If you're picky/careful/conservative about what you let your dc watch...

[Aubrey]

How do your parents/ils respond to that?

 

If they...consistently show your kids things you don't want your kids to see...& maybe your kids come home in tears over it (i.e., not just a bit over the line, but not...I don't know, what's the twisting-head movie?)--what would you do?

 

Talking has not worked. Sending movies w/ the kids works *sometimes.*

 

On the phone, grandparent apologized but blamed Other Grandparent. Crying kids told me that when asked if this movie was REALLY ok, "G said it was a sweet movie." G says OG watched it w/ the kids, not G, so really OG should have been more watchful.

 

Now today, I just got an "apology" email that suggested that this grandparent had enough stress w/out adding family stress. :001_huh: Sent to me because Grandparent "doesn't have dh's email address." (Dh has emails from Grandparent in his inbox from this week.)

 

I guess, in conclusion, there's more going on than the movies, but I don't feel like I can shrug it off AGAIN as "just a mistake." The kids tried to say they were uncomfortable watching this movie before it was turned on. They complain about watching movies at Grandparents' house. (Grandparent's email said how much the kids LOVE watching movies when they're over there.) The kids also felt bad because Grandparents said that they'd "gone to a lot of trouble to get this movie." (Which means they had a chance to ask us about it & didn't.)

 

You can offer suggestions for resolution or simply status-levels for appropriate anger. Dh & I pretty quiet people, & sometimes I think that may not be such a good thing. :glare: It's easier to apologize for having a soft tone, though, than for having overreacted. :tongue_smilie:

 

ETA: Fwiw, these are essentially dc's only grandparents. That may color my thinking on some of this, because...it's not like we have a lot of spares hanging around. But what happened to *reading* at grandparents' houses? Or gardening? When I was a kid, I'd read the awful Reader's Digest versions of books that were all my grandparents' had, dust their furniture, & "putter." I know what it was--they didn't have a VCR (neither did we). There was no talk of watching movies at all.

Edited March 27, 2011 by Aubrey

[Hedgehog]

I'm not exactly sure why your extended family are okay with doing something that makes your kids cry?

 

I guess it depends on how important it is to you. If it's really important, and you are prepared to make a stand, then you could say something like - "Sorry, our children won't be coming over to your house until you assure us that you won't put on any movie without okay-ing it with us first." And then if they still do it, refuse to take your dc over to their house(s) for a time. OR, if your dc are old enough, can you tell them to refuse to watch any unsuitable movies without you being there?

 

DD11 occasionally goes around to her friend's house for the day, during the holidays, and they might watch something, but I've told her that she is only allowed to watch U rated movies; any other rating needs my say so. (The answer isn't guaranteed to be no; it's just that I'd want to give it some thought first.)

 

HTH some..

[Starr]

This is really hard because the kids are trying to please the grandparents. I would have the movies planned out before they go and it all talked over and settled, you, kids, and gps. That way there would be no confusion. If it's not okayed before you leave no shows.

[Aubrey]

I'm not exactly sure why your extended family are okay with doing something that makes your kids cry?

 

The kids cried when they got home.

 

I guess it depends on how important it is to you. If it's really important, and you are prepared to make a stand, then you could say something like - "Sorry, our children won't be coming over to your house until you assure us that you won't put on any movie without okay-ing it with us first." And then if they still do it, refuse to take your dc over to their house(s) for a time. OR, if your dc are old enough, can you tell them to refuse to watch any unsuitable movies without you being there?

 

The oldest is 10. If these were friends, I'd have no problem telling them to say, "No thanks" to movies they aren't supposed to watch. Since these are grandparents, though, they have a hard time balancing that w/ respect. And when they *try* to say "No thanks," Grandparents refuse to listen.

[BakersDozen]

We've bdtd and our kids did not go to their grandparent's house without us, period. My mil is hugely into movies including many we would never let our dc watch. After years (about 10) she finally got the point. Last summer we let them take our dc for 3 days without us for the first time and first call we got was from mil about a movie. Now that was a good thing because at least she asked our permission first! However, the movie she wanted my dc to see was a huge NO for us and we went back and forth over the phone on it. What it came down to was I told my dc if she put the movie on they were to quietly leave the room; they were not to argue, they just got up and left. My mil didn't put it on, thank goodness. Had she done so, had she dared to go against our wishes and put our dc in that situation, she would never have had our kids again and she knew it.

 

And when they *try* to say "No thanks," Grandparents refuse to listen.

Then grandparents do not have the privilege of being trusted with the grandkids.

