What if your dh REALLY wanted you to homeschool but....

[annandatje]

... Would you do it to please your dh or would you tell him forget it and put them in public school?

 

No, I would not do it to please my husband. He could afterschool the children.

[Catwoman]

Also, it is possible to choose to find contentment in any circumstance in life, and so while a person could hold onto resentment and bitterness over the years, I don't think that's the right thing to do. I would try to do it, and also choose to be content with it.

 

I guess it's possible for some people to find contentment in any circumstance, but I truly believe I'm not one of those people. I definitely wouldn't intentionally place myself in a position where I had to try to do that.

 

Cat

[PeterPan]

Well since the primary responders here are going to be people who DID get on board with it, I'll toss out a story of someone I know who didn't. The mom didn't feel confident in her ability to do it but went along with it to be obedient to her dh. They used the BJU online service, which was as good compromise, all things considered, reducing her planning load and giving her clear plans to work with. Midway into the 2nd year they were agreed the dc should go in school, and now the dc is and quite happy. So I think sometimes the dh is a little slow in realizing all that is required to homeschool and knowing that in fact it's NOT for all people. In this family's case a good school option appeared that has worked out well. I think if the family needs to homeschool and the mother isn't confidently onboard, something like the BJU online is a good idea. The dad may need to step up to the plate quite a bit.

[Peela]

I haven't read all the replies, but I can't imagine doing something that requires so much commitment without my whole heart being in it. I would not do it.

 

:iagree: with this.

IN my case, dh did understand the committment and it took several full blown fmaily confrontations ..with me having meltdowns about my capacity to teach ds anymore...before he grokked that it really was time ds went to school. Somehow he was still stuck on "ds would never survive in school with his learning disabilities" which really, I felt was not applicable any more. Even more...I felt it woudl be good for ds to go to school to learn that other kids dont just socialise all day, that they get homework, and also, hopefully, that he can survive and possibly thrive in the system now that he has some maturity.

I think dh was stuck in the homeschool identity when I was ready to move on and do what I felt was right now, which was to let it go and let our baby try the big wide world of school. I always trust, you know, that if its right for me, it must be right for ds too. I didnt want to fight him any more just to do the basics.

I dont think there is any clear cut answer ot such a question other than...if the mother can't find a yes in her heart, she shouldn't be doing it. Millions of kids do ok, even thrive and go on to lead fulfilling lives, at school too.

[PeterPan]

Thank you all so much for your input. This is about a real couple with one 5yo child and they are not having any more, the wife doesn't work, has never tried homeschooling but just doesn't want to do it. The husband feels VERY strongly that it should be done. The wife is talking to me about it asking my advice. It's very difficult to be unbiased since I think homeschooling is awesome and cannot see a reason for her to not at least TRY. ???

 

Yes, that is exactly the position our friends were in that I told you about, and it DIDN'T work over the long haul. Her issue was a lack of confidence academically. Not everyone is, kwim? Nothing was going to change that. Can your friend put reasons to why she doesn't want to? Then she can see if there are solutions. In some states homeschooling does not require the parent do all (or any) of the teaching. They could pay another homeschooling mom with similar age child to let theirs tag along. They could do the BJU online school. K5 needs so little time per day, they could literally continue as they are and let the dh do it with the dc in the evenings. I mean seriously, *he* could do all the teaching and during the day she could do crafts, read alouds, enrichment classes, etc. all the stuff she's probably doing already (the fun side of homeschooling).

[abbeyej]

No way. I think the primary homeschooling parent needs to be fully enthused & inspired.

 

I agree. The parent *doing* the home schooling *must* be fully on board, or it just won't work over the long haul (and possibly not the short term). There may be compromises to be made that can make it a more appealing prospect to the main teaching-parent, but if they truly *don't* want to do it, I don't see how it could ever be a positive experience -- for anyone.

[coffeegal]

When we got married dh was pro homeschooling and I was not. By the time our first child was born, I was on board. :001_smile:

 

That being said, a friend of dh's wanted his children homeschooled. The man and my dh spoke of me doing it since his wife wasn't interested. :001_huh: Thankfully his wife nixed the plan before I could. She informed her husband that if the children were homeschooled, they would homeschool the children. However she had no intention of homeschooling the children, and off to school the children went. Her husband now afterschools the children.

[Ritsumei]

We operate such that unless there are two YES votes, it's a NO. :)

 

 

:iagree:Yep, that's the way it is around here too. BUT. If it was that important that he'd ask in the first place, I'd consider & consider carefully.

[Teachin'Mine]

Thank you all so much for your input. This is about a real couple with one 5yo child and they are not having any more, the wife doesn't work, has never tried homeschooling but just doesn't want to do it. The husband feels VERY strongly that it should be done. The wife is talking to me about it asking my advice. It's very difficult to be unbiased since I think homeschooling is awesome and cannot see a reason for her to not at least TRY. ???

