Down-Syndrome twin???

[Joy at Home]

But why would adoptive parents get a pass if birth parents don't? Or are you only giving them a pass because the baby isn't healthy, as in it would be okay for birth parents to relinquish custody if it wasn't a healthy DS baby, but not if it was, and it would be okay for adoptive parents to back out if it wasn't a healthy DS baby, but not if it was? I can't see it as possibly being fair to hold the birth parents to a higher standard than adoptive parents.

 

Honestly, I still don't agree with any of this idea that birth parents should keep a DS baby if it's one of twins. That doesn't even make sense. So if it's a singleton birth, they should feel fine about giving it up, but not if it's a twin? And yet they shouldn't abort, so???? There is just no end to the things people will find to judge someone about, is there?

 

 

This is not about judging parents, it's about advocating for people with disabilities. Yes, I think it's sad that families feel they could not support a child with special needs. Yes, I am sad that there are not enough community supports to offer these familes enough help so that they can. And yes, I do find it particularly sad that twins are separated because one has DS. In this particular case, details surfacing may indicate the baby is medically fragile and may very well never leave the hospital. But I have to wonder if the DS baby was healthy and ready to go home, if they would welcome him home or reject him because of a cognitive disability.

[Rivka]

Children with disabilities are much more likely to be abused by their parents than healthy children. This was my dissertation topic, so I've studied the research in this area extensively.

 

The stresses placed on families can be massive and overwhelming. Yes, there is assistance available, but depending on where you are located and what your life situation is, the offered assistance may be dramatically less than what you need.

 

As a society, we often like to think that parents of disabled children are saints with endless patience and courage, who are automatically able to handle whatever is thrown at them. Often that is true. Other times it is not.

 

This is a very sad story, and I hope a loving home is found for that baby. But I can only applaud those who are not capable of providing that loving home for realizing their limits, and taking appropriate action. I wish that everyone who didn't want to parent a child would relinquish.

[Mejane]

I cannot be angry with a family for realizing their limitations in raising a child. This baby is much better off in a loving adoptive home than in one where it is unwanted.

 

:iagree: Completely.

[mom2denj]

I cannot be angry with a family for realizing their limitations in raising a child. This baby is much better off in a loving adoptive home than in one where it is unwanted. Babies with Down's are highly adoptable in the US.

 

But it is wrong because they seperated twins.......so sad!!!!!!

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Just for the record, I was always told by doctors that DNR does not mean Do Not Treat. It strictly means do not resuscitate if the patient is found without a pulse or without breathing. I took care of many patients in critical care who had DNR orders. Now living wills can specify more things that a patient wants or does not want done. As for this child, I cannot comment since we do not have all of the facts. I do know that in some cases DNR is a good thing and I would want it for myself or family members under dire circumstances. As for the parents, I don't think we can criticize since we are not in their shoes and legally they are allowed to put up their child for adoption.

[Melinda in VT]

But it is wrong because they seperated twins.......so sad!!!!!!

 

I don't think separation from a twin at birth is any worse than the separation from the mother at birth that all adopted newborn babies experience.

 

And with one twin medically fragile (apparently) and the other not, they would have been separated during the fragile baby's hospital stay in any case, even if they did end up living in the same family eventually.

[sassenach]

This is not about judging parents, it's about advocating for people with disabilities. Yes, I think it's sad that families feel they could not support a child with special needs. Yes, I am sad that there are not enough community supports to offer these familes enough help so that they can. And yes, I do find it particularly sad that twins are separated because one has DS. In this particular case, details surfacing may indicate the baby is medically fragile and may very well never leave the hospital. But I have to wonder if the DS baby was healthy and ready to go home, if they would welcome him home or reject him because of a cognitive disability.

 

As the mom of a severely disabled child, I reject this. In no way does forcing a family to raise a child that is beyond their abilities benefit the child. This is the opposite of advocating. That child deserves committed parents as much as the next kid. This is the best available outcome for this baby. And thank God that these parents realized this sooner rather than later.

