What do I do?

[ciyates]

This year has been really hard on my family emotionally. We are set to leave tomorrow morning for our first mini vacation in many years. We will be gone until Monday evening. We desperately need this time together away from the home front for us to relax and enjoy one another again.

 

My sister just called crying. My father is going into have his foot amputated tomorrow morning. This is due to diabetic complications (he completely brought this on his self). My family lives 12 hours from me. I could use our vacation and drive down there to be with them. But I just don't want to. I know that sounds terribly cold and callous. I know my sister has dealt with my dad since June when he went into ICU for diabetic complications. I am so torn by guilt and duty to my dad that I go home. However I feel that my husband and son need some time to laugh and enjoy themselves. What do I do?

 

I thought I may send them off on vacation and I fly down but it is going to cost over 1000 (this is with the special rate for medical) for me to fly home and I just can't afford it.

[bookfiend]

Which will you regret more in 6 months?

[SproutMamaK]

This may not be a popular opinion here, but I would go with your husband and son. Obviously you guys need this time together, and while you do have responsibilities to your father, your PRIMARY responsibility is to look after the good of your immediate family, emotionally and financially. Actually, we it my father, he wouldn't even WANT me to cancel family plans - he might even be more annoyed at himself for having been the cause of it.

 

All this is assuming, though, that you don't have the option of pushing your family vacation back a bit. But really, if you truthfully can't afford the money for the trip anyways, what difference does it make what you WOULD do if you COULD afford it?

[unsinkable]

This year has been really hard on my family emotionally. We are set to leave tomorrow morning for our first mini vacation in many years. We will be gone until Monday evening. We desperately need this time together away from the home front for us to relax and enjoy one another again.

 

My sister just called crying. My father is going into have his foot amputated tomorrow morning. This is due to diabetic complications (he completely brought this on his self). My family lives 12 hours from me. I could use our vacation and drive down there to be with them. But I just don't want to. I know that sounds terribly cold and callous. I know my sister has dealt with my dad since June when he went into ICU for diabetic complications. I am so torn by guilt and duty to my dad that I go home. However I feel that my husband and son need some time to laugh and enjoy themselves. What do I do?

 

I thought I may send them off on vacation and I fly down but it is going to cost over 1000 (this is with the special rate for medical) for me to fly home and I just can't afford it.

 

:grouphug:

 

I think you should go on your vacation and then go support your sis and dad when you get home.

 

Your dad & sis are in for a long haul. The first few days are traumatic but that doesn't mean that they won't need you after the first few days, KWIM?

[Liz CA]

I think it's too late to change plans. This is very short notice to cover a distance of 12 hrs.

I would go on the trip you planned with your family and see if you can stay in cell phone reception areas where you can get updates on the surgery or make calls yourself.

Amputation is horrifying but he will be alive and you will still be able to see him at another time. Even if you were there you could not change anything right now.

Perhaps you could send your sister some kind of gift basket to acknowledge that she is bearing the stress primarily since she is the one who is close by. Telephone contact and perhaps a planned get-together at a later time once your Dad has recovered would be nice.

[Gooblink]

This may not be a popular opinion here, but I would go with your husband and son. Obviously you guys need this time together, and while you do have responsibilities to your father, your PRIMARY responsibility is to look after the good of your immediate family, emotionally and financially. Actually, we it my father, he wouldn't even WANT me to cancel family plans - he might even be more annoyed at himself for having been the cause of it.

 

All this is assuming, though, that you don't have the option of pushing your family vacation back a bit.

 

:iagree:

[Renthead Mommy]

There is nothing helpful you can do at the hospital. If you want, check in with your sister by cell every few hours.

 

They'll take your dad in for surgery. He'll be there for recovery for awhile I'm sure. Will they even let him come home right away or will he go to a care facility/rehab for awhile first? Either way, you standing there won't do them or your family any good.

 

Go on vacation. Recharge yourself. That way, when they do need actual, physical help, you can go down then.

[Dobela]

There is nothing helpful you can do at the hospital. If you want, check in with your sister by cell every few hours.

 

They'll take your dad in for surgery. He'll be there for recovery for awhile I'm sure. Will they even let him come home right away or will he go to a care facility/rehab for awhile first? Either way, you standing there won't do them or your family any good.

 

Go on vacation. Recharge yourself. That way, when they do need actual, physical help, you can go down then.

:iagree: Maybe you can schedule another time to help your sister when/if he is released from the hospital.

[GWOB]

There is nothing helpful you can do at the hospital. If you want, check in with your sister by cell every few hours.

 

They'll take your dad in for surgery. He'll be there for recovery for awhile I'm sure. Will they even let him come home right away or will he go to a care facility/rehab for awhile first? Either way, you standing there won't do them or your family any good.

 

Go on vacation. Recharge yourself. That way, when they do need actual, physical help, you can go down then.

 

:iagree: Well said. There is nothing you can do at the hospital. You should go on vacation, rest, relax, and come back full. You will be much more helpful that way.

[Corraleno]

There is nothing helpful you can do at the hospital. If you want, check in with your sister by cell every few hours.

 

They'll take your dad in for surgery. He'll be there for recovery for awhile I'm sure. Will they even let him come home right away or will he go to a care facility/rehab for awhile first? Either way, you standing there won't do them or your family any good.

