Problems with dh working at home

[happyWImom]

I know many of you have dh's who work at home, and wanted to get your advice.

 

Dh is in sales, and used to travel a lot more than he does now-in fact, it's almost nonexistant. Which would be fine, except..... He never stays in his office, sits in his pj's most of the time, would do the crossword and drink coffee until 10am, watches tv, wanders around, etc....

 

Can you tell I'm at the end of my rope????

 

Part of it is that I'm majorly annoyed by it (I admit it) but the other thing I'm concerned about is the example it sets for our dc. I am not super strict about the schedule thing, but I think it's important for them to know that this is not the norm. We get dressed, we go about our day-we don't laze around every day, all day!!

 

Because he really doesn't have to do much, for the most part with his job. Checks the email, gets occasional calls. But many days, he doesn't get any calls. So, he watches tv, or plays games on the computer, or reads personal emails. If he was actually busy doing yardwork, other stuff, I think it would be okay, but do I want my dc exposed to this?

 

Do you think it's horrible of me to ask him to take his computer and go somewhere? Or, to travel more? He has the ability to travel, he just doesn't want to. And, as long as the sales are coming through, he isn't required to. His job is pretty unique, and because he's had this territory for almost 20 years, his customers basically order what they need without help-much. If there is a problem, that's when he has to travel.

 

Anyway, can you tell I'm a little at the end of my rope? Right now, he's watching Judge Judy, in pj's, and playing a game on his phone. While we are doing school.

[JenC3]

He needs a hobby. Lol. My dh has worked from home for several years now. My oldest barely remembers his "leaving" for work. We are fortunate that we have a house that has a separate cottage which is dh's office. My dh however, usually works around 6 hours a day (average), so he is working.

When dh is not working he is reading, playing with the kids, taking care of his bees, brewing beer, or doing some project I asked him to. He does play some games on the phone, but not when we are doing school. I'd put the kaibosh on that!

 

Can he teach something to one of the kids?

[Kathleen in VA]

How long has he been like this? I mean, I'm thinking if it were me, I'd enjoy a bit of a break from all that traveling and working - if I could make enough money to live on in the meantime, that is.

 

It's very hard to know how to advise since I don't think I have enough information. I understand why you're annoyed and why you think he is not setting a good example for the children, but I also think he probably deserves some downtime. Maybe you could spin it this way: Dad has worked hard for a lot of years and now, because he has worked hard for a very long time, he can sit back and take it easy for little while. Could be a real motivator, kwim?

 

Sounds like he's been a go-getter for a while now. He'll probably grow bored with just hanging out in his pjs and will figure out a better way to use his time soon. He just needs to decompress.

 

Is there any way you could get him to help you with teaching? When my dh is home, he sometimes pitches in by doing a science experiment or some project that requires more logic than my brain can handle.

 

That's assuming quite a bit though and, like I said, I don't think I have enough information to make a really good go at advice.

[Amy Jo]

I am in a similar situation, but as we have a small house and distractable children we (by "we" meaning I said he could agree or find a better solution) decided to limit computer / movies to evenings and non-school days. Our only issue is he has a back injury / pain, so sometimes he only wants to play on his computer. But overall, we are getting along, and my husband has been doing quite a few fix-it projects over the last few weeks.

 

I think he is interfering with your job. No different than if you stopped him from doing his job. And I think your concerns are all valid. I would sit down and talk to him (or lay out the law). I point blank asked DH if he wanted literate children, which made an impression on him.

 

Amy

[happyWImom]

How long has he been like this? I mean, I'm thinking if it were me, I'd enjoy a bit of a break from all that traveling and working - if I could make enough money to live on in the meantime, that is.

 

It's very hard to know how to advise since I don't think I have enough information. I understand why you're annoyed and why you think he is not setting a good example for the children, but I also think he probably deserves some downtime. Maybe you could spin it this way: Dad has worked hard for a lot of years and now, because he has worked hard for a very long time, he can sit back and take it easy for little while. Could be a real motivator, kwim?

 

Sounds like he's been a go-getter for a while now. He'll probably grow bored with just hanging out in his pjs and will figure out a better way to use his time soon. He just needs to decompress.

 

Is there any way you could get him to help you with teaching? When my dh is home, he sometimes pitches in by doing a science experiment or some project that requires more logic than my brain can handle.

 

That's assuming quite a bit though and, like I said, I don't think I have enough information to make a really good go at advice.

 

 

He worked hard when he was first learning the territory (before me) and when we got together, he went out of town a few nights, every other week. I was working full time until we had kids, so I guess I didn't notice things until I was home and in the midst of it.

 

He provides, and I do appreciate it, but it really is a dream job. He used to have to go to trade shows a few times a year, now, none.

 

The other negatives here, are the fact that we are all together ALL OF THE TIME! Maybe that would be okay in some families/marriages, but we are both pretty strong personalities, and I don't think it's a good dynamic for any of us. Because we both have our way of doing things-and they are not the same. There is definite conflict. In fact, we are going to start counseling. I know, probably TMI, but I just need help. I know I can be demanding and critical, but I think he has anger issues, and it doesn't help that we are all here, all of the time. Is it too much to ask for him to be out of the house on a regular basis? Like normal families?

[elegantlion]

How long has he been like this? I mean, I'm thinking if it were me, I'd enjoy a bit of a break from all that traveling and working - if I could make enough money to live on in the meantime, that is.

 

It's very hard to know how to advise since I don't think I have enough information. I understand why you're annoyed and why you think he is not setting a good example for the children, but I also think he probably deserves some downtime. Maybe you could spin it this way: Dad has worked hard for a lot of years and now, because he has worked hard for a very long time, he can sit back and take it easy for little while. Could be a real motivator, kwim?

 

Sounds like he's been a go-getter for a while now. He'll probably grow bored with just hanging out in his pjs and will figure out a better way to use his time soon. He just needs to decompress.

 

Is there any way you could get him to help you with teaching? When my dh is home, he sometimes pitches in by doing a science experiment or some project that requires more logic than my brain can handle.

 

That's assuming quite a bit though and, like I said, I don't think I have enough information to make a really good go at advice.

 

:iagree: My dh was out of work most of the summer. We were lazy, when he wasn't trying to find work, and it was nice. We all needed a break. I'm not saying this is true in your family but I think we have traded something valuable for a rush, rush kind of lifestyle. If men are the primary breadwinner in a family when do they get time to simply chill? Honestly, I'm on a kick to bring back the sabbatical. I even blogged about it. I know too many men who are stressed to their gills, pulled in too many directions, and don't have enough down time. I've seen a few of them snap in the last year with disastrous results. So if dad is sitting around in his pjs for a period of time, I wouldn't worry about the example it's setting, I'd applaud it, because it shows that you can take some time away and regroup and still be a family. Sorry, not to harp on you, op, but this is a soapbox issue for me lately. My dh is back to work and readjusting to being busy, but I wouldn't trade the time we had this summer, it was beneficial to all of us.

 

I do understand about dh's ability to disrupt class time and I'd remind him that even though he is enjoying his down time you are still working. Maybe plan a few more outings with the family, sneak away and leave dad in charge a few times.

[kwickimom]

It would drive me nuts. We dont school on days DH is home. My kids would never sit and pay attention or do independent work.

 

If it were me, I would ask him if it were possible that he goes elsewhere for a few hours a day so the kids can get their lessons done. Whether that be outside, a coffee shop, a friends house...whatever. I see nothing wrong with that. Just have a discussion with him about how it is not working for you and the kids.

[Rhonda in TX]

DH wants to work from home, but I live in fear of that happening! It really messes with our day when he does occasionally work here.

 

If you're going to start counseling, this is a valid point to bring up there. If you do talk to him about it outside of counseling, make sure you start with telling him how much you appreciate how he provides for the family. There are ways of wording things so they are not an attack on him.

 

Good luck with this. I know it can be very frustrating. DH and I also have the type of relationship that requires time apart from each other, so I know where you're coming from.

[Mejane]

My husband is either too long gone or too much here. When he's here and not busy in his office, he drives all of us crazy. Even the kids will tell him to 'please go away, Dad; I'm trying to do my schoolwork!' Eventually, if he's really bored, he'll go outside and cut down a tree or something. :001_smile:

 

I agree with elegantlion that one doesn't need to be busy all the time. I also agree with others, however, that if his un-busyness is interfering with school or family routine, a frank discussion about boundaries is in order. Good luck!

Edited September 21, 2010 by Mejane

[Guest janainaz]

My dh works from home also. He used to leave the house at 5:30am for a long commute and not get home until 6:30. He had a narcissistic psychopath for a boss that tortured him for over 7 years, and he did it for us. He is back at his old company, he has no commute, he earns plenty to provide our needs, and his life is without all the stress. He's a much happier person. He still bears the burden of providing, and that alone is stressful. He loves his job and knows how lucky he is to have it. He is at his desk all day, except for coming out for lunch and taking a couple of walks. If it were not for the walks, he may wear his pj's all day too. But he used to wear a shirt and tie - in 115 degree summer heat, and so I'd rather see him in his pj's! He really has it very easy and honestly, I am glad for that. I made a comment about him being on FB on and off throughout the day, and he pretty much put me in my place on that one.

 

Some men have to work very long hours to provide for their family. Some men choose to become a workaholic and spend very little time with their family also (which is not a great example, in my opinion). My dh has turned down jobs that would pay him a lot more money because he is teaching our kids how to choose freedom. You're not free if you have a lot of money stress because you can't pay the bills, but you are also not free if you take a job that is miserable all because someone is dangling a carrot in front of you. Bigger is not always better. There is a balance in life.

 

When my husband started working from home, I told my kids to leave him alone. They go say hi to him every now and then, but they are not allowed to bother him. We have our job to do, and he has his. We are all together, all the time, but we don't really see my dh all day. He's kind of off limits until he leaves his desk. But if he was hanging around the living room, in my space, I'd probably have to set some boundary on that. I would not be able to handle him having the TV on and distracting my kids in that way.

 

Can you ask your husband to hang out somewhere else? Or would he do little projects around the house if you asked him to? I never thought my dh would actually like a 'honey-do' list, but I found out that he does like it. He said it gave him something to tackle and accomplish. He's not lazy, but he's stubborn, and does not like to be told verbally what to do - but a list is right up as his alley.

 

Aside from any of that, all you can do is talk to your dh, and then accept what he has to say. You can't change your spouse, but I'm often suprised that when something is bugging me - my dh does listen to my feelings and take them into consideration. I often find out that he has a great perspective on things, and he opens my eyes to a side of a situation that I had not considered.

[HS Mom in NC]

I sounds to me like the problem is that he's not working from home. My husband has worked from home most of the last 12+ years now.

 

When I say my husband works from home, I mean he is in his office, working. (He is a programmer.) We have strict rules about the kids and mom leaving dad alone while his is working because he is working. When he is working, I don't ask him to watch the kids for any period of time, I don't ask him to run errands of any kind, and I don't talk to him at all unless it is truly urgent (which is very rare.)

 

Likewise, when I am schooling the kids, he does not come into the room or chat with us if we are working together or it they are working independently unless it is truly urgent. It's all about respecting each other's work. If either is being disrespected, it's ok to say so and demand a reasonable boundary. My mother often begins these kinds of discussions (usually directed at a particular sister-in-law) with the words, "I don't babysit adults..." (I grew up on a farm and learned that there was always some sort of work to be done and was expected to identify and accomplish it without having to be told in detail what it was-and that's while I was a KID.)

 

When my husband does not have work to do he does one of a few things if it's during typical work hours:

 

1. Increase his work skills/Network

He has learned more than half a dozen new programming languages and many new programming skills during down time over the years. He both reads about and practices them and adds them into his resume and portfolio. He also tries to keep in touch with others in the industry so he has a route to take should he need future work in this fragile economy.

 

2. Help around the house/Errands

He keeps a running list of things that need doing around the house and things that are related to our household and seizes the opportunity to get them done when work is slow. If errands need doing and he doesn't have anything else to do, it makes sense that he do them.

 

3. Prepare for Teaching/Teach

He teaches High School Math and Science (he integrates them to a large degree) to our older two. Since his job can mean times when he works lots of hours, and times when he works fewer hours, he doesn't waste down time on play. He keeps preparing himself and their lessons as far in advances as he can, so when time is short, the prep. work is already done and they can press on smoothly.

 

4. Family Activities

Since spare time is not in abundance most of the time, we sometimes have to plan a family activity when spare time pops up during typical school hours.

 

5. Plan special time with each child

When he has plenty of time away from work he finds something special to do with each child based on their interests and personalities.

[lllll]

..

[AHASRADA]

From the variety of situations everyone is describing, it seems like yours is a bit unique. I have a feeling your dh likely thinks he is entitled to hang around and play games, etc., because that is all that is required of him in order to bring home the bacon. There are men who see themselves as active members of the family who need to contribute around the house and with the kids, and those who feel their only job is breadwinner. The latter are the ones who drive their wives to work when they retire ;).

 

I agree with PPs that you need to find a way to discuss this matter without him feeling attacked or accused of being lazy; otherwise you won't get anywhere. Let him know how much you appreciate that his work (even if it is mostly past work) allows you to be able to homeschool, and that you understand he is enjoying reaping the rewards of all the hard work and long hours he put in for all those years. Once he gets that, then help him to understand that, while the house is his place of leisure, it is your workplace and the kids' school during the day. You want the kids to concentrate on their work and get a good education, and also develop a strong work ethic so they can work as hard at their dad did in order to be successful. Help him see that, when they see him playing games and lounging around, it's hard for them to concentrate because they want to play too. They are too young to understand that dad already paid his dues, and it is hard to explain why they have to sit still and work all day when dad doesn't. Then, maybe set up a man cave in the basement or garage, where he can have an "office", but also his own TV, mini-fridge, etc., out of sight, out of mind, during school hours.

 

Of course, ideally, he would take on some household responsibilities, help with teaching, etc., but this doesn't come naturally to some men. I think my suggestion needs to be put in place first, and once that has become routine (at least he isn't under foot all day!), he may decide on his own that he needs to help out (I know, wishful thinking). If not, then, once the relationship is restored/repaired and the hostility is gone, you could sweetly bring up the idea of him helping you out, or enjoying the kids since they grow up so fast, etc.

 

Best of luck!

[rafiki]

.

[Mom22ns]

When my husband does not have work to do he does one of a few things if it's during typical work hours:

 

1. Increase his work skills/Network

He has learned more than half a dozen new programming languages and many new programming skills during down time over the years. He both reads about and practices them and adds them into his resume and portfolio. He also tries to keep in touch with others in the industry so he has a route to take should he need future work in this fragile economy.

 

2. Help around the house/Errands

He keeps a running list of things that need doing around the house and things that are related to our household and seizes the opportunity to get them done when work is slow. If errands need doing and he doesn't have anything else to do, it makes sense that he do them.

 

3. Prepare for Teaching/Teach

He teaches High School Math and Science (he integrates them to a large degree) to our older two. Since his job can mean times when he works lots of hours, and times when he works fewer hours, he doesn't waste down time on play. He keeps preparing himself and their lessons as far in advances as he can, so when time is short, the prep. work is already done and they can press on smoothly.

 

4. Family Activities

Since spare time is not in abundance most of the time, we sometimes have to plan a family activity when spare time pops up during typical school hours.

 

5. Plan special time with each child

When he has plenty of time away from work he finds something special to do with each child based on their interests and personalities.

 

:iagree:

DH has worked from home for 18yrs now. He too is a computer guy. Most of the time he works fairly long hours. He ALWAYS works in his office and we ALWAYS leave him alone so he can work. However, when he has free time (waiting on a project or client response etc.) he does all the things listed above. He doesn't teach math and science, but has taught programming to DS.

[Mom0012]

He provides, and I do appreciate it, but it really is a dream job. He used to have to go to trade shows a few times a year, now, none.

 

The other negatives here, are the fact that we are all together ALL OF THE TIME! Maybe that would be okay in some families/marriages, but we are both pretty strong personalities, and I don't think it's a good dynamic for any of us. Because we both have our way of doing things-and they are not the same. There is definite conflict. In fact, we are going to start counseling. I know, probably TMI, but I just need help. I know I can be demanding and critical, but I think he has anger issues, and it doesn't help that we are all here, all of the time. Is it too much to ask for him to be out of the house on a regular basis? Like normal families?

 

I can totally relate to this. My husband started working at home full-time a couple of years ago. He has an office off of our kitchen and he keeps it filthy and so cluttered you can't walk into it. Think of the show Hoarders.

 

He does work hard, but he is on the phone from 8 am to 8 pm and he talks very loudly. I love him, but it just grates on my nerves so badly to have to listen to him talking on the phone all day. Also, if he gets upset with a vendor or is having a rough day, his tension can be felt all throughout the house. And of course, I'm right there for him to take his frustrations out on. We just never get a break from each other.

 

There are some benefits to having him home, but the negatives greatly outweigh them for me.

 

Lisa

[happyWImom]

My dh currently works from home 1-2 days per week. He takes his coffee, his cell phone, his air card, and his computer, and stays out in the camper to do his work. He also blasts CD's or the radio out there, I think. He only comes inside the house for food. Sometimes, I send a dc out to tell him something. And he usually takes some dc for a long walk at some point during the morning when he's working from home. Otherwise, we don't really see him when he's working at home.

 

Do you have some kind of an outside building your dh can use?

 

I keep trying to rack my brains to figure out where he could go. We live in Wisconsin, so any building would have to have heat-and in warm weather, air. So, that makes is tough. I have suggested a coffee shop, and things like that. The town that's near us (15min) has broadband throughout it, and he could go many places & use his laptop. He's not thrilled with my suggestions, though. He honestly doesn't see a problem, and feels I'm trying to kick him out. Like I said, half of the problem is the example it sets, and the other half is the personality conflict. I mean, you can love someone, but I think it takes a certain personality type to be together 24/7-literally, and have it work.

 

I'm hoping that some of this can be resolved in counseling.

 

And yes, I do agree that it is nice to have him home-sometimes, not all of the time. A happy medium would be great. I think it would benefit all of us, not just me.:001_smile:

 

I really, really appreciate all of your responses and support. It's so hard sometimes, and it's huge to be able to vent and feel cared for. About this, and many things. I'm so thankful for this forum & all of you!:grouphug:

[DarlaS]

Is there a place you could go for a few hours once or twice a week? If you could do school at the library there would very few distractions for the subjects that require it. Our (tiny little small town) library is awesome this time of year during the school day! There are a few little kids, adults and other home schoolers. That's it. There are even two quiet rooms if we need them with a table, whiteboard and 4 chairs.

 

Then when you're home, work on the things for which distractions are less of an issue (science experiments, art etc).

 

I know that doesn't solve the long-term issue, but for now might keep you from getting behind or harboring too much resentment while you work this out. It also (hopefully in non-combative way) really reinforces your point that the distractions are really an issue.

[Melissa in Australia]

MyDh was injured at work 10 years ago, and is unable to go back to work. we had an adjusting period of a few years, and have settled on a routine that works really well for both of us. he gets up in the morning, plays cards with the younger kids, until about 9.30, then goes out to the shed or garden for the whole day. he has a veggie patch bigger than a tennis court. he has a huge shed where he can tinker around all day. I don't go in the shed unless I am coming to tell him something. it is his space, he doesn't hang around in the house much, it is my space.

The only big problem that I have is that the shed and tinkering is WAY more fun for my boys than sitting at a desk doing math etc. I am constantly yelling out for them to come back in and finish their work,and the difficulty lies in that they are probably doing some real educational thing like pulling apart a 4stroke motor to work out how it works.

 

The thing is, it took YEARS for us to get to this stage. There was times that I was resentful of his time to himself, and times when I know he was completely frustrated by me.

[HS Mom in NC]

One of the keys to making working at home coexist with homeschooling is making sure dad has a real office.

 

1. A room with a door that closes. If it doesn't have a door that closes, it isn't an office.

 

2. A room for ONLY work type things: computer, phone, desks, file cabinets, separate phone number and/or phone line, etc. Let the parent working from home have their own kingdom-the schooling parent doesn't ever need to comment about the state of the office because it's not the schooling parent's territory. Nothing going on in the office should affect the schooling parent either. That way each has their own say about their own territory.

 

3. Soundproofing. There are panels (similar to dry wall) for soundproofing a room available at Home Depot. My husband screwed them onto the office door to dull the noise coming into the office at our previous home. (It also dulled the sound of his music coming from the office into the house.) Headsets and ear plugs can make it easier on the parent working from home if there are younger children in the house.

 

4. Strict rules about "inside" voice. From an early age we had to instill that indoor voices were for inside and outdoor voices were for outside.

[Teachin'Mine]

Two questions -

 

Who does he work for?

Are they hiring?

 

:D

[Rivka]

What would bother me about the situation is not so much him being home all the time, but the extreme imbalance in leisure time. I'm guessing that *you* don't have hours and hours of time each day with no responsibilities, in which you can read, play games, go online for fun, etc.? It would seriously bother me to be cooking, cleaning, homeschooling, taking care of the kids, running errands, etc., while my husband just had free time.

 

So if this were my family, I'd suggest that we make a list of all the things that need to be done, both outside the home and in. Then we would come up with a way to divide responsibilities a little more evenly.

[Danestress]

I don't see how you can possibly ask a man to vacate the house that he lives in and has worked his life to pay for because you don't like having him around during the day. It's his home. I think you would make a huge mistake to somehow imply that he is only welcome in it at certain times and according to your desires. Yes, he will feel kicked out.

 

I do think that you can ask him not to disturb or distract the kids when they are working. That is a different issue.

 

Perhaps you can make arrangements so that the children are not aware of what he is doing on the computer. Do they really need to know whether he is reading personal emails or business ones? Maybe you could make a space for DH where he has a computer and can read emails or play games without it really being in the children's faces. Kids are not really critical. They probably are not thinking about this as much as you are. For some kids, it would seem normal for Dad to have periods of leisure. If the games are noisy or visually distracting, though, I think it would be good to have a separate space for that - maybe he's in the bedroom during that time.

 

It would sort of irritate me to have my DH at home and at leisure like that, particularly if he were not helping at all with the normal household tasks, of which I have far too many. I need time alone and I am not good with interruptions. It took me a while to adjust to having my 22 year old more home for a while. Just one extra person felt like sort of an oppression. I had to remind him sometimes (and have, on occasion reminded DH) that this house is my 'work space' and in some areas, I need to be left alone to work MY way. So I understand why this is under your skin and there are some compromises he may need to make, but I think you have to pretend you loving having him around. It's HIS house too.

 

I think the real issue is why this isn't more fun for you. (it wouldn't be for me all the time either, so I am not implying you are somehow defective, but just that I would be mulling over this in my mind). Why are you not so in love that every minute he is home feels like a gift? Didn't you feel that way when you were young? Why don't you see his daily constant presence in his children's lives as a wonderful thing? (I can imagine the answers to this, believe me. But I would want this to be discussed in counseling) How many kids get that kind of time with Daddy?

 

Maybe in counseling you could agree to do a few more fun family things with this time - maybe cut back on "school" and do more cooking lessons. Daddy is home, so every few days you could do a really fancy family meal and a movie - that could include him and bless your kids. Or maybe take advantage of the fall weather by planning FAMILY outings to the park, for a hike, to a lake for canoeing lessons, to a rock climbing wall.

 

Good luck.

[The Girls' Mom]

Do you have a room that he can use as an office? With a door?

 

My dh has worked from home for around 6 years now. He too has periods with a lot of down time (not so much now that he's in school though) Anyway, what helped was that he kept his computer games and such behind his closed office door. When the door is closed, he's "at work", and we don't disturb him. We also don't know if he's taking a break and playing computer chess, or watching a DVD, or studying. We currently have our 3 dd's sharing a bedroom just so he can have this office. We'd go nuts otherwise.

 

He also respects our time enough to not come and disrupt (too often :lol:)

 

Now he DOES wear his PJ's all day sometimes...but then again so do we.