s/o weight change since marriage - "obligation" to maintain appearance

[amy g.]

I would be so interested in checking backing back in on this thread in 40 years and seeing who still has a happy intact marriage.

[leeannpal]

How do you figure? She wants her spouse to care enough to try, how's that shallow?

For me, I married for better or worse. Are there things that I wish were different about my husband? yes I've already posted about that. So what do I do now? Kick him out, nag him to death, or leave it in God's hands and accept him the way he is? And, here, I'm not talking about physical appearance. By saying, "the way he is," I mean unwilling or unable to lose the weight and become more healthy. If I made it personal-he is overweight because he doesn't care enough about me-our marriage would be well on its way to ending.

[gardenmom5]

She feels like that appearance is what the person married, !

 

 

:lol::lol::lol: I certainly didn't marry my husband's appearance. I married him for his substance. the longer we've been married (29 years), the deeper and more substantial the relationship is.

 

taking care of our physical wellbeing isn't about appearance, but health.

[leeannpal]

:lol::lol::lol: I certainly didn't marry my husband's appearance. I married him for his substance. the longer we've been married (29 years), the deeper and more substantial the relationship is.

 

taking care of our physical wellbeing isn't about appearance, but health.

But what if your huband decided to stop taking care of his appearance?

[eternalknot]

I don't equate an obligation to maintain appearance to mean one must look exactly as s/he did on the wedding day; to me it's more about the status quo. The tiny, day-to-day details will change as the years go, but the overall attention one gives to his or her appearance (and for some, I suppose this includes hygiene) should maintain.

 

Life happens, priorities change. I can't be spending hours in the bathroom slaving over smooth skin and shiny hair, with all kinds of magical drugstore potions the way I did ten years ago. Nor do I particularly care to at this stage in the game. But I can still pay reasonable attention to my appearance and work with what I've got -- and that might mean pregnancy weight, or adult acne, or thinning gray hair -- rather than giving up to it and walking around like a person who has completely given up. Depression issues aside, because I think those are very real - especially for women of child-bearing age and stage. True depression differs from laziness and complacency, though, even if many people DO consider them one and the same.

 

For me it's an obligation more tied to attitude than it is literal appearance.

 

I live in an affluent area similar to Crimson Mom's circle of friends where the obligation is to maintain one's literal appearance. Trophy wives galore out here, showing up to baseball practices in high heels and dressed for lunch with the ladies, full on hair dos, and keeping Mary Kay in business LOL. But hey, you know what? I don't begrudge them. They signed up for it and if it works for both parties involved .... that's their business. Keeping up one's appearance might be what they bring to the table to be able to live a certain lifestyle. People marry for all different sorts of reasons, none any better or worse than someone else's IMO.

[Scarlett]

Because if I was repulsed I wouldn't have been married? I'm not sure how you are making that connection because from my viewpoint that doesn't make sense.

 

Love came first. Love isn't love if it stops when physical appearance isn't desirable. Beauty or handsomeness come from inside out. If you love the person on the inside you will appreciate the exterior even if it is undesirable.

 

Yes, because if you had been repulsed when you met him in person you would not be married.

 

We will have to agree to disagree on the bolded part above.

[lionfamily1999]

For me, I married for better or worse. Are there things that I wish were different about my husband? yes I've already posted about that. So what do I do now? Kick him out, nag him to death, or leave it in God's hands and accept him the way he is? And, here, I'm not talking about physical appearance. By saying, "the way he is," I mean unwilling or unable to lose the weight and become more healthy. If I made it personal-he is overweight because he doesn't care enough about me-our marriage would be well on its way to ending.

I get what you're saying. I think for worse covers this and the idea of someone not caring leads me to think more of a great depression than a lack of love (in which case they need your support MORE not less). Like I posted, I don't feel that way, but I get how it could be an issue.

 

 

So we shouldn't have any standards?

Dh is my standard.

 

:lol:

 

C'mon, the door was left wide open.

[Scarlett]

Before marriage, yes. But after you've said "I do", no. I believe in the biblical idea of man and woman being joined together by God in marriage.

 

:confused:

 

How does being joined together by God preclude us from having standards?

[lionfamily1999]

But what if your huband decided to stop taking care of his appearance?

I would be very worried about how he was feeling. If my dh turned to a life of cheetos and no baths (or gained a couple hundred pounds), I would be very concerned about WHY he was doing that.

