Question/Vent

[Lori C- Texas]

I guess I have a question what is the hive's take on this situation.

 

My husband and I believe our dd14 to be a VERY social person. She is a dancer and is at dance about 10 hours a week. If she is not at home doing schoolwork or at dance she is over at her friends' houses or they are at ours. She paces the house if she does not have somewhere to be which isn't often. She is always polite and never seem "uncomfortable" around new people. All the older people at church are always coming up to her giving her hugs and telling her they think she is so well rounded and they just love being around her. Same with her peers. She doesn't have an enemy that we know of. Everyone is her friend and always coming up to her giving her a hugs as we leave dance and telling her to call them later....

 

She is staying with her grandmother(my mil) this summer so she can attended a ballet summer intensive. This intensive is 6 weeks long. Dd is not close to her grandmother. MIL has always favored dd but still does not go out of her way to have a relationship with her or any of us really. MIL is very self involved and LOVES to talk about how everyone in the world does everything wrong. Staying with MIL is the only way we could afford to send dd to this summer intensive. I thought this summer would go very smoothly since she has never been this way to Dd.

 

MIL has never been a fan of us homeschooling. From what dd has said MIL has been really laying into dd about not being social. Dh just got off the phone with MIL and she laid into him about how dd is not talking to anyone. When she is home she just stays in her room. If someone asks her a question she answers but does not talk unless someone talks to her first. We have never noticed this before with dd. This seems very strange.

 

I guess yesterday they had a big bbq at my SIL's house. Her son, he is 16, had a lot of friends over and my dd got to meet another cousin she has never met before. MIL said on the phone to dh that dd did not talk at all that the other kids tried to get her to join them and she just sat there. I talked to dd and she said she was quiet but did talk and did swim with the other kids and that she had a good time. She said that they were all older than her and were talking about stuff she had no clue what they were talking about and she was uncomfortable most of the time.

 

I guess here is my question. My dd has not seen her grandmother or aunt more than 10 times in her entire life. Her cousin even less. They swear she is anti social and it is because she is homeschooled and they are very concerned for her. Should we be worried that she can't interact with people she doesn't know well or just ignore what has been said? DD wants to stay because she LOVES her classes but can not stand being in the same room with MIL. MIL has also told dd how she wishes my dh would get a better job and make more money. DD is only 14. She has never been away from home this long and is with people that live a completely different life style than us. Dd has 4 weeks left of her summer intensive.

 

Thank you for letting me rant! I have the mommy bear feelings and wish I could just go get her!

[Rosie_0801]

Congratulations for being polite enough to listen to her entire rant! You can forget what she said now. Tell your dd to do housework instead of sitting in her room, and not to pay any attention when Grandma criticises how she does it. If Grandma asks why she's doing it, she is to say "I'm just trying to be helpful!" and not "because I'd rather you criticise my housekeeping skills than my character."

 

Rosie

[OLG]

Can you go and visit to give your dd a little support? MIL sounds like she is a bit much to deal with even for adults... AS for the comment that your dd didn't socialize at the cook out, well, she didn't really know thee kids nor have anything in common with them so I don't find it strange at all that she wouldn't be gangbusters about meeting them. Do think your dd could use a friendly face and a little TLC about now from what you posted. Four weeks is a lot longer at that age than at ours (or mine at least!). So sorry you are having to deal with this at a distance too. :grouphug:

[aggieamy]

Sounds like your daughter might be a bit homesick. Anyway you could get out to visit her for a weekend?

 

As for the social bit - meh. Ignore it. It's entirely possible that people are seeing what they want to see in your DD. Does she talk about making friends or at least meeting interesting people at her dance camp?

[JudyJudyJudy]

I like Rosie's answer:

 

Congratulations for being polite enough to listen to her entire rant! You can forget what she said now. Tell your dd to do housework instead of sitting in her room, and not to pay any attention when Grandma criticises how she does it. If Grandma asks why she's doing it, she is to say "I'm just trying to be helpful!" and not "because I'd rather you criticise my housekeeping skills than my character."