[Aubrey]

This is really hard because the kids are trying to please the grandparents. I would have the movies planned out before they go and it all talked over and settled, you, kids, and gps. That way there would be no confusion. If it's not okayed before you leave no shows.

 

That's reasonable, & it ought to work. We've got plenty of movies, & although they're the same ones the kids always see, that would be fine. I think...part of the problem is that they've got something like 1000 channels at their house, & they like to let the kids pick something from their list. Which is fine, because the kids always pick Winnie the Pooh, lol.

 

Unfortunately, Other Grandparent in particular likes to pick the movies himself. But...Grandparent rolls her eyes & says, "Oh brother" to some of our (dh's) concerns (not all). That makes me Angry.

 

And I'm SO mad about this weekend. It's not the first time, & it's not a little bit over the line. AND the kids tried to say something & were ignored/shushed. AND we've said something before. And if you're going to tell the kids it's a "sweet movie," you darn well better sit in there w/ them & make sure. Not try to pawn it off on your spouse.

 

And the email was just crazy weird. Why say you don't have dh's email address? I hate to call that a lie, but...if you've emailed him *within the last week*... how could you not know/remember that?

 

And...is it just me, or...does Grandparent saying she can't handle family stress/drama seem...to pass the blame back to us, as if we've added stress to her life?

 

Tell me about "can't handle family stress right now." I'm right there with ya. :glare:

[clarkacademy]

How do your parents/ils respond to that?

 

If they...consistently show your kids things you don't want your kids to see...& maybe your kids come home in tears over it (i.e., not just a bit over the line, but not...I don't know, what's the twisting-head movie?)--what would you do?

 

Talking has not worked. Sending movies w/ the kids works *sometimes.*

 

On the phone, grandparent apologized but blamed Other Grandparent. Crying kids told me that when asked if this movie was REALLY ok, "G said it was a sweet movie." G says OG watched it w/ the kids, not G, so really OG should have been more watchful.

 

Now today, I just got an "apology" email that suggested that this grandparent had enough stress w/out adding family stress. :001_huh: Sent to me because Grandparent "doesn't have dh's email address." (Dh has emails from Grandparent in his inbox from this week.)

 

I guess, in conclusion, there's more going on than the movies, but I don't feel like I can shrug it off AGAIN as "just a mistake." The kids tried to say they were uncomfortable watching this movie before it was turned on. They complain about watching movies at Grandparents' house. (Grandparent's email said how much the kids LOVE watching movies when they're over there.) The kids also felt bad because Grandparents said that they'd "gone to a lot of trouble to get this movie." (Which means they had a chance to ask us about it & didn't.)

 

You can offer suggestions for resolution or simply status-levels for appropriate anger. Dh & I pretty quiet people, & sometimes I think that may not be such a good thing. :glare: It's easier to apologize for having a soft tone, though, than for having overreacted. :tongue_smilie:

 

Is this your parents? Husbands parents? Why do you feel it is not respectful to speak up? Just put it point blank in a respectfully tone voice. I have never had this issue as I won't really allow his family around the children and my parents would never dream of doing anything I say no too. My best friend has the issue though and as the kids are getting older since no one has really taking a stand it is causing issues in her marriage. I would just state my feelings, leave no room for debate and if they can't be respectful of you and your husbands wishes the children do not need to go around then. It is not out of line to parent your children and if they go against you now what will it be like in a few years? I hope this gets worked out for you and you and your husband can feel better about leaving the children with family members!

[ChristusG]

I would be VERY upset. I'm very conservative about what my children watch and my parents (the only people my kids stay with) know that. DD6 pretty much knows what they are allowed to watch and my parents usually run it by her first to see if its okay.

 

If they were consistently having them watch things that were not okay and they refuse to listen to you about it, well then, I'd have to question how much longer my kids would be allowed over there.

[Aubrey]

Is this your parents? Husbands parents? Why do you feel it is not respectful to speak up? Just put it point blank in a respectfully tone voice.

 

*I* have no problem speaking up; neither does dh. It's the kids. At first, they assumed that they could trust what Grandparents put on. Now they know they can't, but they're cautious about how to approach it--the older 2 are very sensitive about being disrespectful (sometimes, lol).

 

Anyway, dd asked, "Is this movie ok?" G said, "Oh, yes--it's a very sweet movie."

 

Dd said she really knew it wasn't ok, but she couldn't think what else to say, so she asked, "Are you SURE?"

 

G said she was certain & then went to bed, leaving OG to watch the movie w/ the kids. :glare:

[*Jessica*]

We've had a very similar situation with my husband's parents. Papa knows how much the boys like superheroes, so he was letting them watch portions of King Kong, Spiderman, and Batman movies when they were there. He said he skipped any objectionable scenes, but according to the boys that wasn't true. Marc and I were not happy, and told him that movies beyond a G rating were absolutely not to be shown without prior permission. We didn't let them stay for months.

 

Papa promised to follow the rules, so we let them go back. Once again they let them watch something that we consider inappropriate, I can't even remember what it was. I wasn't happy, but Marc was furious that his father had so little respect for us as parents that he would ignore our instructions. They didn't speak for over a month.

 

Eventually, months and months later, we let them stay again. We told them it was three strikes and you're out. We sent movies that we thought were appropriate. They watched one of the movies that we sent and then Papa stopped on the SciFi channel to let the boys see part of a movie because he knew they would think it was cool that the car had a life of its own. While they were watching, the car rolled up its own window and chopped off a man's head. My children were terrified, and over a year later still have nightmares about it. We were both furious this time. I couldn't speak to his father for months.

 

We also had some carseat issues on these same visits that were even more infuriating than the movie issues.

 

The grandparents were told that they would never be able to have to boys overnight again. Marc is starting to lose his resolve and has mentioned that he knows his dad would never do it again. He thinks if we don't leave the seats, and tell his parents not to drive anywhere with the boys, all will be ok. As for me, unless there is a major emergency my children will never spend the night with my in-laws again.

 

I think your situation is even worse than ours was. My children wanted to watch the superhero movies. Your children had already expressed that they were uncomfortable watching the movie(s) and were ignored. I think you can guess what my solution would be.

 

ETA ~ For some persepctive, my children have watched the first 4 Harry Potter movies and all 6 of the Star Wars movies. We've seen all of the movies he showed them parts of and would never have approved. Batman: The Dark Knight for a 4 & 6 year old?!?! Parts of that movie scared me!

Edited March 27, 2011 by *Jessica*

[Aubrey]

I would be VERY upset. I'm very conservative about what my children watch and my parents (the only people my kids stay with) know that. DD6 pretty much knows what they are allowed to watch and my parents usually run it by her first to see if its okay.

 

If they were consistently having them watch things that were not okay and they refuse to listen to you about it, well then, I'd have to question how much longer my kids would be allowed over there.

 

They go over there once a month or less, & this isn't a problem every time, but when it is...they act all wide-eyed & innocent. They always say they'll be more careful, but...OG won't listen AT ALL (one of those sweet old men who just doesn't listen), & G...just always blames OG.

 

*sigh* I don't feel like I can trust them. BUT it's not like they're *hurting* the kids, & so...maybe it's something to keep working at.

 

Or maybe dh will get that job in NC & we can just give up on grandparents altogether. :crying:

[8circles]

*I* have no problem speaking up; neither does dh. It's the kids. At first, they assumed that they could trust what Grandparents put on. Now they know they can't, but they're cautious about how to approach it--the older 2 are very sensitive about being disrespectful (sometimes, lol).

 

Anyway, dd asked, "Is this movie ok?" G said, "Oh, yes--it's a very sweet movie."

 

Dd said she really knew it wasn't ok, but she couldn't think what else to say, so she asked, "Are you SURE?"

 

G said she was certain & then went to bed, leaving OG to watch the movie w/ the kids. :glare:

 

I have to be honest & say that this just seems very odd to me, all around. Especially the whole passing the blame from one GP to the OGP. I think that since the GPs are putting your kids in this position which your kids are unable to handle then as the parents you are reasonable to not allow these GPs to have this kind of access to your children.

[Aubrey]

I think your situation is even worse than ours was. My children wanted to watch the superhero movies. Your children had already expressed that they were uncomfortable watching the movie(s) and were ignored. I think you can guess what my solution would be.

 

Nope--you win the cake. No heads were chopped off in what the kids saw. :svengo:

 

Some of their choices aren't out-of-line for our oldest...they're movies *we* don't want him watching *yet*--he's extra sensitive. And when he's ready, for some of these, we'd be a lot happier watching them w/ him.

 

But they're showing w/out asking to ALL of the kids, down to the 2yo. Dh just sent a reply to the email (which I forwarded to him, despite the attempt to get straight to me!), & gosh it was gracious. Honestly, I think he did a stellar job, focusing on complimenting what they do well. If they remain angry or ignore the movie issue in the future (it will probably be MANY months before they take the kids again--this spring is really busy for them), nobody on earth could fault dh for it. I think he was wise to be so kind...probably...but...grrrrr. G is lucky he replied instead of me. :D

[8circles]

They go over there once a month or less, & this isn't a problem every time, but when it is...they act all wide-eyed & innocent. They always say they'll be more careful, but...OG won't listen AT ALL (one of those sweet old men who just doesn't listen), & G...just always blames OG.