[MyBlueLobsters]

As the mom of a severely disabled child, I reject this. In no way does forcing a family to raise a child that is beyond their abilities benefit the child. This is the opposite of advocating. That child deserves committed parents as much as the next kid. This is the best available outcome for this baby. And thank God that these parents realized this sooner rather than later.

 

:iagree:

[Parrothead]

As the mom of a severely disabled child, I reject this. In no way does forcing a family to raise a child that is beyond their abilities benefit the child. This is the opposite of advocating. That child deserves committed parents as much as the next kid. This is the best available outcome for this baby. And thank God that these parents realized this sooner rather than later.

:iagree:So very true.

 

And it is twins. One newborn/infant is enough to care for. A single pair of normal twins is a great deal of work. It is exhausting - physically, emotionally and mentally. I can only imagine the dedication and commitment it would take to raise one child with severe disabilities. Throw in a second infant, healthy or not, and I imagine that is a recipe for abuse, neglect or worse.

[MyBlueLobsters]

This was posted this AM on the DS board on FB

 

 

 

"From ACH:

Arkansas Children's Hospital is very familiar with Down syndrome and its associated challenges having treated several hundred similar cases over the years, and we are pleased to bring that expertise to bear on this child's care. While this tiny baby has been in our care, the infant has encountered some serious medical challenges; however, the child is not on DNR (comfort care). We're happy to report that the patient is responding to treatment and doing better. In addition, the child is not available for adoption.

Arkansas Children’s Hospital is committed to providing exceptional health care services for Arkansas' most precious resource — our children. Our care, love and hope extend to each and every child regardless of the physical or emotional problems they face; it is our mission to give these kids a fighting chance and anything less is absolutely unacceptable.

Dan McFadden, APR

Director of Communications

Arkansas Children's Hospital"

[Joy at Home]

As the mom of a severely disabled child, I reject this. In no way does forcing a family to raise a child that is beyond their abilities benefit the child. This is the opposite of advocating. That child deserves committed parents as much as the next kid. This is the best available outcome for this baby. And thank God that these parents realized this sooner rather than later.

 

Who is talking about forcing parents? Empowering them is more like it. It is obviously their right to give a baby up because of their disability. Yes, some families are just not capable, because of extenuating circumstances, to care for a special needs child. But how can some families really know? Yes, it stretches you in every possible way, but the rewards are immense. Someone accused me of being pollyanna - maybe so. But I'm sure many a family thought they "wouldn't be able to handle it" - who would? But the human spirit has an incredible way of adapting to a given situation. Yes, I do advocate for the child - the child that deserves to grow up with their biological family whenever possible. Some claim that DS babies are very adoptable. That may be the case for some. But what of the child who does not have a loving family to raise it? Please don't trick yourself into thinking that for every family who gives up a special needs child there is a loving, strong family to adopt it. There is not. Flash forward ten years to the residential facility who will possibly be raising that child and tell me if that is a better outcome for them.

Edited November 23, 2010 by Momto5girls

[MyBlueLobsters]

Who is talking about forcing parents? Empowering them is more like it. It is obviously their right to give a baby up because of their disability. Yes, some families are just not capable, because of extenuating circumstances, to care for a special needs child. But how can some families really know? Yes, it stretches you in every possible way, but the rewards are immense. Someone accused me of being pollyanna - maybe so. But I'm sure many a family thought they "wouldn't be able to handle it" - who would? But the human spirit has an incredible way of adapting to a given situation. Yes, I do advocate for the child - the child that deserves to grow up with their biological family whenever possible. Some claim that DS babies are very adoptable. That may be the case for some. But what of the child who does not have a loving family to raise it? Please don't trick yourself into thinking that for every family who gives up a special needs child there is a loving, strong family to adopt it. There is not. Flash forward ten years to the residential facility who will possibly be raising that child and tell me if that is a better outcome for them.

