My bad attitude

[Paige]

Please. I need some help and maybe a mantra to repeat to myself under my breath or commiseration to know the kids are normal. I want to be patient and encouraging but I have such a hard time when I am trying to explain something to the kids and they seem so.....stupid. :crying: I think, how can they not get it when it is so simple? Like, the concept of more and fewer than we have been dealing with this week. I have been walking away in the middle of a lesson unable to watch them make the same mistakes over and over. I have paid my 9yr old to instruct them because I momentarily cannot take it.

 

I was a very gifted child and struggled with nothing. It isn't a brag, just the way I was. I cannot recall anything in school that I wasn't able to do well by the 2nd attempt. I know in my head that I probably shouldn't expect them to find everything easy but I really struggle because I cannot relate to why they don't get something. I have no idea what normal is, I have no idea how to relate to not getting something, and so I don't think I'm very good at knowing how to show them to work through it. I try to explain it a million ways and with different methods, and when they still don't get it, I start to think something is wrong with them or that they are just not paying any attention. And I know that if, by chance, they really were slow then it wouldn't be their fault and they would need more patience and kindness. I know all that. I know getting frustrated doesn't help and they can sense my growing exasperation and it makes it harder, and I want to understand them and help them without being frustrated. What do you say to yourself or do to remain pleasant and patient when the kids keep making the same mistakes over and over and over- and I don't mean over and over throughout the weeks and months of school. I mean, when they do something like add 2+3=7, erase it and write it again, erase and write it again over and over within 5minutes. (Which is not what they're doing, but it's the same idea.)

 

I don't need any comments telling me how getting upset is only making it harder for them. I know that and I hate it and want to be better for them!! And I know they aren't stupid- it's just an evil thought that enters my head when I feel frustrated and it makes me feel horrible and guilty for thinking it. But, they were very high risk at birth for learning disabilities so I know it's a real possibility that they may have some trouble processing certain things and it is always in the back of my mind. Which would only make my frustration worse....Sometimes I am amazed with how smart they are or how quickly they learn things, so I know they can learn and are smart and maybe it is just me having a lack of perspective. I need real practical behaviors I can implement for myself and them for when they aren't getting something that will help them without giving up on the subject and will help me to remain patient and encouraging.

[sahm99]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

:lurk5::lurk5::lurk5:

 

....you are not alone...

[Parrothead]

How old are they?

 

It is more than likely a maturity thing. They simply are not ready to understand the concepts you are trying to teach.

 

For example when dd was a brand new 4-year old I tried to teach her to read. Oh, we did lessons and reading prep and 100 Easy Lesson for two weeks. We never got past Lesson 3. She was not ready. I put it away and 5 months later reintroduced learning to read. Things clicked and she hasn't looked back. She is now doing 7th grade literature.

 

Same thing with spelling. We had the worst time. Spelling is a required subject in my state. I tried everything. Word walls, word lists, rote memorization, etc. This went on for two years. Then I dropped it. We started 3rd grade with a new 1st grade system and she picked it up and went with it. I don't know for sure if it was a maturity thing or if she needed the new way to do spelling (AAS is a hand-on spelling).

 

I've got the same question about math. I don't know if it was how I was teaching it or the approach. She did the first two years of math in second grade.

 

All of that to say, maybe if you back off for a while. No need to drive yourself crazy, make the kids hate school and have everyone miserable when simply waiting for a bit cures the problem.

[Ravin]

I just remind myself that DD's textbook was meant for 3rd grade. It was written back when they didn't start math instruction until then. It helps me chill and take the time she needs.

 

It could be a matter of frustration and lack of focus on their part because of frustration on your part. I know our lessons go more smoothly when I'm well rested; if I'm tired it makes me impatient and grumpy and DD will totally pick up on that and it's reflected in her behavior and performance. For me the hardest thing to be patient with was when DD insisted on having an imaginary class also taking the lessons. It was annoying, and I kept wondering why we couldn't just DO the lesson, which would have taken 5 minutes instead of the forty-five her way took. In the end, going along with her way was easier just because pushing her to knock it off meant dealing with temper tantrums I had even LESS patience for.

