What to do with a student who won't work?

[KristineinKS]

Okay, I've given this situation a lot of time and have tried everything under the sun. NOTHING is working, so I've decided it's time to ask the hive for help because I'm beyond desperate. How would you handle a 13 y.o. student who simply will NOT do his work? To give some background, he was in PS up until about 3 years ago; he has always been a good, highly motivated student. Something began to change last year & at the time, I assumed it was just a phase he was going through. However, he has not snapped out of it.

 

I've allowed him to pursue subjects of interest to him, I've tried making it more like "PS" (at his request), I've enrolled him in co-op classes, I've tried taking things away from him (sometimes literally everything except his bed and clothes), I've tried rewarding him for getting work done...all to no avail. At this point, he understands that he is failing the 7th grade and he does NOT care. We've had long talks about his future - he used to want to be a biophysicist, now he says he'll be fine working just about anywhere - even Taco Bell. In my heart I can't believe that he'd be okay with that, but he doesn't seem to think that what he's doing now will impact his future.

 

It's made homeschooling a total nightmare for me because every day is one big long battle. Gone are my nice little schedules and the fun extras that he & his sister used to have. She's so far ahead of him this year it's not even funny (and she's a grade beneath him!). I would LOVE to put him in public school except that I no longer feel I have that option. Over the summer we moved into an excellent school district. My 2 PS boys are struggling really really badly here - they were SO unprepared for the level and amount of work this school district has. Also, I really don't think that even PS would change his attitude. No, I know it wouldn't.

 

I truly don't know what else to do. He's not depressed or anything like that, he just has zero motivation. He will literally spend an entire day on one single assignment and not get anything done. It's just mind boggling.

 

Help please!

[kewb]

I didn't want to read and run but I truly have little help to offer. My 13 year old is the same way. Everything this year has been a struggle. I usually sit him down every couple of weeks and discuss with him how if he can't do his work I really will have no choice but to send him back to school. That in order for homeschooling to work he has to do his part and if he is not going to then I don't need to be giving him my time. This usually helps for a couple of days.

[hearts4homeschooling]

It might be something physical. I'd try a chiropractor who uses kinesiology. It might also be a nutritional deficiency.

 

Here is a thread on babies/children and chiropractic.

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=336097

[RoughCollie]

I expelled two of my kids from HS. DD and DS1 went to parochial school during 7th and 8th grades, respectively. From there, they landed in PS.

 

It is a pure miracle that they will graduate on time. This year, DD is in 11th grade and DS1 is in 12th. Their grades are high. DD did very well on the PSAT -- how, I don't know. She didn't take a review course or use the study guides I provided. I'm positive she didn't study for it.

 

DS1 didn't take the PSAT because, you know, he was planning to live in our basement for the rest of his life, and work at McDonald's (he likes the fries).

 

I tried everything. Long discussions about the future. Lectures. Therapy. Medication for DS1, that did not change anything. Paying for grades. Taking away privileges for 6 months at a time (they did not care). I even checked into military boarding schools - we could not afford the $35K and up tuition. I said if they did not graduate on time, they would have to move out.

 

I considered sending them to live with one of my siblings or my mother, because all of them were convinced they could do a better job than me. But my mother is too old, and my brother lost his business in the recession and has enough to worry about, and my sister was dealing with a dying dog for most of last year and 11 cats (pregnant stray).

 

The school guidance counselor was sure this happened because they were rebelling against me, or I was in some way handling them incorrectly. She offered to be the sole adult responsible for their education. She would, in effect, be the education parent. The kids agreed with the plan eagerly.

 

I laughed inside and allowed myself to be persuaded. Nothing she tried worked either. She was surprised. I was not. At least now I don't hear about what I'm doing wrong because she tried very hard and got nowhere.

 

Then DS1 said he would work if he could go to cyber school. I agreed with the provision that the first day he slacked off would mean the next day he would be back in his regular school. I figured if he wasn't going to do his schoolwork, at least I wouldn't have to watch.

 

The first day, and every other day that semester, he did no schoolwork. I expected the truant officer to show up at the door, but nothing happened. DH absolutely refused to let him return to the PS because DH had talked to the superintendent of schools to work everything out, and I guess DH thought he would look bad.

 

Nothing worked until they wanted it to. What changed? Nothing, that I can tell.

