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PSA: Coping with Dysfunctional Relatives at Parties Through the Buddy System

Harriet Vane
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Harriet Vane

Harriet Vane

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Folks, a couple years ago I stumbled on something that revolutionized holiday family parties for me. I want to share this again here as people are gearing up to meet family holiday obligations.

 

While my dh's family are the nicest people on the planet, and spending time with them is a joy, spending time with some of my relatives can be quite difficult. I come from a deeply unhappy family. I choose to spend time with them because I love my sisters and WANT to see THEM, and because I want to "be there" for the many children growing up in the family.

 

The real problem is that unhappy, dysfunctional people do not know how to be otherwise. They are, in many ways, truly unable to behave better. Even if they come to the point where they can recognize that something is wrong and changes need to be made, they often do not know specifically how to do better. And of course, many unhappy people never do recognize the need for change.

 

With this in mind, a couple years ago I really wanted to throw a lovely holiday party. There are a LOT of young kids growing up in my family, and I wanted them to have the kind of fun at the holidays that my own dh had with his lovely family growing up. Also I wanted my senile grandma and brain-damaged aunt to have a good Christmas. The difficulty was knowing that my relatives are bitter, dysfunctional, unhappy people who would ruin the effort.

 

I prayed about a solution specifically, and felt led (yes, literally led) to ask my dh's mother to come to the party. My darling mil is just the smilingest, happiest, chuckling, happily-chattering lady, EVER. Everybody likes her. She's the fun, happy center of every party. My dear mil thought I wanted help in the kitchen and was flabbergasted when I told her I wanted (no, needed) her to stay in the living room with my relatives and just chatter and enjoy.

 

It worked. The presence of a stranger in our midst (even though mil is not really a stranger to any of them, but you know what I mean) put everyone on better behavior, or "company manners." And, not only were they able to hold onto common courtesy because of mil's presence, they were also able to actually relax, enjoy, even laugh together. They just followed mil's lead. And for dear mil, this was effortless because this is just the kind of person she is.

 

The principle is the same as tomato-staking a child. Remember that term? The idea is that a child who is misbehaving needs to be staked to a more mature coach, just as a young plant needs to be staked to something straight and strong to be trained to grow. So a child who is misbehaving just has to spend more time directly with Mom (or Dad or whomever). It's not something that is implemented unpleasantly or punitively--it's a recognition that the misbehaving child needs to be oriented and coached towards a better mindset and kinder behavior.

 

In the same way, my unhappy relatives needed to be "staked" to someone who knows how to behave, and knows how to be happy. They are unable to find their way to that mindset and behavior themselves, but are able to follow the lead of someone who is stronger.

Edited by strider
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Halftime Hope

Halftime Hope

Posted
Posted

Thanks!!

Folks, a couple years ago I stumbled on something that revolutionized holiday family parties for me. I want to share this again here as people are gearing up to meet family holiday obligations.

 

While my dh's family are the nicest people on the planet, and spending time with them is a joy, spending time with some of my relatives can be quite difficult. I come from a deeply unhappy family. I choose to spend time with them because I love my sisters and WANT to see THEM, and because I want to "be there" for the many children growing up in the family.

 

The real problem is that unhappy, dysfunctional people do not know how to be otherwise. They are, in many ways, truly unable to behave better. Even if they come to the point where they can recognize that something is wrong and changes need to be made, they often do not know specifically how to do better. And of course, many unhappy people never do recognize the need for change.

 

With this in mind, a couple years ago I really wanted to throw a lovely holiday party. There are a LOT of young kids growing up in my family, and I wanted them to have the kind of fun at the holidays that my own dh had with his lovely family growing up. Also I wanted my senile grandma and brain-damaged aunt to have a good Christmas. The difficulty was knowing that my relatives are bitter, dysfunctional, unhappy people who would ruin the effort.

 

I prayed about a solution specifically, and felt led (yes, literally led) to ask my dh's mother to come to the party. My darling mil is just the smilingest, happiest, chuckling, happily-chattering lady, EVER. Everybody likes her. She's the fun, happy center of every party. My dear mil thought I wanted help in the kitchen and was flabbergasted when I told her I wanted (no, needed) her to stay in the living room with my relatives and just chatter and enjoy.

 

It worked. The presence of a stranger in our midst (even though mil is not really a stranger to any of them, but you know what I mean) put everyone on better behavior, or "company manners." And, not only were they able to hold onto common courtesy because of mil's presence, they were also able to actually relax, enjoy, even laugh together. They just followed mil's lead. And for dear mil, this was effortless because this is just the kind of person she is.

 

The principle is the same as tomato-staking a child. Remember that term? The idea is that a child who is misbehaving needs to be staked to a more mature coach, just as a young plant needs to be staked to something straight and strong to be trained to grow. So a child who is misbehaving just has to spend more time directly with Mom (or Dad or whomever). It's not something that is implemented unpleasantly or punitively--it's a recognition that the misbehaving child needs to be oriented and coached towards a better mindset and kinder behavior.

 

In the same way, my unhappy relatives needed to be "staked" to someone who knows how to behave, and knows how to be happy. They are unable to find their way to that mindset and behavior themselves, but are able to follow the lead of someone who is stronger.

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joannqn

joannqn

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Yeah, I would like to borrow her, too. I've quit going to holiday gatherings. Between my dad's scrooch-like attitude and the rest of the family's dysfunction, it horrible. It's especially bad now that my father has been unemployed for over a year; he official canceled all holidays last year when he was first laid off. I want to be nowhere near him this year, not even on the phone.

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MotherGoose

MotherGoose

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That really is true! My situation is reversed, in that my family is not dysfunctional, but my dh's is, but when my family is around, they behave much better than when they are not. Proof, IMHO, that they actually DO know how to behave, they just choose, in part at least, to behave badly. I am sure I am less sympathetic to my in-laws plight than I would be to them if they were my actual relatives though :) Whatever the reason, it works!

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Medieval Mom

Medieval Mom

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Just chiming in to say that the OP's technique really does work! I have used it time and again by inviting my parents when my inlaws come for their yearly, very LONG visit. It works every time! My inlaws are *almost* normal around my parents, even somewhat kind and humorous. Without their presence.... Yikes!:tongue_smilie: The ocean that lies between us is just about the right distance for us to feel peace. (They live in Europe.) On the flip side, my relatives never knew for years how horrible my inlaws were... "They seem so NICE." :glare: "Yes... When YOU are there! ;)" :D

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