Make me laugh.

[Chris in VA]

I need some new jokes, riddles, funny things to say and hear--

 

So have at it, Late Night Ladies! (oo, maybe not a good name...)

 

Make me laugh!!!

 

Let the frivolity begin!!

[Chris in VA]

Oops, it double posted.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Isn't that funny?

[Mama Anna]

Hmmm . . . I wonder if this will work? I'll tell one on myself. :D

 

I sang in the choir in college. Required dress was a long, flowing black dress with lots of ruffles. :glare: I lived at home (rural area) and spent a lot of time commuting back and forth to school. One late fall night I was driving home after a concert when I came to a curve and found a shapeless black thing in the road in front of me. It moved a bit (a little freakily), so I edged over and passed by it in the other lane. As I passed, I saw it was a black trash bag rippling in the breeze. Feeling all full of performance glow and helpfulness to my fellowmen, I decided it would be dangerous to leave it there. I pulled off the road (leaving the car running with its lights on) and walked back to pick it up. When I turned around, I saw the car cheerfully bumping its way across the plowed field toward the creek bed a couple hundred yards away. I'd forgotten to put it in park! All my professionalism left me pronto and I tore out across the plowed field in my high heels hollering, "Hey! Come back here, you!" I caught it before it went more than 20 yards or so (Thank the Lord it wasn't muddy that night) and managed to get back onto the road, but I always thought that would have made a great video . . .

 

Did it work?

 

Mama Anna

[lea1]

It got a good laugh from me!:lol:

[Once]

My youngest has a personality. These are a few stories I have shared with others IRL....maybe you will think they are funny too.

 

Just before dinner last night he asked me for some chocolate.

I said, "No dear. Dinner will be in five minutes."

He said, "Uggg! Will that be the short five minutes or the long five minutes?"

 

When told he never took naps, my son stated in his sweetest voice, "Well, I take big ones in the night time."

To which his all knowing sister replied, "That's called sleeping."

 

My youngest had just counted to 59 with a little help.

Proudly he said, "I think you should call the Guinness Book of World Records!"

 

He is five and comes out with the cutest things. Mostly they make me laugh because he is mine and I am savoring him as my last.

 

Hope you get some good ones!

[Mama Anna]

He is five and comes out with the cutest things. Mostly they make me laugh because he is mine and I am savoring him as my last.

 

Hope you get some good ones!

 

Made me chuckle, too!

 

Mama Anna

[trailofsparks]

My dd, who was then 4, was fiddling with her spoon at the dinner table, after my dh had already told her not to fiddle. As you can imagine, her spoon soon fell to the floor. Dh gently said, "Oh, dd. . . " and she innocently replied, "But Daddy, that's just what spoons do!"

 

We have laughed and made variations of that story many times over the years. She is 10 now. Gotta keep these cute stories alive!:lurk5:

[kalanamak]

Back 60 years ago or so, cake mixes were rather expensive, and my mother didn't allow my sister to use them. She decided that she would bake a cake while the folks were out and PROVE she could do a good job, and therefore get to do it again.

 

The cake failed. It didn't rise, and my sister buried the evidence under a spirea bush. A year later the thing died, and my father dug it up. When he found the cake, he thought it was Indian bread left by a squaw 50 or more years ago (this was in the Flint Hills in Kansas). He drove it down to the University and left it with a puzzled professor in the archeology department, for testing. Once home, my sister confessed what it was, and my father sheepishly drove back and retrieved the cake.

[Denisemomof4]

Back 60 years ago or so, cake mixes were rather expensive, and my mother didn't allow my sister to use them. She decided that she would bake a cake while the folks were out and PROVE she could do a good job, and therefore get to do it again.

 

The cake failed. It didn't rise, and my sister buried the evidence under a spirea bush. A year later the thing died, and my father dug it up. When he found the cake, he thought it was Indian bread left by a squaw 50 or more years ago (this was in the Flint Hills in Kansas). He drove it down to the University and left it with a puzzled professor in the archeology department, for testing. Once home, my sister confessed what it was, and my father sheepishly drove back and retrieved the cake.

 

:smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5: you win. That's too funny for words!!!

[trailofsparks]

Back 60 years ago or so, cake mixes were rather expensive, and my mother didn't allow my sister to use them. She decided that she would bake a cake while the folks were out and PROVE she could do a good job, and therefore get to do it again.

