Who goes to calling hours?

[kamom]

I've been wondering for years who is expected to go to calling hours. Which is considered more personal the funeral or calling hours?

 

My Dh knows a guy from work who died of a heart attack, he wants me to go along to the calling hours tonight. I don't know him or his family at all. I feel uncomfortable.

 

What's considered normal? Is anyone to go?

[Mejane]

I think calling hours are for those who are not intimate enough to attend the funeral. You only need to stay for 15 minutes or so and convey your sympathies; you don't need to be "chatty." I'm sure the family would appreciate it.

[Kathleen in VA]

I've never heard the term "calling hours" before. I'm guessing you are referring to what I have always known as "the viewing." This is where friends/family gather at the funeral home in the evening one or two days before the funeral and visit with each other, as well as view the deceased in the casket.

 

I think anyone is allowed to go to either the viewing or the funeral. From personal experience, the viewing is more personal and relaxed than the funeral. People are able to speak directly to the bereaved, express condolences, give hugs. etc. Of course, you can do that at a funeral if the gathering is small but it gets increasingly difficult to do if there is a large number of attendees.

 

Also, the viewing is more or less unstructured so you can come anytime between the designated hours without having to stay for the whole thing. You can slip in quietly, offer your condolences and then leave shortly after. It may be more convenient for some to attend the viewing since it is usually in the evening and doesn't interrupt the workday.

 

Perhaps your dh wants to attend the viewing so he can speak directly with those who are grieving. I know it would be uncomfortable for me if I didn't know anyone, but since it is a quiet sort of affair you would not be expected to keep up a conversation with anyone. You could just stand by with your dh and if you feel you must say something at any point, just tell them you are very sorry for their loss.

 

I know, again from my own experience, that it felt extremely comforting to see the viewing room filled with people (didn't matter if I knew them or not). Most folks do not spend a lot of time speaking directly to those most closely affected - they either end up chatting with each other or they just don't stay very long in the first place. The guestbook filled with signatures is also a great comfort to those grieving.

[Giraffe]

Actually - I always thought calling hours were the more intimate event. You're able to talk with the family, convey your personal sympathies, see the body (if it's a viewing time), etc.

 

Perhaps it varies by region?

[Giraffe]

I've never heard the term "calling hours" before. I'm guessing you are referring to what I have always known as "the viewing." This is where friends/family gather at the funeral home in the evening one or two days before the funeral and visit with each other, as well as view the deceased in the casket.

 

I think anyone is allowed to go to either the viewing or the funeral. From personal experience, the viewing is more personal and relaxed than the funeral. People are able to speak directly to the bereaved, express condolences, give hugs. etc. Of course, you can do that at a funeral if the gathering is small but it gets increasingly difficult to do if there is a large number of attendees.

 

Also, the viewing is more or less unstructured so you can come anytime between the designated hours without having to stay for the whole thing. You can slip in quietly, offer your condolences and then leave shortly after. It may be more convenient for some to attend the viewing since it is usually in the evening and doesn't interrupt the workday.

 

Perhaps your dh wants to attend the viewing so he can speak directly with those who are grieving. I know it would be uncomfortable for me if I didn't know anyone, but since it is a quiet sort of affair you would not be expected to keep up a conversation with anyone. You could just stand by with your dh and if you feel you must say something at any point, just tell them you are very sorry for their loss.

 

I know, again from my own experience, that it felt extremely comforting to see the viewing room filled with people (didn't matter if I knew them or not). Most folks do not spend a lot of time speaking directly to those most closely affected - they either end up chatting with each other or they just don't stay very long in the first place. The guestbook filled with signatures is also a great comfort to those grieving.

 

Said so much better than I did!

[klmama]

Your dh needs your moral support as he attends the visitation or funeral, as he DID know the man who died. This is more about supporting your dh than it is about whether or not you knew the deceased or his family. The family won't mind that you didn't know him yourself, since you are there wiith someone who did. Let your dh go first so he can greet the family and tell them how he knew the deceased, and maybe something he always appreciated about him. When it's your turn, shake their hands and tell them who you are: "I'm __'s wife. I'm sorry about ___." That's really enough. Again, this isn't about you knowing the deceased and being there to support the family, it's about your husband knowing him and wanting you there to support him.

 

As for which to go to - visitation or funeral - you can go to either one. I tend to go to visitations for acquaintances and both visitations and funerals for family and friends. In general, I would say that more people usually go to the visitation, as they are usually after working hours for most people. There's no hard and fast rule about it, though. However, if it's a Catholic wake and you aren't Catholic, you would probably want to find out what time they were saying the Rosary so your visit would be completed before that. Protestant visitations don't tend to have anything formal scheduled - just sign the guest book, go through the line, see the deceased, and greet the family.

[Old Dominion Heather]

I had to click to find out what "calling hours" were. We call it visitation. I think that visitation is more intimate, but I also think that it is morphing into a way for those who can't come to the funeral because of other commitments to be able to pay their respects.

 

Kathleen explained it well.

[kamom]

So it can be called the viewing, calling hours or visitation=)

 

Thanks everyone. It's the direct speaking to the family that I don't know, that is making me uncomfortable. I will go with him, but I was wondering if it's to personal for us to be included. I guess not.

[ereks mom]

I think that visitation is more intimate, but I also think that it is morphing into a way for those who can't come to the funeral because of other commitments to be able to pay their respects.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

I've never heard of "calling hours" either. We always call it "visitation".

[Dobela]

It may depend on where you live. Here we have a 'visitation' and it is very informal. That is when most people go and visit the family. The deceased is available for viewing, but not everyone does that. You can sign the guest books, give the personal you know a handshake or a hug, and chat for a few minutes with someone else you know. Other than expressing sympathy to the family, you are usually not expected to 'chat ' with them for long. Hopefully there will be many families and friends coming that can devote a bit of time to the grieving family. Typically the visitation lasts 3-4 hours and it is a come and go sort of thing - you come when you can and leave when you want. Often when we go to one we spend maybe 5 minutes with the family, unless we really know them, and then 15 or so visiting with someone else we know that came as well.

 

The funeral is formal here, much more personal, and with the services it would be very hard to give the family condolences.

[justasque]

I have gone to a service for one of dh's work colleagues. As a pp said, I went for my hubby as well as for the family. It's ok if you don't know them. They will appreciate you taking the time to go. You don't need to speak a lot.

[Mrs Mungo]

In my experience there are viewing times for family and then there is a viewing time for everyone else. The funeral home should be able to tell you the hours for everyone else.

[Dobela]

In my experience there are viewing times for family and then there is a viewing time for everyone else. The funeral home should be able to tell you the hours for everyone else.

If an obituary has been published, those are usually the community viewing hours. The family time is not typically published or announced. When my grandmother died in May, viewing times for family were the 2 hours prior to the open one. That gave us time to spend with her and to become accustomed to seeing her in the casket.

[angela in ohio]

Your dh needs your moral support as he attends the visitation or funeral, as he DID know the man who died.

 

I think calling hours are for those who are not intimate enough to attend the funeral. You only need to stay for 15 minutes or so and convey your sympathies; you don't need to be "chatty." I'm sure the family would appreciate it.

 

:iagree: You are going for your dh, not for the family. Dh has students or family of students die a few times a year, and I often go with him even if I've never met them. Like pp said, the comfort is in the number of people there, too.

 

In this area, visitations/calling/viewing is the more casual. The funeral is for family and friends only.

[Barry Goldwater]

The viewing (or visitation) is for acquaintenances and the public at large, funeral for close friends & family. I've attended visitation for co-workers that have passed on, and even for co-workers who have lost a close relative (dad, mom, brother, etc). It means A LOT to the surviving family, just showing up.

 

You don't need to stay long (<15 min) unless it seems appropriate to do so. Don't worry about having anything profound to say. No one that is grieving is likely to remember what exactly you say anyway. They'll just remember you were there, or see your name in the guest register, and it will be helpful to them.

 

As has been already said, you are supporting DH and DH's efforts to support surviving coworkers, & surviving family. I think it's very nice and considerate for you to attend.

[Renee in NC]

Actually - I always thought calling hours were the more intimate event. You're able to talk with the family, convey your personal sympathies, see the body (if it's a viewing time), etc.

 

Perhaps it varies by region?

 

We've always called it a wake and everyone who might know the person goes. In some small towns, everyone goes!

[Gwenhwyfar]

We've always called it a wake and everyone who might know the person goes. In some small towns, everyone goes!

 

that's exactly what (and how) i know them as.

[Crimson Wife]

I wasn't sure what "calling hours" were until I clicked on this thread and realized it was what I know as a "wake". If I didn't know the deceased well, I'd stop by the wake but not attend the funeral service.

[sweetbasil]

IME, visitation (what I've always heard it called) is for both those close to and those not close to the deceased and/or his or her family.

 

I have also comfortably brought my children to visitations for those they knew, whereas they were too young for the funeral itself.

 

If you didn't know the person very well or you have a major conflict with the funeral date, then you attend the visitation only. Close family/friends attend both. It's appropriate to skip the viewing and just go to the funeral, but I think it's nice to attend both to support the family if you are close to them.

Edited September 24, 2010 by sweetbasil

[OrganicAnn]

Also sign the guest book too. Because even if you don't talk to the family, they will often look through the guest book later and feel glad that so many people came.