Tell me about Foster care: Good, bad and the ugly?

[Sue G in PA]

We have been contemplating becoming foster parents for some time now. A long time actually. If you are or have ever been a foster parent, could you please share your stories? Any advice? We will be doing this through the Bair Foundation, a Christian Foster Care organization here in PA. Thanks.

[easygoer]

It's one of those things that's hard to encapsulate (at least for me.)

 

The one thing I pick to tell people who ask in your shoes is: really think ahead to the challenge of freeing your mind to un-learn what you learned parenting your bio kids and re-learning what parenting foster/older adopted kids will need.

 

That's hard, IMHO. I really believe it's largely because parenting is so incredibly personal, and we have so much heavily invested, you come to a place where you sort of 'have' to believe that you did things the Right Way. I think that's why we see these crazy mommy-wars go on between people who make different choices.

 

There are plenty of ways that parenting foster kids is like parenting you bio or placed-at-birth kids, a la what's good for the goose is good for the gander. And there are *plenty* that they might be very different. So to truly, carefully serve them, IMHO, you really have to be prepared and willing and ready to start over learning what you believe is best. Maybe even things that meant the most to you in the past.

 

I don't tell people that to give them any kind of negative warning, but I think iut's something really worth thinking long and had about in advance. The rumination will pay off IMHO. For everyone involved including the kids already in your house.

 

Logistical advice would be to find an agency that offers a lot of support and training, and *be firm* with them about what placements you can and cannot handle. And take this opportunity to read everything you can find. http://www.tapestrybooks.com/categories.asp?cID=96 has a nice selection.

 

My story...is actually kind of boring. We trained and were liscensed in NYS in 2002 as foster parents in a foster-to-adopt program. We finally got matched to a waiting child, a 12yo boy and he lived with us awaiting finalities a little over a year, at which point the whole story changed and he was placed with an uncle. I learned several years later that arrangement 'fell through' somehow and he was back in the system, and I sought him out but he was lost to me, more or less. I had an infant, was separated facing divorce, my license had lapsed and it wasn't going to happen. Both experiences were pretty big blows, to put it mildly, something that I don't really have the words to talk about much.

 

I found *a lot* of bait-and-switch working with the system, it isn't easy (or it wasn't for us, living where we were/working with whom we were/what have you.)

 

It was one of the best experiences in my life, it changed my life, it changed my heart. Extremely painful and I'd do it again without hesitation.

[Julie in Austin]

I found *a lot* of bait-and-switch working with the system, it isn't easy (or it wasn't for us, living where we were/working with whom we were/what have you.)

 

 

:iagree:

 

We "retired" after only two short placements because a social worker grossly mislead us about the extent of a child's situation. We are aware of similar cases locally.

 

I hate to be discouraging because heaven knows we need more foster parents, but you need to be prepared for a social worker to say "he doesn't have any special issues" and then to realize a few days later that you have a child living in your house who _______ (fill in the blank with any physical or mental health situation you have ever heard of, and some you haven't), which the social worker may or may not have known before placement.

 

This wasn't something we could continue with, given that our own kids are young. If you only have older kids and you are flexible, it might work for you.

[Heather in OK]

My Mom has been a foster parent for about 16 years. She started after I left for college and I'm VERY glad she did. As the child of a foster parent my biggest piece of advice is NEVER take a child that is older than your youngest child. I have just seen and heard enough and know that there are too many behaviors with acting out that you probably don't want your children exposed to.

 

I always feel bad sounding so negative. Yes, foster parents are so very needed. Yes, there are kids in the system who don't act out or have other issues. But sadly there are and you may not know what the issues are before it's too late. There is no way I would even consider the thought until my own children were all over the age of 16 or out of the house.

[easygoer]

You have to be very careful about the safety of any kids you have in the house. Only adding children younger than the oldest is common and sound advice, IMHO. There are exceptions to everything, case-by-case basis for sure, but you have to be very careful. I don't know if you have little ones in the house?

[Sue G in PA]

Our youngest is 2. Oldest is 13. I thought about only taking infants younger than 2 b/c of that very reason you all pointed out.

[AMDG]

Our youngest is 2. Oldest is 13. I thought about only taking infants younger than 2 b/c of that very reason you all pointed out.