 

I can see why such an emphasis on looks could be very disconcerting. When appearances change (and they will), it can be a big indicator that there is something much more wrong than a spouse's diet.

[Ginevra]

I would change this up a bit to read: "Love that is dependent on physical appearance isn't true love." However, physical attraction/chemistry certainly involves that which is visible and touchable--it often involves hearing, taste and smell as well. It seems silly to me to think that what a person looks like, feels like, sounds like, smells like and even tastes like has no bearing on our attraction to them. Sure, you can have a platonic relationship with someone that involves none of those things, but a marital relationship includes a s@xual component, which is essentially physical chemistry, first and foremost.

 

:iagree: I would not have married someone because he fit all the logical requirement in a mate, but did not attract me. DH had met the rational requirements, but he also knocked me out with chemistry.

 

 

But what if your huband decided to stop taking care of his appearance?

 

It would suck, that's what! That is why I am glad we both agree that it's important to take care of ourselves within our abilities to do so. I don't want him to "let it go" now because he's already gotten me to sign on and he doesn't want me to. Normal aging elements aside, we expect each other to maintain our physical appearance.

[Scarlett]

For me, I married for better or worse. Are there things that I wish were different about my husband? yes I've already posted about that. So what do I do now? Kick him out, nag him to death, or leave it in God's hands and accept him the way he is? And, here, I'm not talking about physical appearance. By saying, "the way he is," I mean unwilling or unable to lose the weight and become more healthy. If I made it personal-he is overweight because he doesn't care enough about me-our marriage would be well on its way to ending.

 

But you are making our point. You DO care about this issue. I certainly don't think you should divorce him over it. Or nag him. Or kick him out. I wouldn't. (I reserve that for when my dh gains 200 pounds from eating only Cheetos and stops bathing). But you do care about it and you have the RIGHT to care about it. The fact that he WON'T make some reasonable changes that he knows you want must make you feel terrible.

[Mrs Mungo]

My mom had a friend whose dh looooooooved Reba McEntire. My mom never thought Reba was all that cute, so she asked my dad, "do you think Reba McEntire is extremely pretty?" My dad thought for a while and said, "well, I think she does the very best she can with what she's got."

 

I think that is our obligation, to do the best we can with what we've got. :)

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Well, I am a mess and my husband still adores me. I don't look anything like I did when he met me 16 years ago, because lupus can be a horrible ugly-fier. Still, somehow he sees the inner person when he looks at me. The twinkle in his eyes is entirely the same, and I love to see it every day.

 

It just so happens that I seem to be entering another health phase of my autoimmune life cycle right now, so I'm starting to lift weights, eat vegan, etc., as I've done in the past. DH is thrilled to see me pursuing health and he does everything he can to help, but he knows that even if I lose every pound the lupus will be back. I will need prednisone and broad-spectrum antibiotics, I will gain huge poundage practically overnight, I'll be slow and sad again, and my hair will fall out again. This has been my reality for many years. When remission comes, I plateau wherever I am until I've healed enough to work out and diet again.

 

I've never had so far to travel back as I do right now. I've never been this out of shape and overweight! I am so, so thankful that I have assurance of my husband's love and his acceptance, because it is hard to face reality while in the process of bodybuilding and dieting. You can't ignore the shape you are in while you are looking in a mirror to check your form! There is no hiding place for a person with dumbbells over her head, looking in the mirror.

 

But my husband really loves me. It isn't just pity, or duty, or commitment to vows taken long ago. When he looks at me I know the truth! When I'm in his arms I know the truth. Surprise, surprise, aging fat people can have amazing and wonderful intimacy with their spouses, the kind that most people only dream about. There is a love that transcends appearance. It is proven through years of patience, acceptance, trust, and loving the other better than self.

[lionfamily1999]

I am so, so thankful that I have assurance of my husband's love and his acceptance,

 

<snip>

 

But my husband really loves me. It isn't just pity, or duty, or commitment to vows taken long ago. When he looks at me I know the truth! When I'm in his arms I know the truth. Surprise, surprise, aging fat people can have amazing and wonderful intimacy with their spouses, the kind that most people only dream about. There is a love that transcends appearance. It is proven through years of patience, acceptance, trust, and loving the other better than self.

:iagree:

[leeannpal]

But you are making our point. You DO care about this issue. I certainly don't think you should divorce him over it. Or nag him. Or kick him out. I wouldn't. (I reserve that for when my dh gains 200 pounds from eating only Cheetos and stops bathing). But you do care about it and you have the RIGHT to care about it. The fact that he WON'T make some reasonable changes that he knows you want must make you feel terrible.

 

Read itagain. No, it doesn't make me feel terrible at all. I love him, not his weight, appearance or health. I don't have a right to make him feel bad or unloved because of his appearance.

[Scarlett]

Well, I am a mess and my husband still adores me. I don't look anything like I did when he met me 16 years ago, because lupus can be a horrible ugly-fier. Still, somehow he sees the inner person when he looks at me. The twinkle in his eyes is entirely the same, and I love to see it every day.

 

It just so happens that I seem to be entering another health phase of my autoimmune life cycle right now, so I'm starting to lift weights, eat vegan, etc., as I've done in the past. DH is thrilled to see me pursuing health and he does everything he can to help, but he knows that even if I lose every pound the lupus will be back. I will need prednisone and broad-spectrum antibiotics, I will gain huge poundage practically overnight, I'll be slow and sad again, and my hair will fall out again. This has been my reality for many years. When remission comes, I plateau wherever I am until I've healed enough to work out and diet again.

 

I've never had so far to travel back as I do right now. I've never been this out of shape and overweight! I am so, so thankful that I have assurance of my husband's love and his acceptance, because it is hard to face reality while in the process of bodybuilding and dieting. You can't ignore the shape you are in while you are looking in a mirror to check your form! There is no hiding place for a person with dumbbells over her head, looking in the mirror.

 

But my husband really loves me. It isn't just pity, or duty, or commitment to vows taken long ago. When he looks at me I know the truth! When I'm in his arms I know the truth. Surprise, surprise, aging fat people can have amazing and wonderful intimacy with their spouses, the kind that most people only dream about. There is a love that transcends appearance. It is proven through years of patience, acceptance, trust, and loving the other better than self.

 

:grouphug: I am sorry for your health issues. And I am glad you have your dh. My dh would be the same for me in your situation. My XH.....I remember the day I realized he would not love me when and if I got sick. However, THAT kind of situation is NOT what I am talking about. I am NOT talking about never changing, or not aging or not suffering from illness. I am talking about letting oneself go when it is within your control to maintain a reasonable appearance.

 

:grouphug:

[Caterpiller]

Those who say they would still "adore" thier husbands if they stopped bathing has never been around someone with zero reguard to their hygene. I have LIVED with people who do not bath or brush their and they smell of their own poop. It isn't even about how they look at that point. You can not stomach to be in the same ROOM as someone who smells like they died last week, let alone sleep in the same bed. It is extremly difficult to think kindly on someone who is putting you through that much discomfort and refuses to do anything about it. Its something you can get through, but not with out the other person admitting they have a problem mentally. A person who doesn't bathe is a person who has stopped loving themselves.

[Scarlett]

Read itagain. No, it doesn't make me feel terrible at all. I love him, not his weight, appearance or health. I don't have a right to make him feel bad or unloved because of his appearance.

 

OK, I did mis read because I thought you didn't like the fact that he had gained weight. If you are fine with it, then there is no problem.

 

However, your desire for him to lose weight should not make him feel bad or unloved.

[gardenmom5]

But what if your huband decided to stop taking care of his appearance?

 

My husband is 63, and I don't give alot of thought to his appearance. It's too irritating to think that he has less gray than me. that's just . . . wrong!:svengo: (his temples are finally going gray.) when he's out with ds6, he still has people telling him what a cute grandson he has. :lol: he thinks it's hilarious, and loves correcting them.

 

I didn't marry his "physical" appearance, but who he is. I cherish him more every year.

Edited August 11, 2011 by gardenmom5

[UnsinkableKristen]

Those who say they would still "adore" thier husbands if they stopped bathing has never been around someone with zero reguard to their hygene.

 

 

Now, how do you know this?

[Jennifer3141]

Barring health issues yes, DH's appearance is important to me. I like people who take care of themselves. And when I let my looks slide, I'm not taking care of me as well either.

 

DH and I both used to work out for about 3 hours every day. Well, I worked out for 2 and then spent an hour steaming. Those days are long gone but we both enjoy each other's bodies more when those bodies are physically attractive. We saw a biking couple in their very fit 60s today making googly eyes at each other over breakfast out this morning and DH laughed when I said, "Let's go get new bikes!"

