Jean in Newcastle Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I know the title is harsh but I'm typing in extreme frustration here. I've spoken before of my neighbor who is also a friend. She is extremely needy for periods of time followed by months when I never hear from her. We had a huge blow up around Christmas time because she literally waited for me to get home from the ER (which she knew I was going to) to ask me to do favors for her. I didn't hear from her for 3 months afterward and then lately I could see her putting some feelers out to see if I was still mad. I tentatively let her back into my life. At first it was fine - hearing from her every couple of weeks in normal chit-chat sort of calls. But now she's needy again and I know that if there is to be any hope of us maintaining any kind of contact, I have to set up some boundaries. This is what I'd like help doing. Three days ago she called, wanting to come over so that I could see an infected sore on her neck. Not exactly fun but I said ok. I looked at it (it wasn't really that bad) and told her that if it were me, I'd put neosporin on it. If she was really worried, I suggested she go to the Dr. The "two minutes of my time" she asked for became more than a half hour because she wanted to chat about other things. She called me 3 more times that day about her anxiety about her sore. Two days ago I think she called multiple times but I had stopped answering my phone in self defense and don't have caller I.D. Yesterday she went to the Dr. She way-laid me at the mailbox and told me. I felt like "Whew! I'm off the hook." She called me an hour ago wanting me to look at her sore again. . . I did tell her that right then wasn't a good time (I was stepping into the shower) but I have to call her later. . . Please help me set up some boundaries here! I can see myself blowing up again really soon and that is not how I like to maintain my interpersonal relationships. I've had people ask me why I'd even want to have a friendship with her. When she isn't like this, she's warm and funny and a genuinely nice person who "gets me". But I can't deal with the needy times. I'm on antibiotics (again) for bronchitis. I'm so busy with all the things that get put aside when I'm acutely sick as well as trying hard to deal with all the things that I haven't dealt with for years because of my chronic problems. I love to have friends. I truly believe that God wants me to be kind and generous with whomever He brings in my path. I'm almost in tears because of the frustration I'm feeling right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Does she have *anyone* else in her life for things like..."looking at sores"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 :grouphug: Oh Jean, that's hard. Why not write her a note and explain that although you value your friendship, life is difficult and busy. Perhaps suggest that the two of you get together weekly for coffee or something, from x time to x time, and this would allow you to stay connected without all the daily interruptions. I believe this can be done tactfully and in love. She sounds very self-absorbed and I bet she talks about herself all the time and barely acknowledges the stresses you're under. Your well could be dry and she'd still be asking for water, right? Jean, you know you need to take care of yourself and your family first. I think a true friend will understand that. And if she's not a true friend? Then the friendship is not worth the energy you give to it. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 :iagree: :grouphug: Oh Jean, that's hard. Why not write her a note and explain that although you value your friendship, life is difficult and busy. Perhaps suggest that the two of you get together weekly for coffee or something, from x time to x time, and this would allow you to stay connected without all the daily interruptions. I believe this can be done tactfully and in love. She sounds very self-absorbed and I bet she talks about herself all the time and barely acknowledges the stresses you're under. Your well could be dry and she'd still be asking for water, right? Jean, you know you need to take care of yourself and your family first. I think a true friend will understand that. And if she's not a true friend? Then the friendship is not worth the energy you give to it. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I jettison them.... I do not deal well with parasites and over the decades have never found a way to successfully maintain a relationship. I bet she has been 'dumped' many, many times before! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Yikes! That's a difficult situation, especially since she's a neighbor that you have to see! Can't really hide from a neighbor. I'm not sure what to tell you....I'd be really uncomfortable in a situation like that. I'm not very confrontational. Honestly, I'd probably stop answering my home phone and just have people call me on my cell. I'm not sure that's she'll be able to separate the needy friend from the warm, caring one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Before you mentioned why you valued the friendship, I was going to say it probably needs to be cut off. Whether she's incapable of respecting boundaries or...is more intentional w/ the disrespect, I don't see getting around it. If she has someone to do these things for her, then you can consistently point her back to those people in her life. If not, well, that's more complicated. But if the friendship is valuable to you, I think you may have to say NO to her requests. Dispassionately, consistently, whether you can do something or not. Because like you said, 2 min turns into 30. From what you've described, I imagine she can't help her behavior. In which case, *you* will need to always say no to her requests because she is incapable of restraining them. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avila Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Boundary 1: Try to meet her in a public place or at her house so that you decide when to leave instead of letting her hang out in your living room ignoring your subtle signs that visiting time is over. Boundary 2: If she does show up at your door, meet her there with your car keys in hand. Explain that, while you are glad to see her, you were just on your way out the door to do -- well, whatever it is that you must do in 5 minutes. When 5 minutes is over, walk out the door and she will most likely follow you. Boundary 3: When she calls, as soon as you pick up the phone and know it is her, set a kitchen timer. Place it right next to the phone. When it goes off, tell her you absolutely must get off the phone or whatever was in the oven will burn. Click. You need to decide how much time and energy you are willing to spend on her and limit her to that. She sounds like the type of person who will expand to fill the void, so you have to limit the void by having things in place ahead of time to get off the phone, out of her house, etc. :grouphug: You are way too nice a person to keep being taken advantage of. Even some of your time and friendship will be a blessing to her, but if you don't get boundaries in place, it will be all or nothing for your own survival. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrogMom5 Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I agree with SpecialMama. You obviously care about this person but, she is draining you. She is also very disrespectful of you. I've had one too many relationships like this to be useful to you. I'll just say you need your strength and energy for your family. If your friend can't be respectful of your time and priorities, then she's not really a good friend. Ok, I'll be quiet now. Denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 13, 2011 Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 I'm too lazy (or maybe busy!) to individually quote and reply so I'll just make some general replies. She has a number of people in her life who are there solely to help her in her times of need. 90% of them are male who come running to rescue the damsel in distress. They will not look at things like infected sores - thus her need to have someone like me on the side. She is very self absorbed. She is also incapable of being a good friend, even though I do value who she is as a person behind all this cr*p. I can't look at her for a normal friendship but I do agree that I need to have these boundaries so that I am not sucked dry. I appreciate the practical advice. I need to put on my big girl panties and set some boundaries. As I think through stuff, I realize that she is unable or not willing to respond to hints regarding boundaries. I think I need to be blunt. I can do blunt but do not like to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 ...I need to be blunt. I can do blunt... ...I need to be blunt. I can do blunt... ...I need to be blunt. I can do blunt... ...I need to be blunt. I can do blunt... wash, rinse, repeat. You can do it! :hurray: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 13, 2011 Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 wash, rinse, repeat. You can do it! :hurray: :lol::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 She is also incapable of being a good friend. Did you notice that bit you just typed? :grouphug: Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 sorry - meant to post another thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 14, 2011 Author Share Posted April 14, 2011 Did you notice that bit you just typed? :grouphug: Rosie Yes, I noticed. When she started to make overtures last month to see if she could renew the relationship, I thought long and hard about whether I would let her renew it. I had the time to think because she had left a phone message and I could decide whether to return the call or not. I realized that I could never have a "normal" friendship with her because of where she is in life and perhaps because she is stunted relationally. I decided then that it was ok - I was willing to acknowledge that and have a relationship that took that into account as long as there were healthy boundaries to preserve my own mental and physical health. But while it seemed like she was observing (unspoken "normal") boundaries at first because she didn't want to anger me again, as time has passed, she's bypassed all boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oops, duplicate account :/ Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 I thought this would be about reocurring intestinal parasites and I was so bummed for you! :tongue_smilie::D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 14, 2011 Author Share Posted April 14, 2011 I thought this would be about reocurring intestinal parasites and I was so bummed for you! :tongue_smilie::D Actually, I think I have those too but I'm going to the Dr. about that one, not the Hive! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 You know, it sounds like she only believes that she can get love and sympathy if she is broken in some way, and also that if she is broken in some way that trumps anyone else's legitimate needs or desires. She was probably raised like that. It's sad. It doesn't make it your problem necessarily, though. It's so hard, isn't it, to balance Christian love and appropriate boundaries. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm not sure how I would handle it. It's very difficult. (Clearly she is out of line, and you have my complete sympathy. Just sayin'.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 Blunt and firm - no lying, no sugar coating. However, she is your neighbor, and you don't want a "frenemy" living next door, so you do (to a certain extent) have to stay cordial. There is NO WAY to stay friends with a person like that healthily. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 23, 2011 Author Share Posted April 23, 2011 You know, it sounds like she only believes that she can get love and sympathy if she is broken in some way, and also that if she is broken in some way that trumps anyone else's legitimate needs or desires. She was probably raised like that. It's sad. It doesn't make it your problem necessarily, though. It's so hard, isn't it, to balance Christian love and appropriate boundaries. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm not sure how I would handle it. It's very difficult. (Clearly she is out of line, and you have my complete sympathy. Just sayin'.) She complains that her mom has narcissistic personality disorder. Her mom sounds very difficult from what she's told me, so yeah - I'm sure she was raised like that. I sent her an e-mail explaining that I am pulled every which way by family obligations right now, which is true. I asked if we could get together at Starbucks every week or two. I've heard nothing from her since. Next week I will extend an invite to Starbucks and we'll see if she's been trying to observe boundaries or if I'm being snubbed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 I'd lay it on the line. Just tell her if she wants to be your friend she needs to quit the pyscho stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehogs4 Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 I'm really sorry that you are going through this, but I'm going to speak from experience... the only boundary that will work is a closed door and an occasional polite greeting with no invitation to engage. It will hurt her, but she may grow from it. You have to take care of yourself, and if you don't set your boundaries she may never learn. On the flip side of that, you may be doing her a life-time favor by teaching her what it means to be a good friend. People like that have very little sense of being, and it is the attention that other people (like you) give them that gives them an identity. It is the only way that she knows. It sounds harsh, but it took strong boundaries set by caring people to eventually help me learn what healthy relationships look like. I think it is fair for you to say that from your experience, she does not respect the boundaries that you try to set, and because she seems to lapse in that direction, it is healthier for you to not continue a close relationship with her. Caring and honest is going to be your best course of action. You can even affirm her and let her know that you genuinely care about her. If she gets angry and huffy and you don't hear from her again, at least you have your sanity. If she cries and says she understands and hangs back out of consideration, it just may be that time and growth is needed, and that there is a better relationship waiting on the other side. who knows? Even so, you've taken care of yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 I sent her an e-mail explaining that I am pulled every which way by family obligations right now, which is true. I asked if we could get together at Starbucks every week or two. I've heard nothing from her since. Next week I will extend an invite to Starbucks and we'll see if she's been trying to observe boundaries or if I'm being snubbed. I think your email is good, and if I were you I would wait for her to make the next move instead of approaching her again. Also, try to think of other things. Don't give her space in your head right now. If she pops in, tell her you're busy and offer a specific day for a Starbucks meeting. That's how you might establish this boundary gently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 23, 2011 Author Share Posted April 23, 2011 I think your email is good, and if I were you I would wait for her to make the next move instead of approaching her again. Also, try to think of other things. Don't give her space in your head right now. If she pops in, tell her you're busy and offer a specific day for a Starbucks meeting. That's how you might establish this boundary gently. The only reason I feel like I should extend the invite is because I told her in the e-mail that I would try to set something up in a week or two. I feel like it is important to follow through with that even though it will feel awkward to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 If it were me, I would be very specific and rigid about things. "I'm sorry, I can't __________________________ right now. Thanks for thinking of me." Then smile and walk away or hang up. No exceptions. If I were willing to do something with her it will be on terms that I could control. Meet her away from your home if you are uncomfortable with saying to her, "Well, I have to ask you to leave because I have something I have to do." And then stand up, walk to the door and open it. If you're not in your house you can look at your watch, say, "Look at the time! I'm sorry, but I HAVE to go now. I'll call you later." Then smile, wave over your shoulder, and get in your car and leave. When she calls at a bad time say, "I'm sorry. I wish I could chat, but I don't have the time. I'll call you when I do." Then hang up. When you are willing to spend time with her, be as engaged and friendly as you can be. When you're done be firm but nice and end it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 (edited) Just tell her no. You can be pleasant: "No, I don't want to." Who can argue with that? It works. I've done it. The sky did not fall in. The person did find another friend who would go along with all that carp. Edited April 23, 2011 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 23, 2011 Author Share Posted April 23, 2011 Just tell her no. You can be pleasant: "No, I don't want to." Who can argue with that? It works. I've done it. The sky did not fall in. No, I don't want to!:toetap05::biggrinjester: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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