 

If they're not getting it, you may need a different approach or to take more frequent breaks or to have them do it while standing or standing on their heads...

 

I mostly channel my inner Spock to keep my cool, and remind myself that losing patience just makes it worse.

[Garga]

How old are they?

 

It is more than likely a maturity thing. They simply are not ready to understand the concepts you are trying to teach.

 

For example when dd was a brand new 4-year old I tried to teach her to read. Oh, we did lessons and reading prep and 100 Easy Lesson for two weeks. We never got past Lesson 3. She was not ready. I put it away and 5 months later reintroduced learning to read. Things clicked and she hasn't looked back. She is now doing 7th grade literature.

 

Same thing with spelling. We had the worst time. Spelling is a required subject in my state. I tried everything. Word walls, word lists, rote memorization, etc. This went on for two years. Then I dropped it. We started 3rd grade with a new 1st grade system and she picked it up and went with it. I don't know for sure if it was a maturity thing or if she needed the new way to do spelling (AAS is a hand-on spelling).

 

I've got the same question about math. I don't know if it was how I was teaching it or the approach. She did the first two years of math in second grade.

 

All of that to say, maybe if you back off for a while. No need to drive yourself crazy, make the kids hate school and have everyone miserable when simply waiting for a bit cures the problem.

 

 

1. How old are they?

 

2. If they are at risk for learning disabilities, when can they be tested, so that you KNOW how to deal with them?

 

3. The above quote is SO TRUE. Some things that they struggle with become crystal clear to them after a few months, or even a year, go by.

 

If they are preschool age, then whatever subjects they can't learn...I'd move on to something else. You don't HAVE to do preschool stuff at all. Wait for Kindergarten age.

[myfunnybunch]

I need real practical behaviors I can implement for myself and them for when they aren't getting something that will help them without giving up on the subject and will help me to remain patient and encouraging.

 

The example you gave, 2+3=7.....

 

I'd say, "Let's check." And do the problem with counting bears or pennies or pencils. "If I have two bears, and you give me three more, how many do I have? Let's count, 1,2,3,4,5. 2+3=5." I'd say it again while I write it on a white board, "Two plus three equals five." (We use small white boards for math. They are amazing tools. :) ) "Now you write it: (saying it again as the child writes) 2+3=5. Look at that! Two plus three equals....(pause for child to answer) Yes! 2+3=5!"

 

Then I'd take a break, either by moving on to another problem or taking a break altogether and coming back to it later. Instead of using five minutes to have the child calculate the problem incorrectly several times, that five minutes has been used to present the math fact several times correctly using manipulatives and visual and auditory input. (This is the key principle that you can apply to many areas of learning.) Then, particularly if there's a chance of learning disabilities, you step back and give the information time to settle before asking them to use it independently.

 

If your 9 y.o. is helping with some of the teaching (no flames, older kiddos can do a great job and make it fun!), I am assuming that these are pretty young kiddos? If so, they've got time. Remind yourself of that too. At a young age, the work habit you want to instill is confidence in learning. Allowing them time to process helps them to feel successful, which will help as they transition into the stage where you're really focusing on persistence and good work habits.

 

:)

 

Cat

[Paige]

They are 6; almost 7. One of them was officially tested for special education before starting kindergarten. I assume they were testing for learning disabilities too but I'm not 100% on what all the questions were for. She did not qualify for any services and scored above her age on most cognitive things. She was only slightly behind for some physical abilities that would be expected because of her disability. They are very similar in their abilities and the way they process information so I think if one was fine the other is as well. I was told that things may show up later but their teachers have always assured me they are fine. I think most of it is my problem because I can't relate to not understanding how to do something academic.

 

I won't make them do the exact same problem over and over until they get it. I'll see they made a mistake and then we will walk through how to do it right, then they may get it right with me, next I'll see if they can do the next problem on their own and they revert back to doing it whatever way they did the first time that messed them up. Sort of like in reading- they sound it out correctly sometimes, then when they say the word they just sounded out, they switch it to something off the wall. Or, they may misspell a word in a sentence. I'll tell them how to write it and I'll even write it myself in the margin, but when they erase it and rewrite the sentence they'll misspell the same word the same way. Then cry about it.