 

I agree with you - she should at least try. As you know, at 5 and 6yo school takes very little time. I'd talk with her more about what part she doesn't like about the idea. Maybe other mothers have been talking about how they're looking forward to full time school so they can have time to themselves. Or maybe she doesn't think she's "qualified" to teach. Or maybe homeschooling is just a foreign idea to her. Maybe you could give her some info on homeschool groups in your area. If she got involved for the rest of this year, then she'd meet other moms who are homeschooling and pro-homeschooling too.

[Carol in Cal.]

I'm reminded of the first time I went to a homeschooling presentation.

 

The local Christian homeschooling conference had an intro night that was free. Speakers mostly from HSLDA were there. They were talking more radically then (about 10 years ago) than I have heard them do lately, as if it's pretty much a Christian parent's obligation to homeschool their children. I was really put off by this, because I think it's not 'from God' that everyone should homeschool, even though I really wanted to.

 

Anyway, I attended wearing a teeshirt from Mothering Magazine because I hoped that others who were into attachment parenting AND were Christian would approach me and we could maybe form a kindergarten coop. No luck. Everyone was talking very earnestly about obligations and duties, no joy in the mix at all. I really liked being home with DD, but had had a good career as well, so I felt like you could take pleasure in a variety of paths, but no, no one in this group would admit to liking their jobs or liking staying at home with their children either.

 

I joined a group of mothers in the hall afterwards when one of them asked me a question. We all chatted for a little while. Then this woman who looked to be around 25 said sadly that she had finally figured out what she wanted to do with her life, that she had gotten an education and just finished recently, and had started a part time career that she really loved and felt was her life's work, and could juggle very well with being a Godly wife and mother, but had a 2 and 4 year old, and that her husband had decided that she should quit her job and homeschool next year. She didn't question this, but she seemed pretty down about it. She was dutifully looking at curriculum and learning how to do it, but it was a complete sacrifice for her. (She didn't sound all martyrish, just very sad.)

 

I felt so sorry for her, and I have often wondered how their family ended up. I would hate for my children to know that I had given up everything for them and was sad all the time. I would hate for them to think that being home with your children is always a sad and miserable thing. I think that it would be much better not to homeschool than to raise children that way.

Edited January 25, 2011 by Carol in Cal.

[Just Robyn]

If my dh couldn't (or wouldn't, whatever) stay home with the kids and I didn't want to then they would have gone to public school. If I weren't passionate about homeschooling I don't think I would do a very good job of it. I would be bitter about giving up my career and probably too depressed to do much of anything. I would also be very upset if my dh really thought that being female somehow made me the obvious parent to stay home.

[Tullia]

That could have described our family. I was convinced that ps could work, but dh really wanted me to hs. I asked dh for a year to think it over, did a lot of reading and even attended a convention, but still tried to make ps work. I did agree to try afterschooling in the interim because there were some obvious problems with our local schools.

 

My dh wanted to be a part of the long-range plans and was interested in day to day activities, but made it clear that he was willing to buy whatever curriculum I wanted so long as we could afford it. And, I did not need permission from dh to relax housekeeping expectations, but I did need him to remind me that it was ok to focus on safety, food, and school and fit the other stuff in where we could.

 

That said, I hs'ed an only child who is more extroverted than either dh or I. The big "S" is an issue that plays out differently with an only child than it does where there are several siblings. Most of the time we were able to find opportunities that allowed ds to take classes and just hang out with friends his age, but there were times he was lonely. I also know that sometimes the middle of a crowd can be lonely, too :). However, there were times hsing an only child made it necessary for us to go outside our comfort zone to provide ds with what he needed. Has your friend's dh thought about that aspect?

 

My deciding to homeschool took some time, and reading TWTM was the one thing that most affected my decision. I also think it helped that while my dh clearly wanted me to hs our son, he left the final decision up to me and he followed through with the support I asked for.

 

Just my two cents for what it's worth...Martha

[Hikin' Mama]

if I did not really want to. It's too big of a commitment. And I can totally understand why many people don't want to.

[ElizabethB]

Well, you really can do K in 20 to 30 minutes a day.

 

If Mom wants to work, can someone else watch the child and then Dad does school for 30 minutes after dinner?

 

If Mom just doesn't want to teach, can she stay home and then let Dad teach for 30 minutes after dinner?

 

(She could agree to watch once a week for a few months and then try out teaching once a week for a few months.)

 

Here is 10 minutes a day of Webster's Speller (We are actually 2 weeks beyond that, 2 more weeks of practicing silent e words.) For a girl, you should be much further along in 10 minutes a day!! (And, my son is much further along in math, as you can see in my signature, and I usually keep it short, although he would do math for 2 hours a day if I let him, but he only gets to do more than 10 or 15 minutes worth of math if there is no laundry or he put away the dishes, giving me extra time to do more math.)

 

10 minutes daily of math, 10 minutes daily of phonics, and either 5 minutes of history and 5 minutes science daily or alternate days for history and science. 2 minutes a day handwriting.