Dealing with a child consumed by outside activities

[Rebecca VA]

Does anyone here have a child so consumed by a non-academic activity that it takes the "best" of them and leaves the dregs for schoolwork? How do you handle this? What if the activity time could not be cut down without hindering or destroying the child's progress?

 

Let's say this activity is one that is unlikely to lead to a career. The child pursues it because she loves it. But it takes many hours a week (with the certainty of even more hours during the high school years), sapping her strength and occupying her thoughts. She is about to start a challenging school year carefully planned around her abilities and interests, but all she's concerned with is whether schoolwork will take up too much of her time. She never gets around to doing chores because she runs out of time every day.

 

She isn't growing spiritually. She is growing more and more out of step with her homeschooled friends who have other interests. She never picks up a book. She compares her lot in life to that of her public-school activity peers and is incensed that her schoolwork is harder.

 

After years of trying to manage this, would you forbid the activity in the hope that she would get a life? Remember, the activity hours cannot be cut down without destroying her progress and goals.

[JennW in SoCal]

There was a thread a few years ago that dealt with busy kids:

 

high school with busy kids

 

Good heavens, I would NEVER forbid an activity that my child loves. And how can you know it won't somehow translate into a career? Is it ballet, by chance? Or a sport? Even if she is never a professional ballerina or soccer star, there is a life for those who love movement, whether teaching, or physical therapy or other related fields. She will probably continue the activity well into her adult life.

 

But you make it sound like she is unhappy. Is she happy when she is at this activity? Does she have friends there? Does she have positive adult role models there? I think that is the issue you need to address and understand that perhaps the life she has is not the life you think she should have. Neither of my kids has had much in common with their homeschool friends during the teen years. As they matured and specialized they didn't want to hang out with kids who had no ambitions, no interests but just wanted to do nothing but "hand out".

 

You don't say how old your dd is, but I gather she isn't in high school yet, so she's what 13 or 14? That is a BRUTAL age! Even if she is much busier by the time she is 16, you'll have a more mature teen who can start planning what she'd like to do with her life. I'd tweak school work even more for her -- how about audio books, or biographies of professionals in her field of interest? How about covering the history of dance ?(Or sports or whatever it is.) She needs the skills, but you don't have to kill each other over the content. In other words, your dream of a WTM education is going to have to change, but it doesn't mean she won't become well educated.

 

Anyway, read that thread I linked. I hope it helps settle your own heart.

[Rebecca VA]

She is happy when she's there (it's ballet). She doesn't actually have any good friends at the ballet school, but the teachers respect and like her because she's so eager to do well.

 

The problem is that she sees ballet as something that the rest of her life should revolve around. Her dad and I see ballet as a nice afterschool activity. We're glad she enjoys it -- but she needs to put schoolwork first. She should also be helping around the house with a cheerful attitude. After these reasonable expectations are met, we have no problem with her taking ballet.

 

I can't tell you how many times she has sobbed and complained about how horrible her life is and how cruel we are to expect her to do well in school. She doesn't have an outrageous workload, though she does work slowly. Many of her homeschooled friends are taking Omnibus, TOG, and other heavy loads, and I don't even try to push that on her because she's not a reader and deep thinker. She is so resistant to reading that I have to read her books aloud with her, which takes many, many hours. She resists showing her work in math. We watch a lot of DVDs because she won't read historical fiction. She's a smart girl, but I don't feel that she really values her education.

 

She's living in an unreal world. Ballet is not the epitome of life, especially when you're not professional ballerina material. She needs to be more grounded in reality, in my opinion.