 

I think taking breaks would help them and I will try it more. I do offer to let them take a break and try again later but they will cry and say no and talk me out of making them take a break. I think it is because they want to get it right and they seem to think taking a break means they have failed. I think I'll talk to them sometime after school about how breaks can help them and it's ok to take a break and come back to something later. Usually when they persuade me to keep going after I offer to let them do it later, that is when I end up getting too frustrated myself because pushing on past that point rarely ends well. I should trust my instincts more and stop when I think their brains have turned to mush.

 

Thanks for the gentle and helpful ideas. I have recruited the 9yr old to come up with a game to play with them to help them understand their math today before we try again tonight or tomorrow. I have no guilt for paying him to do it! He is an excellent tutor and he likes it and they like it.

[Peela]

I was like you and my daughter is too- gets things very easily.

My son doesn't and it has been a huge learning of patience for me to work at his pace and not jump over steps that I would think would be grasped intuitively.

Games are good, and short lessons.

The one mistake I made was always trying to jump ahead of his actual ability, because I didnt want him to be "behind". Yet I now wish I had spent longer at the earlier stages and not tried to rush him- it always backfired and we always had to go back to go over the fundamental concepts again and again.

I dont know...for me it has just been a character issue for myself. My dh is more like my son and often had to help me calm down- he could empathise more than me, with ds. But over the years I have become patient.

[helena]

:grouphug:

Maybe it could help to adopt a different teaching philosophy than the one you're using now?

For example, Montessori has a very deliberate, methodical way to teach. The teacher presents the work, the child works at it on his own (everything is self correcting), and then teacher tests. The teacher does little talking and interfering. All new work has some familiar element, so the child always feels a little successful (which can be extra important for some kids).

Or, maybe looking into something like Charlotte Mason, where a lot of work can be done orally, lots of outdoor time, learning through observation.

 

Maybe presenting 3+4 needs to be done in a whole different way.

 

Also, not sure if this will help, but a while back I was a the end of my rope so I posted here for some help. I've tried very hard to follow some of these suggestions, and thing have actually improved. Don't be too hard on yourself, we all get stuck in what can seem like a hopeless rut. But we have the ability to change habits, try new things, and solve our problems. :grouphug: http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=215554&highlight=crabby

[kalanamak]

Please. I need some help and maybe a mantra to repeat to myself under my breath or commiseration to know the kids are normal. I want to be patient and encouraging but I have such a hard time when I am trying to explain something to the kids and they seem so.....stupid. :crying: I think, how can they not get it when it is so simple? Like, the concept of more and fewer than we have been dealing with this week.

 

:grouphug: I have learned to just "care" less. It seems he gets it at his own speed and me sweating over keeping the schedule doesn't make it go any faster. Some days he adds numbers in his head, including negative numbers....other days he has trouble remembering what comes after 7. It is veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery slowly getting better. We are on his biological clock, not my intellectual one. :grouphug: Some day this will seem funny.

[rwilliams]

Try to find a computer type game that would reinforce the same concept. Math facts with my son were frustrating to me but the right computer game where I did not have to watch all the careless mistakes solved that problem. But when I know my son is capable of focusing and concentrating but is not exerting the mental energy...I treat it like misbehavior and require more effort. That is different from trying your best but just not understanding or grasping the idea. In that case...a different approach may help.

[KatieH]

Please. I need some help and maybe a mantra to repeat to myself under my breath or commiseration to know the kids are normal. I want to be patient and encouraging but I have such a hard time when I am trying to explain something to the kids and they seem so.....stupid. :crying: I think, how can they not get it when it is so simple?

 

Wow, I so identify with this! I also did very well in school, and other than math, never struggled with anything. I get very frustrated very fast with my 9 year old. A lot of what frustrates me is that she won't even try much of the time, she just wants me to give her all the answers. For example, she was working on a Latin review page this week. I told her, it's a review of lessons 11-15, all the answers are in those lessons, so if you don't know, just look back. Well, guess what? Question number TWO she whines that she can't find it. So I tell her to look, starting with lesson 11, and oh, look! There it is, the fourth vocabulary word on the first freaking lesson we're reviewing. So, she didn't even bother to look. :glare: It really drives me nuts.

 

 

But when I know my son is capable of focusing and concentrating but is not exerting the mental energy...I treat it like misbehavior and require more effort.

 

Yes, this is exactly the issue I have with dd1. It's not so much that she's not capable of understanding, she just won't try. She does the same thing with math story problems, she won't even read it before whining and pouting that she doesn't know how to do it. So I tell her that she has to make an effort before I'll help her, but then she just slops a random answer down. And she's a good reader, so it's not an issue with that.

[Joyfullyblessed]

Hello,

 

So sorry that things are so tough right now. Just know that it will get better.

 

I wanted to just throw out a couple of ideas concerning math. I have a six year old also that I am homeschooling. He does not love math, but he does enjoy it more when we are learning by playing games.

 

We have the game Sum Swamp which he just LOVES! It teaches addition, subtraction, greater than/less than, and odd/even numbers. It is a lot of fun! It may be something that you might want to invest in for your children. Even your 9 year old would probably enjoy playing with them. It has really helped my son learn his facts well.

 

Also, with the odd and even numbers, we have our daily calendar and I have the odd numbers in black and the even numbers in red. When we put the date up each day, I would ask if it was an odd or even number. Then, I would have my son look at all the days so far and tell me the odd numbers (he would look at the black ones and tell me) and then the even. It worked wonderful and now he knows all his odd and even numbers. **This also helped him learn to count by 2's easily because all I would tell him is "tell me the even numbers" which was counting by 2's! :)

 

Another fun game is number or word Bingo. You can purchase these type games in the store, but I just made my own. You could write different answers on the Bingo card, and then call out 4+3= and they would have to find the correct answer. Once they get Bingo!, then give them a small reward. My son LOVES this game too.

 

I don't know if any of these things will help, but I found that if I make learning more interactive and fun for my son, he learns much quicker. If I try and sit him at the table for two hours straight and just give him verbal instructions and worksheets, he fades very quickly and does not focus.

 

Best of luck with everything!!!

[lionfamily1999]

This may sound silly, but I recommend you calling a blue collar worker with a "simple" problem (ie, my car is hesitating between gears). Hopefully, you'll come across one that likes to explain what's going on. Now, listen to them go on for a few minutes and feel your brain melting.

 

It took a number of conversations with my dh (a mechanic) before I figured out that there are some things in life I just cannot grasp. After that, I had a lot more compassion for the kids when they ran into problems.

 

I recommend blue collar, because in general they're not considered as bright as, say, a college graduate. Finding out the technical aspects of their jobs and how difficult it is to understand those technical aspects is much more humbling than having a rocket scientist make you feel like an empty headed ninny muggin.

 

If the issues are math related, then I recommend using manipulatives for awhile. Sometimes you just have to see it to believe it.

[texasmama]

I tell myself that my child like this is doing the best he can. He is not intentionally being obtuse or slow. He has learning issues. Even kids without learning issues can struggle to get concepts. This can simple be developmental, meaning that they are not ready to grasp the concept. Rather than struggling through a concept that my kids repeatedly don't grasp, I slow down and wait...or approach it in a different manner.

 

I would gently and firmly encourage you NOT to label any of thie behaviors of your kids as "stupid", even in your head. (I don't think you say this to them.) That colors the way you approach it and think about it and thus affects your frustration level. At some point, if you continue to think along these lines, it will come across to your kids, even if you never say the actual words. Our thoughts have a lot of power.

 

I, too, was a kid to whom things came easily. That has positive and negative results. Being a bit slower to grasp a concept is not all bad. It teaches persistence, something that super smart kids don't learn until later. Persistence is a wonderful thing. :001_smile: