Susan in TN Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 (edited) I think at this point I'd just let it go. Let her know that you love her and as far as you are concerned, your relationship is restored. She knows she lied and she knows you know. I'd leave it to God and her conscience. Edited January 9, 2012 by Susan in TN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 The conversation shouldn't have occurred where she could eavesdrop AT ALL. That's like leaving an open jar of peanut butter on the floor and then screaming at your dog for eating it. Sorry, the fault lies with the parents for all of it, IMHO. The 9 yo was being a 9yo and you can't punish the immaturity of their age out of them. After reading through the thread, I have to say I agree with justamouse. Especially if you know a child has a propensity to eavesdrop. I don't always agree with James Dobson, but many years ago I read an article about saying yes or no to our kids. He pointed out that parents tend to say no to things more often than they need to, because they are too tired/busy/whatever to be engaged with the child if the answer were yes. If your dd is very often hearing "that's none of your business" or "that's something you don't need to know" about trivial matters, perhaps that's why she resorts to dishonorable ways of acquiring information. Of course imam just guessing in your case, but two of my kids are information gatherers by nature and as they've grown we've had to learn how to satisfy that need for them, yet be discreet about things they really don't need to know about. It's not easy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puma Mom Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I expect a 9 yo to tell the truth.Agreed. Telling her friend was not a major offense and it's doesn't sound like the OP is making it out to be. The issue is lying about her actions. Whether she lied about something she was told not to do or lied about doing something she shouldn't have been forbidden to do or lied about whether she made her bed, the fact is that she lied. Personally, I would have a talk with her about the importance of telling the truth with examples of why we should be truthful with each other and that we felt that it was important enough that lies would be punished. I would tell her that she is not at all in trouble if she did tell her friend. However, since you're getting conflicting stories about what happened, you, dd, and the other mother and dd are going to sit down together and talk about it to find out how the stories got so 'mixed up.' That's what people should do when there is a 'she said--no, I didn't!' situation going on. My guess is that dd might prefer to fess up rather than face her friend and friend's mom. This way you're not accusing dd of lying; you're just wanting to clear up the confusion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Someone mentioned The Boy Who Cried Wolf. How about Pandora's Box? Or the portion of The Hiding Place where Corrie ten Boom's father explains how some information is not appropriate for her to know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyFL Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 How I handle this...My kids know lying is the one thing I just cannot stand. They get the lecture on trust in relationships, how it will affect their future mate and well as their relationship with parents, etc. I also explain that everyone makes mistakes and everyone sins. No one is expected to live a life of perfection that's why God sent Jesus to die for us. BUT... when a mistake is made, God desires that we confess that to him and to each other. AND when they were that age I was known to put a little soap in their mouth. No one had to go through that more than once. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xilka Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 AND when they were that age I was known to put a little soap in their mouth. No one had to go through that more than once. You put soap in their mouths? I'm having a hard time not saying what I really want to say on this, but I'm new here, so I'll bite my tongue. I hope someone else says something though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 You put soap in their mouths? I'm having a hard time not saying what I really want to say on this, but I'm new here, so I'll bite my tongue. I hope someone else says something though. LOL - so you get to say that you said "nothing" while implying that she's abusive. . . I have no problem with a little soap. It seems to have worked just fine and I don't see any therapy bills in their future from it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Wow. This thread shows way too much drama, and assumption for a little 9 year old who was given too much heavy information, and not enough coaching on how to process and respond to the information. She was given adult information that was big, and ambiguous. She was told to keep it a secret. She feared punishment or parental disappointment - at a time she likely feels insecure due to a possible move. Lectures? Soap? Consequences? This child needs a hug, and apology and some information on how to process a possible, pending move. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Perhaps you can use this as an example of why she shouldn't eavesdrop. THIS situation is the consequence. 1. She deliberately listened to a conversation to which she had no part. 2. She then was told not to divulge what she heard. 3. She did. 4. And then she lied. Adults have adult discussions. They do not involve children because it is the adults' responsibility to make certain decisions about when information should be told. She defied you by eavesdropping. The "secret" was too much for her handle on her own. She violated a confidence. I'd also focus on the fact that Dad does NOT want this public. It could have repercussions at his work. SHE told, and in essence, SHE has potentially put him in an uncomfortable situation, should this become known. I'd also tell her that I do not trust her. She's been told not to eavesdrop, yet continues to. That's a form of lying. She's now telling you she didn't do something that you know she did. Yes, I'd tell her I think she's lying. I think the eavesdropping/nosiness/minding others' business is certainly an issue. Overall, I'd be working on her lack of self-control and regard for her family. She needs to work hard at building up your trust in her. :( :grouphug: this. if not dealt with, it most likely will get worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I would not be comfortable (if I were the "other mother") getting in the middle of my child's friend's family drama and discipline matters. Agreed. Telling her friend was not a major offense and it's doesn't sound like the OP is making it out to be. The issue is lying about her actions. Whether she lied about something she was told not to do or lied about doing something she shouldn't have been forbidden to do or lied about whether she made her bed, the fact is that she lied. Personally, I would have a talk with her about the importance of telling the truth with examples of why we should be truthful with each other and that we felt that it was important enough that lies would be punished. I would tell her that she is not at all in trouble if she did tell her friend. However, since you're getting conflicting stories about what happened, you, dd, and the other mother and dd are going