planning your own baby shower

[Caterpiller]

I haven't read all the replys, but I did see on the first page people thought it was tacky to host your own party.

 

I personally don't think its tacky. I didn't get a baby shower at all with my last baby because I lived far away from family. (Hubby was military.) If I get pregnant again, I have dueling families. I would like to plan my own baby showers (yes I put an s) because I would want to have control over who is invited to each one to keep both sets of people happy. I would also like to be in control of the food because honestly, when your pregnant, you want to eat what you want to eat and not be rude. I would also want to play games and my family (at least one half) isn't the type that would take the initiative to play games. And no, I don't have any local friends, so it would be all family.

 

We just attended a 50th anniversary... and I told DH when it was all done that I want to plan my own anniversary party when we get there. And he thought it was a good idea. :p I feel like, especially with the anniversary, it is MY big party. I'd like it to be what I want it to be.

 

I don't think it's rude in the least. It is nice for your friends and families to be able to just COME to a party and not have to stress over making sure everything is exactly how you want it to be.

 

Edit to add: I agree with those saying not to expect gifts. That isn't why I'd throw my self a shower. I Just want to party. :p lol

Edited August 26, 2011 by Caterpiller

[Runningmom80]

I think it's extremely tacky.

[Runningmom80]

Very tacky.

 

Showers are completely optional. I refused to allow anyone to plan a shower for me - thankfully they listened. I never had a bridal shower or a baby shower (I have 6 kids; however, a lot of people bought gifts anyway and sent them after the babies were born, "voluntarily").

 

I didn't get away with it for my first DS, but when I got pg with my twins, everyone wanted me to have another shower. I couldn't bare the thought of people feeling obligated to buy me yet another gift, so I refused to show up if someone decided to try to throw one.

 

 

I ended up with a surprise brunch, and no gifts. It was perfect. :001_smile:

[angela in ohio]

You said this much better than I could have! When I choose to have a baby I choose to be responsible and provide for that baby. I do not now nor have I ever expected anyone to buy things for MY baby; if someone wanted to buy something or have a shower for me that was great but again not expected. I've come to detest showers thrown by anyone because of the sense I get that the mama-to-be is expecting others to buy what she should purchase herself, but that's just me. ;)

 

I agree. There should never be any expectation of any gift. I really think people have lost sight of what a baby shower is (ideally a suprise showering of gifts on the mom-to-be from excited friends and family, and thrown by a close friend or an aunt.) It IS optional. Everyone who would give a gift can still do that without a shower. Any gift you get should be accepted happily. There seems to be an increasing frenzy over the registry and the shower and making sure the parents get everything they need. Ick.

 

I wonder how long it will be until people don't even bother with the shower and just issue orders for what to buy them when they get pregnant. They canset up a paypal account for the baby's needs, and everyone can be told what amount they should give each to help split the cost of what the mom needs to buy. :lol:

[gardening momma]

Edit to add: I agree with those saying not to expect gifts. That isn't why I'd throw my self a shower. I Just want to party. :p lol

I'm fine with this--throwing yourself a party without gifts--but a "shower" is named that way because you shower the person with gifts. So I'm all for a baby blessing party or whatever you (univeral "you," not just you, Caterpiller :) )want to call it if you want a celebration party w/o gifts, but don't call it a shower.

[catz]

To me that screams "GIFT GRAB" rather than a celebration of the new little one kwim

 

:iagree: If I got an invitation like that, I would probably not attend. I really hate this recent tone with showers/parties that these gift grabs are mandatory and every one "deserves" one or three every time they get married or have a baby. If someone offers to throw you one, great. But sorry, that's a gift and an honor. Not a necessity, by any stretch.

 

You said this much better than I could have! When I choose to have a baby I choose to be responsible and provide for that baby. I do not now nor have I ever expected anyone to buy things for MY baby; if someone wanted to buy something or have a shower for me that was great but again not expected. I've come to detest showers thrown by anyone because of the sense I get that the mama-to-be is expecting others to buy what she should purchase herself, but that's just me. ;)!

 

I agree totally.

 

I never had a shower. Each of my kids still got 30-40 gifts because we have a wide circle of friends. We did register for baby #1 because grandparents insisted. I was high risk for #1, so I was only willing to have a shower AFTER a healthy baby was born. SIL didn't like that, so no shower. And after a very high risk and scary pregnancy, playing shower games was the last thing on my mind. ;-)

Edited August 26, 2011 by kck

[HSMom2One]

This is one very good example of how the teaching of good manners and etiquette to our children is SOOOOO lacking in our society! We need to counter this type of thing by training the youth within our own circles to behave politely and with consideration to others.

 

A few years ago I was approached by a relative about an upcoming shower for their expected baby, and it was presented to me in a way that it was MANDATORY that I attend. I was really taken back because of the way it was presented to me....so presumptuous and rude. My reaction was to not attend, so I sent my regrets and didn't go. I did pay a price for it though. Instead of going to the shower, I chose instead to deliver a gift in person when the baby was born. Everything turned out all right in the end, but I had to find a gracious way to deal with the whole thing because it was in such poor taste and I didn't want to encourage that kind of bad behavior.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[WishboneDawn]

The tackiest thing I ever experienced was when my step-niece asked us all to address our own thank-you-card envelopes at her 4th kid's baby shower. I smiled and did as she asked anyway. May still be rolling my eyes, but not in her presence.

 

Good for you. I read an advice column today where the advice giver reminded the asker that weddings are about the couple, not anyone else. Despite how tacky something is you just need to keep your mouth shut and smile. It's just one day after all. I think the same applies to other celebrations.

[WishboneDawn]

Ppl had their noses out of joint b/c it wasn't the day after he came home. So, a few showed, most didn't. *shrug*

 

Well duh! It's not like you needed time to rest or adjust to new circumstances or anything.:001_smile:

[Parker Martin]

No, but I did once sign on to host one that the mother then planned. She wanted it at a certain place with certain food, and she made the reservations. The hostesses were then to split it up and pay for it. (I responded that I was willing to pay X amount. Period.)

 

Heh. And with that, I'll bite my tongue (fingers?).

[WishboneDawn]

Technically that is true, but when family is horrified at the thought of skipping it (as mine was), there is pressure to have one. Honestly, I would have been just as happy to place online orders against my Discover card as to fill out a gift registry for my baby shower. I felt gross making a list of what other people should buy me. But family insisted on it, and it was better than making them guess at what I would like.

 

 

I have no say in the matter. My neighbours have made it clear that they expect a shower and I should call them when it happens. My friends have made it clear I have to call them when it happens and my MIL would never even consider the possibility of not having one. How else to show off the new grandchild? :D

 

Now that I think about it those neighbors and friends have phrased the question as, "When are you having your shower?" as if I am in charge of it. Maybe it's just not an expectation here that someone else hosts or plans it and maybe that's why the original scenario didn't strike me as all that bad. The idea that a shower should be a surprise as one poster mentioned was completely outside my realm of experience. Any one I've been too, the mom has had a heavy hand in planning and knew about it weeks or months in advance.

 

I'm also thinking that if I refused a shower or if no one was stepping forward to plan it and so I didn't have one there would be a lot of offended people. A shower isn't just for the baby, it's so the women-folk can all get a chance to cuddle it and coo at it.

 

So it might also be regional cultural differences at play?

[gardenmom5]

To me that screams "GIFT GRAB" rather than a celebration of the new little one kwim

:iagree:

 

 

Now that I think about it those neighbors and friends have phrased the question as, "When are you having your shower?" as if I am in charge of it.

generally, if someone is planning a shower for you - you know the date. (unless the host is a real dunce and risks you not being available.)

Edited August 26, 2011 by gardenmom5

[gardening momma]

I'm also thinking that if I refused a shower or if no one was stepping forward to plan it and so I didn't have one there would be a lot of offended people. A shower isn't just for the baby, it's so the women-folk can all get a chance to cuddle it and coo at it.

 

So it might also be regional cultural differences at play?

I've never been to a baby shower after the baby was born (not that they don't happen, and I have nothing against that). So no cuddling & cooing at babies at those showers! :001_smile:

[wapiti]

How did you do this?! I had to dodge a lady at church with my last baby for literally months because she wanted to throw a shower for me (we were new to the church, I had everything I needed and I hated thinking that women would attend because it was "expected"). Thankfully I managed to avoid the shower but this time with twins she will NOT let the shower thing go! How did you graciously decline a shower without offending anyone? :bigear:

 

We have always lived in places with no family members, and our close friends simply sent us gifts after the babies were born. This was true even for our twins. Just be adamant that you don't want one, if you don't. Give off an angry vibe if need be. Remind the harassing person that you already have all you need, and that you REALLY don't want any more stuff.

[Garga]

The tackiest thing I ever experienced was when my step-niece asked us all to address our own thank-you-card envelopes at her 4th kid's baby shower. I smiled and did as she asked anyway. May still be rolling my eyes, but not in her presence.

 

I've seen that done at a lot of parties around here. However, it's usually done at baby showers as a gift of time to the new mom. What I mean, is that we all know the new mom will be sleep deprived and recovering from having the baby, so we fill out our addresses for her to make it easier on her. It's a gift to her.

 

I think now that "gift registries" are the norm, there's no point pretending that the mom isn't the one asking for gifts. That said, it seems to me that "who's hosting it" is a technicality, especially if it's at your own house. I predict that this is one etiquette rule that will soon change.

 

I'm thinking so, too.

 

I can't read all the responses for now, but is it a possibility that she has no one to do it for her? For my bridal shower, I had to ask my friend to do it because no one volunteered. And even then, I had to do all the food and invitations myself. For my baby shower, I probably wouldn't have even had the one for Pigby, except a week before he was born, my aunt and cousin asked if I was having one and I said no, so they volunteered. For my second child, no one else volunteered either (and I was in a church and had lots of friends that were having showers for their second) and my aunt volunteered again but I declined. If my own friends don't want to give me one, then that's fine. It's not about the gifts for me and I don't want it to appear like it is. With my third, it was never even brought up. It's one of those things I cry about at night when I'm up with a baby and so sleep deprived it hurts or right now when I've just got back from a bad park day and am a hormonal mess and all.

 

So if you're going to raise your eyebrows at her throwing herself one, maybe you should try to show some kindness and offer to help her. And if you're so far away that you can't, maybe just show some kindness and give her the benefit of a doubt that maybe there is no one to do it for her. And if she really is being selfish and all about the gifts, maybe give her the benefit of the doubt and figure she needs love in her life.

 

It really hurts when friends let you down. I've done the same thing you have: cried at the memories of being let down when I really needed my friends.

 

 

Now that I think about it those neighbors and friends have phrased the question as, "When are you having your shower?" as if I am in charge of it.

 

I figured out when the shower they held for me at work was (they were being too sneaky.) But the shower that my friend threw for me was a TOTAL surprise. I was so shocked that I think I almost went into labor. And I was wearing the ugliest clothes in the world and my hair was in pig-tail braids. I looked ridiculous in all the pictures. But I was surprised! It was great!

 

 

Oh--and I really don't care who hosts the shower. If the mom-to-be wants to, whatever. I don't care. These threads always make me nervous. Stuff that I don't care about and wouldn't think twice over get a lot of other people all upset. I get worried that I'm doing things that are tacky and don't even know it. :confused:

Edited August 26, 2011 by Garga

[Impish]

Well duh! It's not like you needed time to rest or adjust to new circumstances or anything.:001_smile:

I know, right?

 

The person MOST offended (MIL, who is shocked by that?) wasn't even in province, and wouldn't be able to attend, but demanded I have all her sibs over the day after we came home.

[WishboneDawn]

Oh--and I really don't care who hosts the shower. If the mom-to-be wants to, whatever. I don't care. These threads always make me nervous. Stuff that I don't care about and wouldn't think twice over get a lot of other people all upset. I get worried that I'm doing things that are tacky and don't even know it. :confused:

 

:iagree:

 

People have different norms, expectations and traditions. We're in more of a social mix then ever so sometimes those things will come crashing up against each other (like me associated baby showers with coming after the baby and Gardening Momma associating them with coming before the baby) and maybe a common idea of etiquette is something we shouldn't expect anymore.

 

Or at least maybe it lies in simply extending grace to those who might be stepping on our sense of etiquette?

[catz]

I'm fine with this--throwing yourself a party without gifts--but a "shower" is named that way because you shower the person with gifts. So I'm all for a baby blessing party or whatever you (univeral "you," not just you, Caterpiller :) )want to call it if you want a celebration party w/o gifts, but don't call it a shower.

 

:iagree: If you want to have a greet the baby party or open house with friends, I think that's a great idea. Throwing a "shower" and including registry info with the invites would be not cool in my world. The thing is those you're really close to will likely bring a gift and/or ask for registry info anyway. I think the assumption of gifts is where the tacky part comes in.

[LidiyaDawn]

I don't care who throws the shower - mom, dad, friends, relatives, some weird chick from work… if you invite me, I will come with a cute present and be happy for ya! :D