 

Go on vacation. Recharge yourself. That way, when they do need actual, physical help, you can go down then.

:iagree:

 

Jackie

[Jennifer in MI]

There is nothing helpful you can do at the hospital. If you want, check in with your sister by cell every few hours.

 

They'll take your dad in for surgery. He'll be there for recovery for awhile I'm sure. Will they even let him come home right away or will he go to a care facility/rehab for awhile first? Either way, you standing there won't do them or your family any good.

 

Go on vacation. Recharge yourself. That way, when they do need actual, physical help, you can go down then.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Really. Go. Recharge. Enjoy your family.

[Guest ME-Mommy]

I'm going to go against the majority here and say that if it were MY father, I couldn't go on vacation knowing that he was being operated on.

 

In 2001, my father went in for surgery and never came home...:crying:

[SailorMom]

:auto:

Go on vacation.

[Unicorn.]

There is nothing helpful you can do at the hospital. If you want, check in with your sister by cell every few hours.

 

They'll take your dad in for surgery. He'll be there for recovery for awhile I'm sure. Will they even let him come home right away or will he go to a care facility/rehab for awhile first? Either way, you standing there won't do them or your family any good.

 

Go on vacation. Recharge yourself. That way, when they do need actual, physical help, you can go down then.

 

:iagree: Call and check on him periodically, but this isn't something I would consider so terrible that you need to be there. :grouphug:

[Danestress]

When my Dad was having surgeries, rehap stays, dying, my sisters were always there for me. They couldn't always be right there physically, but I knew that if I called and said, "I really need you" they would make it happen. We were not always the closest, but this really was a deal changer for me.

 

I absolutely disagree that there is nothing you can do at the hospital. I would not have left my Dad alone in the hospital for 3 minutes under those conditions. When he was in pain or having post operative delusions or otherwise needed a family member, we were with him all the time. Someone slept there every night. Not because we are martyrs or some kind of especially diligent daughters, but because he needed someone. Eventually, we got to where we left him overnight in rehab, but it was scary, and we actually ended up hiring a private nurse to stay there for a while. I could not look at a Dad in pain and confused, drugged up and scared and say, "Okay, see you tomorrow." Maybe I could have if I absolutely had to, but I would have cried my eyes out. It was good to have a sister. And after long experience, I know better than to think that the hospital is really able to give him to constant presence he needed. They would swear on a stack of bibles that they could have "sitter" come, and the person wouldn't come, wouldn't stay, or whatever. Nurses are busy.

 

Call your sister. Ask her what she really needs. Maybe she would say that she would rather have you come for a few days next week than come now. I know as the more 'care giver daughter,' it was hard for me to leave my Dad when things were at their worst, anyway. I would have taken "coming in four days." But I would at least ask.

 

It's so hard to do the right thing. And it's hard to be in your position because no matter what you do, you will feel guilty. Everyone needs you. But honestly, if your DH's Mom were having her foot amputated tomorrow, wouldn't you pretty much make him go? You wouldn't want to be on a vacation with him knowing that she was suffering and he could comfort her or his siblings.

[Harriet Vane]

I actually had to make almost the same decision. It was excruciating.

 

I have an aunt who is only six years older than me. We grew up in many ways as sisters--our mothers had a business together, so I was at my aunt's house every single day for many years. We also lived together for two years.

 

Shortly after giving birth to her fifth child, my aunt's new baby nearly died and had to spend months in the hospital. I spent a LOT of time during those months caring for my aunt's other four children. Several months later (6-7??) we learned that my aunt has a brain tumor. Her first surgery was an unbelievable success, and we were told she would be well for 10-15 years.

 

Four months later my aunt was hospitalized again. The tumor had grown and mutated, and she needed surgery. I learned of this just days before we were set to leave for a family vacation. She would be in surgery on our first night out.

 

I was under considerable pressure to go ahead with the vacation. We'd had a really rough year between the intensity of helping with my aunt's family as well as some intensity in our own lives (no details here, but it was a very, very, very hard year in more ways than one).

 

While we were on the road, driving to our vacation destination, I learned that there was no one available to watch my aunt's kids during the surgery. I had already been feeling horrible about being away, but knowing the kids would be alone, at the hospital, or with strangers, clinched it. We turned around.

 

I still feel enraged when I consider the pressure put on me to go ahead with my vacation. Absolutely enraged.

I have never regretted turning around, staying with the kids, and praying through the long day and night for that surgery. My ONLY regret has been thinking that I could go on vacation knowing what was happening to my aunt and her family.

 

Losing a limb is major. Personally, I would not be able to relax and enjoy a vacation under those circumstances. I also think it likely that your family may have some bitterness about your not being there. In your shoes, I would probably try to find a way to help in a meaningful way.

 

Sorry--I am truly sorry. I know exactly how gutwrenching and awful it is. :grouphug:

[cin]

If you could reschedule the vacation that might be an option. Honestly, will you be able to relax and recharge? Will you constantly be thinking that maybe you should have gone to see your family? Will you be constantly wodnering how dad is doing? And, while I hate to say this, if he's diabetic, is there a chance he could pass during the surgery and recovery time? Just my thoughts on an emotionally wrenching situation....