave, and even more so if they didn't come get me if dd became upset. I know my daughter, and if she was still crying after ten minutes, she was not going to stop.

 

My ds was totally different. He didn't have the same issues with being babysat. Different kids, different responses.

 

As for leaving my kid alone with a professional--absolutely NOT. Abuse is real, and I have known too many who have been hurt. In this day and age it really is common sense to either stay with the child, or be in a room with a window for the parent to observe, or have a second adult present. It's what I expect in a church setting, and I think it's reasonable in a therapeutic setting as well.

[Harriet Vane]

 

I think contempt for the way parents choose to deal with separation issues is uncalled for.

 

:iagree:

[Jenny in Florida]

I left my son with my dad once and with my dad and exh once and at the nursery at church once. He did not get better after I left. He cried and cried and cried the whole time. He was exhausted and miserable when I got back. Not every kid gets magically better after a couple minutes.

 

Well, you didn't have my son. More than once, he didn't calm down, and he got escorted to church to be with me after being a disruptive influence for 20-30 minutes.

 

Some kids just don't settle down in those types of situations.

 

Yep.

 

I think it is incredibly arrogant to assume that we know best, because all kids are the same.

 

My daughter had unusually difficult challenges with separations. When my she was little, I tried to go back to singing with our church's choir. Rehearsals were two hours, once a week, during the evening. My husband tried to keep our daughter home while I went to rehearsals. She adored him and spent lots of time with him. But, when I tried to leave, she would cry hysterically the entire time I was gone . . . when she was left in her own home with her own father. He tried EVERYTHING he could think of to distract her, including putting her in her stroller and wheeling her around the apartment while he sang. Nothing worked. After the third or fourth time, he finally started calling me during rehearsal asking me to come home.

 

Needless to say, I didn't go back to choir for a few years.

 

Her preschool teachers had to call me a couple of times to come comfort her.

 

She would never stay in the church nursery. The professional care-giver finally suggested that we wait until she was older before trying again.

 

Kids do have this pesky tendency to have their own personalities.

[momma aimee]

both my boys have been alone with therapists, but starting at different ages. I am a firm respecter of (same rules apply, thought apply to, babysitter, church nursery and so on ..... i see 'time apart from momma" int he same light be it for me to go out for for OT)

 

1. the child. My youngest separated from me much younger than my older son, likely cuz he was with Big. But i never force a child to separate for any reason (ST, OT, church nursery, momma and daddy going out, etc) until the child is clearly 100% ok with it and happy. I do not leave a child alone with Daddy untill the child is 100% on board. this is set in stone and doesn't change.

 

if my 3.5 yo was willing to go with therapist alone, fine, my youngest was spending time alone with ST at just before 3. He'd literally know her since birth though as she had worked with #1 also.

 

#1 was not alone, with same ST, till he was well over 3. his choice, not mine.

 

2. I have to know and have a history with the person. I had no issue leaving my not yet 3 year with that ST because we know her, and had been working with her, for a long time. I knew how she spoke to the children, i know how she corrected them, i knew how she engages them, i know what level of "frustration" she'd take them to, and when she'd stop. i knew she understood them both (at the time) well enough to "get" if they need me, or potty, or to stop or .....

 

My issue is not fear of abuse. i understand that abuse is much more common in family and close family friends. my issue IS interaction that contradictory to our parenting style or do not respect my children.

 

My youngest happily walked off to his first OT session with a wave, his brother had been seeing the same OT for almost a year ... i waved and opened my book. he was fine and i was fine due to past history with her. I DID go to the observation room for his first 4 ST sessions, he refused to let me go int he room "my time" he'd sigh to me. I did not know the ST he was set to see so i went to watch.

 

for me there is no "hard set rule" (though I think I'd be hard pressed to let a child under 2 be without me save with my sister, or my mom: I admit both of mine have been close to 3 for a non-family babysitter -- or non-close as family babysitter) but it has to be based on the child, the adult and the situation.

[angela in ohio]

My view is not because I don't want to see my dc upset.:confused: That has nothing to do with it.

 

It's because I don't give a doctor or other professional of any type a different status than an average stranger in providing access to my young dc.

[Joanne]

For me, it depends on the role of the person in my family's life and the reason I need that person in our lives. From that, and with the mama-understanding of the child involved, I will make leave alone decisions.

[Heather in Neverland]

My ds2 cried so hard and so long the first time I left him (along with his older brother) with a friend that he threw up.

 

I think contempt for the way parents choose to deal with separation issues is uncalled for.

 

:iagree:

 

My ds would cry until he threw up EVERY time I left him until he was about 5 yo. My other two did not. Every child is different and have different needs. But that's the mommy wars for ya... :glare:

[dirty ethel rackham]

Well, I had children cry when I left and whimper for hours. My mom tried to tell me the kids were fine, but I felt the tears on their beds - they had been whimpering a while. They weren't fine. Then, for the next three days, I had velcro children who would dissolve into tears if I insisted on going to the bathroom by myself. By the time they were 4, they were fine ... but only with people they knew would take them seriously if they were unhappy (which was not my mom for many years..)