I need some help for the continued success of Operation Diva

[Jean in Newcastle]

The neighbor girl is my dd9's bff - or so they say. Then in the next breath, dd will tell me just how bossy and abusive she is. I've heard the verbal abuse myself (it stops when she knows I'm within earshot now). The neighbor girl is an only and depends a lot on my dd for entertainment this summer. Earlier in the summer I was doing the free - range thing (just in our neighborhood) and the girls were spending 4 to 5 hours together every day. That's when my dd was introduced to thong underwear and Lady Gaga. My sweet energetic girl was starting to change in personality and was becoming a mean girl.

 

For the last month, dh and I (but mostly I) have had "Operation Diva" in place. What this means is that I've been keeping dd busy every day with enough stuff in our house and out of the home that there is not that much time to play with the neighbor girl. Still, they end up seeing each other almost every day for at least a half hour. That amount of time, while not ideal, seems to be ok. It is a stealth operation because dd has this almost addictive desire to be with the other girl even though she's relieved when she can't be with her. So while I keep dd busy, I haven't told her flat out why I'm keeping her so busy or that she can't see the other girl.

 

Here's the problem. School starts in 3 weeks. I haven't done any planning other than actually buying the books for next year. One of those weeks is family camp where I'm teaching - and I'm not done planning the lessons for that either. How can I keep dd busy but still keep Operation Diva going? Once public school starts, the pressure will be off me with this girl because she'll be in school, but of course all my planning has to be done before school starts.

[Rosie_0801]

There are no relatives or friends desperate for a visitor?

 

Rosie

[Caterpiller]

Do you mean how can you get your stuff done and keep operation diva going?

 

Daddy Diva Date Night? That way they can go out and go to a movie so you can stay and plan.

 

If you need anything like visuals made for your camp, could she help you make them?

 

Have her start early on a christmas present for the grandparents... hook rugs take lots of time.

 

Take her to a park. When I was 9 i still loved parks. If you have a lap top you can suppervise and still plan.

 

 

Im not sure im on the right track. lol xD

[RegularMom]

I have no advice but I commiserate with you. I gave my 8yo dd a bit of free range in the neighborhood this summer and one night last week at dinner she asked us: "have you ever heard of the movie "Nightmare on Elm Street?"

 

I said to her, "Yes, I have. How did YOU hear about it?"

 

Turns out one of the girls in the neighborhood "told" her all about it. I put that in quotes because that same girl was wandering around all afternoon with an iPhone, and at one point she tried to get my 8yo to charge it for her. I saw my dd trying to put it on a charger and put a stop to it. I took the phone out to the girl and told her I wouldn't charge her electronics for her.

 

That night, my 8yo slept in my bed with us. I suspect that they were watching youTube clips of the movie and then the phone went dead.

 

Sigh.

 

We're starting our school year on Monday, which will keep my girls busy and away from the neighborhood children, I hope, until the ps starts back up again. I've got our weeks stacked with school work and visits with friends. Maybe that will do it.

 

I've been doing my planning chores in the evenings, after the girls are in bed. It's exhausting. But there you have it.

[8circles]

Well, I don't know that this would work for all children but it works best for me if I'm totally honest with my DS8. (Not that you're being dishonest but you aren't clueing her in on the operations IYKWIM) I would explain to him why I don't want him spending so much time with the other child & have a good talk about the real issues there. It would also be a good lesson in how we treat people with kindness even when we don't think it's a good idea to spend a lot of time with them. I've been really surprised at some of the thoughts & ideas he's had about this kind of stuff.

 

Of course, with a 9 yr-old girl this could be totally different. I think how you've handled it so far is really impressive. Good luck!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Do you mean how can you get your stuff done and keep operation diva going?

 

Daddy Diva Date Night? That way they can go out and go to a movie so you can stay and plan.

 

If you need anything like visuals made for your camp, could she help you make them?

 

Have her start early on a christmas present for the grandparents... hook rugs take lots of time.

 

Take her to a park. When I was 9 i still loved parks. If you have a lap top you can suppervise and still plan.

 

 

Im not sure im on the right track. lol xD

 

You are exactly on the right track. Thank you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, I don't know that this would work for all children but it works best for me if I'm totally honest with my DS8. (Not that you're being dishonest but you aren't clueing her in on the operations IYKWIM) I would explain to him why I don't want him spending so much time with the other child & have a good talk about the real issues there. It would also be a good lesson in how we treat people with kindness even when we don't think it's a good idea to spend a lot of time with them. I've been really surprised at some of the thoughts & ideas he's had about this kind of stuff.

 

Of course, with a 9 yr-old girl this could be totally different. I think how you've handled it so far is really impressive. Good luck!