I don't take kindly to the "innocent" act with my parents or my ILs. Seems like maybe if they can be convinced that you mean business maybe they'll learn. Stopping the visits with a blunt telling of the reason why might do the trick?

 

*sigh* I don't feel like I can trust them. BUT it's not like they're *hurting* the kids, & so...maybe it's something to keep working at.

I get what you're saying but you can't un-see something that you've seen. I am not very conservative about what my kids watch compared to many on the forums here, but if there's something that I don't want my kids to watch, there's a reason for it. I would consider it harmful if it were seen, otherwise I'd let them see it, does that make sense?

 

Or maybe dh will get that job in NC & we can just give up on grandparents altogether. :crying:

 

I hate these kinds of situations. Sometimes GPs are a lot of trouble.

[Aubrey]

I have to be honest & say that this just seems very odd to me, all around. Especially the whole passing the blame from one GP to the OGP. I think that since the GPs are putting your kids in this position which your kids are unable to handle then as the parents you are reasonable to not allow these GPs to have this kind of access to your children.

 

That's what I'm wondering, but it seems so extreme. The behavior seems extreme, too, though. I guess I'm just in disbelief. Surely I've misunderstood something, kwim? Because these are GOOD people! And then I go round & round w/...everybody has an error of judgment sometimes. But...she LIED about having dh's email. That's freakishly weird for someone so good & normal. She's not old enough to be senile....

 

That's it. It's not just that I'm angry, it's that I can't believe it.

[Starr]

I would not have been the good one to send an email. Good for dh to get right on it!

[*Jessica*]

*sigh* I don't feel like I can trust them. BUT it's not like they're *hurting* the kids, & so...maybe it's something to keep working at.

I don't agree. I think that their actions are extremely disrespectful and harmful. If you think they deserve one last chance, give it to them with the rules very clearly stated. Do not assume that they aren't hurting the kids because it's just movies. A year's worth of nightmares, refusal to use the bathroom alone for months, and a brand-new fear of the dark were certainly quite harmful in our case.

[8circles]

That's what I'm wondering, but it seems so extreme. The behavior seems extreme, too, though. I guess I'm just in disbelief. Surely I've misunderstood something, kwim? Because these are GOOD people! And then I go round & round w/...everybody has an error of judgment sometimes. But...she LIED about having dh's email. That's freakishly weird for someone so good & normal. She's not old enough to be senile....

 

That's it. It's not just that I'm angry, it's that I can't believe it.

 

I hear you. I'm not very articulate but I have some thoughts on this - I think that sometimes GPs think that they have earned the right to... undermine the parents. You know, like they "did their time" with their kids & suffered through parenthood & now they deserve to be able to spoil their grandkids. & I think that our society condones that to a degree & some families accept it more than others. I know that I'm willing to accept it to a degree - I turn a blind eye to candy or extra treats or staying up a bit later or even seeing a movie when I said I'd prefer not (but never an unapproved movie) etc. So I think it's just a matter of communicating that this is your line & they've crossed it. But it's hard to do.

[Margo out of lurking]

*I* have no problem speaking up; neither does dh. It's the kids.

 

But it's not your dc's responsibility to speak up in this situation. It's yours to protect them. You said in the thread that it was difficult for you to discuss this with them because you wanted to respect them, yet you want the children to speak up? Maybe I'm missing something?

 

I'd have no problem limiting contact. In fact, we've done it, although we had different issues. My kids continue to be shielded somewhat from a few of their grandparents. It is helpful that we live 3000 miles away (and we kind of joke that there's a reason for that).

[8circles]

But it's not your dc's responsibility to speak up in this situation. It's yours to protect them. You said in the thread that it was difficult for you to discuss this with them because you wanted to respect them, yet you want the children to speak up? Maybe I'm missing something?

 

I'd have no problem limiting contact. In fact, we've done it, although we had different issues. My kids continue to be shielded somewhat from a few of their grandparents. It is helpful that we live 3000 miles away (and we kind of joke that there's a reason for that).

 

Yes.:iagree:

[*Jessica*]

That's what I'm wondering, but it seems so extreme. The behavior seems extreme, too, though. I guess I'm just in disbelief. Surely I've misunderstood something, kwim? Because these are GOOD people! And then I go round & round w/...everybody has an error of judgment sometimes. But...she LIED about having dh's email. That's freakishly weird for someone so good & normal. She's not old enough to be senile....

 

That's it. It's not just that I'm angry, it's that I can't believe it.

That's how I felt the first few times. I adore Marc's parents. They are wonderful people and amazing ILs. They love my children and want to spend time with them. They would never, never, never do anything that they thought would harm my children. Their standards are so different from ours, though! They haven't had a child in a long time, and their perspective about what is appropriate or potentially scary isn't what it probably once was. Papa thought superhero movies were perfect for little boys. He figured skipping the scary scenes was enough. What he didn't anticipate was that some of the parts he thought were amazing were pretty scary for little ones. And he repeatedly ignored our instructions with regards to movies.

 

I understand, though, that you don't want to cut them off from spending time alone with your children. We didn't want to do that with Marc's parents, either! I hope that you don't have an incident that makes it clear that now is the time.

[Aubrey]

But it's not your dc's responsibility to speak up in this situation. It's yours to protect them. You said in the thread that it was difficult for you to discuss this with them because you wanted to respect them, yet you want the children to speak up? Maybe I'm missing something?

 

Shoot, I'm just wording it badly. Dh & I don't have a problem telling GPs that certain movies are not ok. After the fact, we have no problem, but it does feel more confrontational, which I hate, & they are very defensive, which makes it harder.

 

I do NOT believe it's the kids' responsibility to speak up in this situation, & that's part of what frustrates me. When GPs bring these movies out after we're gone, the kids are up against a wall. They don't know what to say, & I think that's not fair to them.

 

What makes it worse is I know that if I tell the kids that they can just flat out say, "We're not allowed to watch that," GPs will argue & say it's fine. If the kids ask to call us, GPs will be pouty & angry--not fair to the dc *at all.*

 

So my issue isn't w/ before hand--we really thought we had that covered. It's w/ the dc in the middle of it & then w/ afterward. Right now, dh thinks this is totally resolved, because he sent a sweet email. :glare:

 

Since GPs' response was to LIE, blame-shift (to OGP AND to ME), I don't see this as remotely resolved. (Um, I thought dh & I agreed about this.) Since they've done this at least 3 times in the last year (that I can think of), w/out once seeming genuinely sorry, yeah, I don't see how it's going to get better. Dh says, "You don't trust them." WHY would I???

 

I'm getting redundant, but she LIED. I'm not used to being lied to. I guess I still have a little-kid response to it: utter shock. I can't believe live, grown human beings lie.

 

I'd have no problem limiting contact. In fact, we've done it, although we had different issues. My kids continue to be shielded somewhat from a few of their grandparents. It is helpful that we live 3000 miles away (and we kind of joke that there's a reason for that).

 

I realized bil is getting married in 2mos, GP has a work conference that takes an entire month, & we're supposed to be moving out of state in the fall, if not before, so this actually could be the last time the kids spend the night w/ GPs ever, regardless of the movie situation. Instead of being relieved, though, that it could be a non-issue, dh was kind-of shocked, hurt, angry, defensive. I don't know. But now he doesn't want to talk about it. Which means it's "resolved." Cool. :glare:

[8circles]

So my issue isn't w/ before hand--we really thought we had that covered. It's w/ the dc in the middle of it & then w/ afterward. Right now, dh thinks this is totally resolved, because he sent a sweet email. :glare:

 

Which is why the only way to protect them is to not allow the visits. That sounds really harsh - I realize that this isn't life-or-death serious.

[Harriet Vane]

Tough situation.

 

I would absolutely forbid any movies that you have not personally picked out yourself. If (when?) the grandparents cross the line, remind them firmly.

 

Remind them each. and. every. time. you leave the kids with them.

 

Give your oldest a cell phone to call you if there is a problem. Oldest should be coached not to ask permission to call you--oldest should just call.

 

Do not *discuss* it any further--they have shown themselves unwilling to understand or to abide by your reasonable expectations. Just set the new rules and repeat, repeat, repeat. Do not explain, just repeat: "The kids cannot watch ANY movie unless I personally have given the okay to that movie."

[Aubrey]

Which is why the only way to protect them is to not allow the visits. That sounds really harsh - I realize that this isn't life-or-death serious.

 

We've had life-or-death serious w/ so many grandparents in previous generations, that I feel incredibly blessed to have such healthy, normal people in dc's life. The old experiences are coloring this one, but I don't know if it's for better or worse.

[Aubrey]

Tough situation.

 

I would absolutely forbid any movies that you have not personally picked out yourself. If (when?) the grandparents cross the line, remind them firmly.

 

Remind them each. and. every. time. you leave the kids with them.