Edited January 11, 2012 by RoughCollie

[elegantlion]

My ds has been unmotivated before. We discussed jobs and that his was to receive an education and I would not hold his hand for the entire journey.

 

I notice your name and your location. Was your move long distance? Has he adjusted to that? I would think there would be some underlying issue for his motivation to evaporate.

 

Honestly, I think it would be fitting to have some daddy time. If PS is not the option, don't threaten it. Could he and dh get away for the weekend, bonding time, and man-to-man chat. Not doing schoolwork is disrespectful of you, because of the time you plan and put into. My dh would have no issue telling ds that he was not allowed to treat his mother in this manner. He would also try to point out that school was his job at this point. He would also discuss future interests and point out what kind of education he would need to make that happen. Having dh deal with some of this removes you as the bad guy.

 

I recently had to come down on ds and reminded him that if he didn't do the work assigned I would make his life ALL about school, and we're pretty lenient with free time. He shaped up.

 

:grouphug:

[Trilliums]

I had a son with very little motivation to do school work until he was 14.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he needed that undirected time to make it through puberty. Right around age 13 he had a lot of vague feelings he could not put into words very well, some mood swings, and long periods of quiet time. It was as if he were pondering the secret of life all the time. He spent a lot of time reading and listening to audio books on a WIDE range of topics. In 8th grade he emerged...10 inches taller...and ready to apply himself to academics, currently planning a career in physics. Sooo, there might be a good outcome even if you do very little academically. I tired to support him as a person, not as a student. But, I am not uncomfortable with the idea of unschooling my kids and we had been on an unschooling path for a year or so already by the time DS went into this funk. As it turns out, I think it was just what he needed. I see a lot of neighbors aroudn this age feeling so burnt out on school work. It dawns on them that they still have 5 years of this and that it will only be getting harder! DS is glad he had a break :) He is beyond grade level in science and math and working to get caught up in the LA area, very independently. I don't think it hurt him to just spend some time growing. :001_smile:

[elegantlion]

I had a son with very little motivation to do school work until he was 14.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he needed that undirected time to make it through puberty. Right around age 13 he had a lot of vague feelings he could not put into words very well, some mood swings, and long periods of quiet time. It was as if he were pondering the secret of life all the time. He spent a lot of time reading and listening to audio books on a WIDE range of topics. In 8th grade he emerged...10 inches taller...and ready to apply himself to academics, currently planning a career in physics.

 

10 inches!! :svengo: Oh my.

 

Your post reminded me of something else. Last year, 7th, we had a horrendous personal year. Lots of chaos, a long distance move, issues, issues that gave us all depression, insomnia, and we pulled our hair out most of the year. We seriously got about 1/2 a good year of school in, despite my best efforts to run the schedule.

 

We did almost no school over the summer. I expected the start of this year to be horrible, but it wasn't. Ds improved in every area. The free time he had in 7th held value in ways that didn't show up until we started school this year.

[CalicoKat]

Okay, I've given this situation a lot of time and have tried everything under the sun. NOTHING is working, so I've decided it's time to ask the hive for help because I'm beyond desperate. How would you handle a 13 y.o. student who simply will NOT do his work? To give some background, he was in PS up until about 3 years ago; he has always been a good, highly motivated student. Something began to change last year & at the time, I assumed it was just a phase he was going through. However, he has not snapped out of it.

 

I've allowed him to pursue subjects of interest to him, I've tried making it more like "PS" (at his request), I've enrolled him in co-op classes, I've tried taking things away from him (sometimes literally everything except his bed and clothes), I've tried rewarding him for getting work done...all to no avail. At this point, he understands that he is failing the 7th grade and he does NOT care. We've had long talks about his future - he used to want to be a biophysicist, now he says he'll be fine working just about anywhere - even Taco Bell. In my heart I can't believe that he'd be okay with that, but he doesn't seem to think that what he's doing now will impact his future.

 

It's made homeschooling a total nightmare for me because every day is one big long battle. Gone are my nice little schedules and the fun extras that he & his sister used to have. She's so far ahead of him this year it's not even funny (and she's a grade beneath him!). I would LOVE to put him in public school except that I no longer feel I have that option. Over the summer we moved into an excellent school district. My 2 PS boys are struggling really really badly here - they were SO unprepared for the level and amount of work this school district has. Also, I really don't think that even PS would change his attitude. No, I know it wouldn't.

 

I truly don't know what else to do. He's not depressed or anything like that, he just has zero motivation. He will literally spend an entire day on one single assignment and not get anything done. It's just mind boggling.

 

Help please!

 

My 11 yo is like this. We just had a big blow out yesterday. She wants to do only what she wants to do. I have tied all her consequences into her "wants to do."

 

Mid week there's an extra curricular she loves. If she doesn't do all her work, with her best attitude, Monday thru Wednesday then she doesn't get to go to that activity. Friday evening there's an activity. Again, she won't go unless she's done her work and it's done to her best ability. I know when she's being half hearted about her work and not trying.

 

One week she makes all her activities and another she won't. Either way her attitude & effort result in her reward or consequence.

 

I get tired of all the follow up and consistency this requires of me. But consistency and follow through are my friends. If I relax she will "take a mile."

 

:grouphug::grouphug: What's his currency?

[KristineinKS]

Thanks to everyone who responded, I clearly have a lot to think over.

 

elegantlion ~ My move was from Kansas to Oregon, so yes, long-distance, but he seems to have adjusted (though he hates the OR weather). My DH is his step-father and unfortunately is working out of state at the moment, so I'm completely on my own with this. His bio father is an unmotivated bum, which leaves me with the fear that he'll grow into his father.

 

calicokat ~ His currency is his computer, or Japanese lessons. I've tried taking his computer away and that does nothing to motivate him. In fact, he's been without it for awhile again now & is still sitting in front of the grammar lesson (yesterday's) that I gave him this morning! He wants Japanese lessons but I refuse to pay that kind of money until I see him making more of an effort with his other school work. Also, Japanese is HARD to learn (eldest DS is taking it in high school) & I'm not sure he can handle it at the moment since it requires a lot of focus & discipline.

 

The threat of public school doesn't phase him in the least, even though he doesn't want to go. I've considered some type of nutritional deficiency and am exploring that now. I've also thought about unschooling, but I really only believe that works for a self-motivated student, and that he is not. He did so little work during the entire first half of the year, I really thought that would be enough of a "break" for him & he'd be ready to get back into it now, but no. Also, it doesn't really seem fair to his sister (whom I'm also homeschooling) that he does so little compared to her.

 

RoughCollie ~ I'm SO glad things have improved for your son, but goodness, how stressful! How long did it take for him to decide to change?

[Aggie]

This may seem trivial, but have you thought about enrolling him in Tae Kwon Do? Or a sport? Coaches seem to have such a way of motivating young men.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[BMW]

One of my sons just does not care. Period. So, he is in school and his dad has to deal with ALL (I really mean "all") the aspects of his failing... because I have not been listened to... and because dad rescues him... so, it's his and his dad's problem. That does not help you at all.

 

However, the younger son does care a bit. His currency is computer and game time. He loses that if his grades are bad. He currently thinks I am the meanest mom because I will not let him do ANYTHING except sit at the table or go to bed until he completes several parts of a large project each day until it's done... he procrastinates... he sometimes lies about assignments... so... when he will not work, he can choose to sit at the table and do nothing or go to bed or he can do the work. I am a mean mom. That's okay. Because we talked about it later and he did the work and he is capable and has a great future... I wont see that future wasted.

 

Now, if I could only get the older boy to cooperate... but... sigh...

[Jean in Newcastle]

If he does not do mental work, he would be doing physical work. My house and yard and car would be so well maintained! It would be practical education for a time.

[jhschool]

Hi

 

First of all: I don't think there is anything wrong

with your son. He sounds pretty normal.

 

I think Unschooling would work with your son IF

you made sure he had NO access to TV or videogames

or a cellphone to text with.

You can count all sorts of things as school.

e.g. educational shows, documentaries, Shakespeare, etc.

You can take him to the library and set him loose.

Tell him he can take 10 books out, anything he wants.

Even if it's stupid manga, let him. It's a start.

Also, I second a past poster's recommendation to

put him in a physical activity. Two hours a day

of hard workout will get the blood flowing to his

brain.

 

Also, I would DEFINITELY let him study Japanese!

It's marvelous that he is motivated for that.

Let me tell you--Japanese is NOT hard. It actually

is quite easy and makes a lot of sense. (Chinese is

hard, Vietnamese is hard, French is confusing because

a lot of the sounds are not there).

Buy him a cheap Berlitz method and a couple of

books (1000 first words type book and a Hiragana

book and a Katakana book). Also Japanese for busy

people.

And get the following movies (rent or borrow):

Totoro

Laputa: Castle in the Sky

Porco Rosso

Spirited Away

(in that order)

and have him watch them first in English, then in

Japanese with English subtitles, then in Japanese with

NO subtitles.

Please let him study Japanese! It's great he wants

to undertake this.

When he has self-taught a few books and watched

these movies, get him a private tutor.

He will start to improve his work ethic and this

will spill over into the rest of his schoolwork.

 

GOOD LUCK!

[dangermom]

If he does not do mental work, he would be doing physical work. My house and yard and car would be so well maintained! It would be practical education for a time.

 

That's what I was going to say--lots of physical work.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this; I really have no idea what you should do, but if he's not going to do grammar at least your woodpile should be huge.

[MtnTeaching]

I am an only child and whole adolescent male thing really boggled my mind when my son first hit it. My motivated little buddy who loved to learn everything became this quiet... slug.

 

He wasn't disrespectful, but he just didn't seem to be interested in anything but video games. He would take all day to do one assignment and it would make me absolutely nuts! (I finally figured out that he had been slipping his I-touch into the couch cushions to play with when I was working with his sister.:glare:)

 

For me, this started happening around the end of his 13th year and through his 14th. He turned 15 this past November and the change has been dramatic. He is calmer, more focused, smiles easier, eats everything in sight, and is 6'3".

 

Personally, I think the growing and all of the hormones coursing through his veins just overshadowed any other thought process. It seems as if he is coming out the other side of this a bit. Tonight, I had to give him Advil and put him to bed because he had a migraine. He worked on schoolwork ALL day long, only taking breaks when I forced him to. (I made him go outside and shoot baskets. Exercise is huge in helping his outlook and cooperation.)

 

Hopefully, you are dealing with hormones and growing issues that will level out with time. Fingers-crossed for you!!!:grouphug:

[Lily_Grace]

I'm the mean mommy. My 12yo is currently doing 6th grade for the third time. :sigh:

 

I love him dearly, but the lack of work drove me insane. We had to institute some radically different guidelines. I treat homeschooling like college now. He filled out an application/contract. He is on a payment plan to purchase his books for the year. And failure means no credit and repeat.

 

Third time around and he's a LOT more motivated to get through this time!

[elegantlion]

Japanese is a big motivator for my son. We're using Irasshai. I don't know what program/tutor you're using, but the videos and worksheets on the link are free. My ds trudges through Latin, but adores Japanese. He's surprised me with it, I didn't think he could handle learning hiragana, but because he's motivated he's done extra work. There are workbooks and texts available through Amazon, but you could get a lot just from the videos and worksheets.

 

You don't have to answer this here, but how do YOU connect with ds? What do you do together that is just him and you? Do you understand where his thinking is? How often do you have conversations that don't pertain to parenting or school?

 

We used Philosophy for Kids as conversation starters in the last few years. We bring up the question, discuss, and let ds steer the conversation. We veered off the philosophy into other non-related items. The first time we did this, I realized I learned more about how ds was thinking. That became more important than the philosophy question. I think of it as verbal sparring, I don't shoot down his ideas or opinions, but I volley them back to dig deeper.

 

I think that age is just hard. I remember relating some of that to ds. I remember crying in my bedroom on the night before I turned 12. I had a decent life, parents that loved me, but I just felt blah.

 

At that age you can't just play with anyone, you have interests and preferences. At 7 or 8 your parents could stick you with whomever and mostly get along for a few hours. You're not old enough to do much by yourself, you can't drive. You're starting to develop interests and find yourself as a person. You're developing real opinions. People may or may not take them seriously.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[RoughCollie]

T

RoughCollie ~ I'm SO glad things have improved for your son, but goodness, how stressful! How long did it take for him to decide to change?

 

From age 12 (last year of homeschool) until this school year. The only subjects he made A's in were guitar, German, and Spanish. He took no study halls in HS so he could take two languages each year. That is what saved him so he did have enough credits that after a full schedule this year, he will graduate.

[klmama]

A couple of suggestions for you:

 

1. Get him a copy of Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris. My teens have found it very encouraging, and I think it helped them raise the bar for themselves.

 

2. Help him find his passion - if that means he takes Japanese lessons, so be it. Once he finds that special activity that he loves, his confidence and competence may soar in other areas, too. My dc have really improved in the responsibility department since being allowed to pursue their passions.