 

But he saw it too and we both admired the heck out of it.

[8circles]

I've only read about 1/2 the thread & probably won't have time to finish it now. I'll come back & finish it later.

 

I will answer the original question as NO - I don't believe there is any *obligation to maintain your appearance for your spouse. I do think that one should do their best with their appearance just like anything else in life. I'm not sure how anyone can acurately determine this about anyone except themselves.

 

One thing that I've read that really disturbs me is the implication that someone who gains an excessive amount of weight by eating unhealthy foods by default must have a character issue.

[Wheres Toto]

Surprise, surprise, aging fat people can have amazing and wonderful intimacy with their spouses, the kind that most people only dream about. There is a love that transcends appearance. It is proven through years of patience, acceptance, trust, and loving the other better than self.

 

Love this.

 

Some random thoughts:

 

For those who feel steps should be taken to maintain a reasonable fascimile of original appearance - how far do you think this should go?

 

booK lift, maybe even a little enhancement when they start to sag?

eye lift, chin tuck?

tummy tuck, liposuction?

 

I've already seen dyeing hair and regular cuts. What about tanning? fake nails? (people taking care of little babies with claws make me cringe)

 

Is it about health or about appearance? Dyeing your hair or getting it cut regularly has nothing to do with health or hygiene. Gray hair can be clean. Getting hair dyed can actually be unhealthy for some people (you are putting chemicals on your head). Hair doesn't have to have the latest style to be neat. Weight loss can be done in very unhealthy ways, especially if there is pressure to do it fast.

 

Do you take things to the point where it may make you uncomfortable or even cause pain?

 

I'd be interested in a poll about how people feel about this by age.

Edited August 11, 2011 by dottieanna29

[Caterpiller]

Because to "adore" means to love everything about a person and to hold them in the highest esteem. You can not have high esteem for someone who doesn't care enough about THEMSELVES to take a bath at least every few days let alone EVER. 0_0

 

You may still love them and want to help them, but you could not honestly say you love everything about them which is what adoring is.

[UnsinkableKristen]

You can not have high esteem for someone who doesn't care enough about THEMSELVES to take a bath at least every few days let alone EVER. 0_0

 

 

 

We will just have to agree to disagree then.

[jennynd]

no, I didn't marry hubby for his appearance and I hope he didn't. I marry him for his intelligent, funny and care about me. And while i want him to los some weight for health, I don't think it is an obligation for either of us

[MBM]

What an individual finds attractive varies. Arnold Schwarzenegger had an affair with a woman many would consider less attractive than Maria. It's not always what's on the outside that attracts.

 

What I take issue with is the idea of looking a certain way for a spouse. I prefer looking good and staying healthy primarily for myself. I don't choose to style my hair a certain way or wear makeup or any particular kind of clothing for my husband, not even sexy underwear. That ain't happenin'. Afterall, I don't ask dh to wear a Borat mankini in the bedroom for my viewing pleasure. I also refuse to *cosmetically enhance* my anatomy for him and don't expect him to do that for me, either. ;)

 

 

[Joanne]

Appearance is too complicated to attach a marital expectation onto it that is valid. It can be realated to health issues, mental health issues, complicated circumstances that require understanding and compassion.

 

What IS important is the character of the spouses as life enfolds; how they handle changes in their own and their spouses appearance.

[Scarlett]

Love this.

 

Some random thoughts:

 

For those who feel steps should be taken to maintain a reasonable fascimile of original appearance - how far do you think this should go?

 

booK lift, maybe even a little enhancement when they start to sag?

eye lift, chin tuck?

tummy tuck, liposuction?

 

I've already seen dyeing hair and regular cuts. What about tanning? fake nails? (people taking care of little babies with claws make me cringe)

 

Is it about health or about appearance? Dyeing your hair or getting it cut regularly has nothing to do with health or hygiene. Gray hair can be clean. Getting hair dyed can actually be unhealthy for some people (you are putting chemicals on your head). Hair doesn't have to have the latest style to be neat. Weight loss can be done in very unhealthy ways, especially if there is pressure to do it fast.

 

Do you take things to the point where it may make you uncomfortable or even cause pain?

 

I'd be interested in a poll about how people feel about this by age.

 

I think it is about health AND appearance. And I do not think it needs to go to extremes. It is more about what your spouse and you want than some set in stone standard of beauty. Weight, cleanliness, neat, clean reasonably stylish clothing. It is not just weight but weight sure seems to be the trigger that sets people off on this thread. In the USA a high percentage of people are overweight. I wonder what percentage of those really CAN'T lose the weight.

[Scarlett]

We will just have to agree to disagree then.

 

:confused:

 

Why do you think a person would not bathe for days on end?

[Scarlett]

What I take issue with is the idea of looking a certain way for a spouse. I prefer looking good and staying healthy primarily for myself. I don't choose to style my hair a certain way or wear makeup or any particular kind of clothing for my husband, not even sexy underwear. That ain't happenin'. Afterall, I don't ask dh to wear a Borat mankini in the bedroom for my viewing pleasure.

 

This is a mindset I just don't get. WHY would you not want to please your dh if you can do within reason?

[leeannpal]

I think it is about health AND appearance. And I do not think it needs to go to extremes. It is more about what your spouse and you want than some set in stone standard of beauty. Weight, cleanliness, neat, clean reasonably stylish clothing. It is not just weight but weight sure seems to be the trigger that sets people off on this thread. In the USA a high percentage of people are overweight. I wonder what percentage of those really CAN'T lose the weight.

 

And I wonder why you put such high importance on it weight, health and appearance? One day, we will all die and our bodies will fade away-not so our souls.

[Ginevra]

Love this.

 

Some random thoughts:

 

For those who feel steps should be taken to maintain a reasonable fascimile of original appearance - how far do you think this should go?

 

booK lift, maybe even a little enhancement when they start to sag?

eye lift, chin tuck?

tummy tuck, liposuction?

 

I've already seen dyeing hair and regular cuts. What about tanning? fake nails? (people taking care of little babies with claws make me cringe)

 

Is it about health or about appearance? Dyeing your hair or getting it cut regularly has nothing to do with health or hygiene. Gray hair can be clean. Hair doesn't have to have the latest style to be neat. Weight loss can be done in very unhealthy ways, especially if there is pressure to do it fast.

 

Do you take things to the point where it may make you uncomfortable or even cause pain?

 

I'd be interested in a poll about how people feel about this by age.

 

To me, it would be to the extent necessary for me to feel good about the care I'm giving to my shell. I'm not against a b00k lift, if that's what a person wishes to do and they are able to do it. I don't have one and probably wouldn't, but I'm not against it.

 

Part is health, part is appearance. There's no health detriment in letting my greys go wild, but I don't want my greys gone wild at this time in my life, so I color. I don't really give a hoot about "latest style" with hair, but I want my hair to be a way that I enjoy.

 

To me, weight is a matter of maintenance most of the time, not "wake up and suddenly decide to lose 50 lbs." (Please note: I'm talking about normal weight gain, not illness-related.) I work out most days. I never feel like it, but I know that things go south quickly if I don't invest this effort.

 

Clothing: whether you're rich or poor, you can dress in clean clothing that is not the same thing you slept in. You can wear something that looks like you put some thought in or you to be schlumpy all the time. I think it doesn't project well to our spouses if we dress better to go to the mall than to greet dh when he gets home. He should have the pleasure of coming home and seeing me look clean and organized. He should have the pleasure of feeling proud when we go out.

 

I do think there are people who try too hard to look identical to how they looked 20 years ago and it mostly just looks alien to me, but it's better than someone who gave up 20 years ago.

 

I am 40 and I am aware that I do not look exactly like I looked when I was 20. But I wash my hair, I style it, I color it. I wear some makeup. I brush my teeth. I even had my teeth whitened a couple of years ago. I shave my legs and pits. I sometimes get a pedicure. I work out 4 or more times a week. I change clothes every morning. I iron things that are wrinkled. I maintain the carpet in the teA room. I choose healthy foods more often than not.

 

I plan to keep to this general concept for years and years to come.

[Caterpiller]

To me, it would be to the extent necessary for me to feel good about the care I'm giving to my shell. I'm not against a b00k lift, if that's what a person wishes to do and they are able to do it. I don't have one and probably wouldn't, but I'm not against it.

 

Part is health, part is appearance. There's no health detriment in letting my greys go wild, but I don't want my greys gone wild at this time in my life, so I color. I don't really give a hoot about "latest style" with hair, but I want my hair to be a way that I enjoy.

 

To me, weight is a matter of maintenance most of the time, not "wake up and suddenly decide to lose 50 lbs." (Please note: I'm talking about normal weight gain, not illness-related.) I work out most days. I never feel like it, but I know that things go south quickly if I don't invest this effort.

 

Clothing: whether you're rich or poor, you can dress in clean clothing that is not the same thing you slept in. You can wear something that looks like you put some thought in or you to be schlumpy all the time. I think it doesn't project well to our spouses if we dress better to go to the mall than to greet dh when he gets home. He should have the pleasure of coming home and seeing me look clean and organized. He should have the pleasure of feeling proud when we go out.

 

I do think there are people who try too hard to look identical to how they looked 20 years ago and it mostly just looks alien to me, but it's better than someone who gave up 20 years ago.

 

I am 40 and I am aware that I do not look exactly like I looked when I was 20. But I wash my hair, I style it, I color it. I wear some makeup. I brush my teeth. I even had my teeth whitened a couple of years ago. I shave my legs and pits. I sometimes get a pedicure. I work out 4 or more times a week. I change clothes every morning. I iron things that are wrinkled. I maintain the carpet in the teA room. I choose healthy foods more often than not.

 

I plan to keep to this general concept for years and years to come.

 

This is how I feel too. Pretty much to a T! :001_smile:

[leeannpal]

This is a mindset I just don't get. WHY would you not want to please your dh if you can do within reason?

 

Please him how? just sexually? emotionally? intellectually? We please each other by having nearly the same values and goals in life, by spending time together, by discussing issues that are important to us and by creating a loving family for our daughter.

[UnsinkableKristen]

:confused:

 

Why do you think a person would not bathe for days on end?

 

Because there is something wrong.

 

I am working under the assumption that we are talking about our own spouses. If YOUR spouse suddenly didn't bathe, I probably wouldn't adore him. But then, I don't adore him in the first place - he's not MY spouse. :001_smile:

 

If MY spouse were to suddenly stop bathing (or gradually stop) it would mean that there was something wrong. And it is entirely possible to still adore someone even when you know there is something WRONG with them. That doesn't mean that you don't try to help them, and it doesn't mean that you don't try to get them to help themselves.

 

But my love for DH does not change even if there is something wrong with him that won't ever get better. I am in this for keeps. And my basic feelings of love, esteem, and caring don't change with a diagnosis (or a lack of one). He is himself, even if something is wrong and making him act otherwise.

[Scarlett]

And I wonder why you put such high importance on it weight, health and appearance? One day, we will all die and our bodies will fade away-not so our souls.

 

I didn't say I put SO MUCH importance on it. I said I believe it is an important component of a marriage.

 

We are physical beings, created to enjoy the physical world around us.

[leeannpal]

To me, it would be to the extent necessary for me to feel good about the care I'm giving to my shell. I'm not against a b00k lift, if that's what a person wishes to do and they are able to do it. I don't have one and probably wouldn't, but I'm not against it.

 

Part is health, part is appearance. There's no health detriment in letting my greys go wild, but I don't want my greys gone wild at this time in my life, so I color. I don't really give a hoot about "latest style" with hair, but I want my hair to be a way that I enjoy.

 

To me, weight is a matter of maintenance most of the time, not "wake up and suddenly decide to lose 50 lbs." (Please note: I'm talking about normal weight gain, not illness-related.) I work out most days. I never feel like it, but I know that things go south quickly if I don't invest this effort.

 

Clothing: whether you're rich or poor, you can dress in clean clothing that is not the same thing you slept in. You can wear something that looks like you put some thought in or you to be schlumpy all the time. I think it doesn't project well to our spouses if we dress better to go to the mall than to greet dh when he gets home. He should have the pleasure of coming home and seeing me look clean and organized. He should have the pleasure of feeling proud when we go out.

 

I do think there are people who try too hard to look identical to how they looked 20 years ago and it mostly just looks alien to me, but it's better than someone who gave up 20 years ago.

 

I am 40 and I am aware that I do not look exactly like I looked when I was 20. But I wash my hair, I style it, I color it. I wear some makeup. I brush my teeth. I even had my teeth whitened a couple of years ago. I shave my legs and pits. I sometimes get a pedicure. I work out 4 or more times a week. I change clothes every morning. I iron things that are wrinkled. I maintain the carpet in the teA room. I choose healthy foods more often than not.

 

I plan to keep to this general concept for years and years to come.

 

It is great that you feel this way. What I object to is that sme posters on here are making it clear that everyone should feel this way.

[Scarlett]

Please him how? just sexually? emotionally? intellectually? We please each other by having nearly the same values and goals in life, by spending time together, by discussing issues that are important to us and by creating a loving family for our daughter.

 

Well, please him in ANYWAY that you can without compromising your own values of course. But you are the one who mentioned certain kinds of underware....

[Ginevra]

I didn't say I put SO MUCH importance on it. I said I believe it is an important component of a marriage.

 

We are physical beings, created to enjoy the physical world around us.

 

:iagree: Quill agrees with Scarlett again and again.

 

P.S. I wear sexy underwear. :D

[Scarlett]

Because there is something wrong.

 

I am working under the assumption that we are talking about our own spouses. If YOUR spouse suddenly didn't bathe, I probably wouldn't adore him. But then, I don't adore him in the first place - he's not MY spouse. :001_smile:.

 

That made me giggle.

 

If MY spouse were to suddenly stop bathing (or gradually stop) it would mean that there was something wrong. And it is entirely possible to still adore someone even when you know there is something WRONG with them. That doesn't mean that you don't try to help them, and it doesn't mean that you don't try to get them to help themselves.

 

But my love for DH does not change even if there is something wrong with him that won't ever get better. I am in this for keeps. And my basic feelings of love, esteem, and caring don't change with a diagnosis (or a lack of one). He is himself, even if something is wrong and making him act otherwise.

 

My love for my dh won't change either if there is something wrong with him even if he won't ever get better. And if he stopped bathing trust me there would be something wrong with him....but don't you see men and woman who just stop taking care of themselves COMPLETELY? You think there is something wrong with every. single. one of them?

[Scarlett]

:iagree: Quill agrees with Scarlett again and again.

 

P.S. I wear sexy underwear. :D

 

Me too. I even started wearing thongs because gasp! my dh told me he likes them!

[Scarlett]

It is great that you feel this way. What I object to is that sme posters on here are making it clear that everyone should feel this way.

 

Well, just to be clear THIS poster doesn't feel that EVERYONE should feel a certain way. The original question was 'do you feel it is your obligation to maintain a reasonable appearance for your mate?' I said yes. I also said I believe many people do not recognize the importance of doing so. Clearly YMMV.

[amy g.]

Yes, I do. I think they are tired, or depressed, or unsupported, but I don't believe healthy women stop taking care of themselves for no reason any more than I believe men just decide to quit making money.

[MBM]

This is a mindset I just don't get. WHY would you not want to please your dh if you can do within reason?

 

Because to me changing or maintaining one's appearance for another's sake isn't within reason. It's not something I will do. I do prefer a look that's rather mainstream and even a bit trendy -- but I do it for myself and not my husband. Dh seems pleased with me regardless.

 

ETA: I don't have to wear sexy underwear to be sexy! ;)

 

Edited August 11, 2011 by MBM
couldn't resist!

[8circles]

Yes, I do. I think they are tired, or depressed, or unsupported, but I don't believe healthy women stop taking care of themselves for no reason any more than I believe men just decide to quit making money.

:iagree:

[oneplustwoIdaho]

I attended a wedding once where the Priest said that it was the woman's obligation to keep herself looking as she did on her wedding day because it was part of why the husband chose her, and he should be able to expect her to stay slim and beautiful. I cannot recall now all of what he said, but I had never heard such garbage before in a ceremony! The guests were muffling giggles and rolling eyes. I was wondering what the bride was thinking, poor thing. No matter what your opinion is on the subject, it doesn't belong in a wedding ceremony!

[HRAAB]

She believes that wives (and husbands, too) have an "obligation" to try to maintain their appearance as best as they can after they marry. She feels like that appearance is what the person married, that they were counting on that appearance to basically continue, etc. and feels like we should all work to keep that appearance up.

 

 

I certainly hope my dh married more than my appearance at the age of 25. That really sounds shallow to me. Now I don't mean we should let ourselves go and not care how we look, but there is no way, no how this body is squeezing into the size 10 it use to wear; in return he has 5 beautiful dds. I try to look neat when we go out and I try not to be too sloppy at home, but I'm no longer in my 20's. I'm in my 50's. So I try to look appropriate for my age. Oh, and I hate make up. For special occasions I will put on make up, but absolutely not for everyday.