 

Rosie

[almondbutterandjelly]

I am concerned that your dd might be experiencing verbal abuse from your MIL, and that the negatives of living with her outweigh the positives of the dance classes. I'm just throwing that out there as a possibility. Verbal abuse can leave emotional scars that take years to heal. Personally, I would go get my dd and bring her home. I've experienced verbal abuse first hand, and I wouldn't allow my child to be put through that, certainly not for an additional month. Obviously, you have a better handle on the situation that I do, but I do think "Mama Bear" is rearing her head for a reason.

[Lori C- Texas]

We are planning a trip there this weekend. I am going to see how things are when we get there and she maybe coming home with us! Luckily, dd is dancing 6 days a week and only has to deal with MIL on Sundays. But it is enough to drive her batty.

 

I think MIL thought that having dd there so long she could fix her. Dd is not a flashy "Look at me!" kind of person and my dh's family is all about that kind of stuff. No matter how many times we tell MIL that dd is not this way at home she won't believe us. It is hard to get dd to not talk all the time at home!:)

 

Hopefully, visiting this weekend will help make dd feel more comfortable. I just need to accept that MIL will believe only what she wants.

 

Thanks!

Lori

[Jean in Newcastle]

You already know that your dd is a social person who has many people who love her. Now she's in a position where she's staying with and interacting with people who, while family, she's not really close to. I get the impression that instead of trying to gently reach other to her, and to find things they have in common that they can talk about, they are either ignoring her (the cousins) or scrutinizing her (your MIL).

[Sophia]

I guess here is my question... Should we be worried that she can't interact with people she doesn't know well or just ignore what has been said? DD wants to stay because she LOVES her classes but can not stand being in the same room with MIL.

 

I would not be worried, but I would not ignore it either. My response would be your dd doesn't have a problem interacting with people~she just interacts differently than her 16 y.o. cousin and other young people her grandma is accustomed to.

 

For Pete's sake, her willingness to be away from her family at 14 for four weeks says a lot about her self confidence.

 

I would also affirm dd as much as possible, telling her how proud I was for her patience with difficult relatives and tell her the choice to come home is hers but showing forbearance to people who are less than gracious is character building and I would be ridiculously proud of her.

[Saujana]

I would not be worried, but I would not ignore it either. My response would be your dd doesn't have a problem interacting with people~she just interacts differently than her 16 y.o. cousin and other young people her grandma is accustomed to.

 

For Pete's sake, her willingness to be away from her family at 14 for four weeks says a lot about her self confidence.

 

I would also affirm dd as much as possible, telling her how proud I was for her patience with difficult relatives and tell her the choice to come home is hers but showing forbearance to people who are less than gracious is character building and I would be ridiculously proud of her.

 

Totally :iagree:

[Pamela H in Texas]

I would tell MIL that you appreciate that dd can stay there so she can enjoy her camp. However, I would set the boundary that people should be respected as individuals, not picked on.

 

Seriously, the girl is being picked on, with virtual strangers, and is likely a bit tired! She's a lot stronger than I would have been (btw, public schooled); I would have already asked you to come pick me up!

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: I am quiet and slow to warm up to new people, even if they are family. I was not homeschooled.

 

I would be concerned about the verbal barrage from MIL. I would encourage her to stick it out. When you visit give her some tips on dealing with comments and questions. She sounds grounded well enough to deal with it. I would also put dh on to his mother to discuss some boundaries.

[Lori C- Texas]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I am very proud that dd is sticking it out. I wouldn't have made it this long when I was her age. I am also slow to warm up to new people. My MIL was an actress and has always tried to be the life of the party and people that don't act like her are horrible in her opinion. MIL is a very difficult person. She is so dramatic and if she doesn't see something happen it didn't happen. Like with the bbq dd went to. She did talk to the other kids but MIL didn't see her. So it didn't happen.

 

Dd doesn't want us to talk to MIL about the problems she is having because she thinks it will make things worse and she does want to stay. This summer intensive is with one of the best ballet companies in the US. Dd doesn't want to give it up just because of MIL. I am very proud of her. We will go this weekend for a quick visit and then she will only have about 2 and 1/2 more weeks to deal with MIL.

