Appropriate consequence for 4yo hitting?

[melissad2]

My 4yo ds has a real issue with hitting:smash:. Anytime he doesn't get what he wants or his 2yo brother does something he doesn't like he hits. I've done time out about a million times for the same thing and he just doesn't get it :blink:! I've tried explaining to him why we don't hit, bought books about not hitting etc etc....and nothing has stopped it! Any suggestions would be appreciated!

[Parrothead]

Little brother gets a very special treat each time he gets hit.

 

Or older brother gets to put a sticker on a special paper each day he doesn't hit little brother and when he gets so many he can have a very special treat.

[Chris in VA]

You could give him lots of words to describe his frustration and try to join him in his feelings, labeling them for him.

 

Along with teaching lots of ways to label, in a group setting as a preschool teacher, I'd take the hitting child and play sit and watch. Like time-out, but I sat beside the hitter and we watched children playing nicely so she or he could see others being successful in play.

[NanceXToo]

He is immediately removed from the situation and either gets a "time out" (perhaps on a step) or a "time in" being made to sit next to you on the couch but not playing, if you think he won't stay in a time out. Each time is accompanied by a firm "No hitting, that hurts!" and a comment about "Now you can't play for a few minutes."

[melissad2]

Little brother gets a very special treat each time he gets hit.

 

Or older brother gets to put a sticker on a special paper each day he doesn't hit little brother and when he gets so many he can have a very special treat.

You know he might actually respond to little brother getting a treat or a sticker or something! Great idea! I'm going to try this one!

[Lily_Grace]

Children who hurt another in my house are responsible for caring for the person they hurt, at least as far as the injured party will allow. Some options include

-checking on the wound

-getting ice/a wet washcloth

-offering cuddles/a story/a special toy to hold while they are being tended to by an adult.

 

That's the immediate after a short cool down period. Then comes the teaching: having the hurter go through another option to express himself or ask for what he wants.

 

One of our only reasons for time-out here is hitting. You hit, you sit. No timer, just a period for them (and me!) to cool off and deal with the situation better.

[Veritaserum]

Immediate removal from the situation. "When you are ready to be nice, you can come back." Once out, the child needs to apologize and hug/kiss/make better the owie. Then we role play what the frustration was that lead to the hitting. If little brother took his toy, I give the child words. "I'm mad that you took my toy. Please give it back." Little brother also needs to apologize for taking the toy in the first place. He needs these words, "May I please have a turn with that toy?"

 

Time out alone isn't enough. The role playing helps a lot.

[MelanieM]

We had this issue with my 4-5 yr old, and what worked for us was a points based reward system. Each day we awarded three points (at meal times) for a conflict-free period. If there was any hitting or bad language during the preceeding period, the child did not get the point. If there was hitting, there was also an immediate loss of a point. Points were then accumulated and 'cashed in' at a rate of 5/$1, typically saved up and spent on a desired toy or treat.

 

This worked really well for us because the reward was fairly immediate, but also had long-term benefit. It was also very clear what the expectations, benefits and consequences were, so it helped to take me out of the adversarial role so I wasn't fighting fire with fire (a big issue with my boy).

 

I would caution against setting up a system where one child is rewarded for another's negative behaviour. Around here, that would cause a lot of resentment, which is the exact opposite of what I want to foster between my kids. I also think that would cause my son to completely shift his focus from what he did wrong, and onto what the other kid was getting out of it. Again, not where I would want his attention... I want him clearly seeing the benefits/consequences *to him* for his behaviour, and I don't want him thinking that something good happening to someone else is something negative happening to him. Just my opinion based on my own son and our sibling dynamics.

 

Also, a big yes to role play and to helping to make it right with the injured party. Both helpful here as well.

[2squared]

At our house with our 4yo, I would first have the offender make sure the other child is OK or hurt. Then, I would explain (yet again) that big brothers protect and help little sibs. Then the offender would get to stay with me for a couple hours. I would let little offender know that since I can't trust him to protect and help, then little offender gets to stay with me where I can directly oversee his behavior. After his tomato staking is done, I would let him know that he's getting another chance at correct behavior.

 

Now, I also would make sure little sis is not egging on big bro. Little sis is at prime annoying sib stage. :glare: I would also make sure to spend time with the two of them having fun and working on training sib interactions.

 

I would not reward little sib for the older's behavior. That seems like it would drive a wedge between their relationship rather than bringing them together.

 

Now, if they were fighting over something, then big bro looses opportunity to it since he hit. Little sib will get it, but only if little sib was innocent in the altercation (which is rarely the case at our house).