 

I agree that probably most of the fear comes from lack of knowledge. Once you are thrown into that situation, you learn a new way to adapt to your new life. However, speaking only about Down syndrome, I know there is a 2 year long waiting list in the US for parents (most of whom have older kids with DS) waiting to adopt. The reason the list is so long is that the abortion rate is so high that *most* babies with Down syndrome that are unwanted are aborted before birth. If an unwanted baby with DS was born, I would MUCH rather the parents give them up for adoption than take them home and possibly resent them. (However, I can almost promise that if they took them home, they would be thankful they did....)

[sassenach]

Semantics. All I see here is shaming, not empowering. I had my son at the age of 20. I know all about rising to the occasion and overcoming your fears. I wouldnt change a thing. Living in a care facility would not be a great outcome in my mind, but the alternative could be much worse. I am sure that they were offered help from support agencies. If they still came to this end, then I will trust that the task was going to be beyond what they could handle. This outcome is still preferable in my mind. I'll leave it at that.

 

Who is talking about forcing parents? Empowering them is more like it. It is obviously their right to give a baby up because of their disability. Yes, some families are just not capable, because of extenuating circumstances, to care for a special needs child. But how can some families really know? Yes, it stretches you in every possible way, but the rewards are immense. Someone accused me of being pollyanna - maybe so. But I'm sure many a family thought they "wouldn't be able to handle it" - who would? But the human spirit has an incredible way of adapting to a given situation. Yes, I do advocate for the child - the child that deserves to grow up with their biological family whenever possible. Some claim that DS babies are very adoptable. That may be the case for some. But what of the child who does not have a loving family to raise it? Please don't trick yourself into thinking that for every family who gives up a special needs child there is a loving, strong family to adopt it. There is not. Flash forward ten years to the residential facility who will possibly be raising that child and tell me if that is a better outcome for them.

[FaithManor]

About the adoptive family, we don't know what they were capable of handling financially. Adoption has a lot of costs involved and many insurance companies no longer allow you to place the child on your private insurance while waiting for the adoption to be finalized - this can take up to a year. Therefore the child must remain on state medical insurance. There are limits on what the state is willing to pay for in many of these cases. Respite care is one thing that rarely, will the state pay for and taking twins, one of whom is medically fragile, means needing some in home nursing care.

 

We don't know what was offered to this adoptive family by way of financial support. Tier three care was for all intensive purposes, was all but eliminated under Granholm in Michigan, many other states too. That means it's nearly impossible for a social worker to get a medically fragile child declared as tier three so that the state will pay for nursing help, appropriate in-home physical therapy, etc. I know of medically fragile children whose foster families have had to tear up their licenses so the child had to be removed from their home because the family was going bankrupt trying to take care of them. Many of the supports that are in place through private pay insurance or through even just emotional support from a birth family's extended relatives are not in place in adoption or foster care. As many people put it, "You made the choice to take a medically fragile child so you deal with it." The societal compassion and desire to help is usually only focused on the birth family itself not on a foster or adoption family. Tier three in Michigan, when it was being paid, was only $800.00 or so per month. That may sound like a lot, but at $50.00 an hour for a home health RN and medically fragile children cannot generally be taken care of by aides, it doesn't take long to breeze through that money. State insurance pays virtually non-existently for beds, wheel chairs, any kind of durable medical equipment, etc. Sometimes not at all....when the bed costs $3000.00 and the wheelchair the same, how does the adoptive family afford that? Many times there are charitable foundations that will pay for these items for the birth family but not for the adoptive family....again that attitude that either the state is paying for it or should pay for it so therefore the non-profit shouldn't help or "Well, you made the choice to take that child so deal with it!"

 

A medically fragile child can cost $5000.00 or more per month. How many of us have that kind of money laying around? What would it do to us financially if we dealt with that by birth.....would we be able to bring ourselves to make that decision to put our already existing family in that kind of financial peril through foster or adoption?

 

There is so much of this that we don't know. Sometimes there is medical training that the adoptive parents must go through in order to take the child home. Again, we don't know how much this family was able to do. We don't know where they live. Where I live, it would be absolutely awful to give birth to a medically fragile child from the standpoint of getting needed services due to the fact that we are 50 miles from the nearest pediatric level 1 ICU and nearly 100 miles from the nearest pediatric hospital. We only have two pediatricians in our entire county and neither of them have experience with medically fragile children. We'd be completely on our own. We don't even have access to a pediatric physical or occupational therapist. Our local ISD does not even accept medically fragile children for educational programs. They don't have a staff with enough training to deal with it. We just don't know and we can't assume that this family lives near these kinds of supports. Out here in the sticks, children are adopted from the city through foster care. Just because that family shows up at Wayne State University's Children's Hospital to pick up their new child, it does not mean that they live nearby. They could be from the Upper Penninsula!

 

I think we need to be very careful about flaming this adoptive family. Additionally, it can be very difficult to place twins and sib groups in foster care or adoptive homes because depending on the training of the foster parents, the size of their home, and a myriad of other rules, determines how many children they allowed to have at any time...same with adoption. The addition of a medically fragile child to your household greatly reduces the number of children that the state will allow you to have in your homeand that includes your own birth children. It may not have been possible for the social worker to find a home that would even be allowed to take them both given the disabilities of the one twin. There are many, many restrictions on this that the general public is unaware of but these restrictions are in place to help minimize the possibilty that the placement parent would become overwhelmed with too many children and neglect the fragile child.

 

I would not dream of assuming anything negative of the family or the social worker. This stuff is so difficult to deal with, rarely a really great answer to the problem at hand, and there is a lot more to it than meets the eye.

 

Faith

[Tap]

Who is talking about forcing parents? Empowering them is more like it. It is obviously their right to give a baby up because of their disability. Yes, some families are just not capable, because of extenuating circumstances, to care for a special needs child. But how can some families really know? Yes, it stretches you in every possible way, but the rewards are immense.

 

Sometimes, the rewards aren't immense. Sometimes there is just anger, frustration, exhaustion, fear and a myriad of other negative emotions. Sometimes there is so little positive....that the negative is really all that is left. Sometimes, the care of a disabled child tears an otherwise strong bio-family apart, leaving a marriage in shreds, and the other bio-children with every-other-weekend-parents. Sometimes, love is not enough.

 

Sometimes, there are far more support systems in place for people who are on the adoptive/foster parent side of the equation that the bio-parents.

 

Not everyone can handle it and while you feel they should try, you are leaving off a very important part of this arrangement. What if they try and then fail. What has happened to the bio-family in the process. It isn't like they just get a two year trial and then can hand their child over to the state. Most likely the bio-family has been ripped apart, post traumatic stress syndrome is a possibility in all the family members. Oh, and what about the child, that one that you feel you are advocating for? Now, they have been given up for adoption at 2yo or 4yo or 6 you? This child who could have been in their forever family from the beginning now is moved to a new family and assuming they have limited mental capacity, may not even understand why.

 

Flash forward ten years to the residential facility who will possibly be raising that child and tell me if that is a better outcome for them.

 

 

Adoptive families don't have a special right to place children in facilities. Many, many children are there because their birth family placed them there.

 

 

 

I have a special needs niece. My sister has stood by her and has done the best she could. My sister had another daughter (bcp baby) 11 mths later. I know my sister would have never given her up, but it has had a horrid effect on her other non-special needs daughter. She has had a terrible childhood due to her sisters issues. The special needs daughter is very, very violent. The parents split up. The father started drinking. My sister started drinking. The non-special needs daughter has spent her time torn between the parents and hiding out at my mother's home. I respect that my sister kept both girls, but the cost has been huge and the damage is permanent.

 

 

My adopted dd4 is drug/alcohol affected. It has been 4 years of hell raising her. The stress level in my house has at times been off the charts. A huge difference for us....we went into this willingly. Our children are older and can defend themselves against dd4. We had two years as temporary 'foster parents' before we finalized on her, to make sure we were willing to commit to her full time.

 

 

I worked for 3.5 years in a group home. I worked with adults, but they had all been surrendered to the state by bio-parents. One, when his aunt who was raising him died and no-one else could care for him. She was the only one left in his family. Another because he finally hurt his mother so badly that she was absolutely terrified that he was going to kill her (he had just punched her and pushed her through a plate glass window).

 

and we lost a pregnancy at 22weeks due to Trisomy-18 (termed 'not-compatible with life'). She was very, very sick, getting worse and would die soon. We were in the process of making decisions on what we were going to do (and had finalized my decision) when my water broke. I know what it is like to be faced with this very, very real decision that millions of people have to make each day.

 

It isn't like you are just trading in a car. The decision isn't taken lightly by the bio-parent. The decision tears their heart out. The decision doesn't just go away...it haunts them the rest of their life. Please do not minimize what bio-parents, who choose to give a child up for adoption, go through. It isn't just the signing of the papers.

Edited November 23, 2010 by Tap, tap, tap

[Tap]

.

[RanchGirl]

As the mom of a severely disabled child, I reject this. In no way does forcing a family to raise a child that is beyond their abilities benefit the child. This is the opposite of advocating. That child deserves committed parents as much as the next kid. This is the best available outcome for this baby. And thank God that these parents realized this sooner rather than later.

 

:iagree: I don't understand the letter writing campaign either... writing letters to shame the adoptive family? To complain that they were allowed to make this choice, when so many other choices would be ten times worse? This had to be a heartbreaking situation for them, but clearly they did not feel they had the emotional/physical/financial resources to care for both babies.

 

We don't know the adoptive family's personal situation or the baby's medical situation so it's impossible to judge here. The baby apparently has severe medical problems. In addition to down syndrome, dandy walker syndrome and pulmonary hypertension have both been mentioned. This baby may never even leave the hospital. It's terribly terribly sad but I don't understand attacking the adoptive family.

 

[an aside: I wish more people could admit this when they find themselves over their heads. I know one family that continues to adopt high needs kids despite a complete lack of financial or emotional resources. And I know that those kids were wanted desperately by other families that had more resources to care for them, but this mom had an in with the social worker and a narcissistic personality, she lives for the attention this brings her -- oh you're such a saint, you're Angelina Jolie! Meanwhile, her older adopted children have bipolar and RAD and she doesn't have the resources to deal with this, but she keeps adding more kids in to suffer through it.] /end rant

[FaithManor]

Ranchgirl, I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH YOU! I've done respite for emotionally and mentally disturbed children that were adopted through foster care and in some of these families, they were so intent on helping kids, a noble motivation to be sure, that couldn't understand that they had already bitten off more than they could chew so some of the children were not getting any help at all. It's especially easy to do with disturbed children who do not have medical problems because there aren't as many restrictions placed on how many a family can have as there are with medically fragile children. I've seen it...I've hugged many a mom and dad that whispered, "If I'd had any idea, I never, ever would have taken that child.". It's unfortunate, but it is very hard for those with experience to convince those with a pollyanna outlook that a family's love just doesn't conquer everything.

 

Tap, tap, tap you must feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall sometimes trying to educate the general public about life with an FAS child. If I lived near you, I'd be at your house giving you some respite so you could have some down time. I wish I was near both you and Denisemomof4.

 

Faith

[Joy at Home]

I have a special needs niece. My sister has stood by her and has done the best she could. My sister had another daughter (bcp baby) 11 mths later. I know my sister would have never given her up, but it has had a horrid effect on her other non-special needs daughter. She has had a terrible childhood due to her sisters issues. The special needs daughter is very, very violent. The parents split up. The father started drinking. My sister started drinking. The non-special needs daughter has spent her time torn between the parents and hiding out at my mother's home. I respect that my sister kept both girls, but the cost has been huge and the damage is permanent.