[Nan in Mass]

My children are non-academically oriented. I am counting on their learning non-academically many of the lessons that other children learn through academics, like self-discipline, setting goals, breaking down a large task, concentration, endurance, perserverance, hard work, practice, etc. Two of mine have already learned those skills very well indeed via non-academic pursuits like gymnastics and music and sailing and peacewalking. The youngest is well on his way to learning them via gymnastics and strategy games and peacewalking. It is very frustrating as the planner of their school year, but I just try to keep reminding myself that these are valid ways of learning as well. I try to keep school to a minimum, concentrate on teaching them academic skills so they can teach themselves later, either at college or on their own, and try to make sure that they put enough time in that some colleges will want them. They have to learn to write, problem solve, and think, and they have to read lots of non-fiction books, and they have to finish a math book every year. I count myself lucky if we manage to accomplish anything else. We do school first thing during the day and I try to make sure that they get enough sleep that they are able to get up early and do it. I am willing to provide coffee and put an easy subject first, but then they have to be able to concentrate after that. We have an ending time so that they know that their own time is safe from being eaten up by school time. The last two years of high school, when they are taking some community college courses, the ending time doesn't always work, but the rest of the time, I am very careful to honour that. It is very frustrating not to be able to do your best job at educating them academically, but in the end, it is worth it because you have a child who at least tries to work hard at learning the things you have agreed upon, rather than one who fights you all the way. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink, and all that. I would definately not take the activity away. I would worry that the child would never forgive me. I can't imagine that a teenager who had that happen would be willing to cooperate with you on anything, especially if the teen knew schoolwork was to blame for the taking-away of their beloved activity. Educating an older child is requires the child's good will and consent unless you create a jail.

 

Hugs. Believe me - I know exactly how frustrating this is. I have two great college students who are still close parts of the family and it is because we worked school in around their interests. They are curious and hard working and interesting adults. It is well worth doing.

 

-Nan

[jfletcher8091]

 

The problem is that she sees ballet as something that the rest of her life should revolve around.

 

 

My daughter is this way, as well. I call it passion. I feel that she is very lucky, because there are many people who never even find their passion, much less have the opportunity to pursue it.

 

Even if it does not turn into a career, it is something that she can love for her entire life. I would not forbid it, but instead try to work with her on finding a balance in her life.

[Nan in Mass]

How old is she? If she is 13 or 14 or even 15, that is the age when you sort of have to argue them into showing their work in math, writing more, and reading harder material. It is very difficult. It produces tears. Eventually, everyone gets used to it and it is easier.

 

Maybe she'll have her own ballet studio one day. Or maybe she will move on to be a gym teacher or a personal trainer or a coach or do sports medicine. Dance is a great emotional outlet and teens desperately need one to keep themselves stable. I did ballet. I attribute my ability to homeschool to the self-discipline I learned there, and my ability to learn Latin or anything else I want to learn.

 

Hugs,

Nan

[JennW in SoCal]

I can't tell you how many times she has sobbed and complained about how horrible her life is and how cruel we are to expect her to do well in school.

 

 

Oh my. There is nothing like sharing your life with a teen with a flare for the dramatic! I feel your pain as my oldest was a theater geek, and while he didn't give me dramatic scenes about school, he gave some award winning performances over other issues.

 

It will get better as she matures. Which doesn't help you this week, but more rational beings do develop out of hormone wracked young teens. Sounds like you are already tweaking things to fit her, and you certainly do deserve a cheerful member of the household.

 

Of course your dd needs to prepare for a life outside ballet. But I also want to add that you'd be surprised what kind of careers come from people who have a passion but not the innate talent to be professional. My theater geek kid is studying to be a lighting designer. My dh is a professional artist, but there are people in his studio running the business end of things who love art but don't have the skills to create art. I'm a violin teacher and freelance musician who didn't major in music because I knew I wasn't Julliard material -- it never occurred to me that there would be so many opportunities for a good but not great violinist.

 

Hang in there! I hope you find some way to reach her, mother to daughter, so you can find some way to talk about these things without the high drama.

[In The Great White North]

How old is she? If she is 13 or 14 or even 15, that is the age when you sort of have to argue them into showing their work in math, writing more, and reading harder material. It is very difficult. It produces tears. Eventually, everyone gets used to it and it is easier.

 

:iagree: This issue has nothing to do with ballet (we have no ballerinas here and it has still been an issue) and everything to do with the increased workload expected as they get older. They can't do the elementary workload forever but they sure would like to.

 

Of course your dd needs to prepare for a life outside ballet. But I also want to add that you'd be surprised what kind of careers come from people who have a passion but not the innate talent to be professional. My theater geek kid is studying to be a lighting designer. My dh is a professional artist, but there are people in his studio running the business end of things who love art but don't have the skills to create art. I'm a violin teacher and freelance musician who didn't major in music because I knew I wasn't Julliard material -- it never occurred to me that there would be so many opportunities for a good but not great violinist.

 

 

:iagree:This too. Aside from teaching ballet, there are related fields of choreography, exercise physiology, personal trainer, physical therapist, etc. The challenge is to get her to see the possibilities and work hard enough at her schoolwork to keep them all open.

[Myra]

I know this probably won't help you....but, in a way, I envy that your teen has a passion! My children don't complain when I have them do school work - they "just do it" and "get it done". If I sign them up for an activity like fencing, they go and participate on the "fringe" and "get it done" - no passions at all! If I suggest they call a friend and get together for the afternoon, they "do it" until I suggest they call again! Yikes - I'd trade some "agnst" for some "passion'.

 

Myra

[EmilyK]

I'm hoping a ballet/dance mom can weigh in -- and this is of no help on the academics issues you've raised. But based on a few friends I've had with dance focused kids, it *can* take a lot of time and be a main focus of the kids' life.

 

I'm not clear from the posts which type of dance situation you're in. Certainly people take ballet (or dance) as an afterschool activity, and that's that. But kids at the middle or high school level that want to get serious start putting a lot of time into it. Often a good dance school will direct you into whether you "should" be putting that sort of time for it. But I've known some kids who may not make it big time in the dance world still have a great time being very focused on dance (better than some things they could have been involved in) and go on to teach as an adult, or manage a dance company, etc.

 

This isn't answering your questions about academics and chores; sorry.

[at the beach]

How many hours a week is your daughter dancing? Also, what is her academic schedule?

 

I have a 13 yo who is focused on dance. She loves ballet but is not in a strictly ballet studio. She studies tap, jazz, modern, acro-dance, musical theatre, ballet (twice a week and would do more if she could) and is in performance group. This fall, she'll be at the studio at least 15 hours a week, which includes time on Saturdays. Her studio is about as serious as you can find in our local area. That said, if she could be at a ballet school, she would. She is content for now but is eyeing a pre-pro school summer intensive for next year that is about an hour away (!). I know it would be a major pain to get her there every day, but I would probably consider it if her teachers supported the idea.

 

It's not easy. But it is her passion. So, I want to honor that as best I can. I spent several hours today trying to get a schedule down for next year for her school work that will not result in her spending all day on studies. I hope it is reasonable, but we'll have to wait and see. My girl does love to read, though, and is academically oriented, so I am not really facing the complaining that it sounds like you are. If she wasn't interested in academics, I'd probably start utilizing community college in the near future for her and be asking her to think about what she'd like to do that would give her the ability to earn a decent living as a back-up plan. Have you talked to your child about what she wants to do with her future? There is a teacher at my daughter's studio who is also a dietician. She still has dance as a large part of her life.

 

In your position right now, I would try to have a heart to heart with my child and see what she sees for her future and then see how you can work together to help her reach those goals.

Edited July 31, 2010 by Violet

[Alyce]