to sit down together and talk about it to find out how the stories got so 'mixed up.' That's what people should do when there is a 'she said--no, I didn't!' situation going on. My guess is that dd might prefer to fess up rather than face her friend and friend's mom. This way you're not accusing dd of lying; you're just wanting to clear up the confusion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laundrycrisis Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Lectures? Soap? Consequences? This child needs a hug, and apology and some information on how to process a possible, pending move. :iagree: And I think the soap is a horrible, cruel, emotionally damaging way to overreact. I make no apologies for my opinion on that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 Since I came out and said that I don't think that soap is such an abusive thing - let me say that: a. I don't think it fits the OPs situation where as I said somewhere up in the thread that the child was put in a bad situation and the eavesdropping should have been addressed at the time it happened - not retroactively. b. I personally have never used soap and don't see a situation where I would, but could possibly see some situations where a quick swish across the tongue and then allowing them to rinse would be no different from other punishments in severity. I had that punishment myself as a child once and while I didn't like it, it wasn't that bad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 Since I came out and said that I don't think that soap is such an abusive thing - let me say that: a. I don't think it fits the OPs situation where as I said somewhere up in the thread that the child was put in a bad situation and the eavesdropping should have been addressed at the time it happened - not retroactively. b. I personally have never used soap and don't see a situation where I would, but could possibly see some situations where a quick swish across the tongue and then allowing them to rinse would be no different from other punishments in severity. I had that punishment myself as a child once and while I didn't like it, it wasn't that bad. Jean, I am not a fan of soap (or hot sauce, or any kind of physical punishment). But that it not why I posted, you know? It's the whole heavy tone. It's the icky assumption that not "nipping this in the bud" will lead straight to juvie, problems, or a lifetime of lying. That, coupled with the *lack* of care, nurture, and understanding that the information was too overwhelming for her and instead of help with the possible move, she's getting punished. Oh, and the lack of understanding of the normalcy of the little girl's behavior in terms of development. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I appreciate those who took the time to answer. I think I have enough advice/thoughts on the matter. I sort of wish I hadn't asked, some of the responses were really hurtful. Some were helpful. Some made me think differently than I had thought before. We are all moms here trying our best. My relationship with my daughter is not perfect, it is painful to me that it is not what I had imagined, and not what I want it to be. We keep working at it. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: None of us are perfect, and it's easy for all of us to play Monday Morning Quarterback when we weren't actually there when it happened and it's not our child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 When your 9 year old flat out refuses to admit that she did something you KNOW she did, with tears and dramatics, saying 'so you think I lied!...what do you do? I am devastated that she would lie bold-faced to me, and refuse to let up.... ETA: we told her that we MIGHT be moving to a particular state, and asked that she keep it only to our family, and she promised to do so. Yesterday, her best friend's mom came to me and told me that her daughter told her that my daughter said we would be moving to that particular state. I am not so bothered that she told her friend....if she had admitted it when I confronted her, I would be ok with that. But she just denies it and says she just 'doesn't remember.' She is still crying in her bed... She is 9 and told her best friend. Developmentally this is normal. Perhaps if she feels safe to share her negative feelings including fears or insecurities she might own them and tell you how she feels rather than her friend. She senses what you are not saying, that you are hurt that she broke with your trust and that she shared her feelings with someone other than you. When this has happened in our home I always take responsiblity for my part in it and in so doing give permission to my daughter that she is human, flawed and totally loved warts and all with the intent to do better next time. It has not happened often. Actually I think it was maybe not well thought out to share something with a 9 year old that will affect their life as they know it and then place the burden of telling no one. Barring abuse and having to flee for safety this seems ill advised. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 Jean, I am not a fan of soap (or hot sauce, or any kind of physical punishment). But that it not why I posted, you know? It's the whole heavy tone. It's the icky assumption that not "nipping this in the bud" will lead straight to juvie, problems, or a lifetime of lying. That, coupled with the *lack* of care, nurture, and understanding that the information was too overwhelming for her and instead of help with the possible move, she's getting punished. Oh, and the lack of understanding of the normalcy of the little girl's behavior in terms of development. I agree with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 She is 9 and told her best friend. Developmentally this is normal. Perhaps if she feels safe to share her negative feelings including fears or insecurities she might own them and tell you how she feels rather than her friend. She senses what you are not saying, that you are hurt that she broke with your trust and that she shared her feelings with someone other than you. When this has happened in our home I always take responsiblity for my part in it and in so doing give permission to my daughter that she is human, flawed and totally loved warts and all with the intent to do better next time. It has not happened often. Actually I think it was maybe not well thought out to share something with a 9 year old that will affect their life as they know it and then place the burden of telling no one. Barring abuse and having to flee for safety this seems ill advised. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovetobehome Posted January 10, 2012 Author Share Posted January 10, 2012 Kindly asking, Can we end this? We dealt with it today, and I really do appreciate the input. I am going to edit my first post to let people know it has been resolved. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 Kindly asking, Can we end this? We dealt with it today, and I really do appreciate the input. I am going to edit my first post to let people know it has been resolved. Thanks! FYI, editing your OP by deleting the reason for the conversation is bad forum etiquette. Threads on popular forums are organic things, and they take on a life of their own. Now all the people who took time to contribute posts stand out of context. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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