 

The cake failed. It didn't rise, and my sister buried the evidence under a spirea bush. A year later the thing died, and my father dug it up. When he found the cake, he thought it was Indian bread left by a squaw 50 or more years ago (this was in the Flint Hills in Kansas). He drove it down to the University and left it with a puzzled professor in the archeology department, for testing. Once home, my sister confessed what it was, and my father sheepishly drove back and retrieved the cake.

 

:lol: Yup, you win! This takes the cake :D

[Sugarfoot]

Back 60 years ago or so, cake mixes were rather expensive, and my mother didn't allow my sister to use them. She decided that she would bake a cake while the folks were out and PROVE she could do a good job, and therefore get to do it again.

 

The cake failed. It didn't rise, and my sister buried the evidence under a spirea bush. A year later the thing died, and my father dug it up. When he found the cake, he thought it was Indian bread left by a squaw 50 or more years ago (this was in the Flint Hills in Kansas). He drove it down to the University and left it with a puzzled professor in the archeology department, for testing. Once home, my sister confessed what it was, and my father sheepishly drove back and retrieved the cake.

 

:lol: Does this mean I can tell my kids that there may be things buried by native Americans in our backyard?:D Then again, do I want them digging up the backyard?:001_huh:

 

Tonight we celebrated my DD's 13th b-day. My mom asked DD4 how many candles were on the cake. She said, "thirteen." Then she asked her how many she'd have on her next birthday cake. She said, "five." Then she asked DS3 how many candles will be on his cake when it's his birthday. He answered, "a lot."

[CanaryMelody]

Back 60 years ago or so, cake mixes were rather expensive, and my mother didn't allow my sister to use them. She decided that she would bake a cake while the folks were out and PROVE she could do a good job, and therefore get to do it again.

 

The cake failed. It didn't rise, and my sister buried the evidence under a spirea bush. A year later the thing died, and my father dug it up. When he found the cake, he thought it was Indian bread left by a squaw 50 or more years ago (this was in the Flint Hills in Kansas). He drove it down to the University and left it with a puzzled professor in the archeology department, for testing. Once home, my sister confessed what it was, and my father sheepishly drove back and retrieved the cake.

 

This was fantastic! Your poor dad! :lol:

[KidsHappen]

Back 60 years ago or so, cake mixes were rather expensive, and my mother didn't allow my sister to use them. She decided that she would bake a cake while the folks were out and PROVE she could do a good job, and therefore get to do it again.

 

The cake failed. It didn't rise, and my sister buried the evidence under a spirea bush. A year later the thing died, and my father dug it up. When he found the cake, he thought it was Indian bread left by a squaw 50 or more years ago (this was in the Flint Hills in Kansas). He drove it down to the University and left it with a puzzled professor in the archeology department, for testing. Once home, my sister confessed what it was, and my father sheepishly drove back and retrieved the cake.

 

:lol:

[iona]

How do you know an elephant is in your bed?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

peanut breath

[specialmama]

Background info: when my dd was wee, we called a kitchen drawer "the sharp stuff drawer". That was the only drawer off limits. I showed her the skewers, the graters, the knives... all the sharp things, and regularly reminded her that the "sharp stuff drawer" was not to be touched.

 

Here's what happened:

When my son was 2, we had a private psychologist come to diagnose him with autism. On his second visit to our home, as he was organizing his things, he decided to engage my dd (then 4) in a little small talk. So he asked her how the past weekend was. She looked at him with wide eyes and said, "oh it was very scary. We had very dangerous people over." Knowing that this man was psycho-analyzing everything, my pulse quickened and I just stared at him as my jaw dropped. He glanced at me over his paperwork, then turned to her. "Really," he said, "tell me more" as he glanced my way again. I was just freaking out inside, thinking "I don't know WHAT she's talking about!"

"Well," my daughter continued, "they were very dangerous people. They could cut you and make you bleed and they could even kill you!" I cleared my throat, quite nervously. "Um, honey, the only people we had over this weekend were missionaries from out of town. They were very nice people who needed a place to stay for the weekend." "Oh no mommy, they were very dangerous!"

Then it occurred to me that the missionaries' last name was Sharp. :glare:

The psychologist laughed it off when I explained it. Poor kid. She must have spent the whole weekend terrified. :tongue_smilie::lol:

[specialmama]

Here's another one:

When my dd was almost 3, she came running into the room with her index finger extended. She excitedly proclaimed: "look mommy! It's a burger! I found it in my nose!"