 

I love the idea of foster care, too. Our kiddos are little though, and like other posters mentioned, I think it is sound advice to only add children younger than your youngest.

[Lisa in Jax]

I totally agree with Easygoer's advice. I'm not a foster mom, but I am the mom of a son who was in an orphanage (in India) before adoption. I'm trained as a mental health counselor and we'd raised (to age 10) a great, happy bio kid before adoption, so I *thought* I could handle parenting a child with "issues."

 

I was wrong. I had to re-learn parenting in so many ways -- most of my "go-to" strategies meant NOTHING to my son.

 

In addition, I found that I was surprised by how many subtle, unspoken "rules" of our house we had. When you bring a child home as an infant, you teach these little "rules" bit by bit. With an adopted (or foster) child, you have a steep learning curve. That process was exhausting, b/c it's something I'd never thought about before. Some examples of these rules, for us, were table manners (mouth closed when chewing, not slurping, etc.), saying "please" and "thank you," not combing your hair at the dining room table, not walking around the house while you brush your teeth, not stripping naked in the dining room when you're heading for the bathroom... ;-)

 

I also completely agree with the "no child older than your youngest" advice. I'd also say that *at first* it's not safe to allow a foster child to share a room with your kids. He need a room to himself until you are sure there aren't sexual abuse issues.

 

Unfortunately, it's likely that a foster child probably won't WANT a mother -- he's got one: his bio mom. In addition, his mother's behavior is NORMAL for him and he's likely to try to recreate the dynamic of that relationship, b/c it's what he expects. If his mom was neglectful, unpredictable or abusive (which is likely, if he's been placed in FC), he'll probably try to push your buttons to make you act like his bio mom does/did.

 

Socially, academically, emotionally, physically -- he's going to be different than your bio kids. Don't assume that he'll just melt into your home with a big sigh of contentment -- that's not likely to happen. Instead, expect that he'll be stressed beyond explanation, sad, angry, scared and inflexible. Over time, he'll probably settle in, but at first, it may be helpful to parent him like a much younger child -- lots of sleep, lots of healthy food (minimize the junk), and lots of loving structure.

 

Lisa

[samba]

We're in MD in a county that has very high standards when it comes to foster care, from what I've heard. There is no pressure, no guilt. They present the facts, as much as they know, to the potential foster families, and then they take a yes or a no and move on. They really want the best possible situation for both kids and families. They don't want to have to re-place a child because the family wasn't aware of certain issues and they don't want to lose foster families because the family feels used or misled. I think they're actually doing a remarkable job under difficult circumstances.

 

We fostered one child longterm, a year. It was amazing and we loved him. We got him at 6 months and he left us at 18 months. The relationship with the bio parents was difficult in the beginning but ended very well. We've had a couple of other short term placements that went well also. We had one placement that I was skeptical about from the beginning and in the end asked for another family to take the children...it was difficult to do that but necessary for our family. We learned the hard way what dynamics simply will and will not work for us. You can't let the placement tear your own family apart.

 

I agree with the pp who said to go with a child younger than your youngest. For us, the foster child has to be WAY younger than our youngest. Otherwise, there was too much conflict. Now we've specified infants. Not everyone has the same experience but it might be a good place to start.

 

You might also consider becoming licensed and starting with just respite care. It's short term, you can see what it's like and you're offering a valuable service to other foster families.

 

Some of the restrictions are annoying, you have to allow some things you wouldn't do with your own kids and you generally give up some freedoms and decision-making. But you're giving a child safety, love, security and perhaps the only chance at a normal childhood they'll ever have.

 

Carolyn

[easygoer]

...it may be helpful to parent him like a much younger child...

 

 

IMHO, this is the simplest, most elegant way to put it.

 

In many ways, a child who has not gotten what infants need when he was an infant, needs those holes to be filled up.

 

When an infant acts 'ugly', when they scream in your ear, when they make a mess, we hold them tighter and make them warm and comfortable and loved. If a child didn't have that, in a nutshell, they need it whether they are 12 months or 12 years.

