Harriet Vane Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 (edited) Folks, a couple years ago I stumbled on something that revolutionized holiday family parties for me. I want to share this again here as people are gearing up to meet family holiday obligations. While my dh's family are the nicest people on the planet, and spending time with them is a joy, spending time with some of my relatives can be quite difficult. I come from a deeply unhappy family. I choose to spend time with them because I love my sisters and WANT to see THEM, and because I want to "be there" for the many children growing up in the family. The real problem is that unhappy, dysfunctional people do not know how to be otherwise. They are, in many ways, truly unable to behave better. Even if they come to the point where they can recognize that something is wrong and changes need to be made, they often do not know specifically how to do better. And of course, many unhappy people never do recognize the need for change. With this in mind, a couple years ago I really wanted to throw a lovely holiday party. There are a LOT of young kids growing up in my family, and I wanted them to have the kind of fun at the holidays that my own dh had with his lovely family growing up. Also I wanted my senile grandma and brain-damaged aunt to have a good Christmas. The difficulty was knowing that my relatives are bitter, dysfunctional, unhappy people who would ruin the effort. I prayed about a solution specifically, and felt led (yes, literally led) to ask my dh's mother to come to the party. My darling mil is just the smilingest, happiest, chuckling, happily-chattering lady, EVER. Everybody likes her. She's the fun, happy center of every party. My dear mil thought I wanted help in the kitchen and was flabbergasted when I told her I wanted (no, needed) her to stay in the living room with my relatives and just chatter and enjoy. It worked. The presence of a stranger in our midst (even though mil is not really a stranger to any of them, but you know what I mean) put everyone on better behavior, or "company manners." And, not only were they able to hold onto common courtesy because of mil's presence, they were also able to actually relax, enjoy, even laugh together. They just followed mil's lead. And for dear mil, this was effortless because this is just the kind of person she is. The principle is the same as tomato-staking a child. Remember that term? The idea is that a child who is misbehaving needs to be staked to a more mature coach, just as a young plant needs to be staked to something straight and strong to be trained to grow. So a child who is misbehaving just has to spend more time directly with Mom (or Dad or whomever). It's not something that is implemented unpleasantly or punitively--it's a recognition that the misbehaving child needs to be oriented and coached towards a better mindset and kinder behavior. In the same way, my unhappy relatives needed to be "staked" to someone who knows how to behave, and knows how to be happy. They are unable to find their way to that mindset and behavior themselves, but are able to follow the lead of someone who is stronger. Edited December 9, 2010 by strider Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 What a wonderful idea, Joy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 This is really brilliant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
springmama Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 Great idea! Thanks for sharing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurad1125 Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 WOW! That's an awesome idea!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwi mum Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 :party:I love it. Can I borrow your MIL? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 I think it sounds fantastic. Our families live more than 40 hours apart though (My family 30 hours from us, his 5 hours). I wish we lived closer. Your mil sounds wonderful btw. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 love it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 Thanks!! Folks, a couple years ago I stumbled on something that revolutionized holiday family parties for me. I want to share this again here as people are gearing up to meet family holiday obligations. While my dh's family are the nicest people on the planet, and spending time with them is a joy, spending time with some of my relatives can be quite difficult. I come from a deeply unhappy family. I choose to spend time with them because I love my sisters and WANT to see THEM, and because I want to "be there" for the many children growing up in the family. The real problem is that unhappy, dysfunctional people do not know how to be otherwise. They are, in many ways, truly unable to behave better. Even if they come to the point where they can recognize that something is wrong and changes need to be made, they often do not know specifically how to do better. And of course, many unhappy people never do recognize the need for change. With this in mind, a couple years ago I really wanted to throw a lovely holiday party. There are a LOT of young kids growing up in my family, and I wanted them to have the kind of fun at the holidays that my own dh had with his lovely family growing up. Also I wanted my senile grandma and brain-damaged aunt to have a good Christmas. The difficulty was knowing that my relatives are bitter, dysfunctional, unhappy people who would ruin the effort. I prayed about a solution specifically, and felt led (yes, literally led) to ask my dh's mother to come to the party. My darling mil is just the smilingest, happiest, chuckling, happily-chattering lady, EVER. Everybody likes her. She's the fun, happy center of every party. My dear mil thought I wanted help in the kitchen and was flabbergasted when I told her I wanted (no, needed) her to stay in the living room with my relatives and just chatter and enjoy. It worked. The presence of a stranger in our midst (even though mil is not really a stranger to any of them, but you know what I mean) put everyone on better behavior, or "company manners." And, not only were they able to hold onto common courtesy because of mil's presence, they were also able to actually relax, enjoy, even laugh together. They just followed mil's lead. And for dear mil, this was effortless because this is just the kind of person she is. The principle is the same as tomato-staking a child. Remember that term? The idea is that a child who is misbehaving needs to be staked to a more mature coach, just as a young plant needs to be staked to something straight and strong to be trained to grow. So a child who is misbehaving just has to spend more time directly with Mom (or Dad or whomever). It's not something that is implemented unpleasantly or punitively--it's a recognition that the misbehaving child needs to be oriented and coached towards a better mindset and kinder behavior. In the same way, my unhappy relatives needed to be "staked" to someone who knows how to behave, and knows how to be happy. They are unable to find their way to that mindset and behavior themselves, but are able to follow the lead of someone who is stronger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 9, 2010 Author Share Posted December 9, 2010 :party:I love it. Can I borrow your MIL? LOL--We did joke after that party that this could be a whole new career for her attending dysfunctional family parties. She was tickled to be able to help in such an enjoyable way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaAkins Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 That is wonderful! It sounds like you have a very special relationship with your MIL! Can I borrow her?!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 This is brilliant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 Yeah, I would like to borrow her, too. I've quit going to holiday gatherings. Between my dad's scrooch-like attitude and the rest of the family's dysfunction, it horrible. It's especially bad now that my father has been unemployed for over a year; he official canceled all holidays last year when he was first laid off. I want to be nowhere near him this year, not even on the phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherGoose Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 That really is true! My situation is reversed, in that my family is not dysfunctional, but my dh's is, but when my family is around, they behave much better than when they are not. Proof, IMHO, that they actually DO know how to behave, they just choose, in part at least, to behave badly. I am sure I am less sympathetic to my in-laws plight than I would be to them if they were my actual relatives though :) Whatever the reason, it works! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Medieval Mom Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 Just chiming in to say that the OP's technique really does work! I have used it time and again by inviting my parents when my inlaws come for their yearly, very LONG visit. It works every time! My inlaws are *almost* normal around my parents, even somewhat kind and humorous. Without their presence.... Yikes!:tongue_smilie: The ocean that lies between us is just about the right distance for us to feel peace. (They live in Europe.) On the flip side, my relatives never knew for years how horrible my inlaws were... "They seem so NICE." :glare: "Yes... When YOU are there! ;)" :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 This is really brilliant! :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVA Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 YOu are a wise woman!:hurray: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 What a brilliant solution! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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