Emotionally manipulative in-laws....

[In2why]

I think dh is worried about going to counseling again because he knows that it is his family that's nuts. I'm really upset right now because he and I had recovered from the whole kerfuffle of telling his parents to move out. Now he's hurt and angry at me again after MIL's little pity party.

 

I'm wondering about writing her an email to tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and that they need to be completely moved by the end of the week. Dh is NOT on board with that at all, though, so I'm not sure that request has any teeth. She'll just cry to him about how hard it would be to move that fast (she's off school this whole week). He'll be even angrier at me for being so mean to his mom. Etc.

 

I hate this! :(

 

You can only change you. Not your MIL and not even your DH. This is how their relationship works right now, and only they can change it. But you have won the battle of getting them a move out date. The rest of it is just a messy sideshow at this point. Your DH probably feels extremely uncomfortable and stressed at changing the dynamic enough to support your need for them to move out, I don't think I would push to make him happy about it, or to go even further in cutting her out. It is just too much too soon, even though it needs to be done. The problem isn't so much her crying to him, as his reaction by trying to get you to change. I would reassure him that it is the right decision, and that you know it is hard for him (even though you know it isn't healthy). I wouldn't try to set any more boundaries for and with your DH and his Mom until this first major hurdle is handled, and they are out of your house. One step at a time. Changing a dysfunctional relationship is hard, and I don't think your DH is without a backbone, I think he is brave for taking the first step with your help and support.

[OnTheBrink]

Ugh. Part of me thinks you should tell dh that either they go or you and the kids do. He was supposed to have made the choice between mommy and you on your wedding day. But, that's probably not a productive thing to do. *sigh*

 

Just the thought of my EXMIL living with me makes me want to upchuck.

 

You've gotten some good advice. Good luck in this. :grouphug:

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Is that your mom?

 

Yes. (Re: "My husband's Mother-in-Law". Have never been able to quote-within-a-quote.)

[QueenCat]

 

I'm the villain according to dh and his family because I need space and boundaries. MIL does have some really great qualities, but it's difficult to appreciate any of them at the moment. She and I are not going to have a relationship if she keeps inserting herself into my marriage to her son. They are all blind to the unhealthiness of this situation. The betrayal and heartbreak over having to move ten minutes down the road is just unbelievable.

 

 

 

:grouphug: If your husband considers you to be the villain in this, then you and your husband have major issues you need to deal with. If he is letting his family think it is all you, then it is even worse. I truly hope you are able to get your husband to put your marriage first.

[Alicia64]

I just wanted to add that it doesn't seem loving to me in the least for your MIL to burden her son in this way.

 

I'm only in my 40's and I do everything I can think of to make life easy for my boys one day. Even down to brushing/flossing my teeth.

 

My reasoning: if I'm in terrible health or in poverty, my boys will be dealing with me rather than taking care of their wives and grandchildren. Some help will, of course, be nice, but I don't ever want them feeling like they "owe me." I want them living a happy and healthy life and pursuing their passions. (And homeschooling my grandkids! :lol:)

 

Anyway, how your in laws are acting doesn't sound like love in the least to me. In fact, they sound like leeches.

 

I feel sorry for dh and sorry for you too. He got robbed of a "real" mom and you robbed of a great MIL.

 

Once you -- non-emotionally -- set down boundaries and stick w/ them for years to come this situation will improve.

 

Take care,

 

Alley

[ChandlerMom]

You can only change you. Not your MIL and not even your DH. This is how their relationship works right now, and only they can change it. But you have won the battle of getting them a move out date. The rest of it is just a messy sideshow at this point. Your DH probably feels extremely uncomfortable and stressed at changing the dynamic enough to support your need for them to move out, I don't think I would push to make him happy about it, or to go even further in cutting her out. It is just too much too soon, even though it needs to be done. The problem isn't so much her crying to him, as his reaction by trying to get you to change. I would reassure him that it is the right decision, and that you know it is hard for him (even though you know it isn't healthy). I wouldn't try to set any more boundaries for and with your DH and his Mom until this first major hurdle is handled, and they are out of your house. One step at a time. Changing a dysfunctional relationship is hard, and I don't think your DH is without a backbone, I think he is brave for taking the first step with your help and support.

 

:iagree:

 

You want your DH to want what you do and to feel how you do. Right now that ain't gonna happen and you shouldn't expect your DH to come to you and tell you he knows you're right. Keep focussed on what you CAN expect: get them out. I would give dh a deadline -- he makes arrangements for movers by the end of this week or you will. Do your best to keep calm, don't let your frustration and anger with dh get in the way, and pity your dh for getting gipped in the mom department.

 

Once you get to calm waters, you and dh will have some work to do, getting over resentment (on both sides), agreeing to boundaries, and beginning the process of dh establishing a more healthy attitude towards his parents (though again, it'll be in his own time and he'll probably never see it just as you do).

 

Personally, I think if we all committed to do a better job teaching our dd's to not get serious with any guy who hadn't already established a healthy boundaries with their mom (opposed to being willing to "try" which is short term BS) you'd see a lot of guys get their act together mighty quickly. They are a pragmatic gender, and if the only way to get girls is to cut those apron stings...bye-bye mommy-dearest! :lol: Once you're hitched, the ability to get them to change goes waaaay down. :p

[prairiewindmomma]

---

Edited November 10, 2021 by prairiewindmomma

[Entropymama]

I disagree. It's not a book for the whole family. It's a book for you. Your MIL is perfectly happy with manipulating her son -- there is no incentive for her to stop this insanity.

 

Hoping that your MIL or dh will "see the light" by reading books is a sign that you're not realizing how serious this problem is. Nobody but you will be able to fix this problem.

 

Alley :grouphug:

 

That might be true, but it might not. I read the book that was recommended a few years ago and it was very enlightening - I really didn't realize how unhealthy my own actions were. It's worth a shot.

[Veritaserum]

Thanks for all the support and ideas. After attending church today I feel like the best thing to do for now is to let go of my hurt and anger. That's hurting my relationship with dh and is just pushing him to "side" with his parents. In the hall at church, MIL asked me for names of the moving companies and said she would call them tomorrow. Hopefully this isn't more manipulation. Either way, dh did agree to be firm about my original June deadline and he agreed to stop asking me to change my mind. I'm feeling peaceful at the moment. I think things will eventually be ok.

 

I downloaded Boundaries and the mom book onto my Kindle. :)

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug:

 

Be prepared for your FIL to have chest pain and 911 to be called, and also to have to re-paint the door jamb, where your MIL's fingernails have taken the paint off as you pried her fingers off.

 

:iagree:

 

I don't mind being the "bad guy but what do you expect from an atheist" with my ILs.

 

I'm a devout christian, and I can be quite ruthless when needed. It has little to do with religion or lack of. (I know atheists and christians who are *quite* enabling of self-destructive behavior.) It is more about understanding what is actually healthy for someone's longterm emotional and mental health. sometimes "being helpful" is actually being selfish and the worst thing a person can do for the person they claim they're "helping".

 

the old "give a man fish" thing . . . keep giving him a fish, and he's completely dependent, but "oh, I'm so kind because I'm saving him from starvation by giving him a fish." (note, it's about the giver, NOT the recipient.) But if you require he take the lessons you offer to learn how to fish, he learns to feed himself, and can then teach others to feed themselves too.

[mom2bee]

My husband's MIL lives with us.

 

You have my sympathies. :grouphug:

 

She is supposed to move out in July.

 

:glare: <---this is me not holding my breath.

 

:grouphug:

 

Your mom is your DH's Mother In Law...*giggle smiley*

[Jean in Newcastle]

Your mom is your DH's Mother In Law...*giggle smiley*

 

She knows that;). . . it's how she's able to maintain a bit of distance and objectivity about everything.