 

Once we've parented bio-kids or kids placed as newborns, we have a complex set of 'age-appropriate expectations' and they may just not apply. We hate to 'reward bad behavior' and in general kind of like to withhold affection/nurture in many forms as a way to "engage cooperation" to use a euphemism. These things may really fall very, very flat with a neglected child (not to mention corporal punishment which is illegal here and other places I know about.) At their best, many common methods *depend* on an attachment and trust between parent and kid that foster kids don't have.

 

You may have to un-learn not only what method you feel is best to 'make your point' but also your fundamental understanding of what/how a 1-2yo should act, and be willing to go against your experience to help him.

 

That's just my humble opinion, for what it's worth.

Edited September 26, 2010 by easygoer

[happyhomemaker25]

The Realities of Being a Foster Parent

 

I wrote this blog way back when we were in the trenches.

It's how I felt and still feel about our whole fostering experience.

We ended up having nine kids placed with us at various times. We adopted five. I would have kept going had I had a bigger house and car.

[msjones]

:iagree:

 

We "retired" after only two short placements because a social worker grossly mislead us about the extent of a child's situation. We are aware of similar cases locally.

 

I hate to be discouraging because heaven knows we need more foster parents, but you need to be prepared for a social worker to say "he doesn't have any special issues" and then to realize a few days later that you have a child living in your house who _______ (fill in the blank with any physical or mental health situation you have ever heard of, and some you haven't), which the social worker may or may not have known before placement.

 

This wasn't something we could continue with, given that our own kids are young. If you only have older kids and you are flexible, it might work for you.

 

This describes our experience quite precisely. To this day I am appalled at the 'misinformation' we were given about the infant who was placed in our care. We had to give him up because we were in no way prepared to meet his needs. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

 

We do not trust the system and will no longer participate.

 

(The good news was that the beautiful little guy placed with us was taken to a baby detox center where he got the care he needed. But my heart still aches that I had to give him up the way I did...)

[anneofalamo]

having a child who can walk, talk, open and shut things come into your home that doesn't know you and you don't know them is exhausting.

We did a single foster to a 4 year old, and I would rejoice each evening when he finally fell asleep...albeit holding my arm in a death grip less I leave him.

He was adopted into our no child home.

2 years later a sibling group of twin girls 4 and their 11 month older brother who was about to turn 5 came into our home.

It was chaos and insanity.

Our single son, felt he needed to be parent #3, the 3 had no social skills, and were content to eat raw top raman and sleep on the floor. Toilets skills were lacking...

oh boy, and the language! wow wow wow...

but, those 3 are now also here in our hearts and home as our children thru adoption.

 

It was not easy, it was exhausting, but now they are 11, 12 and 14 and the laughter that comes from our dining room table, or the evening talking about how they came to be in foster honest heart wrenching lives and pain lived through.

 

I would do it all again, and well, we are trying to figure out where to put a few more....

[ZooRho]

we did the thing of getting a child that was older, huge mistake, so yes don't do out of birthorder at all.

 

 

and even though the child was older this was totally our experience. NO WAY NO HOW were we prepared to take that child in

 

and talk to former foster parents of said child, when we finally did former mom said child was a ticking timb bomb.

 

ANd even though it was bad as a placement we tried keep child until a good placement was found , but nope we had 24 hours notice that child would be removed after 2 years of living in our home, a year with our last name since it was a foster to adopt.

 

This describes our experience quite precisely. To this day I am appalled at the 'misinformation' we were given about the infant who was placed in our care. We had to give him up because we were in no way prepared to meet his needs. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

 

We do not trust the system and will no longer participate.

 

(The good news was that the beautiful little guy placed with us was taken to a baby detox center where he got the care he needed. But my heart still aches that I had to give him up the way I did...)

[CathyCDK]

Hi Sue,

 

May the Lord lead and bless you in your foster care journey!

 

We have adhered to the advice to only accept kids that are younger than your youngest. Our youngest is now 8, and we now have a sibling group, ages 5,4 and 3. Even though these kids are pretty easy compared to most foster kids I hear about, they have experiences, behaviors and language that my 8 and 10 year olds had never been exposed to. As our girls get older, we may cap the upper age to 5 and younger. In fact, if we do adopt this sibling group, we've discussed only taking in babies from now on so we don't futher disrupt the birth order.

