S\O of correcting behavior of other people's dc \ dc in adult conversations

[5LittleMonkeys]

The thread about correcting other people's dc came in a timely manner for me because it addresses two things that I am struggling with.

 

Imagine this situation...you go to a friend's house to drop something off and are hoping to have a few minutes to catch up with her before you have to run. Within 30 seconds of talking to her you have 3 of her dc also trying to talk to you (about totally unrelated things), one of which actually steps in front of your friend to get your undivided attention. Your friend ignores their behavior and continues to talk over the top of them. You try in vain to follow her lead and continue the conversation while you have a fourth dc (little one) start to tug at your clothes and repeat your name over and over and over and over in an attempt to gain your attention. At this point you feel as though your being mobbed and then out of the corner of your eye you spot another dc standing on the stairs behind your friend, facing you, mimicking your every move. (trying to match the same movement of your mouth, facial expressions, hand movements). At this point (before you snatch up all of her dc and put them in a indefinite time out) you make the excuse that you have to run and leave while in your mind you are disappointed with yet another failed attempt to have a chat with your friend.

 

How do I deal with this? I want to be friends with this person but she apparently doesn't find anything wrong with her dc's behavior. I on the other hand can't handle it. I have in the past, in a similiar situations, asked her dc not to interrupt me when I am talking, that it is rude, and could they please let us have a few minutes to chat alone, because I had something important that I needed to discuss with her. There have also been a couple of times when our family has been visiting and I literally can not hear what she or her husband are saying because all of her dc are practically sitting on top of us all trying to interject into the conversation and attempting to make witty comments. They all talk over the top of each other. She and her husband either continue to talk also or sit quietly with these looks of amusement on their faces as if they are thinking how cute and witty their children are being. I have twice asked her if the kids could go play so that we could chat in peace. I have asked her if it bothers her when I excuse, or discipline her dc regarding interrupting and she says that it doesn't but I'm not sure if she is just saying that because she is embarrassed by the behavior or if she truly doesn't care. But I feel very uncomfortable having to do so and quite honestly I feel I shouldn't have to. I have gone to great pains to teach my dc when it is or isn't appropriate for them to be included in conversations and interrupting is a BIG no-no in our family. I know everyone raises their children differently but am I wrong for expecting her to at least keep her dc from mobbing me when I come in their house and to correct them when they interrupt me? We want to remain friends with them and they ask us to dinner frequently so I feel I need to come to some resolution with this but I'm not sure how I want to handle it. I'd like some different views and opinions.

 

If you wanted to continue a relationship with this person, how would you deal with this situation?

[Barb_]

If you wanted to continue a relationship with this person, how would you deal with this situation?

 

Ask her out for coffee? Talk on the phone? Honestly, this situation is pretty out of control. I don't think you can change the children or the mom; I'd focus on changing the environment.

 

Meant to say :grouphug:. The scenario above is making me break out in hives just while reading about it.

 

Barb

[Jean in Newcastle]

"Let's see which one of you can run the fastest down the (hopefully very long) driveway and back!"

 

I do have a friend like this and I find that I have to distract her dc in order to get to talk to her. So we will meet at a park. Or if they come here to eat, then after dinner, we'll all take a walk down to the park where the kids will play and the adults will be able to talk. I don't have that control at her house so I am often the one inviting her here where I can somewhat control the situation.

 

ETA: in this situation I do give her dc a lot of attention at first until we are established at the park and they will be distracted by the playground equipment.

[Scarlett]

Ask her out for coffee? Talk on the phone? Honestly, this situation is pretty out of control. I don't think you can change the children or the mom; I'd focus on changing the environment.

 

Meant to say :grouphug:. The scenario above is making me break out in hives just while reading about it.

 

Barb

 

Me too! I'm thinking it would be a deal breaker for me.

 

However, if you REALLY want to stay friends with her, I would go drastic....make a big enough 'polite' scene with the children that she is forced to notice....if she doesn't immediately correct her children, then immediately take your leave.