 

That's one burger you don't want served with cheese! :lol:

[CanaryMelody]

That story reminded me of the time my exMIL came up here to Michigan to visit my oldest DD (her blood granddaughter). We were driving to the store and passed by the landfill.

 

Now this landfill was somewhere we had been before... When DH accidentally threw away something very valuable of mine, I had gone up there digging through everyone's trash looking for my valuables. Oh man! What a disgusting and smelly thing to have to do! I stunk the car all the way home that day. Now every time we pass by it as a family, someone (usually DH or DD) points out "Momma's Hill of Shame" to always remember my trash digging trip up there.

 

So during this trip, exMIL pointed to the giant hill and asked if that was an Indian burial mound. DD and I just looked at each other and started giggling remembering my visit there. exMil just eyed us curiously. We never did correct exMIL and let her keep thinking that it was a historical site. ;)

 

So now that landfill is not only "Momma's Hill of Shame" but an ancient Indian burial ground, too. Makes for lots of giggles when we go to the store every time. :lol:

[kalanamak]

Well, we have been laughing at my sister's little episodes for years. Here is another:

 

When she was an early teen, she was troubled over what to get our father for his birthday (this was a problem for all us kids). She picked incense, in one of those -- What will I get him, what can I find in this little rural town-- moments.

 

She regretted it, but didn't know what to do with the incense. In another impulse, she hid them in the silverware drawer under the forks. Summer came, and everyone noticed the forks were foul. My sister had forgotten her deed, and was a perplexed as everyone about the forks you couldn't force yourself to put in your mouth. Everyone took to using spoons. My mother finally got to the meat of the matter, and my sister again confessed. But, it took quite awhile before the forks were tolerable again.

[KidsHappen]

Ok, this will only be funny if you know my back story so, I am bi-polar (manic depressive). My hubby is in FL and I am here. We chat on IM each night. Tonight he started to send a joke that required me to say, "No, what?" only I wasn't here so he didn't post the punch line and this is what I got:

 

 

 

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Honey?"

 

 

 

 

I cracked up laughing when I came back to my computer and saw what was on the screen. :lol:

[specialmama]

Ok, this will only be funny if you know my back story so, I am bi-polar (manic depressive). My hubby is in FL and I am here. We chat on IM each night. Tonight he started to send a joke that required me to say, "No, what?" only I wasn't here so he didn't post the punch line and this is what I got:

 

 

 

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Honey?"

 

 

 

 

I cracked up laughing when I came back to my computer and saw what was on the screen. :lol:

 

:lol::lol::lol:That's all kinds of awesome!

[kalanamak]

:lol: Does this mean I can tell my kids that there may be things buried by native Americans in our backyard?:D Then again, do I want them digging up the backyard?:001_huh:

 

 

 

 

We had a house on an old buffalo wallow. Not only did we find arrowheads, we also had preserved dung to dig up. We were puzzled by what this was, when an old-timer, ancient Mr. Elling, whose stone house, I'm sure, is still on the corner of Elling and Anderson Avenue told us about the wallow. After that my mother was less thrilled about our digs.

[kalanamak]

T

So now that landfill is not only "Momma's Hill of Shame" but an ancient Indian burial ground, too. Makes for lots of giggles when we go to the store every time. :lol:

 

Did you find it?

 

Once my father, a skilled whistler and bargain-hunter, brought home an LP of Norwegian folk songs for a dime. That summer we were traveling by train in Japan, of all places, and there was a Norwegian fellow sitting right in front of him (he had stickers on his luggage). Very, very softly, my father proceeded to whistle about 20 Norwegian folk songs, and the guy was obviously deeply perplexed. When he'd turn around, my father would suddenly cease, and give him an angelic smile.

[Kirch]

Did you find it?

 

Once my father, a skilled whistler and bargain-hunter, brought home an LP of Norwegian folk songs for a dime. That summer we were traveling by train in Japan, of all places, and there was a Norwegian fellow sitting right in front of him (he had stickers on his luggage). Very, very softly, my father proceeded to whistle about 20 Norwegian folk songs, and the guy was obviously deeply perplexed. When he'd turn around, my father would suddenly cease, and give him an angelic smile.

 

:lol::lol:

That's just MEAN!!!

[*Inna*]

Did you find it?

 

Once my father, a skilled whistler and bargain-hunter, brought home an LP of Norwegian folk songs for a dime. That summer we were traveling by train in Japan, of all places, and there was a Norwegian fellow sitting right in front of him (he had stickers on his luggage). Very, very softly, my father proceeded to whistle about 20 Norwegian folk songs, and the guy was obviously deeply perplexed. When he'd turn around, my father would suddenly cease, and give him an angelic smile.

:lol::lol::lol: That's not right.

[KidsHappen]

I keep a joke file for just such occassions. Here is one of the funnier ones that homeschool moms especially will appreciate:

 

Widely circulated for many years, this is reportedly a selection of actual statements from GCSE examination papers in England. All the original spelling and punctuation are retained.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all lived in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He dies before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.

6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

7. In the Olympic games, the Greeks ran races, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

8. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

9. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out :"Tee hee, Brutus."

10. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

11. In midevil times most people were alliterate.The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

12. The ancient britons had rushed mating on the floor of their huts.

13. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenburg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the globe with a 100 foot clipper.

14. The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

15. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

16. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

17. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to bare arms.

18. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

19. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Handel was half German half Italian and Half English. He was very large.

20. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.

21. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.

22. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

23. The First World War, cased by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

24. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the

[Wendi]

Go to Youtube. Type in "Brian Regan I Walked on the Moon". Watch all five or six installments.

 

Wendi

[AuntieM]

:lol: Yup, you win! This takes the cake :D

 

I'm laughing at this, too, but I bet not nearly as hard as those archaeologists did all those years ago.

 

Oh, your poor embarrassed pa...

[Chris in VA]

THANKS< ALL OF YOU!!!

 

I needed that, I surely did! :D

[pfamilygal]

My five year old is watching me change the baby's diaper.

 

"Mama, where's her's balls?" he asks.

 

"Well, sweetie, Leah's a girl. Her parts are on the inside."

 

"Oh, well that would come in handy. You know, when you're climbing around naked they can get caught on things."

 

"You know what else comes in handy, Luke? Pants."

 

 

 

I'm driving down the road with my 10 yr old and he says, "Mom. What age should I be when I start having sex?"

 

I just about drive into a ditch.

 

"Well, married," I reply.

 

"Oh, I know that," he says, "but right after we're married, or should we wait a few years."

 

"Oh, you'll want to do it right away. It's fun."

 

"Really?" he asks, " It did not sound fun when you described it. It sounded messy."

[kitten18]

Cake Wrecks always makes me laugh and it is especially good around Easter.

 

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2011/04/easter-eggcellence.html

 

An Easter post from last year. I was laughing so hard I was crying.

 

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2010/03/easter-is-that-you.html

[oasis]

Cake Wrecks always makes me laugh and it is especially good around Easter.

:iagree: That's a fantastic site! :D

 

Gabriel Iglesias always makes me laugh, if you're looking for stuff at YouTube! :lol:

[Miss Peregrine]

My MIL pronounces Nicolas Cage's last name as ka-zhay. We always get a good laugh out of that.:lol:

[~Tara~]

Oh these were great...love the cake, er, artifact hehe

 

YES Gabriel Iglesias, he's a riot! "Mr. eeeeglasias with an I, whatever, it's yo d@%# name" *snort*

 

Sorry I have nothing to contribute.

[Cinder]

Loved the cake story. Here's our latest adventure.

 

Last week it got pretty hot here in GA and 6yo dd wanted her kiddie pool to wade in. So we filled it up and the water started overflowing. I told her to turn off the water because the pool was overflowing into the yard. She looks up at me, then at the stream of water, and jumps up. Then she starts yelling.

 

"We're having a flood! Where are the Dam People? We need the Dam People here right now!"

 

:tongue_smilie:

[3lilreds in NC]

This past weekend, my parents wee visiting, and we discovered that my mom can turn her tongue over like my middle child can. I said, "Well, Abbie, you're not the mailman's child!" (Where that thought came from, I have no idea, and it doesn't even make sense because it was my mom who could do the tongue trick, not dh's, but I digress.). Abbie looked at me, confused, and asked, "Mom, who in our family is even a mailman?" :lol:

 

At dinner last night, Schmooey looked up at me and said, "Mommy, my fingers are people and they're feeding me!" :)

[3lilreds in NC]

:lol:

Loved the cake story. Here's our latest adventure.

 

Last week it got pretty hot here in GA and 6yo dd wanted her kiddie pool to wade in. So we filled it up and the water started overflowing. I told her to turn off the water because the pool was overflowing into the yard. She looks up at me, then at the stream of water, and jumps up. Then she starts yelling.

 

"We're having a flood! Where are the Dam People? We need the Dam People here right now!"

 

:tongue_smilie:

:lol::lol::lol: