Had sad conversation with dd today... need encouragement

[DaisyMay]

My 11 year old dd is the sweetest child, so kind and hard working, but very shy. She is on the quiet side and is not very outgoing at all (much like me :)). We've always homeschooled.

 

Anyway, we were in the car today chatting about how our school year has been going. She brought up that some of the girls on her soccer team asked her where she went to school, to which she replied she was homeschooled. They asked about having friends. My poor daughter couldn't even name one friend she has. That made her feel pretty bad.

 

We do lots of social things & field trips with different homeschoolers, but she doesn't really have anyone she feels close enough to invite over to play. We haven't formed any real bonds even with kids that we see pretty regularly. None of my 3 kids have, and two of them are quite outgoing and friendly.

 

I'm feeling so bad about this! I'm already struggling with homeschooling. I guess I'm just looking for encouragement that everything will be ok. Maybe some advise on how to help her really make a friend would help. I don't know. I'm just feeling really sad for her.

 

Thanks for listening...

 

Gayle

[Granny_Weatherwax]

No advice but I can offer hugs :grouphug:

[duckens]

I have no deep wisdom for you, but lots of hugs for you and your kids.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

If it's any comfort, the summer I turned 12, my best school chum (I was public schooled) moved out of town, AND the family of my best friend from church changed churches. (We had a small church, so this left me alone again).

 

This was after a year of "waiting patiently" for my school friend to arrive at the middle school (she was a year behind me) and of being in a different class at Sunday School than my church friend (she was a year ahead of me). I had "waited patiently" all year to be closer to my two friends. It didn't work out that way.

 

It WAS a tough year for me, because I had waited and not complained and been philosophical...and it just didn't work out. :(

 

So, this happens to public school kids in established activities, too.

 

As an adult, I have the skills to understand that I would rather "be alone that wish I was alone," and to consider the time gained rather than lost as long as I spend the time doing things that I love to do.

 

But that was a tough year alone as a kid for me.

[Tidbits of Learning]

I would tell her that someone is your friend even if you don't have them over and they don't have you over. A friend is more than a sleepover or a playdate. A friend is someone you talk to, someone that you can see at an event and walk over and not be alone, someone that you like and likes you back.

Does she have anyone that fits this bill? I mean, my dd is homeschooled...her soccer team mates are not...she considers her soccer mates her friends. She only sees them at soccer. I would point out all the girls that she socializes with and show her that they are her friends by the way that they act towards each other in sports or social situations.

[Wendi]

Maybe you can help her by inviting another family from soccer or other group to come over for a cookout or something? Maybe she feels too shy to invite an acquaintance over to hang out, but if you invite the whole family over, it'll give her a chance to make a stronger connection with the daughter(s).

 

Wendi

[simka2]

Has she ever invited someone over to spend the night? When dd started to have friends over, I had to encourage her to invite them. You could make it something fun like a fall sleepover.

 

This was something I originally had to help dd with...then it took a on a madness all it's own ;).

[kalanamak]

I was a shy 11 year old, and not only didn't have friends at ps, but was made fun of. Girls who happened to touch me would run screaming about "germs" and touch the next girl who would run screaming and touch the next....etc.

 

So, glass half-full. She is spared the nasty girls at school.

 

Anyone from the soccer team interesting? Could you throw a team party?

:grouphug:

[Guest mrsjamiesouth]

My 11 year old dd is the sweetest child, so kind and hard working, but very shy. She is on the quiet side and is not very outgoing at all (much like me :)). We've always homeschooled.

 

Anyway, we were in the car today chatting about how our school year has been going. She brought up that some of the girls on her soccer team asked her where she went to school, to which she replied she was homeschooled. They asked about having friends. My poor daughter couldn't even name one friend she has. That made her feel pretty bad.

 

We do lots of social things & field trips with different homeschoolers, but she doesn't really have anyone she feels close enough to invite over to play. We haven't formed any real bonds even with kids that we see pretty regularly. None of my 3 kids have, and two of them are quite outgoing and friendly.

 

I'm feeling so bad about this! I'm already struggling with homeschooling. I guess I'm just looking for encouragement that everything will be ok. Maybe some advise on how to help her really make a friend would help. I don't know. I'm just feeling really sad for her.

 

Thanks for listening...

 

Gayle

 

I think at this age you need to make friends with moms who have similar-aged kids and invite them over. I met some people through homeschool field trips and church, we started with park days, and eventually moved to sleep overs. However, I hate sleepovers! We are no longer doing them, but the kids do have friends over.

[Garga]

Here's another vote for inviting some of the girls she knows over to play, one at a time. Doesn't have to be a sleepover. Just an afternoon with an aquaintence at your house. See if a friendship develops.

 

Friendships do NOT develop without time and one-on-one interaction.

[Mommyfaithe]

My 11 year old dd is the sweetest child, so kind and hard working, but very shy. She is on the quiet side and is not very outgoing at all (much like me :)). We've always homeschooled.

 

Anyway, we were in the car today chatting about how our school year has been going. She brought up that some of the girls on her soccer team asked her where she went to school, to which she replied she was homeschooled. They asked about having friends. My poor daughter couldn't even name one friend she has. That made her feel pretty bad.

 

We do lots of social things & field trips with different homeschoolers, but she doesn't really have anyone she feels close enough to invite over to play. We haven't formed any real bonds even with kids that we see pretty regularly. None of my 3 kids have, and two of them are quite outgoing and friendly.

 

I'm feeling so bad about this! I'm already struggling with homeschooling. I guess I'm just looking for encouragement that everything will be ok. Maybe some advise on how to help her really make a friend would help. I don't know. I'm just feeling really sad for her.

 

Thanks for listening...

 

Gayle

 

Are your kids close with each other?? My kids have always been best friends with each other and their cousins. They really didn't have time nor desire nor inclination to find other friends until they were teens....then they made a few really good friends who are a blessing and joy to them and even to me...

 

So, I wouldn't worry too much...and if you are REALLY worried...maybe YOU can scout out a few nice girls for her to have some girl time with...

 

Faithe

[Parrothead]

Since dd is an only I make a concentrated effort to make sure she has at least one best friend. This time, as it has worked out, she has three. One is a homeschooled only child a year behind dd and the others are a set of twins which go to church and Sunday school with dd. They are also homeschooled and are in the same grade as dd.

 

If you want to start looking for friends - or even for a bestie - you are going to have to make yourself available for pick ups and drop offs, encourage your dd to engage someone at activities. Tell her that she may invite someone home for a couple hours. Encourage her to invite someone over. If she is that extremely shy, gather your gumption and try to connect with the mom. You invite the friend over to play.

[Kari C in SC]

I think at this age you need to make friends with moms who have similar-aged kids and invite them over. I met some people through homeschool field trips and church, we started with park days, and eventually moved to sleep overs. However, I hate sleepovers! We are no longer doing them, but the kids do have friends over.

 

:iagree:

 

The first year we lived in SC, my kids didn't have very many friends. They had their homeschooled cousins. The first group I was involved in just didn't meet enough. The second year I was here - we looked high and low for an active group. Once we found it, I started a mini co-op out of my home on Fridays. Basically, I invited 3 families for a hands on school on Friday. From that my kids have made the best of friends. We also do a lot with the homeschool group and that provides further friendships. I love my homeschool family. I love these kids! I say go out of your comfort zone and get out to meet some people. Also tell your dd that I met my second best friend when I was 12. We were both very shy and awkward. 26 years later, she is the one I call at least once a week to sort through everything that is on my mind. Great friendships can form at that stage of life!

[Laurie4b]

It is often the case in homeschooling that the kids don't make friends as much as the moms make friends; iow, when the moms are friends and spend time together, the kids naturally do, too. With one exception, this was the pattern for my kids. Moms getting together with their families with other moms with their families tends to be the norm in homeschooling circles and the extent that you participate in that or not will impact your child's ability to form friends. It is hard to form friends in large groups that you meet in once or twice a week--like a co-op or a sports team or church. In ps or private school, kids are with each other for hours daily, so it's easier to make friends in that kind of setting than it is for homeschoolers whose moms aren't well-networked socially.

 

Though I am not shy at all, I am rather self-contained and don't have the need for the "girlfriend time" that other moms do. My kids have indirectly suffered because of that at times, so I have to make a concerted effort to do things with other families.

 

So my advice would be to take this very seriously and make it a priority for you, as the mom, to plan outings with other moms who have kids close to your children's ages. Friends are very important for kids. It's something that I wish I had worked harder on as a younger homeschooling mom. It's something I'm correcting with my younger two kids.

[Alenee]

It sounds like she has acquaintances. I would start there. You don't become friends without time spent together. Ask her if there's anyone she knows who she thinks she might like to get to know better. Have them over and see where it leads. Just my 2 cents!

[TXMomof4]

Are your kids close with each other?? My kids have always been best friends with each other and their cousins. They really didn't have time nor desire nor inclination to find other friends until they were teens....then they made a few really good friends who are a blessing and joy to them and even to me...

 

So, I wouldn't worry too much...and if you are REALLY worried...maybe YOU can scout out a few nice girls for her to have some girl time with...

 

Faithe

 

:iagree: If you asked my kids they wouldn't necessarily say they were best friends, but my kids love each other and really depend on each other's friendship. They have acquaintances at church and hs groups, but if they were going to choose someone to go to the movies with, it would be each other. It has really been helpful for them this past year to realize that even though we've moved to a new state and are starting from scratch getting to know people here, they always have someone with them to play with. When we move in a few years, their best friends will be moving with them!

[Ferdie]

Here's another vote for inviting some of the girls she knows over to play, one at a time. Doesn't have to be a sleepover. Just an afternoon with an aquaintence at your house. See if a friendship develops.

 

Friendships do NOT develop without time and one-on-one interaction.

 

:iagree: Could you set up a play date for her? My dd's best friend used to come to our house every week while her mom visited a friend in need. My ds's best friends are neighbors that he sees every day.

[Teachin'Mine]

:grouphug: Some kids, and adults, so better with one on one friendships rather than connecting in a large group. Ask her, and the others too, if there's anyone that they would like to become friends with. Then invite them over for a play date. Invite the mom and other kids too - if that would work out - and you'll have someone to connect with at the group get togethers too.

 

Another idea is to pursue one of her interests. Through that, she might connect with another child with a common hobby or interest.

[DaisyMay]

Thank you all for the encouraging replies. I really am grateful for all of the suggestions.

 

We get together with other families that homeschool. Usually it's mom's I'm friendly with and the kids just happen to play together. My dd has never really clicked with one of them. She really has never clicked with anyone besides her cousin who lives in another state. She's friendly, but not close with anyone. I guess I need to pursue a relationship with some of her acquaintances.

 

We do have a close family. My 3 kiddos play together all the time, which is probably why I never really put the need for friends as a high priority.

 

I will really make an effort in the coming weeks to help her connect on a more personal level with some of the girls we see most often.

 

Thanks again!

Gayle

[gpsings]

My 10 year old is going through this.

We also have lots of buddies in our homeschool group who aren't as close as we'd like. It's hard at this age, and I've been trying to encourage her by telling her that everyone -regardless of how they are schooled- is going through it.

I used to hide in the bathroom at school when I was younger because the other kids were so mean.

[StephanieZ]

:iagree:I have coached my kids ages 7-11 or so, encouraging them to pick an interesting child or two from the soccer team, church, etc to invite to a playdate, family outing (bowling, etc), etc until the friendship blossoms. It does, indeed, take a life of its own soon enough. I also throw outrageous b'day parties, which gives the kids a chance to nurture several friendships at once.

 

Here's another vote for inviting some of the girls she knows over to play, one at a time. Doesn't have to be a sleepover. Just an afternoon with an aquaintence at your house. See if a friendship develops.

 

Friendships do NOT develop without time and one-on-one interaction.

[holdoll]

:grouphug:

 

My heart goes out to your daughter! I remember when my oldest was that age and didn't have any friends either. We thought we were the only home schoolers in town. Friendships were never formed at sports or field trips. We shared many tears together.

 

Then on our homeschooling yahoo group, a mom posted that her daughter was lonely for friends and offered to put on a "picnic" at a local park. She had name tags and "get to know you games" that forced the girls to talk to each other in really fun ways. Everyone brought a snack.

 

Only about 12 girls showed up. My dd warily participated. She ended up making a friend that lived down the street from us! They are still friends even though we moved across country. I wish we had thought of posting on that yahoo group many years before.

 

Put something out there! It's scary, but the reward is worth it!

[i.love.lucy]

Try to get her input into who she'd like to get to know better. I helped my dd figure this out regardless of whether I clicked with the mom. Sometimes she likes the girl more and more, other times it's very clear that they just aren't going to click as well and we let it go. My dd currently has one really awesome BFF that she has loved since ps kinder. That girl still goes to ps so it's a challenge to keep them in touch but the mom and I (friendly but not real friends) make an effort for them. She has another very close friend that she needs in smaller doses. That girl is in private school, so again, it's an effort. Heck, it's a huge effort even with the homeschoolers we know! She's identified a newer friend from our hs support group that she'd like to get to know better so I will try to work with the mom on getting them together. And she's getting some new friends in our co-op.

 

I'd ask her to think about every girl her age (approximately) that she knows and pinpoint 2 that she'd like to get to know better. Then find a way to make it happen. Invite the girl over. Or just you take the two of them to a movie. Or meet the family at the park. You might have to act as the ice-breaker and conversation mover. Like a Matchmaker!

 

:grouphug: