am i weird that this irritates me?

[Denisemomof4]

:iagree: I get irritated by people who want to encourage flirty/romantic boyfriend/girlfriend stuff in young children. I don't like it and do not find it cute.

 

this behavior appalls me. I can't stand that there are dances now for elementary school, and it sickens me when mothers are telling their dd not to wear heels when they dance with so and so, telling their sons to stand up straight, etc. And the attire, make-up and jewelry? :svengo:

 

I also can't stand it when people meet my very nice son, almost 20, and are so impressed with his kind and respectable spirit, as well as his good looks, then try to get me to set my son up with their daughter. It's happened so many times, and now I can happily say, "NO! He's in a serious relationship." I actually was happy to end one relationship because no matter what I said, my friend was relentless in trying to get my oldest to date her oldest. Even my son got sick of it.

[Dustybug]

So you are irritated that she thought your boy said something nice to her dd? Okay then.

 

 

If you don't like her, don't talk to her but I think it is a silly thing to be irritated about. SOunds like she was trying to open the door to you by offering a compliment/story whatever about your son saying he was cute. And you shut her down by being irritated and mumbling a response? In that regard yes I would say you are weird. I don't think you need to best friends with the woman but what is wrong with simply saying Thank you and moving on without getting irritated over something so trivial?

 

:iagree:

 

BUT I also agree that it annoys me when people encourage flirtatious relationships with young children.

 

My MIL commented during my DD's ballet recital (she is 5) that she was "learning to shake her hips for boys later." :blink: I got really agitated, but she just laughed it off and she constantly talks about how DD's "shape" will get her in trouble with the boys when she gets older. I think it's disgusting that she thinks about a 5 year old that way.

[8circles]

A boy thinking a girl is pretty is sexualizing children? Not "hot" or "sexy," just pretty. :confused:

No, an adult making assumptions about a boy thinking a girl is pretty is sexualizing children. I don't see any reason to comment on it at all. IMO noticing the comment & letting others know that it was said is making it into something - if not exactly sexual then going in that direction at least.

Reading sexual intent into "pretty" is silly. I agree. I think the other mom was doing that. That is the impression I got from the exchange.

 

To the OP's question:

 

The little girl probably is pretty, in a sweet little girl way. If indeed your ds did say something to the little girl, maybe he liked the bow in her hair or her smile or the flower on her shirt, but I wouldn't read any more into it than that. :) My ds thinks a little girl in his choir is pretty. He also thinks I'm pretty, and that his friend's big sister is pretty, and that the cat across the street is pretty, and that the flowers in the front yard are pretty. My dd used to tell me, at age 8, that she thought her friend was pretty. She probably said so to her friend too.

 

Assume good, and innocent, intent unless it is obviously intended otherwis, on the part of the children and the mom. You don't have to think it's "cute" but I wouldn't assume that the mom is promoting a crush or a relationship from a simple statement like that.

 

Cat

 

Again, although I doubt that my DS said anything about this girl being pretty, I wouldn't be concerned at all if he had. I certainly wouldn't be telling anyone else about it & I'd not make it a big deal if he discussed it with me. People are pretty. Nothing wrong with noticing.

[8circles]

:seeya:

 

Sometimes it's best to just smile and wave.

 

 

[scrapbookbuzz]

But, try to realize your boy may have shared the compliment. Move on.

 

:iagree:

[myfunnybunch]

No, an adult making assumptions about a boy thinking a girl is pretty is sexualizing children. I don't see any reason to comment on it at all. IMO noticing the comment & letting others know that it was said is making it into something - if not exactly sexual then going in that direction at least.

 

Then to your original question, yes. It is weird to think that another adult is even going in the direction of sexualizing her own child, or any child, by sharing that one said he or she thinks the other is pretty.

 

The other mom was probably trying to break the ice or start a simple conversation with you by sharing something she thought was sweet and complimentary and nothing more. Some people mention things they notice out loud in conversation. Kids hear us say things all the time like, "I like your hair," or "What a nice sweater,' and sometimes they might say to one another, "You look pretty today." I find it really disturbing that a conversation that could very well have gone like this, Girl: "Mom, so-and-so said he thinks I'm pretty," Mom: "That's nice, dear," and then Mom mentioned it to you when she saw you has been turned into trying to promote a relationship and sexualization of children. By reading sexual undertones into innocent comments, they get turned into something icky and weird.

 

Cat

[myfunnybunch]

:iagree:

 

BUT I also agree that it annoys me when people encourage flirtatious relationships with young children.

 

My MIL commented during my DD's ballet recital (she is 5) that she was "learning to shake her hips for boys later." :blink: I got really agitated, but she just laughed it off and she constantly talks about how DD's "shape" will get her in trouble with the boys when she gets older. I think it's disgusting that she thinks about a 5 year old that way.

 

Ick. I think *that* is disturbing.

 

Cat

[Denisemomof4]

Over the years, I have learned to never, ever say that my kids wouldn't say or do certain things.

 

:iagree:this is SO true. You may feel that you know your kid inside and out, but they may be an entirely different creature around their peers. I've experienced some of this with my own kids, and I've seen it with my friend's kids.

[Denisemomof4]

My daughter fishes for compliments, but about things like how helpful or generous she is. Those are the types of things we have tried to instill (selfless acts or empathy toward others), so those are the things she likes to check on to make she 1) she is doing it right, and 2) other people have noticed. While she is internalizing the empathy/selflessness, she is acting from a child-appropriate perspective of doing these things to feel good about herself.

 

 

 

Amy, I hope you don't mind my input here, but I actually think this is a negative trait. I see this trait in both my sister AND in my youngest dd, now 8. They do things not out of the kindness of their heart, they do these things for the attention they receive, the compliments, etc. It is not selfless at all, it is very selfish. They don't really care about helping others, they care about how their help will make them look - like a saint. They thrive on the compliments, they fish for them, and my sister especially NEVER lets you forget what she's done for you. :glare:

 

Please understand that I'm not saying your dd is doing this, but maybe you can keep an eye on this and use these kind acts as opportunities to teach your dd that giving is done from the heart, and that we don't do it to look good or to make someone feel indebted, KWIM?

 

This probably sounds odd, but having watched my sister and dd so long, I just thought I'd mention it. Just toss this info away if it's not helpful to you.:001_smile:

[scrappyhappymama]

It would be the lie that bothered me...

 

My ds is currently in a "girls are ICK" stage. He would NEVER on pain of death tell a girl she was cute (especially if he was thinking that). Shudder at the thought! If someone came and told me that he said that, I'd know (by his current behavior) that it was a story. Another child in my family... another stage... who's to know... it could happen! But for *this* child at *this* time? No way.

 

It is very possible that OP is SURE that THIS son wouldn't have said that NOW.

 

So, if OP suspects a lie... I could see why that would bother her. Either the girl or the mom... it doesn't matter. Who wants to dig further? I'd keep my distance.

 

I have a 9 year old son and if I were in this same situation, I would *know* he did not say it. It is just completely against his nature at this point. Now, if you were talking about my seven year old, then I'd not be surprised in the least. But this son- he'd rather die than tell a girl she was pretty. BUT, we have known a few flirty little girls, and I could totally see this happening:

 

Little Girl: "Hey E!" twirling around in her skirt, "Don't you think I look pretty today?"

E: "Uh, sure. Ok." Blushing furiously. "Are we going to play legos now?"

 

Then later,

Little Girl: "Mommy! E said I was SO pretty!"

 

Overall, I think it's pretty innocent behavior. We don't encourage the flirty flirty, boyfriend/girlfriend talk with our young sons. But they've certainly been subjected to it a few times and we just let it slide. But we probably wouldn't make an effort to have lots of playdates together if it was persistent.

 

I can see getting annoyed if it's not your family preference to encourage such things. But I'd also be likely to attribute the mom's comments to a twisting of the conversation like I imagined above rather than blatant lying just to fish for a compliment or encourage an inappropriate relationship between the kids. A lot of people do think that's "cute," even if we don't.

[PeacefulChaos]

:iagree: I get irritated by people who want to encourage flirty/romantic boyfriend/girlfriend stuff in young children. I don't like it and do not find it cute.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

BIL's son was 8 and had a 'girlfriend'. She sent notes home with him every day. He carved their names in a tree. She called him over the summer. She called and asked BIL if my nephew could take her to the movies.

For real? I was like :001_huh: :glare:

[Denisemomof4]

Yep. This mom and her daughter at the very periphery of your lives. It would be a "Eh, whatever" kind of thing for me. It wouldn't bother me if an 8 year old said it and I would read anything into it. What the mom said wouldn't bother me either because all she said was that she thought it was cute. Somehow "pretty" and "cute" seem to be trigger words here! If she said, "Ooooh. Don't they make a cute couple." Then I would be irritated because I wouldn't want my child at that age to get those kinds of ideas.

 

:iagree:

 

I think with the details given, it's not a big deal.

 

But I still agree that in other situations, not saying this one was one, that parents DO behave inappropriately, and that they do encourage inappropriate behavior and feelings, even s@xual, in kids this young. When I commented about this issue, I wasn't stating it was with the OP's situation. I do think the situation discussed in the OP was trivial and needs to be overlooked, but I think the OP is having a harder time doing so because something about this woman irks her. Oh well, move along.

 

The "always fishing for compliments" resonates with me because like I said, I have a sister and a dd who do this, and it is most definitely not a positive trait. They go to unhealthy lengths to be told how lovely they are. It's not good.

[PeacefulChaos]

:iagree:

 

BUT I also agree that it annoys me when people encourage flirtatious relationships with young children.

 

My MIL commented during my DD's ballet recital (she is 5) that she was "learning to shake her hips for boys later." :blink: I got really agitated, but she just laughed it off and she constantly talks about how DD's "shape" will get her in trouble with the boys when she gets older. I think it's disgusting that she thinks about a 5 year old that way.

 

:svengo: blech...

 

I just wanted to clarify that if the boy said the girl was pretty, I don't find that to be a big deal. Just when parents push their kids to think of the opposite gender in a 'more-than-just-my-friend' manner (when they inevitably will get to that point anyway) it peeves me. :)

DS7 stopped dead in his tracks at 18 months old when one of our very pretty, 5'10" church teenagers walked up to us in the church parking lot. :lol: Trust me, little boys know beauty! (Same one also has a scar on his lip from where we were at the doctors office and he was running around, showing off for two college girls sitting in there. They were smiling and he was staring at them and running the opposite direction...yeah, he has a scar for us to remember that one by...) Now, of course, he'd be mortified if we mentioned it. So we don't. :D

Oh, and the girl fishing for compliments would drive me nuts. I hate it when people are like that. It would make me think she is a brat, honestly. Ugh.

[Denisemomof4]

OP, I want to also say that I understand the fact that this woman irking you, and your not understanding her, probably feed into this situation with your son.

I have learned to trust my gut with people I just feel "off" about. I would have just smiled, nodded and made some benign comment in passing, then I'd move along physically AND mentally.:001_smile:

[8circles]

OP, I want to also say that I understand the fact that this woman irking you, and your not understanding her, probably feed into this situation with your son.

I have learned to trust my gut with people I just feel "off" about. I would have just smiled, nodded and made some benign comment in passing, then I'd move along physically AND mentally.:001_smile:

 

:001_smile: Thank you.

[Denisemomof4]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

BIL's son was 8 and had a 'girlfriend'. She sent notes home with him every day. He carved their names in a tree. She called him over the summer. She called and asked BIL if my nephew could take her to the movies.

For real? I was like :001_huh: :glare:

 

You know what? I hate s@exualizing of young kids, and I have seen it too many times before. But reading what you wrote here reminds me of my mom and dad!!! They were in 3rd and 4th grade when they met, or maybe 4th and 5th. Something like that. I saw my dad's English book and he wrote "I Love XXX" in it, and it warmed my heart!!! XXX and XXX forever, etc. He dawdled it everywhere, and he adored her until the day he died.

 

They married right out of high school and stayed married until their final days.

[SquirrellyMama]

I think it is strange that people think eight year old are "s@xualized" by noticing or commenting on beauty. My boys could have told you which girls seemed most lovely at 8, and it wasn't s@xy or a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Even children recognize and respond to beauty.

 

I also think it is Strange that people are so critical of a girl fishing for a compliment. I don't have girls, but I assume every girl would like to hear she is pretty. We would love girls and women to cultivate deeper qualities and value character and intelligence, but come on ... every female also wants to be lovely. And she's eight. So if her attempts are a little misplaced, it seems like we would cut a little slack. Boys want to be strong and love testing their strength. Girls want to be beautiful, but the only way to test that is to hear from others.

 

The mom? Just a little wrapped up in the details of her daughter's day, I guess. It is hard to say why people irritate us. God knows I am irritable, and it doesn't seem at all wrong to me that you find this woman annoying because there are so many small things that can aggravate, and it usually sounds petty if we try to explain our irritation with other women.

 

:iagree: Thank you, I wanted to say the same thing but you said it much better.

[Pretty in Pink]

Then to your original question, yes. It is weird to think that another adult is even going in the direction of sexualizing her own child, or any child, by sharing that one said he or she thinks the other is pretty.

 

The other mom was probably trying to break the ice or start a simple conversation with you by sharing something she thought was sweet and complimentary and nothing more. Some people mention things they notice out loud in conversation. Kids hear us say things all the time like, "I like your hair," or "What a nice sweater,' and sometimes they might say to one another, "You look pretty today." I find it really disturbing that a conversation that could very well have gone like this, Girl: "Mom, so-and-so said he thinks I'm pretty," Mom: "That's nice, dear," and then Mom mentioned it to you when she saw you has been turned into trying to promote a relationship and sexualization of children. By reading sexual undertones into innocent comments, they get turned into something icky and weird.

 

I completely agree. Obviously you don't care for the other woman and that's fine. It seems to me like you are going out of your way to find fault with her. I get that this issue is a pet peeve of yours but I really think you're making a mountain out of a molehill, so to speak. The other mother most likely just wanted to start a conversation with you and this is how you react? :001_huh:

[8circles]

I completely agree. Obviously you don't care for the other woman and that's fine. It seems to me like you are going out of your way to find fault with her. I get that this issue is a pet peeve of yours but I really think you're making a mountain out of a molehill, so to speak. The other mother most likely just wanted to start a conversation with you and this is how you react? :001_huh:

 

Well, I think your characterization of me is unfair. I've said that I wasn't intending to be rude but I was not expecting that kind of conversation & didn't know what to say. I didn't say anything rude to her but did my best to comment appropriately. I think I kind-of giggled nervously & mumbled something like "oh, really?".

 

I came here to ask about this because I didn't want to discuss it with people who knew her, I think that would have been rude.

 

I'm not sure how else I've reacted badly except that my opinion on this topic isn't shared by all.

 

I don't actually think it matters, but since a few of you have mentioned it I'll clarify. Its true that I don't care for this woman. Many things about her rub me wrong. However, I see her about once a week where we spend about 45 minutes together with a few other moms with all of our smaller children as we wait for the class to end. I've talked with her a lot. There would be no need to attempt to start any conversation - conversation among all the moms is ongoing.

 

This isn't a JAWM thread. I understand that not everyone shares my view of the topic, that's OK. But I don't understand the repeated insinuations that I've been rude to her.

[itsheresomewhere]

Is it possible that pretty means something else to your son? My son will tell people they are pretty but to him it means kind, caring, etc not looks. That could be what he meant. Never say my child would never say/do that. It will bite you later on. Everyone one of us here has a different definition of pretty. Show us the same pic and we would all see it differently. Unless it is a man in a kilt to several on here:lol:.

[HeidiKC]

I get where you are coming from. I suspect the little girl made it up and the mom believed her and then attempted to be friendly with you and thought she was paying you a compliment. I am not big on encouraging ideas of flirting/dating in young children, but she probably thinks it is adorable. So it is just parenting differences. From her point of view I don't think it's weird.

 

If she ever says something along those lines again, I'd let her know in a friendly way (maybe say something funny about it, etc.) that you are not a fan of promoting boy-girl relationships at this age and that you'd rather your ds not hear any of this.

[Jeanne in MN]

The OP said it irritated her and asked if she was weird. I don't think there was a mountain until we all made it into one.

 

 

I completely agree. Obviously you don't care for the other woman and that's fine. It seems to me like you are going out of your way to find fault with her. I get that this issue is a pet peeve of yours but I really think you're making a mountain out of a molehill, so to speak. The other mother most likely just wanted to start a conversation with you and this is how you react? :001_huh:

[Jeanne in MN]

:)

Edited January 13, 2012 by Jeanne in MN

[Guest submarines]

The OP said it irritated her and asked if she was weird. I don't think there was a mountain until we all made it into one.

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

[Danestress]

and like I said, I find people irritating regularly for reasons that I don't understand or can't articulate without looking like a major jerk, lol. So I don't think it's weird that something rubbed you wrong even if it doesn't seem wrong on paper.

 

And you know, one thing that sometimes annoys me that might be part of what was going on here is when someone tries to "inform" me of things about my kids in a "I know something you don't know" kind of way. There is someone in my life who does that all the time. She actually likes my son and is nice to him, but regularly will tell me things he did or said that he didn't really do or say, or she has twisted them to suit her more entertaining version. It's no big deal - she means no major ill will. But it annoys me sometimes.

[gardenmom5]

Even if I believed that he said that, why would I think that was cute?

 

Am I weird?

the other mom sounds like one of those who chased boys when she was little, and is teaching her daughter how to chase boys. As the mother of sons, it behoves you to teach your son how to AVOID such mothers and daughters.

 

He's only eight. I have had 12 yo girls making crank phone calls looking for boys. . . those are girls to avoid like the plague.