 

As you research foster care and ask for advice, keep in mind that every family has a different experience, and every case is different as well. We had the same sibling set two different times, and each of those times was different, even though it was the same case worker, and same kids. As they say, your mileage may vary.

 

It is true that the system is riddled with flaws and frustration. One thing that can add to the frustration is that you are not the parent and don't have the power to make many decisions that are in the best interest of the child. You are "only" the caregiver and must submit to the state and their decisions. Instead of getting jaded and angry at all the negatives that come with the CPS system, we have very intentionally decided to let all that go, and concentrate our focus and energy on meeting the needs of the kids and loving them. I think this has made a huge impact on how we perceive our foster care experience and keeps us encouraged.

 

We often hear comments like "I could never foster because I would get too attached and it would hurt too much when the kids leave". Don't let that scare you. A major goal is to get bonded and attached...it's fundamentally crucial to the growth and development of the child. It is painful when they leave. But, I would rather have had the opportunity to know them and love them and experience this pain than to have never known them at all. The Lord has placed these kids in our care to be temporary stewards. They are His, not ours. If He so wills, we get to add them to our family forever. We submit to His plan.

 

You can expect the kids to have a wide variety of challenges, from behaviors, to learning delays and medical needs. They have irrational (to us) fears and insecurities. Every child we've fostered except one has needed significant dental work due to bottle rot. Most have come sick and neglected. They aren't accustomed to routine, discipline or boundaries. But once they have transitioned to our family dynamic, most have beautifully thrived. From day one, they are 100% incorporated into our family and are treated just like everyone else. For about a week after first being placed with us, we usually take about a week of "snow days" from school and other demands on our time to just get to know the kids, take care of any urgent matters and let the kids settle in. Bedtimes are generally one of our biggest challenges and they often wake up several times a night at first, so I plan to not get much sleep for the first few days.

 

Our current foster kids have been in our home for 11 months. As they become more comfortable here, and more secure and trusting, they reveal new experiences and have exhibited new behaviors. It's been a process for sure. Our 5 year old has just recently turned a corner and has become almost a dream. Our 4 year old, who was almost perfectly compliant for 9 months has had about 4 weeks of horrible behavior. So far, the three year old has had mostly age appropriate behaviors, but who knows what might be in the future.

 

We chose a Christian agency for our licensing. We live in a city where there are literally dozens of agencies. The Christian agency does have a tougher standard. They dig deeper during the homestudy, sometimes asking very personal and intimate questions. They ask about your walk with the Lord and your testimony. We know we are covered in prayer. The agency will advocate and set limits to preserve the success of our family. For example, we are on track to adopt the sibling group we currently have. Their policy is that after adoption, we can't accept another placement for 3-6 months to allow for us all to adjust. We want to have more kids as soon as we can, but for now we are on hold. Many foster parents that we have met are vehementally opposed to using a Christian agency due to the extra limits. We have had no complaints and have had a good experience.

 

Blessings,

Cathy

[mommama]

We are foster parents who have adopted four so far from the system.

 

We continue to foster, despite the myriad frustrations, because we have personally witnessed the effects of bad foster homes. (Our oldest two children were placed in the system, and abused in the system, until they came home to us.

 

It it hard to both speak frankly about the experience and not terrify others who are considering it. A few quick bullet points, if I might:

 

-Any foster child should be the youngest in your family (by a fair number of years) These kids need A LOT of attention; much more than typical children of the same age.

 

-Social workers are either busy, naive, jaded, lazy, or excellent (these don't last long in the 'system')

 

-Please, please, please be ready to adopt your foster child if reunification is not possible. Every single move a child has to make between caregivers is so damaging. Please don't accept a child that you wouldn't be willing to make 'forever' if that became necessary.

 

-Read about attachment disorders (not just an orphanage problem), in utero drug exposure, fetal alcohol exposure (birthmom's don't always admit use--many don't think it really counts, what with the meth and the crack and all). Nobody wants to, and like me, you think "it can't be that bad". Read it anyway and just file the information away. It really can be that bad.

 

-You cannot change or rush the system. You will have to take kids back to dangerous, neglectful birthfamilies. You will take care of kids who never should have been removed. There is nothing you can do about the capricious whims of the system as a foster parent. Save yourself the extra ulcer and just take care of the kids you have in front of you.

 

-Birthparents will hate you at first. You represent the 'system' that 'stole' their kids. Whatever. Try to get to know them. Building them up genuinely (without allowing them to overstep boundaries) will either smooth the way for your foster child to go home, or allow you to gather valuable information to pass along to your child should you end up adopting him/her.

 

-Can you love a child who will never love you? Who may in fact hate you (or at least seem to hate you)? The love of a foster parent is imho about as close to true agape as one can get. We have to love children who act as though they hate us, who do their best to push us away, who may be gone tomorrow or in a year. We have to love without any expectation of anything in return. We have to love because it's what they need.

Many parents talk about loving their children unconditionally. But it's not until you parent traumatized children that you realize what unconditional love really looks like: love a child who uses bodily fluids as a weapon against you; love a child who will say "I hate you" everyday, but will never say "I love you"; love a child who seems to know all of your 'bottons' and who will push them every waking moment of every single day; love a child who (for your own sanity and parenting ability) you have to take respite from; love a child who has violated another child; love a child who tries to hurt your dog; love a child who tells horrible lies about you to anyone who will listen; love a child who tries to hurt you; love a child who's behind bars...

then you will know what agape is.

 

radmama

-I'd be happy to answer further questions...

[ma23peas]

having a child who can walk, talk, open and shut things come into your home that doesn't know you and you don't know them is exhausting.

We did a single foster to a 4 year old, and I would rejoice each evening when he finally fell asleep...albeit holding my arm in a death grip less I leave him.

He was adopted into our no child home.

2 years later a sibling group of twin girls 4 and their 11 month older brother who was about to turn 5 came into our home.

It was chaos and insanity.

Our single son, felt he needed to be parent #3, the 3 had no social skills, and were content to eat raw top raman and sleep on the floor. Toilets skills were lacking...

oh boy, and the language! wow wow wow...

but, those 3 are now also here in our hearts and home as our children thru adoption.

 

It was not easy, it was exhausting, but now they are 11, 12 and 14 and the laughter that comes from our dining room table, or the evening talking about how they came to be in foster honest heart wrenching lives and pain lived through.

 

I would do it all again, and well, we are trying to figure out where to put a few more....

 

 

Just thank you thank you to all like the above poster who have the heart, constitution, and will to provide a home for these precious children!! My heart is not as strong as many of you! We have the space, I just can't deal with the cases where they have to go back to drug users...seen it too many times...

Our family has devoted our farm for providing free summer camps for those families like yours...we can at least give them an experience every year that they'll never forget! I wish I could give a home, but I am so thankful for all of you who do, and we hope to give back to you in our way!

 

Tara

[NanceXToo]

My Mom has been a foster parent for about 16 years. She started after I left for college and I'm VERY glad she did. As the child of a foster parent my biggest piece of advice is NEVER take a child that is older than your youngest child. I have just seen and heard enough and know that there are too many behaviors with acting out that you probably don't want your children exposed to.

 

I always feel bad sounding so negative. Yes, foster parents are so very needed. Yes, there are kids in the system who don't act out or have other issues. But sadly there are and you may not know what the issues are before it's too late. There is no way I would even consider the thought until my own children were all over the age of 16 or out of the house.

 

Just to throw it out there, I lived in a foster home from the time I was 14 to the time I was 16. The foster family I lived with had a son who was 12 and a daughter who was 7 (she turned 8 shortly after I moved in). Other than occasionally hearing me listen to Ozzy or Skid Row (haha) I didn't "expose" them to anything and got along with them very well. I was a totally different person in that house than I was in my home environment, which just wasn't a good place for me to be at the time. I did well in school, got involved in sports, made very nice friends. Overall, I really thrived with that family. That particular family only took in teen girls.

 

I always thought I'd like to be a foster parent someday, be on the other side of that, but in the end, with the hours my husband works and knowing he wouldn't be as open to the idea as I am of having another child living here 24/7 and having three kids all with different needs and so on, it just didn't work out. I talked him into being Fresh Air Fund hosts instead lol, we started doing that last summer.

 

Anyway, good for you for looking into it. I think it really makes a difference.

 

ETA: My issues were behavioral if anyone is curious, nothing to do with abuse at home, or drugs, or anything like that- just way too much rebellion, probably stemming from the fact that my father abandoned our family and my mother was a single mom who worked full-time and then had other commitments after work and I was left alone too much in a town that wasn't the greatest and I made bad choices and so on and so forth.

[fairfarmhand]

Our youngest is 2. Oldest is 13. I thought about only taking infants younger than 2 b/c of that very reason you all pointed out.

 

 

I have an acquaintance whose calling is to provide interim care for infants during thier 2 week waiting period between birth mother giving them up and adoptive parents actually having them. (birth mom has 2 weeks to change her mind)

 

One precious little boy was to be passed on after 2 weeks. However, after some paternity questions came up, he was still there over a year later. They've adopted him. :001_smile:

[Dobela]

We were foster parents for 5 years. We adopted one child and fostered over 20 others. Foster care is the most amazing experience - in a good way and a bad way. You will feel all of your emotions to new depths and with new intensity. You will be exhausted in ways you never thought of. You will be loved by children who are discovering what love really is for the first time. You will experience predjudices from unexpected places and find support in others you never considered.

 

Even in a few days of placement you will begin seeing children heal and blossom with consistency, routine, lots of hugs, and regular nutritous meals.

 

You, as the foster parents, will have all the responsibility of this child but you will also have no control of this child and the responsibility you bear will most likely not be recognized by the social workers and others. If things go wrong - you are held responsible and may be accused if things you never did. If things go well, most often it seems the SW or others will take responsibility and never acknowledge all you did. Responsibility without recognition is sometimes difficult. Because the SW is responsible for the foster child, they will often ignore how that child may be impacting your family. Your family isn't important in many equations.

 

I was told that you should always be prepared for false allegations to be filed against you - and that it is a matter of when, not if. We had false allegations filed against us by other foster parents who were angry that we had one sister and they had the other (and it wasn't our decision to separate the girls). We were able to get them stopped, but other friends of ours were not so fortunate. In their case the bio-parents called the abuse hotline and made all kinds of false allegations. The children were remoed in the middle of the night and my friends had their names placed on a child abuse registry for 2 years while they fought the allegations.

 

They will come to you though most likely dirty, often sick, with lice, from homes where drugs and violence are normal, sexually abused, not knowing how to play with toys (and therefore breaking all of your children's toys) or never having watched child appropriate TV. They will be afraid, angry, lost, sad, confused and will in most inappropriate ways express those emotions towards you and the children in your home. They will blame you for not letting them go back to their family - and they won't understand what was wrong with their family, or that you don't have any control.

 

Our first placement was a lovely nearly 4 yr old who couldn't count past 1 or recognize any colors but she could draw a nude male and a hypodermic needle with amazing accuracy. When playing with dolls, the dolls played out scenes from porn movies. It was all she knew and I ended up spending a huge amount of time trying to teach her how to play with toys in an age appropriate way.

 

You will be lied to about a child's background just to get a placement. We had 2 children placed with us that had severe RAD. I spent 2 weeks before they came investigating their history and was lied to by the social worker, the therapists, and the previous foster parents. It was originally supposed to be a preadoptive placement. The oldest was 5yo and had a history of running away, molesting other children, violence, and more but we were never told any of that. When we began to relate the experiences in our home and ask for help and removal, we were accused of creating an environment that would encourage and teach that behavior.

 

You will be lied to repeatedly by others in the system. I was amazed that some workers had no idea of what ws appropriate or not in child development. The children will be lied to. You will go to court and hear and see even more lies. The best worker we ever had was an unmarried woman who at one time had over 90 on her case load in 2 counties. She didn't make it to my house often, but she did at least read and reply to emails. I can't say the same about others. One of the worst workers I ever dealt with actually came to pick up an infant with the biological parents (mental retardation in the mother and serious mental illness in the father). She did not come with a car seat after I specifically told her that I was using my own car seat and she must bring her own. She took the baby anyway and then proceeded to drive 3 hours with the mother holding him in her arms until she decided she needed to stop and buy a car seat. When I reported it nothing was done.

 

We were told that we would always be given at least 1 week notice that a child was being moved. That never happened. We never had more than 24 hours.

 

Because you don't know the entire history of a child coming into your home, you really, really don't want to have them sharing bedrooms with your children. We have even had 2 yos act out in sexual ways. You don't want your child exposed or accused wrongly.

 

The coming and going of other children is very hard on your children. My son was 4 when we began. At the age of 6 he packed his bags to go with another foster child. He thought it was his time to go as well - at least that at some point he would have to leave too and he might as well get it over with. He was young enough when we began that he didn't understand why mommy was suddenly unavailable and having to spend so much time with the other child. He would fall in love with them, and then they would leave and he would be hurt and wonder if they were being cared for. He couldn't understand why the new kids would always break his toys or want to hurt him. Or break the rules that he knew -- like hitting and biting and so on. Just this past spring, at the age of 10, he was giving me all kinds of trouble. Come to find out he was afraid that I would send him to foster care for being bad and he was trying to get it over with. We have no idea where that came from. We had not had any foster care children in over a year and had offically closed our doors yet this was still a fear. Knowing how how it effected him, I would have not started foster care until he was much older.

 

The children coming in will be very street smart at early ages. They had to learn how to lie, manipulate, and steal just to survive. It will take a very long time retrain these behaviors.

 

Most of ours came from meth situations. Because meth is a toxic substance, the children were not allowed to bring any toys or clothing from their home with them. If, and that is a big if,the SW had access to clothing in their sizes, I might get a few pieces. Usually though they only came with what was on their backs-and it would usually be ill fitting and nasty. I would spend the next 2 or 3 days trying to find enough clothing for them by scouring thrift stores and calling friends. I was supposedly supposed to receive $100 to buy new placements clothing but in all those years I only received it once-and then 2 months after they left. By the time I ended up clothing the kids, we always ended up spending lots of our own money. If the kids changed sizes we never recieved an allowance for that either even though the licensing SW told us we would.

 

Because they are in foster care they automatically qualify for food stamps and WIC. And that is a huge help, especially with babies on formula.

 

We stopped foster care after the adoption of our dd was finished. It was 2 years of dealing with insanity. I was emotionally worn out. However, some day, after she is much older, we are looking forward to beign foster parents again.

[FaithManor]

Also, in most states, if you take school age children but homeschool your own, you will not be allowed to homeschoole your foster placements. They are a ward of the court. They have to attend PS. Sometimes that isn't necessarily a bad thing given that many need PT, OT, Speech Therapy, and benefit from contact with special ed teachers. But, if you are fostering in a state that is already a little restrictive of homeschooling, you are then opening your home up for scrutiny of social workers, school superintendents and principals, etc. I have a friend that had to give up fostering because she couldn't keep the social worker and school principal out of her homeschooling. They were ruthless in trying to persuade her to place her bio children in PS. Also, when one of their fosters came up for adoption, he was placed elsewhere though she and her husband desperately wanted him. It was all because the social worker and judge refused to keep him in a family in which he'd be homeschooled just as soon as the ink was dry on the adoption decree.

 

So, think that through carefully. Sometimes private agencies that are contracted by the state for foster care (Bethany Christian Services or Lutheran Family Services) are much supportive of homeschooling.

 

Faith

[Dobela]

 

So, think that through carefully. Sometimes private agencies that are contracted by the state for foster care (Bethany Christian Services or Lutheran Family Services) are much supportive of homeschooling.

 

Faith

I highly recommend being a foster parent thru a private agency if at all possible. Some of them are not that great either, but there are distinct advantages. We fostered thru a private Christian agency. All of our children came thru the state foster care system. They were placed thru the agency for more than one reason - mostly because there were not enough foster families in the area the child was from.

 

When we were having problems with a child, the SW from our agency was terrific - she was the one who made the dozens of calls to find out information or get something we needed. She could follow-up on medical appts or assist in transportation to visits. Many times she supervised visits if we had concerns. And because of her job position she was taken very sedriously even when we were not.

 

When we were falsely accused, our agency stood up behind us and that made a huge difference in how our case was handled.

 

Our private agency also operated a pantry we had access to so we could supplement our household supplies. They also had a program where churches and individuals could adopt a child in the homes and buy their Christmas gifts. Our agency also made available lots of training and support that frinds licensed thru the state didn't have.