 

I have seen similar situations, and it is heartbraking, yes. Having a special needs child has profound impacts on siblings. But really, what are the alternatives? If this child has such severe behaviors, do you really think there is a loving family aside from the bio family that would be willing to deal? And how do you know in the beginning what issues that child will have? There are no easy answers, I know. I don't want to marginalize what families go through. But I also don't want to trick ourselves into believing the alternative situation would serve the child any better. A disabled child can tear familes apart, it can bring them together, it can negatively impact a sibling and can positively impact a sibling. There is no way to know from the outset. But if a child's behavior becomes so violent, so severe that a dedicated bio family cannot support them anymore, chances are an alternate family would have given up long ago.

[mirth]

\

Edited July 26, 2014 by mirth

[Parrothead]

I have seen similar situations, and it is heartbraking, yes. Having a special needs child has profound impacts on siblings. But really, what are the alternatives? If this child has such severe behaviors, do you really think there is a loving family aside from the bio family that would be willing to deal? And how do you know in the beginning what issues that child will have? There are no easy answers, I know. I don't want to marginalize what families go through. But I also don't want to trick ourselves into believing the alternative situation would serve the child any better. A disabled child can tear familes apart, it can bring them together, it can negatively impact a sibling and can positively impact a sibling. There is no way to know from the outset. But if a child's behavior becomes so violent, so severe that a dedicated bio family cannot support them anymore, chances are an alternate family would have given up long ago.

Just because a family is a bio family is no guarantee of a loving family. To answer the bolded, yes there are families that are more loving and dedicated to children with severe issues than the bio family ever would be.

 

ETA: I get the impression that you love your children with every fiber of your being. It seems that because of that you are having a hard time fathoming that there are parents who dislike, even hate, their children. There are parents that deeply resent their children. And I'm talking about medically, emotionally sound children. Imagine for a moment how that dislike and resentment increase exponentially with children that have issues.

Edited November 23, 2010 by Parrothead

[Tap]

I have seen similar situations, and it is heartbraking, yes. Having a special needs child has profound impacts on siblings. But really, what are the alternatives? If this child has such severe behaviors, do you really think there is a loving family aside from the bio family that would be willing to deal? And how do you know in the beginning what issues that child will have? There are no easy answers, I know. I don't want to marginalize what families go through. But I also don't want to trick ourselves into believing the alternative situation would serve the child any better. A disabled child can tear families apart, it can bring them together, it can negatively impact a sibling and can positively impact a sibling. There is no way to know from the outset. But if a child's behavior becomes so violent, so severe that a dedicated bio family cannot support them anymore, chances are an alternate family would have given up long ago.

 

I my nieces case, I think she would have been better off in a home with only one child. While her sister has been a huge source of blessings to her too, the non-special needs niece is emotionally broken. You can see it in her eyes, you can hear it in her voice. To live with the trama of her sister for 14 years, has caused major, major pain in her life. It would be similar to have a horribly abusive parent, but to stay in the situation because 'were all a bio-family'. Please, please don't misunderstand. I know my sister does the absolute best she can for these girls and she has done a ton right....but it doesn't change the damage that has been done either. I don't slight my sister ONE teeny, tiny bit for keeping both of her daughters....I was just pointing out that the parents aren't the only ones who are making the sacrifices.

 

I don't agree that an alternate family would have necessarily have given up. If a child like her wasn't in a home with younger children to victimize, would she have lashed out onto someone else? We will never know.

 

I know dd4 has violence issues. She is pretty harmless when she is just home with dh and ds. She chooses to go after 'weaker or softer' people, especially women. Even at daycare she is great for a few teachers, but others, and it is the same soft, sweet, very kind loving ones, that she targets.

[Joy at Home]

I my nieces case, I think she would have been better off in a home with only one child. While her sister has been a huge source of blessings to her too, the non-special needs niece is emotionally broken. You can see it in her eyes, you can hear it in her voice. To live with the trama of her sister for 14 years, has caused major, major pain in her life. It would be similar to have a horribly abusive parent, but to stay in the situation because 'were all a bio-family'. Please, please don't misunderstand. I know my sister does the absolute best she can for these girls and she has done a ton right....but it doesn't change the damage that has been done either. I don't slight my sister ONE teeny, tiny bit for keeping both of her daughters....I was just pointing out that the parents aren't the only ones who are making the sacrifices.

 

I don't agree that an alternate family would have necessarily have given up. If a child like her wasn't in a home with younger children to victimize, would she have lashed out onto someone else? We will never know.

 

I know dd4 has violence issues. She is pretty harmless when she is just home with dh and ds. She chooses to go after 'weaker or softer' people, especially women. Even at daycare she is great for a few teachers, but others, and it is the same soft, sweet, very kind loving ones, that she targets.

 

 

This really does break my heart. I'm sorry, and I know how your sister's family must struggle.:grouphug:

[Joy at Home]

Just because a family is a bio family is no guarantee of a loving family. To answer the bolded, yes there are families that are more loving and dedicated to children with severe issues than the bio family ever would be.

 

ETA: I get the impression that you love your children with every fiber of your being. It seems that because of that you are having a hard time fathoming that there are parents who dislike, even hate, their children. There are parents that deeply resent their children. And I'm talking about medically, emotionally sound children. Imagine for a moment how that dislike and resentment increase exponentially with children that have issues.

 

I agree that in a case like this, the child would be better served in another home. No child deserves to be raised by parents who feel this way about them.

[pdalley]

I my nieces case, I think she would have been better off in a home with only one child. While her sister has been a huge source of blessings to her too, the non-special needs niece is emotionally broken. You can see it in her eyes, you can hear it in her voice. To live with the trama of her sister for 14 years, has caused major, major pain in her life. It would be similar to have a horribly abusive parent, but to stay in the situation because 'were all a bio-family'. Please, please don't misunderstand. I know my sister does the absolute best she can for these girls and she has done a ton right....but it doesn't change the damage that has been done either. I don't slight my sister ONE teeny, tiny bit for keeping both of her daughters....I was just pointing out that the parents aren't the only ones who are making the sacrifices.

 

I don't agree that an alternate family would have necessarily have given up. If a child like her wasn't in a home with younger children to victimize, would she have lashed out onto someone else? We will never know.

 

 

 

Jumping off this subject to another - if this story is true then I - personally - would rather this child go to parents that are prepared for the challenges he will face in life. I don't fault the adoptive parents for deciding they couldn't do that. Better now than later - IMO. I never thought I could be the parent of special needs kids until I did it but autism - in out case- is not anywhere like Down Syndrome and the medical issues that can go along with that. Also our kids weren't diagnosed until later in life. So I can't say these parents were searching for a 'perfect' kid. I simply do not know - I have not walked that mile in those shoes.

 

Now I have three special needs boys - all autistic with other issues in the mix. I do wonder and on occasion, worry - that one is being neglected for the other. We seldom have violence issues here and if they exist they are generally self injurious and not inflicted on each other. In fact, the most typical behavior I see from my three are when they are together. They love each other, they play together and they fight like cats and dogs on occasion.

 

Somehow - here - it seems to balance itself out - we encourage our kids to focus on their 'thing' and we each (dh and I) take turns spending time with them in pursuit of their 'thing' (golf for one, music the other, the youngest hasn't fixated on a 'thing' yet). I believe it's because they are all special needs otherwise I can see how one child would feel a 'victim' of the other - especially if violence was involved.

 

Does this make any sense? Cause I think it's a valid point and it's something I do worry about here too.