 

Generally, I think men age better than women, and between my dh and myself, this is true. Still, he's filled out a little ;), but it's okay with me. He's not sloppy either, but he doesn't put great importance on looks.

 

We're both much more concerned with health (which probably affects our appearance) and setting appropriate examples for our children. I don't think your friend is talking about vanity, but I hesitate to put too much importance on looks as an example for my girls. Neat, tidy, mannerly, polite is what I want to pass on.

[Ginevra]

Because to me changing or maintaining one's appearance for another's sake isn't within reason. It's not something I will do. I do prefer a look that's rather mainstream and even a bit trendy -- but I do it for myself and not my husband. Dh seems pleased with me regardless.

 

ETA: I don't have to wear sexy underwear to be sexy! ;)

 

 

Okay. :confused: I don't get it, though. I'm kind of big on values like doing something particularly to please my husband, because I perceive that as a loving thing to do. I mean, I could eat cereal for dinner every night, so why I am I making Grilled Chicken and Pineapple tonight? Because dh embodies, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." His love language is service and he would feel unloved if I said, "Hungry? There's a bowl and a box of Cheerios. Have at it."

 

And *I* don't have to wear *ANY* underwear to be sexy, so THERE! :lol:

[Abigail4476]

To me, it would be to the extent necessary for me to feel good about the care I'm giving to my shell. I'm not against a b00k lift, if that's what a person wishes to do and they are able to do it. I don't have one and probably wouldn't, but I'm not against it.

 

Part is health, part is appearance. There's no health detriment in letting my greys go wild, but I don't want my greys gone wild at this time in my life, so I color. I don't really give a hoot about "latest style" with hair, but I want my hair to be a way that I enjoy.

 

To me, weight is a matter of maintenance most of the time, not "wake up and suddenly decide to lose 50 lbs." (Please note: I'm talking about normal weight gain, not illness-related.) I work out most days. I never feel like it, but I know that things go south quickly if I don't invest this effort.

 

Clothing: whether you're rich or poor, you can dress in clean clothing that is not the same thing you slept in. You can wear something that looks like you put some thought in or you to be schlumpy all the time. I think it doesn't project well to our spouses if we dress better to go to the mall than to greet dh when he gets home. He should have the pleasure of coming home and seeing me look clean and organized. He should have the pleasure of feeling proud when we go out.

 

I do think there are people who try too hard to look identical to how they looked 20 years ago and it mostly just looks alien to me, but it's better than someone who gave up 20 years ago.

 

I am 40 and I am aware that I do not look exactly like I looked when I was 20. But I wash my hair, I style it, I color it. I wear some makeup. I brush my teeth. I even had my teeth whitened a couple of years ago. I shave my legs and pits. I sometimes get a pedicure. I work out 4 or more times a week. I change clothes every morning. I iron things that are wrinkled. I maintain the carpet in the teA room. I choose healthy foods more often than not.

 

I plan to keep to this general concept for years and years to come.

 

:iagree: Obviously we all change in ways that aren't in our control, but I do plan to control those things that I can, well, control.

 

Please him how? just sexually? emotionally? intellectually? We please each other by having nearly the same values and goals in life, by spending time together, by discussing issues that are important to us and by creating a loving family for our daughter.

 

In every way possible? :) I want my connection with my husband to be physical, emotional and intellectual. I'm not going to neglect our physical connection, and the fact that I pay attention to that component of our relationship doesn't mean we don't connect on other levels. Why does it need to be one or the other? Why not all of the above?

 

I do realize that our lives go through phases. There have been times when one component was more important than others, but they were all there in some capacity. When we were first married, tEa was a major player--now it's more of a pleasant side benefit of our relationship. On the other hand, our intellectual and emotional connection has grown over the years, and our physical chemistry is enhanced by the former.

 

This topic is rather polarizing, so I think it's important to remember that as long as your particular relationship is working for you and your spouse, the specifics don't really matter. What other people think of the dynamic you and your spouse have established is insignificant.

 

We each have preferences and dislikes. For some people those things can be physical; for others it's certain attitudes or mannerisms. It can be as simple as a smell or the way someone's voice sounds or as complex as intelligence or social aptitude. The things that attract or repulse us are part of our individuality. Whether you agree with my personal preferences or not, or whether I would find your spouse as attractive as you do doesn't really matter a hill of beans.