Needing advice on my almost teen DD - really really long

[LibraryLover]

All of you are suffering greatly. I have a daughter who is nearly this age, and if she started with all of this, I would be beside myself with worry. Something would be very wrong. I don't know that one particular thing is going to make everything better, and I would get more information about meds etc before I made a lot of decsions about the things that helped her to calm (ipod- music etc).

 

I would make sure our whole family spoke with someone. I would also make sure dh and I talked with the person first, and had an entire appointment alone with the therapist before they saw my child.

 

This is a family issue, especially in one so very young!

[Peela]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I see lots of good advice already!

 

One small thing I'd add is to avoid talking too much, at her age, about exactly how she's going to support herself in the future, what she's going to be when she grows up, etc. That's just way too "out there" and inconceivable for 12 years old. At her age, she should be dreaming big -- dreaming of climbing mountains, maybe, or exploring jungles, or being a rock star or a groovy Bohemian artist, or joining the Peace Corps in Africa (a crazy-dreaming, no-account friend of mine did that and ended up with a master's degree in medical services), or finding the Loch Ness monster! Never mind "how" -- she's got years to figure that out, and to change her mind multiple times along the way. For now, encourage the crazy dreams, revel in them, say "that is SUCH a COOL idea!"

 

:iagree: with this. Kids need to dream big- the practicalities kick in later. But I know I wasnt motivated at that age by getting a sensible job and living a suburban boring life for the rest of my life.

 

 

I don't know if this is at all the right answer, but I would consider considering (Is that even a phrase?) public school. I mean, girl drama is icky, but a certain amount of it is normal, and possibly even healthy, in that it teaches kids how to navigate real world relationships. While there is certainly not as much girl drama as there was in junior high, it still exists, although the form has morphed a bit.

 

The advantages that I see public school could provide would be: 1) allowing you to have extended time with the younger children, to focus on them, 2) taking you out of the role of teacher and allowing you to be just mom to her. She would have accountability to other adults, and it removes an aspect of stress from your relationship. 3) It would force her into a certain amount of social interaction. It would simply be part of the day, rather than an activity that she has to pursue. It might help replace the online relationships that she has. 4) She would have some other adult role models. 5) Being away from the computer (as in, not in the same room with it) might help ease the detox.

 

:iagree: with this and i encourage you to consider it rather than just dismiss it. It may not be the right solution for you and your daughter but at least be open to it being the right solution in your situation, at this time (not in general for everyone). See what the psychologist thinks. (I also agree with family therapy- because sometimes one child expresses all the negativity for the whole family).

I suggest the possibility of school because I was having terrible trouble with my ds15 and it was really stressful for me- I was so used to it I didn't even realise how stressful my days were with him. He is at school this year and it is perfect for him- and we all know it. I am healing (my adrenals are not firing off all day!), he is thriving by having many teachers and other kids to bounce off each day. Yes he is exposed to things we would rather he wasnt- but its ok. The benefits outweigh the problems by far.

The parent/child dynamic sometimes needs a break- if it has got stuck in a bad rut, school is not a giving up on the child. It is giving both parent and child a break from a relationship pattern that is unhealthy.

Of course- trust your own gut feeling about it- your child may be in more serious danger than school can influence- but I know it has been a good thing here, and its easy to get stuck in "homeschooling is always best" once you are in a homeschooling mindset and subculture.

I thought I would lose my close relationship with my kids once we weren't homeschooling, but actually, it has been great for us all. We are all free spirited, freedom loving, independent people- and we all are thriving with our space from each other this year, after so many years being so close.

 

Your child does sound depressed, but underneith depression is frequently rage- rage that is turned inside, hence the desire to self harm. She needs some deeper healing to find out why she is so unhappy, or at least to get her in touch with her deeper emotions.

 

I would also suggest- do not be afraid of your own child. You are doing your best- have confidence that you are doing your best and that you care. If you make a wrong decision, when you notice, you will change it- but don't keep beating yourself up or being too frightened of the consequences, to do anything. If banning electronics turns out to be too much- give some back. You love her- you are trying your best to help her. If you sway too far to one side or the other- underneath she will know you are just trying to help her. She may always be difficult- but you don't have to suffer on top of the suffering, if you know what i mean. Its hard- don't make it harder by being hard on yourself.

[In The Great White North]

The only that interests her is horseback. We have stuck with that for 3 years but the barn is over 45 minutes away. I can't take her more than once a week with the distance and gas prices. (We are trying to move closer, though.) We have not taken horseback away as a discipline option because it is the only thing she has that is an outside physical activity.

 

 

Any possibility of the that stable having a part time job for her?

[kolamum]

I haven't read other replies, so pardon me if I'm repeating, but...

 

We have a child in our home that when they play computer/video games they can not only become so absorbed in them we have issues ending electronic time, BUT.. it's all they think about and want to do. If we state that no one will get to use it for x days then suddenly they come back to their normal self.

 

If your daughter wants to live off the land you should suggest she look into scouting so she has the skills to live off the land. ;) Especially in the Amazon!

[Heidi]

Holy cow! :grouphug: I don't know if this could be an option for her, but how about getting OFF the medication that is causing the mood swings and depression and try treating her add through diet? Have you heard of the book Gut and Psychology Syndrome by Dr. Natasha Campbell-Mcbride? Please order it and read it. I don't see how she can be expected to control herself on medication that has such horrible side effects. It's like expecting an alcoholic not to act drunk.

[woolybear]

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry I don't have any real advice, just lots of empathy. My ds is a huge challenge and his moods and behaviour problems can take a major toll on the whole family. I really sympathize with the quandary you are in with how to help/discipline/etc. I hope the counseling and lowering meds helps you all out.

 

:grouphug: To you and your whole family.

[at the beach]

:grouphug: I have skimmed the replies. Lots of good advice.

 

My thoughts:

 

She is young, very young, in the scheme of things. I imagine it might be hard to see her that way since she is your oldest and is also significantly older than your other children. My oldest is 22 and my other two are 14 and 11 (all girls, btw). I viewed my oldest as way older than I view my younger two now when she was their age. I expected a lot, and when I look back on it, I wish I had babied her more in some ways. It can be a very hard place for a kid, to be significantly older than her other siblings but still be very much a child herself, needing attention that she may not be getting. No judgment here, I just know how it was in my house.

 

I agree with the no TV, no computer, no electronics. Just cut the cord immediately and do it as a family so she is not singled out.

 

I agree that a counselor/therapist is an immediate need. I'd for sure be getting her medication reviewed and maybe even see about weaning her off of it and seeing what happens before adding new medication or changing it. I'd also be looking at diet.

 

Lots of one on one time, you with her, doing things together. A movie, a walk through the mall, whatever. Even reading a book together. You'll probably have to start this slowly as she may not be initially receptive. Right now, I'd make her my priority. To everything there is a season and this season she needs you more than anything. I think it's important that you come from a place of love. Punishment is just not going to work in this situation IMO.

 

I second the recommendation to read Hold Onto Your Kids.

 

I would definitely get her more involved in the barn and riding if I could since this seems to be a positive thing in her life right now.

[Cheryl in NM]

:grouphug: I am so sorry you are going through this! This sounds similar to how life was with my step-daughter. She actually got into cutting a little, she carved the word "hate" into her forearm and tried to pierce her belly button several times. She drank, did drugs and quit high school. There was no controlling her. We never figured out how to help her and she moved out and quit talking to us from 16-18. She started talking to us at her brother's funeral. Now, she has her own apartment, holds down 2 jobs and is in college, she's about to turn 21. She still goes through cycles where she is self-destructive. she does appear to be leveling off though. I don't mean to discourage you.

 

Something that did not work was the strict punishment. It made it worse. I think the family dynamic of dad, step-mom, mom, 2 different step-dads got in the way of helping her. Again, my only observation from our situation is that strict punishment did not work. She is okay now and is a functioning member of society and allows us to be part of her life.

 

You mentioned your daughter is 12. I wonder if hormones are playing a factor in any of her problems. Even if she's not exhibiting any signs of puberty she could still be having hormone fluctuations. Maybe tracking her mood changes and behavior could give you some insight. I didn't notice my step-daughter's cycles for years (this started when she was 9). Keep searching for answers and document everything.

 

I hope you find the answer and that it goes better for you than it did for us.

[TheTwinsMom1]

I wanted to say I also agree with getting her meds checked. IF the meds are causing side effects she might not be able to control her behavior even if she wanted to.

 

Also if she is thinking about harming herself, I would be calling hte doctor, ASAP. Some meds can cause kids to want to kill themselves. It took us weaning our two off all stimulants to realize they were doing nothing good and only causing side effects.

[kaylk in tx]

she's crazy about horses.... but you live too far away for daily horsey contact. would she be interested in training a dog?

[CanaryMelody]

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[CanaryMelody]

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[CanaryMelody]

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[CanaryMelody]

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[Joanne]

Originally Posted by Terabith

Actually, I am sort of wondering if she is addicted to the computer. I'm hearing bad behavior, and I'm hearing depression, but why do you think she is addicted? It seems like this has been the assumption, but I didn't see that in the OP.

 

If she is in fact addicted, then the counselor can help with that. And maybe she will need to not have access to a computer.

 

Addiction is certainly a possibility, but so is bored, snotty, depressed ADD teen who goes and hangs out online as her default activity. (And really, going online is sort of my default activity, when nothing is going on for me.) I just hesitate to cut her off from her support network without a better grasp on the situation.

 

Or am I missing something? It seemed like the OP started with bad behavior but fairly quickly moved to internet addiction, based on other poster's experiences.

 

I was thinking "screen addiction" before I got to the line in the OP about "all she wants to be is be on the computer.........."

 

I don't have a child who is screen addicted, but I have had some come through my daycare and I've worked with a few families with screen addicted kids.

 

OP, much good advice has been offered. I just have 2 things:

 

Take *medical* advice from us very lightly. Only a few (one that I can think of) are actual medical doctors. Opinions about pharmaceutical help for behavioral issues abound and often influence posting.

 

Also, and I say this while still respecting my profession, do you know the "altnerative friendly" status of the professional you are going to see? I'd hate for you to see someone (and I agree you should) and have that person run your situation throught a personal bias (or ignorance) about homeschooling. It's my prayer (if you don't mind) that your professional IS just that and won't run everything through the "she is homeschooled" filter and give you a laundry list of solutions that are some form of "get her in public school".

 

I'm not trying to be discouraging, but it happens often enough that I wanted to mention it.

 

About the screen/computer addiction, I'd recommend complete, cold turkey cut off for an indefinite amount of time. I am not normally a strict and punishment minded person, but in dealing with the kind of behavioral/processing addiction it IS love to be rigid and strict.

[specialmama]

About the screen/computer addiction, I'd recommend complete, cold turkey cut off for an indefinite amount of time...in dealing with the kind of behavioral/processing addiction it IS love to be rigid and strict.

:iagree:

[CanaryMelody]

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[Jean in Newcastle]

I know. :) I'm certainly not cutting computer usage to be mean or to punish her. I only want what is best for her and to help her. We've had several talks with DD about this computer "ban" as she calls it. She might not like it or even agree with us, but she understands WHY we are doing this. That makes me hopeful in this will be something we can overcome.

 

Just a note on this aspect. In our case, once my ds had been off of computers for at least a month (I can't remember exactly how long it was), I sat down with him and shared some of the information out there on computer addiction. This was only after I saw a change in his behavior and mental state from having been computer free for a while (and thus over withdrawal symptoms). Only then was he able to start to see how much more at peace he felt without the gaming vs. how churned up and stimulated he had felt while doing the gaming.

 

As you can see from my previous posts, we've gone backward a couple of times and found that in my ds' case, a "ban" of a few months wasn't enough but it was easier in subsequent times for him to see himself how the computer affects him. This is important to me because I'm not going to be monitoring his computer usage for life. I sincerely hope that maturity might lessen the games affect on his brain but I realize that might not be so. And I hope that he will be able to be able to start to discern when things are starting to feel out of control.

[SonshineLearner]

You might read Love and Logic for teens. Seriously, even though it cuts into other time, suggest the 2 hr time with her... doing whatever is on the "ok" list that she likes. If you have enough $$$ it could be breakfast and a walk... etc.. There are boundaries for this.. you schedule it like a real meeting.... and don't bow out except for true emergencies... It's worth a shot. It's a hard time of life, seriously. You sometimes have to take a fresh breath of air, remove the "bad sheep" title... and remember that this is the part where you try to do damage control. She will come back, you will have a relationship that is good when she's older. BUT, you really have to not have too many hurts now... for that to be easier.

:)

[Cheryl in NM]

She's started at 10years. You do bring up a good idea of tracking behavioral changes in relation to her cycle. Any kind of clues can only help us help her. :)

 

I didn't mean her menstrual cycle. I meant her mood cycle and her cycle of self-destructiveness. I really think my Dsd is bi-polar, but she's adamantly opposed to seeing any help.

[Alyeska]

I only read the first few pages...and I went to sleep thinking about this situation last night.

 

Here is my .02. Honestly, I would not discipline or do anything different than you are currently doing until there has been some doctor/evaluation/med change. I have been on meds before that affected my behavior greatly...and it would be a shame to discipline for something that wasn't her fault.

 

Perhaps sitting her down and explaining how you think her meds are affecting her will give her a sense of you being on her side and desiring to help her. I bet she KNOWS she is being awful but doesn't know WHY or what to do about it. I've btdt and it is a very helpless and sad feeling to have.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Hang in there! The doctor appt is only a few days away!

 

I forgot to add...please don't take away her electronics/computer...this is her outlet right now and she needs the outlet. Computer issues can be handled after the med issue is resolved, and the computer issue may just end up resolving itself.