 

I've sort of done this, in the sense that when she's made comments about her friend being a bad friend, I've talked a bit about how it's best to not spend a lot of time with people like that. But she still craves spending time with her. Dd is a very social girl so I'm trying to make sure she has social time with other kids (for ex. we go to play at the Y Adventure Zone every day) but she still pouts and cries when I say that she can't go out to play with the friend at times.

 

The other problem is that if I'm totally straight with dd, I know 100% that she will run next door at the first opportunity to tell the Diva what I said. It would cause major fireworks if she did that. This is a small enough place that we run into each other at the library, the Y, the grocery store etc. Plus, while I want to limit her exposure to this girl, the girl really isn't a "bad girl", so much as a spoiled girl who is a bad influence without even knowing it.

[Impish]

When I read the title, I wondered what my kid had to do with anything :lol:

 

Maybe you need to be a bit blunt with this kid? If you think she really is clueless about her behaviour, maybe telling her flat out that something is rude, inappropriate, bullying, and sending her home would help, rather than trying to accomplish this covertly.

[Jean in Newcastle]

When I read the title, I wondered what my kid had to do with anything :lol:

 

Maybe you need to be a bit blunt with this kid? If you think she really is clueless about her behaviour, maybe telling her flat out that something is rude, inappropriate, bullying, and sending her home would help, rather than trying to accomplish this covertly.

 

Oh I do. The fact that she waits until I'm out of earshot tells me that she knows that her behavior is wrong.

 

(And no, I'm not accusing your Diva from being a . . . diva! At least in this sense.)

[Impish]

Plus, while I want to limit her exposure to this girl, the girl really isn't a "bad girl", so much as a spoiled girl who is a bad influence without even knowing it.

That's what I was referring to.

 

Sounds like this kid knows she's a bad influence. Just doesn't care.

 

I flat out banned a kid like this. Diva (my Diva :lol:) was angry with me. Then, when the kid was drunk mid afternoon and bragging about 'servicing' two boys, she thanked me for it, and said she finally got it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

That's what I was referring to.

 

Sounds like this kid knows she's a bad influence. Just doesn't care.

 

I flat out banned a kid like this. Diva (my Diva :lol:) was angry with me. Then, when the kid was drunk mid afternoon and bragging about 'servicing' two boys, she thanked me for it, and said she finally got it.

 

I think that she knows that she's being mean and bossy. The influence stuff though is more a matter of different family values. I mean - there really isn't anything evil with thong underwear but it's not part of my basic package of what I want my child wearing. And different families have different rules on what media etc. their kids are exposed to. The problem is that it is being introduced by a younger child who is pushy. My dd does try to stand up to her but this other girl will yell "I won't ever play with you again!" and then dd is in tears. . . It wouldn't be a problem if I could be outside with the girls the entire time but I can't. I do have to cook dinner at some point etc.

[Tammyla]

Based on how this, I would keep them always within earshot, even if that meant purchasing a used baby monitor.

 

Also consider your home rules and family privacy (your discussions), it may be time for some changes.

 

(We had a very similar neighbor, so I do sympathize; I was very, very happy the day they moved. Keep in mind that the behaviors escalate as the girls grow older.)

 

Oh I do. The fact that she waits until I'm out of earshot tells me that she knows that her behavior is wrong.

 

(And no, I'm not accusing your Diva from being a . . . diva! At least in this sense.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, I don't know that this would work for all children but it works best for me if I'm totally honest with my DS8. (Not that you're being dishonest but you aren't clueing her in on the operations IYKWIM) I would explain to him why I don't want him spending so much time with the other child & have a good talk about the real issues there. It would also be a good lesson in how we treat people with kindness even when we don't think it's a good idea to spend a lot of time with them. I've been really surprised at some of the thoughts & ideas he's had about this kind of stuff.

 

Of course, with a 9 yr-old girl this could be totally different. I think how you've handled it so far is really impressive. Good luck!

 

OK - it was total honesty time tonight. The two girls have been trying to manipulate me into having a "late over" (that's what they call a sleep over where you stay up late but then go home to your own bed). I deflected them a couple of times but tonight dd flat out accused me of trying to keep her away from the Neighbor Diva. I told her that was true. (If some other friends wanted to do a similar night I would say yes.) She's crying herself to sleep. Sometimes I hate having to say no even though it is the best thing for her. Sigh.

[Rebecca VA]

Has your daughter ever seen the movie "Crissa Stands Strong" (an American Girl movie)? It's about mean girl behavior and bullying. My daughter saw it when it first came out a couple of years ago, and it taught her to recognize and deal with mean girls. (We have one in our neighborhood who wants to be close friends with my daughter one week and then ignore her at other times.)

 

We've had great conversations through the years about mean girl behavior. "Crissa" shows it in action from beginning to end. It's perfect for a nine-year-old.

[Sahamamama]

Once public school starts, the pressure will be off me with this girl because she'll be in school, but of course all my planning has to be done before school starts.

 

Why? You could start later in September.

[Rebecca VA]

You could also bore the other girl away. When she comes over, tell her your daughter needs to make a hooked rug, and ask if she would like to help. Offer to read "The Wind in the Willows" to both of them. Put in a documentary for them to watch. You might find the other girl suddenly remembers other things she needs to do back home.

 

Of course, if she does stay, you'll want to be sweet and kind to her. She might really need something to do and a way to direct her energy.

[8circles]

OK - it was total honesty time tonight. The two girls have been trying to manipulate me into having a "late over" (that's what they call a sleep over where you stay up late but then go home to your own bed). I deflected them a couple of times but tonight dd flat out accused me of trying to keep her away from the Neighbor Diva. I told her that was true. (If some other friends wanted to do a similar night I would say yes.) She's crying herself to sleep. Sometimes I hate having to say no even though it is the best thing for her. Sigh.

 

Ouch, that's hard. :grouphug: I think you did the right thing.

 

How much have you talked to the diva about her behavior? Sometimes I've had to be very firm & pointed to other kids & let them know, in front of my own child, that they're not fooling me. Of course, this only really works if you will be able to really supervise closely & pay attention so that you can swoop-in immediately when necessary.

 

PS will start soon - hang in there. :grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

Have her start early on a christmas present for the grandparents... hook rugs take lots of time.

 

xD

 

I haven't read all the responses, but THIS is what I was going to suggest. We are knitting little scarves, decorating clear Christmas ornaments (yes, they are already out in the craft stores), making bookmarks, etc. Oh, and a huge bucket of beads and everyone is busy stringing bracelets and necklaces for their friends.

 

You can do it, Jean!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Has your daughter ever seen the movie "Crissa Stands Strong" (an American Girl movie)? It's about mean girl behavior and bullying. My daughter saw it when it first came out a couple of years ago, and it taught her to recognize and deal with mean girls. (We have one in our neighborhood who wants to be close friends with my daughter one week and then ignore her at other times.)

 

We've had great conversations through the years about mean girl behavior. "Crissa" shows it in action from beginning to end. It's perfect for a nine-year-old.

 

We watched that! Here's the thing: last night as dd was crying, she was saying that she had no real friends. So I started to list different kids (and adults) that she knows who I would consider friends. What came through was that she wants the Hollywood or book version of a "best friend". Just having people she likes to play with isn't enough for her.

 

Then as I continued to mention new opportunities to make friends (like at the Y) she mentioned that a lot of the girls there are "mean girls just like Neighbor Diva". So then I'm thinking "So you want the mean girl you know, rather than the mean girl you don't?" It makes me sad that she wants a bff so badly that she will take it even if it is someone that she thinks is mean. (I've gone through DV and I hope it never becomes wanting a boyfriend or a husband so badly that she will take one even if he is abusive.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Why? You could start later in September.

 

My health often gets in the way even when we start on time. For example, this summer we finally started summer vacation one week ago.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You could also bore the other girl away. When she comes over, tell her your daughter needs to make a hooked rug, and ask if she would like to help. Offer to read "The Wind in the Willows" to both of them. Put in a documentary for them to watch. You might find the other girl suddenly remembers other things she needs to do back home.

 

Of course, if she does stay, you'll want to be sweet and kind to her. She might really need something to do and a way to direct her energy.

 

I need to think about this. I've tried to do this a bit. And the other girl, even when she's not being mean, gives me a migraine. She is so loud and bouncy that I can't take it! I tried to bake cookies with them - with dd we would have a nice quiet time as we chatted and baked them. With Neighbor Diva I was diving for the oven to keep her from burning herself, was covered in flour and vowed never to do anything like that again! Hooked rugs might be better but then I'm not sure I want a hook in my eye. . . ;)

[Jennifer3141]

I wish we could gather the 7-11 year old girls here every darn day for their socializing.

 

My 7 year old loves to spend the day with her babysitter who takes her to play with the babysitter's cousins. They are mostly nice kids but there are a couple of things I don't like about DD when she comes home - she'll want a CELLPHONE, new "pantsies," and some crap loaded onto Netflix about teenage girls.

 

And makeup. And then she'll want to talk about shaving. At SEVEN.

 

And she'll push the boundaries on snotty talk a bit with me.

 

I only have to deal with this once a week, Jean. If it was daily, I think I'd ponder moving. :grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

I would invite her over and stay in the room sometimes.

I'd have activities for them to do.

 

My goal would be to have this girl realize that there is more to life than trying to grow up in an immature way faster than everyone else. I have noticed that kids like this really don't know what else to do, just like adults who only shop and watch sports. It's not that shopping or watching sports are bad. It's that there are also making things, being out in wild nature, exercising, and all kind of alternatives that are a lot more nourishing.

 

When we have young children who misbehave, we have better success when we teach them what to do instead rather than just what not to do. That works with older children as well.