s/o another thread - girlfriends as "family"

[myfunnybunch]

I actually didn't request that anyone handle photos in a particular way. I just asked that people wait to be asked before they presume they are welcome in a family photo.

 

:confused: You are asking people you don't know and who may not share your views to handle a family photo situation in a particular way by stepping out of a photo.

 

And this is a request for people to handle photos a certain way, from the original post:

So, when your young men & women are seriously dating someone, living with them or even engaged to them, please encourage them not to step into a family picture without being invited. Also, when it comes to your own family, don't be shy about asking people who aren't in the family to step aside for a minute if that is what you want to do. You can always take a second shot with the person in the frame.

 

Not only are you stating how others should handle family photos (I don't se eyou requesting non-family courteously step aside, unless invited; the OP says to encourages others to step aside), there are some pretty big presumptions there about who is and isn't family. Like I said in my previous post, when you start to tell people to encourage others to step out of family photos, of course you're going to stir up discussion about who qualifies as family. It might have come across completely different if the post had been framed as "This is what happened with my family; I wish we'd done things differently." Instead you made a list of who should be encouraged to step out of other families' photos.

 

*shrug* I don't care who you exclude, or who you would exclude if you could go back in time, or who you will exclude next time. But I do care very much about the young people who are dating, engaged to, in serious relationships with, or married to the people who are my blood relatives and I wouldn't dream of encouraging them to step out of a photo. I also wouldn't dream of posting and encouraging others to include them because that's up to each family to decide.

 

Cat

[TechWife]

:confused:You are asking people you don't know and who may not share your views to handle a family photo situation in a particular way by stepping out of a photo.

 

I think my biggest mistake was assuming that others have the same care and consideration for those around them that I do.

 

 

Not only are you stating how others should handle family photos (I don't se eyou requesting non-family courteously step aside, unless invited; the OP says to encourages others to step aside),

I don't encourage non-members to step aside, I encourage them not to step in in the first place.

there are some pretty big presumptions there about who is and isn't family.

Yes, there certainly are.

Like I said in my previous post, when you start to tell people to encourage others to step out of family photos, of course you're going to stir up discussion about who qualifies as family. It might have come across completely different if the post had been framed as "This is what happened with my family; I wish we'd done things differently." Instead you made a list of who should be encouraged to step out of other families' photos.

:svengo:

 

But I do care very much about the young people who are dating, engaged to, in serious relationships with, or married to the people who are my blood relatives and I wouldn't dream of encouraging them to step out of a photo. I also wouldn't dream of posting and encouraging others to include them because that's up to each family to decide.

My boundaries are clearly different than yours. I tend to think that all people should be sensitive to one another, including the girlfriend, significant others, and anyone in existence who may or may not be a part of any given family at any given point in time. This also includes being considerate of those who are already part of an established family - grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, etc.

 

If grandma doesn't want the live in boyfriend or girl friend in the family picture, then one of them has to go and in my opinion, the polite thing to do is for the live-in to go, whether he/she offers to or not. I also have no problem if Grandma steps out of the photo so that others can have their photo made with live in, as long as grandma is respected during this process. Shoot, if it makes you feel better, meet secretly in a back room for the photo w/out grandma, but don't make her feel badly for it.

 

I don't have a problem standing up for what I consider to be appropriate behavior.

[QueenCat]

.

I place an enormously high value on family peace and unity. ...on family being the people who are there for you and love you unconditionally... the people who have your back.

 

...and sometimes there are sacrifices we make to build that unity, to preserve that peace. To me, this seems like a really small one for the potential return.

 

:iagree:Well said.

[Lady Florida.]

I think my biggest mistake was assuming that others have the same care and consideration for those around them that I do.

 

 

 

Whether you intended it or not, the above statement comes across as an insult to anyone whose opinion on the matter is different from yours. The opposite opinion could also use that argument.

[LaxMom]

FWIW, the big group photo from my wedding - with my now deceased grandmother - has random prisoners in the back of the group. :lol: (we got married at the courthouse.

[Lady Florida.]

FWIW, the big group photo from my wedding - with my now deceased grandmother - has random prisoners in the back of the group. :lol: (we got married at the courthouse.

 

How rude of them! :lol:

[elegantlion]

Whether you intended it or not, the above statement comes across as an insult to anyone whose opinion on the matter is different from yours. The opposite opinion could also use that argument.

 

:iagree: It comes across saying that those that disagree are inconsiderate. :glare::001_huh: Really?

[Bluegoat]

Then you either did not read carefully or you read a lot into the situation. :chillpill:

 

When more than half are apparently not reading carefully, it might be that what has been written is unclear, or doesn't make sense.

[TechWife]

Whether you intended it or not, the above statement comes across as an insult to anyone whose opinion on the matter is different from yours. The opposite opinion could also use that argument.

 

:iagree: It comes across saying that those that disagree are inconsiderate. :glare::001_huh: Really?

 

 

That is certainly not what I meant. Poor choice of words on my part.

 

It is my observation that the majority of opinions on this post are concerned about offending the girlfriend, significant other, etc. w/out worrying about who else they might be offending by including that person. My position is that we should be considerate of all people involved (which is what I meant to say in the post you are quoting). When it is impossible to please everyone, someone has to make a decision.

 

Is it ok to offend grandma for the sake of not offending nephew? Is it ok to offend the children of a previous marriage for the sake of not offending the girlfriend? Where DO you draw the line?

 

On this note, I am going to bow out of the discussion.

[Nakia]

A couple of things...I really wish I could post so eloquently and to the point as Eliana. Thank you, Eliana, for your very first post, especially, that says so beautifully what I've been thinking.

 

Also, I think it's kinda ironic that the OP has now added to this conversation the fact that the reunion took place at this girlfriend's home. That adds a whole new layer, yes?

 

And lastly, I think the original post should have included a JAWM tag. :D

[Jennifer3141]

:iagree: We have some wonderful family photos from dh's family. Unfortunately all of his brothers and sisters have since divorced, so there'd be a lot of photoshopping necessary.

 

I see photos as a slice of life at the time. When I first met dh's extended family I noticed his grandmother had a studio portrait of dh and his previous girlfriend. Grandma stated in front of the entire family that it was time dh gave her an updated photo. Yup, I adore her.

 

I'm glad I was accepted as part of the family.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

ITA with this. At the time, she was an important part of your nephew's life so she was in the photos. Families change all the time. People die. They divorce. They remarry. They are born. :)

The pictures of her are what your family looked like at that particular moment in time. In 50 years when people look at the pic, they'll try like crazy to remember her name. She'll be a family mystery. :)

[Renee in NC]

Sooo...I guess our most recent family photo would be out.

 

My dad's ex-wife took one picture with my Dad and his current wife with my family and my brother's (her son's) family. Then, she took a picture of all of us that also included her daughter (who is not my Dad's biological daughter) and HER daughter (who my father considers his granddaughter.) BTW, my brother's sister isn't related to me biologically or legally, but she is still my sister.

 

We have the craziest family that ever existed. The last crazy scenario was when my Dad and current wife went to stay with my Mom and her current husband in FL. No kidding!

 

My dad's been married 4 times - do you know how many family pictures THAT has affected?:lol: My ex (my oldest's father) is also in family pictures. Nobody liked him either...but he is still there. We were never married. Two of my aunts have ex-husbands that are in family pictures.

 

Seriously, none of this matters. In the grand scheme of things, I really couldn't care less who is in my family pictures as long as the people I love are in them too.

[mommaduck]

Yes, I hold a strong view. Yes, I am teaching my son not to assume he should be in the family pictures of a family that is not his own. If/when he marries, his wife's family will be his own. I am intentionally teaching him a traditional, conservative view of family.

 

I think that you can see by the fact that SHE IS IN THE PICTURE, I have already determined how to behave. I also have family pictures from my side of the family that include live in boyfriends and long term boyfriends.

The difference is, they were invited to take part in the family photo (some at that point in time, some because they had always been included, but all because they were wanted).

Then I guess that I should not be in certain photos, because though I am a wife, I'm NOT wanted by certain people and they would love to have photos that don't have me in them. :glare:

 

BTW, I'm also raising my children with a very traditional view of marriage. However, I'm also raising them to understand that not everyone shares our culture, our faith, our philosophy, our views, etc...but that we still should treat them with respect.