 

Give your oldest a cell phone to call you if there is a problem. Oldest should be coached not to ask permission to call you--oldest should just call.

Do not *discuss* it any further--they have shown themselves unwilling to understand or to abide by your reasonable expectations. Just set the new rules and repeat, repeat, repeat. Do not explain, just repeat: "The kids cannot watch ANY movie unless I personally have given the okay to that movie."

 

I actually thought about this. I'll suggest it next time the opportunity comes up.

 

GPs *will* feel violated if they find out about the cell phone. Not saying that's a reason not to do it, just anticipating their reaction.

[8circles]

We've had life-or-death serious w/ so many grandparents in previous generations, that I feel incredibly blessed to have such healthy, normal people in dc's life. The old experiences are coloring this one, but I don't know if it's for better or worse.

 

I understand. :grouphug:

 

FYI, IMO disallowing the visits is a must, it's just an option. I know they're young but have you asked your kids what they'd like to do about it? Not that it's their responsibility or choice but sometimes kids have really good suggestions.

[Onceuponatime]

It seems to me that the simplest thing would be to just eliminate all television watching at GP's. Then noone has to worry about what they are watching. Is that an option?

[Aubrey]

I understand. :grouphug:

 

FYI, IMO disallowing the visits is a must, it's just an option. I know they're young but have you asked your kids what they'd like to do about it? Not that it's their responsibility or choice but sometimes kids have really good suggestions.

 

They complain about watching movies at GPs. I mean, they like movies, but, they want to *know* GPs. I've tried helping them pick good topics to ask GPs about so they can have "Big Conversations" as my kids call them, lol, but that hasn't been wildly successful.

 

In the end, I don't think *removing* ALL movies would work. We've got 4 dc, & GPs are understandably tired after caring for them overnight.

 

I'll ask the kids what they think. I imagine we'll just be sending movies w/ them if they go. Dh isn't going to say no more visits at this point, but like I said, it might not be an issue. We're hoping to move in the next month, but at the latest, it will be September. Throw in a big wedding & a month-long work seminar, & Sept is here in no time.

[Aubrey]

It seems to me that the simplest thing would be to just eliminate all television watching at GP's. Then noone has to worry about what they are watching. Is that an option?

 

That would be my choice, but they get pretty worn out w/ 4 dc. If they didn't spoil them so much, they'd be less worn out, lol, but GPs are 60 & only had 2 of their own. Two toddlers is a lot for anybody. We're different enough from them, too, that...I suspect that the bigs are kind-of draining, too...you know how it can be draining to be around people who are different from you, whether highly into sports, or very academic, or artsy or whatever? Even if you love ea other...?

 

What cracks me up, though, is the part of the email that says how the dc LOVE to watch movies over there. (They don't--GPs are that out of touch.)

[ChandlerMom]

IMO the issue here isn't the kids being upset or respecting the GPs, but their fundamental LACK of respect for you and dh as parents.

 

If it were me? Next time they wanted the kids to go there I would flat out say, "If they want to watch a movie it will be film X, Y, or Z. If you put on ANY other film the kids will not be staying here again."

 

Clearly they are putting the videos on because they're (understandably) worn out, but the point isn't whether they think movie X is ok but whether they think they get a vote AT ALL let alone can just do what they want and then lie about it.

 

Our dcs have 3 GPs alive, 2 out of state (one who can't travel so they haven't seen in 3yrs). My mom has always followed the rules of the house with all the grandkids. IF we told her they could only eat licorice for dinner, that's what she'd feed them. My MIL not so much and she was abusive of dh. Guess what -- MIL can visit but she has never and will never be left unsupervised with the kids at all. Respect your parents but ultimately you answer to your kids. In your case, the fact that the GPs are disrespectful to you is undoubtably confusing the kids and makes their world a little less stable. For that reason alone I wouldn't tolerate it. As to moving, yeah it helps but almost easier down the road on visits (where you'll be together for days) to settle this issue now.

 

Good luck!

 

[For the record, dh and I show each other the same respect: if I think something is too much for the kids, he won't show it even if he thinks it is fine. I do the same for him. Better to err on mutual respect than argue about who is "right" :p ]

[Trish]

They go over there once a month or less, & this isn't a problem every time, but when it is...they act all wide-eyed & innocent. They always say they'll be more careful, but...OG won't listen AT ALL (one of those sweet old men who just doesn't listen), & G...just always blames OG.

 

*sigh* I don't feel like I can trust them. BUT it's not like they're *hurting* the kids, & so...maybe it's something to keep working at.

 

Or maybe dh will get that job in NC & we can just give up on grandparents altogether. :crying:

 

Not "hurting" the kids physically doesn't mean they can't be hurt.

 

I tend to err on the conservative side with stuff like this, at 9 and 11 we let them do PG movies only. I don't really get why the GPs are intent on "picking the movie" when it's the kids who are supposed to be watching it? So let the KIDS pick it.

 

But, my kids have very active imaginations, and sometimes tend to dwell on certain scary images that can pop up even in PG movies, so that's why PG-13 is still off limits for our guys. (and when other people have had their kids at our house for a movie, many DO ask what we're showing, and we're happy to tell them!)

 

Eh, what is the "Twisting Head" movie? I'm assuming it isn't the Exorcist. (:eek:) Something animated with twisting heads?

 

In any case, I'd get the movie thing squared away WHEN you drop them off. Otherwise, I'd be disinclined to let them go. If it's Twisting Heads now, it may be Lord Knows What when the kids are a few years older and OG thinks they're old enough for "R."

[Pretty in Pink]

We have the same problem with my dh's grandparents (who are really more like in-laws, as they raised my dh in the absence of his parents). They kept the boys for a few hours one evening so that we could go to dinner; when we walked in the door, the four boys were all staring wide-eyed up at the big screen watching 'Flags of our Fathers'! Um...no! Holy. Cow.

 

A major part of the problem (in our situation) is that they raised my dh and his sister on these sorts of movies. I think they feel very judged by the limits that we place regarding movies and television. We're not even that picky, but it's fairly obvious that 'Revenge of the Nerds' is not for little boys, or 'Saving Private Ryan', or 'Braveheart'.

 

The only thing that has helped in our situation was for my dh to sort of put his foot down and just say, "No. They are not watching that." The night that we walked in on 'Flags of our Fathers' my dh was very upset, and he spoke up immediately about it. They respect him much more than they respect me, apparently. Now they will at least ask if a movie is rated PG-13 before showing it to the boys.

[Princess Peach]

I skimmed the other replies, so please forgive me if I'm repeating someone here, but...I see the movies as just a peripheral of the larger problem here, which is that the GPs do not respect your wishes in front of your children. In fact, they are undermining you in front of them. Honestly, it's very serious and I would be very blunt with them that your wishes are to be respected or else they need to come to your house to see their grandchildren.

[Aubrey]

Eh, what is the "Twisting Head" movie? I'm assuming it isn't the Exorcist. (:eek:) Something animated with twisting heads?

 

In any case, I'd get the movie thing squared away WHEN you drop them off. Otherwise, I'd be disinclined to let them go. If it's Twisting Heads now, it may be Lord Knows What when the kids are a few years older and OG thinks they're old enough for "R."

 

No, no, no--I did mean the Exorcist. My point was that it was nothing THAT bad!

 

Like pp, these are movies that dh (& I) watched growing up, & yeah, I'm sure they feel judged--or just profoundly confused?--that we don't want our dc watching them.

 

The most recent movie is only rated PG, & it's an older movie (early 80s), but it's extremely sad, confusing, frightening, & has quite a bit of bad language, innuendo, alcohol, etc. Stuff that's brand-spanking-new to our dc.

 

It was an understandable choice. Dh & I wanted to show it to the (big) kids last year. So we got it from the library & watched it (alone) & went Holy. Freaking. Cow. Our parents let us watch THAT???

[Punks in Ontario]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know it's hard when you're trying to build family relationships between generations.

 

My step mother tends to show inappropriate movies and have a fairly injured air over our different opinions. Since the guys would only go over for a couple of days per year, I could skate around it a fair bit. Now, the guys only see them when we're their or they come to our house - which is exceedingly rare. It's disappointing to see the relationship so limited, but I'm not willing to put my kids through that.

 

I hope you're able to find an easier middle ground.

[kchara]

My mom pulls the same stuff. Then she blames me for not being "clear" on my standards. (Yeah... not thinking Tales from the Crypt are EVER OK for a 4 and 5 year old...) Or, she'll blame her husband. After having to detox my kids' minds for a full year because of the nightmares she caused by letting them watch stuff behind my back, it's been decided she'll never have alone time with them again. It's just not worth it. I think you're fully justified in being angry, and I agree with the PPs, I'd severely limit contact. Our situation was one reason (of many) that we moved half way across the country from her.

[Aubrey]

My mom pulls the same stuff. Then she blames me for not being "clear" on my standards. (Yeah... not thinking Tales from the Crypt are EVER OK for a 4 and 5 year old...) Or, she'll blame her husband. After having to detox my kids' minds for a full year because of the nightmares she caused by letting them watch stuff behind my back, it's been decided she'll never have alone time with them again. It's just not worth it. I think you're fully justified in being angry, and I agree with the PPs, I'd severely limit contact. Our situation was one reason (of many) that we moved half way across the country from her.

 

See, this is where I wonder if I'm overreacting. They'd NEVER show the kids Tales from the Crypt or heads getting chopped off. These are movies plenty of other parents *do* let their kids watch...maybe not at 2, but definitely at 10. *We* don't, but they're not the stuff of life-long nightmares. Does that make a difference?

[BabyBre]

If you're not being respected as the parent and this seems to be fairly consistent, no more alone time at Grandma and Grandpa's. It's sad, but it happens. Could be worse.

[Miss Sherry]

..... BUT it's not like they're *hurting* the kids, & so...

:crying:

I disagree that they are not "hurting" the kids. They are training your kids to have the attitude that it's perfectly OK to do exactly what you - the parents - have told them not to do behind your back. Don't be surprised if these same grandparents continue to train your kids to sneak behind your back as the years go by. Good luck with the teen years, especially if you continue to put up with this nonsense.

[Aubrey]

I disagree that they are not "hurting" the kids. They are training your kids to have the attitude that it's perfectly OK to do exactly what you - the parents - have told them not to do behind your back. Don't be surprised if these same grandparents continue to train your kids to sneak behind your back as the years go by. Good luck with the teen years, especially if you continue to put up with this nonsense.

 

The tone of this seems quite sharp to me. If *we* continue to "put up with this nonsense," I think the fact that we talk to the kids & they see *us* respecting *our* parents will profoundly influence them. (They may lose some respect for GPs, sadly.)

 

The whole question here is how to deal w/ this situation in a way that is respectful to GPs. If we just cut them off at the first sign of a problem, I could see *that* creating problems in the teen years.

 

Because we care about both dc & GPs, this is a difficult situation. To oversimplify it & then threaten us with the loss of our children's respect is overboard, since I'm *asking* what to do, not ignoring it. :confused:

[kchara]

See, this is where I wonder if I'm overreacting. They'd NEVER show the kids Tales from the Crypt or heads getting chopped off. These are movies plenty of other parents *do* let their kids watch...maybe not at 2, but definitely at 10. *We* don't, but they're not the stuff of life-long nightmares. Does that make a difference?

 

That's one example, it's the one that sticks out most in my mind, but she also told me she was taking them to the Bee Movie, and they saw Transformers instead, things like that. To her, completely appropriate kids movies. After all, they were based off of cartoons! To me, not so much. You can't undo what you see. Your memory retains every single thing ever brought to it by your senses. So, I see it as completely harmful, if she's going against your standards like that. You are responsible for what your kids hearts and minds are filled with, and if you've drawn a line, for whatever reason, and she's not respecting that, she's harming them.

 

FWIW, my kids are strange... they had more nightmares from Transformers than they did Tales from the Crypt. LOL

[BabyBre]

I disagree that they are not "hurting" the kids. They are training your kids to have the attitude that it's perfectly OK to do exactly what you - the parents - have told them not to do behind your back. Don't be surprised if these same grandparents continue to train your kids to sneak behind your back as the years go by. Good luck with the teen years, especially if you continue to put up with this nonsense.

 

The tone of this seems quite sharp to me. If *we* continue to "put up with this nonsense," I think the fact that we talk to the kids & they see *us* respecting *our* parents will profoundly influence them. (They may lose some respect for GPs, sadly.)

 

The whole question here is how to deal w/ this situation in a way that is respectful to GPs. If we just cut them off at the first sign of a problem, I could see *that* creating problems in the teen years.

 

Because we care about both dc & GPs, this is a difficult situation. To oversimplify it & then threaten us with the loss of our children's respect is overboard, since I'm *asking* what to do, not ignoring it. :confused:

 

 

I agree with Miss Sherry. It seems counterintuitive to talk about respecting the grandparents when they're not respecting you as parents.

 

The difficult part is the emotional part - you love them, the kids love spending time with them. But the practical part is not difficult, it's clear. They're not respecting your parental authority, and if you allow it to continue your kids may very well learn that lesson. That's a deal breaker in my book.

 

Your roles have officially switched from son and daughter to parents.

[Amy in NH]

Say something like - "Sorry, our children won't be coming over to your house until you assure us that you won't put on any movie without okay-ing it with us first." And then if they still do it, refuse to take your dc over to their house(s) for a time.

 

This is what I would do. I am my child's parent; I get to make those decisions.