 

I hope that dh can stick to his guns this weekend. I know there will be lectures and "advice" given that is not wanted. Dh does not like confrontation of any kind and neither do I.

[Lori C- Texas]

As for the social bit - meh. Ignore it. It's entirely possible that people are seeing what they want to see in your DD. Does she talk about making friends or at least meeting interesting people at her dance camp?

 

She has said that she has met a lot of girls in her classes. They are all staying in the dorms so she can't really socialize with them other than at classes. She says they all sit together at lunch. The ballet does have outings for the girls on Sundays that dd could go to. We have told MIL to take her to some of these outings and she hasn't. If she did MIL would see how she interacts with people she has things in common with. But she hasn't made the effort to take her.

[Jean in Newcastle]

She has said that she has met a lot of girls in her classes. They are all staying in the dorms so she can't really socialize with them other than at classes. She says they all sit together at lunch. The ballet does have outings for the girls on Sundays that dd could go to. We have told MIL to take her to some of these outings and she hasn't. If she did MIL would see how she interacts with people she has things in common with. But she hasn't made the effort to take her.

 

Do any of her friends live close enough that they could drop by and pick her up from your MILs?

[Lovemyblessings]

I am concerned that your dd might be experiencing verbal abuse from your MIL, and that the negatives of living with her outweigh the positives of the dance classes. I'm just throwing that out there as a possibility. Verbal abuse can leave emotional scars that take years to heal. Personally, I would go get my dd and bring her home. I've experienced verbal abuse first hand, and I wouldn't allow my child to be put through that, certainly not for an additional month. Obviously, you have a better handle on the situation that I do, but I do think "Mama Bear" is rearing her head for a reason.

 

:iagree:

[Harriet Vane]

Sounds like a negative environment. However, as it's not abusive, and your dd has specific goals with dance, I'd say to continue on as long as your dd is comfortable doing so.

 

That said, make it clear to her that if she wants or needs to leave, you'll come get her.

 

Your mil really needs a time-out, but your dd is probably right in that discussing this will make it worse. I would not listen to mil's rants anymore though. Find a way to shut that down. Have you read Joanne's bean dip article? It's fabulous. It's not just about changing the subject--it's about establishing boundaries.

 

Here's an example:

 

MIL: Your dd is not very social. I'm worried sick about her.

You: Dd is doing fine. There is no need to criticize her. Would you like some bean dip?

 

Don't make it any more involved than that, and don't fall into the trap of explaining at length. You know your mil has no interest in a real discussion. Just say the truth, calmly, and move on. In the above scenario, if your mil continued whining about socialization, I would say to just continue repeating: "Dd is doing fine. There is no need to criticize her."

[DianeW88]

Is there anyway you could get her into the dorms for the last month of the intensive? Speaking as a mom who's BTDT (more freaking times than I care to count :glare:)....the dorm life really does add to the experience of the intensive. I think your dd would be much happier if there was any way that could be arranged. Another month in a poisonous environment is going to be hard. Kudos to her for trying to make the best of it.

[amey311]

What if you make the Sunday outings a "requirement"? Does MIL drive? Because if you're making them optional for MIL, she may just be opting out. If instead you say, "Daughter needs to be at ABC location on Sunday at 123 time. She'll need to be picked up at 456 time at the same location for a school outing. Can you get her there, or do we need to make other arrangements?"

 

Also, you could call the school and speak with a director and then relay that conversation if you want. "We spoke with the instructors yesterday. They let us know what a pleasure Daughter is to have in class and how much all of the girls are getting along. We're so thankful she's had this opportunity to attend this school, and that you've allowed her to stay with you for this long visit."

 

Is there a chance MIL is feeling like she has to stay home with Daughter on Sundays/evenings? Would you be comfortable letting Daughter stay at the house alone if MIL wanted to go visit with her friends or go on outings alone?

[Purpledaizy]

If she is in and intensive program 6 days a week, it wouldn't surprise me if she is too tired to be much of a high-energy social butterfly on the weekends. Not only is she in a high energy program, but she is with people all week long. When I do work outside the home, I treasure my quiet alone time at the end of the week. Perhaps her cousins don't have the same high energy outlet as a dance program and instead focus more intently on social events.