Your dd is consumed with ballet. Having a passion is a good thing but it can't come before her schooling. My dd started ballet when she was little. She is very good at it and is going to school with ballet as her major. She will never be a Prima Ballerina but she is good enough to make it into a good company. I supported her passion which included several hours at the studio and on the weekends by the time she hit high school but her academics always came first and she knew it. If her school wasn't done she didn't go. I can rarely think of a time when she missed that goal and if your dd's passion is that great she can do it too. Academics have to be important especially if you're a dancer. Most dancers are done by the time they are 30. They have either had a lot of injuries (which happens quite a bit with a dancer) or the companies themselves will quit hiring because they are seen as too old. Every teacher my dd has had said they had to left dance for these reasons. Yes many of them now teach dance but unless you have money to run your own studio you don't make much money. Your dd will have to have something to fall back on, which is also something almost all her teachers have told their students. When dd told us she wanted to be a ballerina and decided she wanted to go to college we insisted that she have a second major. We told her she needed this because someday she would no longer be able to dance and because it's extremely hard to get in with a dance company and many dancers have to find outside jobs to support themselves while they try to get into a company and many times to supplement the money they recieve from a company. I don't know what will happen to my dd and she still has her passion but we always insisted that academics came first. I'd have a talk with her but give her limits. If she can do her work that great, if not no ballet. Her age does add a drama queen factor that has to be dealt with but in the long run she'll understand as she matures.

Edited July 31, 2010 by Alyce

[Deb in NZ]

no dancers here, but both my boys play sports on a representative level (gymnastics & field hockey) & are highly involved in seascouts. These activities can take 20+ hours / week during their competitive seasons. We work school around their passions.

 

Dd had at least 20-25 hours weekly of non-academic activities her last couple years at home. It was these activities that helped her to find her passion & get accepted into the tertiary program where she is now studying. During her interview, the school was not concerned that she did not have the academic "credits" that a PS student would normally have when applying. Instead they were very impressed that she had found ways to "work" in the field that she wanted to study. I was a bit worried that we hadn't prepared her enough for university level work, but her grades are fine & in many ways she was better prepared for moving away to study than her roommates who were in PS. Dd & I were jsut speaking about her lack of academics (when compared to her PS friends) the last 2 years of her HSing. She believes that if I did not allow her the time for her outside activities that she would not be where she is now. Many of her PS friends who did very well academically are now working in shops, etc., not pursuing their dreams.

 

Ds#1's activities (seascouts, gymnastics, sailing, scottish drums) won't directly lead to a career, but the skills he has developed thru them are extremely valuable & could not be taught academically. Leadership, teamwork, attention to detail, physical strength, agility, dependability, confidence, respect, etc. have helped him more in his pre-apprenticeship courses at polytech than most of what we studied as part of his HSing. Do we forget about the "schoolwork"? NO...but we do put it in perspective of his goals. I have my own goals for him, but as it is his life I do give his goals more weight.

 

Ds#2's activities (seascouts, sailing, field hockey, violin) take up many hours during the week & most weekends. This year we sat down & looked at what we felt he needed to work on to be prepared for the entrance exams at the local boys highschool by the end of this year. We are looking at this option as he could go further in his sailing & hockey through the school. We may yet decide to HS for another year or two or even until he begins at polytech at age 16. But we wanted him to be prepared either way. I pared down ds#2's work to what I felt was the most important work for his goals that could reasonable be expected to be finished in 4-5 hours a day. Maths, Latin, Science gets the best time daily. English is covered through these subjects. Literature is a mix of books to read & audiobooks as ds#2 isn't a fast reader. I feel that what he's covered so far this year is "at least as regular & as well as" his PS friends. Next year he wants to fit in a half day of work-experience if he is still HSing. This will mean an earlier start to our day.

 

I have a few friends who have dc that are serious dancers. They take British exams in dance. These exams also require study other than the actual dancing, such as writing papers on the history of a certain dance or country. Their children may or may not go onto become a professional dancer or open their own studio. But if not, the skills that they have learned will benefit them they whole life. The ability to focus on a long-term goal, and put the time & effort in to be successful can be transfered to any career.

 

JMHO,

[lmrich]

I would find her a mentor that would serve her well. There are many careers that incorporate dance, but it is helpful for her to know what skills will compliment her dream. She also needs to realize how much money she can actually make as a dancer and how much money it will take her to live the way she wants to. And how much money she can make with this or that degree or this or that skill set. It can be eye opening to know that the average actor makes less than minimum wage. But let her mentor tell her that.

 

Best of luck!

Edited July 31, 2010 by lmrich

[parias1126]

My daughter has danced for years, although she is not as passionate about it as your daughter is. As a mom, if it was my daughter, I would think that was wonderful. I would never assume that it isn't going to lead to a career because it very well could. She could end up owning her own dance studio, getting into some type of choreography (sp?), or lots of others things. It is a wonderful thing that she has so much passion for one thing. I think that says a lot about her personality, one being that she will definitely make something of herself one day (no matter what she chooses to do).

 

As I said, my daughter wasn't as passionate about it as your daughter. It did consume a lot of time (and money). I finally told her this year that we were not going to dance anymore (but only because she is now 17, 18 in a couple months) and I just can't afford to spend the money I have been spending for the last 9 years.

 

I would just sit down and have a talk with your DD and explain that you are very proud of her and love that she is so passionate about it, but that school is also very important. Maybe give her a "checklist" of the things that need to be done everyday (including schoolwork) BEFORE she is allowed to do anything pertaining to ballet.

 

If she is good at what she does, it definitely could be a career one day soon. :)

[Starr]

My dc's passions have to come with a cheerful attitude most of the time. And they need to do their school work and chores. We have to regroup regularly and keep at it but those are the goals. Dd knows if she doesn't get things done I will keep her home and tell her music professor why. (Or I threaten to and that's good enough.) There isn't any reason for her to give you a hard time. If she can't handle all of the activity I would consider cutting back on dance.

[KnitWit]

Did you know that Belhaven University has a Dance Major? There are other schools as well that are not strictly *dance studio*. She doesn't have to be *professional*. If that is her passion, maybe have her look at some schools that offer dance majors. Then, help her see what she will have to do academically to get *in* the school and to facilitate pursuing her dream.

 

My dd is pursuing piano. She is not a concert pianist and doesn't want to be. But she can play and she can play well and she is pursuing her dream because she saw her academics as a means to an end and earned nice merit and music scholarships to *get there*. Once she *owned it*, everything changed! :)

 

I guess my point is...help your dd to *increase her vision* a bit. It doesn't have to be either/or.

[memphispeg]

I went through all of this ballet stuff with my oldest daughter. And I felt the same when she was your dd age. But, you know what? When we went on college tours all the info- sessions stressed having a "passion". And that was what she had. She is still dancing in college (full ride, ivy!). She is trying to incorporate it into her life, doing a major in the philosophy of art/cognitive science. She hopes to dance after college (a small co., classes after work) and to do something with it on a professional level (arts management, arts journalism, intellectual property law, etc.). I'd say, thank your lucky stars that your daughter has something that she truly loves and that she does fairly well at. It will help her to have her passion over the icky teenage years to come!!!

[Peela]

Maybe you are putting all her behaviours onto the ballet, when they are pretty normal? My ds14 has to be cajoled into showing his work for maths almost every day. There are lots of kids who have trouble with the increased workload and difficulty, and hours, as they get older- including mine. My son throws a fit every time I increase his workload or ask him to write more than he has recently.

 

One of my kids is non academic. The other is very capable academically but is not passionate about her schoolwork. She has a big passion for her art- but it's not out of the house for that except for one class a week so it's ok. Her other passion that takes up a lot of her time is Venturers (14-18yo Scouts) and she likes to take state leadership positions and be on committees...it involves a lot of emailing and organising people, as well as me regularly driving her to headquarters for committee meetings. It is a big social outlet for her and she is a natural leader type and ...well, I just allow it. I make the time for it on her schedule. She is regularly away for weekends and week long camps too (and comes home wrecked and exhausted, so the next day of school is a write off).

 

I do think denying a kid their passion is a pretty severe thing to do. They have their own paths and we cant really know their destiny- I think passion is a good guide to their gifts, even if they are not financially successful for their passions. There really is a lot more to life than a career- you can have a career or a job, and still have a separate passion, and thats what makes life worth living, not the job. But maybe it's your job to provide the balance? Don't condemn the passion, but have her finish her schoolwork?

 

That's all I do. My dd16 could be doing a lot more schoolwork than she does but we homeschool for a variety of reasons- freedom to follow passions is one of them. But that doesn't mean I dont become the nag and the bad guy at times to make sure she is completing her schoolwork. She has a tendency not to do her school reading. So I have to push that a bit. She has a lot of after school activities and part time work and wants to sleep in in the morning- there are only so many hours in the day. I push. I nag. I try and keep my good humour. I guess I just consider it part of the job...and I don't expect her, or my son, to want to do their work. They still need the outer structure of me enforcing boundaries.

 

In the teens...there is a lot to balance. Not to mention their desire to stay up late and sleep in, which really throws things around here.

[Rebecca VA]

Thank you, everyone! This has given me so much to think about. She has been having a rough week -- overly busy with her school's ballet summer intensive and seeing neighborhood playmates in the afternoons, with a extra-hard chapter in algebra to work on each morning (she's finishing last year's unfinished work). Today is going to be Algebra Day, and we'll work with her until she completely understands the material.

 

I will keep re-reading your comments and advice, and I really appreciate everything you said!

[johnandtinagilbert]

Does anyone here have a child so consumed by a non-academic activity that it takes the "best" of them and leaves the dregs for schoolwork? How do you handle this? What if the activity time could not be cut down without hindering or destroying the child's progress?

 

Let's say this activity is one that is unlikely to lead to a career. The child pursues it because she loves it. But it takes many hours a week (with the certainty of even more hours during the high school years), sapping her strength and occupying her thoughts. She is about to start a challenging school year carefully planned around her abilities and interests, but all she's concerned with is whether schoolwork will take up too much of her time. She never gets around to doing chores because she runs out of time every day.

 

She isn't growing spiritually. She is growing more and more out of step with her homeschooled friends who have other interests. She never picks up a book. She compares her lot in life to that of her public-school activity peers and is incensed that her schoolwork is harder.

 

After years of trying to manage this, would you forbid the activity in the hope that she would get a life? Remember, the activity hours cannot be cut down without destroying her progress and goals.

The things I highlighted would be of concern to me, especially the lack of spiritual growth. She seems to be a self-centered teen...as if that's a surprise, huh? :glare: Honestly, though, even with a self-centered teen, there must be room for God or all the rest will be for naught. This would be my greatest concern and I'd do whatever was necessary to help her understand God comes First.

 

The deal in our house has always been God, family, school, activity. We have also managed to enjoy some of our passions, although our finances and car situations have held us all back at some point from pursing everything we'd like to do. That is simply life. Most adults don't get to do whatever they want in life, passion or not. Perhaps she needs a dose of reality.

 

To sound harsh (sorry about that) and to disagree with others, while I would encourage a passion like this (a gift to be so dedicated at this age), I would also have requirements. Period. Quite frankly, I'd tell her I hope she is so blessed to enjoy her love of dance and that she would dance for the Lord, but based on her attitude, she isn't concerned with anyone save herself. I would put down standards:

1. You are required to do a, b, and c in school.

2. You are required to complete the following contributions to this household.

 

If you can't do these things, you won't dance. She won't like it, but too bad. Until she lives on her own, your house -- your rules. That is painful to say as much as it may be painful to facilitate, but if you and dh are concerned, I'd follow your gut and help her to realize that although dance is her passion, she's being dramatic b/c dance is not everything. At some point, other things will matter, regardless of her career in the future.

 

I'd also speak with her instructors and tell them you have set the standard and you'd appreciate their support. If they aren't willing to back You and DH up, then I'd pull her. Your daughter is not an adult. She lacks the wisdom to decide what is Best for her. You and Dh are the stewards of this child of God, it's your responsibility to determine what is best and your obligation to the Lord to carry it out.

 

That's my 2 cents...even though I have only a 15 year old and haven't finished the teen experience, that is where I am in child rearing.