[SKL]

When my kids were younger (around 3-ish) and were getting pestered at preschool, I taught them that when someone legitimately upsets them, they are NOT allowed to get physical, but they are to say, in a strong voice, "you are not allowed to ___." And if the person still persists in bothering them, they are to walk away and ignore the person. We role-played with dolls.

 

My kids are both 4, so while neither of them "hurts" the other, they get into little scrapes. It's mostly to get attention. They both instigate, and they both retaliate, at different times. So I consequence both of them. For hitting, for tattling, for generally not being nice to each other. If they are bugging each other in order to procrastinate or get attention, I shut them in their room together until they decide they are ready to follow rules. It works like a charm.

 

Also, even since they were under 2, if they were fighting over some"thing," the "thing" went into time-out for the rest of the day. They both needed to learn to share and take turns. This also worked very well.

 

If my child hurt a much younger child, I would spank her and make a big deal over it. I know this is not a popular response because people theorize that spanking breeds violence, but I don't agree with that theory. When my older first hit her sister, who was then significantly smaller, I spanked (and explained, bla bla bla) and she didn't hit anyone again for at least a year. Since I spanked extremely rarely, the intended message got through. She was not learning to hit at every frustration, as might happen if that was my style. And her little sister was not learning that hitting siblings was OK, either. (For those who have better IMMEDIATELY EFFECTIVE methods than spanking, insert those methods here.)

 

I think it's important to send the younger the clear message that he is not a punching bag for his older siblings. Putting the older sibling in time out 100 times AFTER he hits is not doing the younger any good.

 

I have observed a clear pattern over several decades, especially with sisters. If the older sister smacks the younger around during a "phase," the hitting habit gets hard-wired in the younger sister, and this lasts a lot longer and often becomes a significant behavior problem for the younger. I don't know whether this is as likely to happen with brothers, but it seems logical.

 

Just remember that however you approach teaching your eldest non-violence, it is going to effect the younger in ways you might not predict.

Edited August 22, 2011 by SKL

[MeaganS]

Spank him ;)

[Runningmom80]

Hitting is immediate time out here too. I don't like to use time outs, but violence is serious business.

 

My older DS has a big problem with this. Sometimes he sits in his room for a while. It's a work in progress.

[ChristusG]

DD4 went through this phase when she was an early 3 year old. She just kept hitting and wouldn't listen. Finally, I warned her that if she didn't stop hitting, she was going to have to wear something on her hands to make them softer so she wouldn't have "mean hands." Sure enough, she hit again. I pulled out the winter mittens and slipped them on her hands. She thought this was the most horrible thing EVER. Thankfully, she's the type of child who listens when I told her that she wasn't allowed to take them off. She couldn't pick things up or do anything with her mittened hands. It worked. Every so often, I'd remind her of the mittens if she hit.

[Parker Martin]

Or older brother gets to put a sticker on a special paper each day he doesn't hit little brother and when he gets so many he can have a very special treat.

 

We did this for a similar situation, and it worked.

 

I would not reward the younger brother for the older brother's bad behavior lest it teach the younger to provoke the older.

[SonshineLearner]

When I called up Love and Logic, time-out for violence was a longer time out.... (I think they said about 15-20 minutes)

[Heidi]

I recently just nipped hitting around here. My three girls ( note the ages in my sig) hit eachother constantly and it was getting out of control. My baby boy started picking up on it too, which was my final straw. Usual consequences were apologizing, hug, timeout. It got to be where they would hit and then immediately say sorry and give a hug, as if that made it ok to hit.

 

No longer! The new rule: only mommy hits. Its horrible I know. If they hit a sibling I spank their bum. It continued out of habit for about two weeks, then they no longer hit. The end :D

[Soror]

Offender here was always my 4yo girl as well- I think it is the age! I started taking her to her room, no discussion. Separation is always the best for her as she is a real people person. They have been told that certain behaviors are not allowed in our family- hitting and mean words for example and if you cannot follow the rules you are not allowed to be with the rest of the family. Curtailed it pretty quick here.

[melissad2]

These are some great suggestions! Lots to think about! :D

[2squared]

I wanted to add something - I see hitting as a symptom of a larger problem. My kids don't go around hitting just for fun. There is always a reason - tired, hungry, anger, frustration, etc. While I deal with the hitting, I always work toward the root cause of the hitting. Maybe they need a nap. Maybe they need to learn when to turn an issue over to mom rather than to let it excalate. Maybe they need a script so they have the words to tell a sib to stop doing something.

 

Also, I agree with being cognizant of sibling positioning and power. This is why I don't send my dc away to work things out on their own. At their ages, the strongest and/or most verbal child will always win, and I would rather the "winner" win because it was right, fair, and kind.