[HS Mom in NC]

We seriously looked into fostercare (and the fostadopt program) in AZ in 2004. We also looked into international adoption, domestic adoption, and surrogacy. We were certified as foster parents in 2005, but opted to adopt internationally. We spent a year interviewing people in all those categories.

 

1. Talk to lots of people who have gone through the exact process you are considering.

 

2. Talk to healthcare workers who have dealt directly with children from the same source you are considering. Developmental Pediatricians, Pediatric Dentists, Sensory Integration Therapists, Professional Counselors, etc.

 

3. Talk to adult children who were the kids in the same situation as kids you are considering taking.

 

A good experience in one family does not negate a bad experience in another family. A bad experience in one family does not negate a good experience in another family. My advice: Plan for the worst case scenario. If you plan for it, you'll be prepared.

 

1. If this is a foster situation where the child could be removed from your care against your will, are you OK with that? Is temporary OK with you? If you are not 100% OK with that, then foster care isn't for you. If you are, then it might be the perfect fit for you.

 

A lady at church spent 3 years adopting two of her children through fostadopt. At no point did the birth mom comply with any court ordered items. The extended biological family sent in several written requests that the judge allow the foster parents to adopt the children. If anything had happened differently, they would not have been allowed to adopt. That's a lot of maybe. Be OK with maybe if it's the route you plan to take.

 

I met with one family that gave up after requesting only older children already for the fost adopt program be placed with them. Of the 12 that were placed over 4 years, they tried to adopt 11 of them- NONE were actually available. Not one. Zero.

 

2. Are you aware that many many foster parents are outraged at the lack of accurate known information about children placed with them? I heard this over and over again. Some states, agencies, and social workers are very up front and others lie. Are you OK with the chances you will get very little accurate info?

 

A very close friend went through the fostadopt program in AZ while we went through our international adoption in 2005-2006. AZ told them very little about the child's documented background on file. Halfway through the process they moved to KY and finished the process with KY. KY transferred the boy's file and went over it with the parents. The parents had been told only a fraction of the info by AZ. All sorts of clinical diagnoses has been made in the past and not disclosed to the foster parents.

 

Another friend had the same experience with a sibling set of 4. They were far worse off than the state acknowledged. They were told that these 4 would be just fine in a family that already had 5 children under the age of 12. After a year of hell, it turns out that those 4 needed to be in an institution full time to have their needs met adequately. That's where they are now.

 

3. Kids in foster care situations are there for a reason. Something severe (abuse and/or neglect) was so bad the state moved them. That will have an effect on a child that can be very serious.

 

Will the child require various types of therapy? How many days a week? How much will the foster parent have to do with the child during the day? Is there actual brain damage that is permenant? What kinds of temporary and permenant special needs will the child have and how will that effect everyone in your household? What common issues do children have from the situation you are considering? What difficult behaviors are common? How will those behaviors affect each family member in the house?

 

I talked to two families who took in foster kids that sexually abused their biological kids.

 

My child was placed in a baby house staffed by nurses and a pediatrician at 2 days old. At 10 days old she was placed with a family who doted on her until they day she flew here to us in the US. Her issues were every different than children who have been in institutions, on the streets, or removed from dangerous homes. Even in her ideal situation there was a VERY hard 1 year transition before she was a normal kid again. She went though the grieving process and reattachment which is very different than overcoming attachment issues common to institutionalized or removed children.

 

Parenting a child in transition is completely different than parenting a child who was born into and raised in the same loving family. Be prepared.

[annandatje]

:iagree:

 

We "retired" after only two short placements because a social worker grossly mislead us about the extent of a child's situation. We are aware of similar cases locally.

 

I hate to be discouraging because heaven knows we need more foster parents, but you need to be prepared for a social worker to say "he doesn't have any special issues" and then to realize a few days later that you have a child living in your house who _______ (fill in the blank with any physical or mental health situation you have ever heard of, and some you haven't), which the social worker may or may not have known before placement.

 

This wasn't something we could continue with, given that our own kids are young. If you only have older kids and you are flexible, it might work for you.

 

We had some experiences that were similar to those above; these negative experiences led us to eventually stop fostering. Definitely it takes much more than love, patience and perserverance. It can be stressful so don't jump into the water unless everything else in your life (your marriage, your finances, your family routine, your children's emotional wellbeing, etc) is stable.