[nd293]

I'd probably make a habit of excusing myself with a "Oh, I can't talk with all these interuptions - I'll call you later" and hope she catches on. Or you could try to put the ball in her court by saying "I can't talk with these interuptions. Do you want to send the kids off, or should we chat some other time?". That way she has to make an active choice between her children's behavior or your company...

[Peela]

Perhaps if you only have a few minutes, and its on her turf, there is no hope.

But if you have more time, you could connect with them first. As in, reallyconnect with them. Not try to brush them off. Greet them as if you are realyl happy to see them.Get down to their level and ask what they are trying to tell you, and give them, one at a time, your 100% attention. I find that once kids get 100% attention and feel heard, they are content for a while. Maybe these kids are clamouring for being really heard and it is expressing in an out of control, chaotic kind of way?

The only way I can imagine it working is if you have an individual, loving connection with each child...so that then you can also come from that place where you tell them it is time to give you some time to talk to their mum, and you will come and see their cubby house, or whatever it is they want, before you leave.

I tihnk thats what I would do if I really wanted the friendship, or if it was my extended family. And I had already tried everything you had tried. YOu dont get to be just friends with the mum in some cases...you get the whole kaboodle. ANd if it works, that can be its own blessing.

[Ottakee]

Sadly I see this mostly in homeschool families. My own girls are not immune and we are working on it. The kids are used to being able to interact with adults all the time and don't have the practice of taking turns, waiting your turn, not interrupting, etc. that kids in school get.

 

It does really annoy me. I also have a friend that has a very mature 13 year old daughter. Problem is the girl likes to sit in and listen while we are talking and I prefer a kid free zone while talking. Not that I don't love kids but there are times when adults just need to chat without younger ears listening.

 

I don't have all the answers but it is certainly something to be aware of with our own kids as well.......not saying yours do this but mine try it at times.

[Danestress]

It is possible that while you were hoping for a private chat when you dropped something off, she was not aware of what you were hoping for or was not wanting to accommodate. When children are little it sometimes feels like everyone wants a piece of Mom, and a friend who is needing an impromptu chats can seem like just one more demand.

 

Her children sound pretty obnoxious, but maybe to her, they don't seem that way and maybe this is how she was raised. Rather than try to guide them yourself, I think I would try to get time alone with her by arranging for it in advance and asking her out when her husband is available to be with the children. If you go out for coffee together and leave the kids behind, you won't have this issue.

 

My children are older now and I don't have to ask them to make themselves scarce. 12 year old boys don't really want to sit in on ladies chat, and I don't have girls. But I know that sometimes it's easier for me to stay connected to friends with babies and toddlers through email. That way they can communicate when their children are sleeping. Other times, of course, we get together with the babies, and that is fine too. But if I really need to talk about something that requires attention and privacy, I would try to make plans that maximize the chance for that.

[Jean in Newcastle]

When children are little it sometimes feels like everyone wants a piece of Mom, and a friend who is needing an impromptu chats can seem like just one more demand.

 

 

Boy, can I relate to that! That's why I prefer to have people at my home where hopefully I can provide a bit of a respite.

[Guest janainaz]

Maybe you could come in and greet her kids and ask them some questions about them. Tell them you want to hear what they've been doing, dedicate a few minutes to engage with them, and then tell them you want to be able to hear about their mom after that.

 

My kids get excited when visitors come. They love people, and I don't want to treat them like furniture in the room. At the same time, they are expected to use some manners and interrupting is never ok. I also don't enjoy having them sit right on top of me while a friend is over. But I have been around other mothers who do not discipline their children in the area of manners (amongst other things). So if kids are interrupting and the mother is not handling it, I don't mind just saying, "Ok, I want to hear what you have to say, but as soon as we're done talking." If that does not work and they keep interrupting, I would just tell my friend, "I love your kids and I love talking to them, but I can't carry on a conversation with you and them at the same time! My heads going to explode!" I'd make light of it and if she did not get the hint by then, I'd reconsider if it's worth it to meet with her while her kids are around. Like someone else said, ask her to meet for coffee.

 

And yes, that would drive me bonkers!

[DianeW88]

Oh my gosh, kids like that drive me absolutely BONKERS!! You have my sympathy! And, like a pp said, I'm ready to break out in hives just reading about it.

 

And, now for my own personal pet peeve. Children who walk up to their mother when she and I are in conversation with a loud, "MOM!" and the accompanying tugging on her. And, then Mom turns and PAYS ATTENTION TO THE CHILD!!! No "excuse me" to me, no "You're interrupting, honey, not now", nothing. Just immediate and undivided attention paid to her little darling and whatever inane request or comment they have at that particular moment.:001_huh:

 

I do. not. understand. this. The rule in our house is unless you (or someone else) is on fire or bleeding, you are NOT allowed to interrupt anyone. And, if you do, there will be consequences for it. I cannot imagine why on earth parents are letting their children think that they are the center of the universe and whatever they want is more important than anything else that may be going on at the moment. What is going to happen in the future when we are living in a world of these self-centered little monsters who are now adults?

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

[Sophia]

The scenario above is making me break out in hives just while reading about it.

 

Barb

 

:iagree:

You've talked to her, you've talked to the kids, it's not going to change.

Personally, I would not be able to keep going over there, consistently rude children drive me nuts.

I'd try and meet up with her at a coffee shop.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Thanks for the responses thus far. I like the idea of giving some attention to the children for a bit then gently suggesting they shoo so I can chat with their mom. I guess I just felt she should be the one shooing when she sees I want to talk and she herself is trying to tell me something but having to yell over the noise.:glare: I guess it's not a battle she wants to engage in (but with 8 children you'd think it would be a necessity).

However, I think from now on I will try to avoid putting myself in a situation where I have to shush, shoo, or correct her kids. Meeting for coffee may be what we BOTH need and as for dinner at her house, I think we will have to make polite excuses but then suggest a raincheck at a restaurant, again minus the kids, so that we ALL can get away from the sweeties for a couple hours.

 

It's tricky being friends with someone who doesn't share your views on how children should behave but I'm going to keep on working at it!:D

[lovetobehome]

I met a family like this one...they had moved in and I was so excited to have a homeschool family living so close. The kids were BOUNCING off the leather sofas next to us, SCREAMING like dinosaurs, in extremely loud screeches. Sliding down stairway banisters. The mom and I were shouting to hear each other, though we were standing 2 feet apart. Her kids were grabbing me. My kids were stunned, had no idea what to do or how to react. They couldn't cope, and neither could I. I never went back! I liked her a lot, but her kids were out of control and she seemed to think it was best to let them be that way. That is fine, but I couldn't cope with it, even for more than a few minutes. Meanwhile, the muffins I brought to her were devoured by the kids, with probably half of each muffin covering the floor and couch as they ran around with them. One kid was spitting them on me as she tugged at my clothes and was trying to laugh and talk to me. I excused myself, politely.

 

I suggested we meet at the park, and we do run into each other there, and I enjoy talking with her. I have heard others talk about their experience with this same family. I have even heard there was a co-op that she started to attend, and the leader stopped doing the co-op because she could not handle these particular children.

 

So, I feel your pain! This woman seems so nice and fun and friendly, but I could not take the kids. I didn't particularly want my kids with hers a whole lot (and my kids felt the same). So, we just opted to let it go, and we enjoy seeing her at the park.

[kalanamak]

\

 

If you wanted to continue a relationship with this person, how would you deal with this situation?

 

 

Take it to email. You won't change the way she parents.

[annandatje]

I would frankly be annoyed with someone who takes it upon themselves to chastise my children in my own home in my presence. Obviously the parents do not find their children's behavior problematic.

 

I second the another poster's suggestion of genuinely getting to know the kids down on their level.

 

Perhaps the two of you have parenting philosophies so divergent as to make an in-home friendship unworkable.

 

You could try meeting sans kids but that can be difficult to fit into tight schedules.

[AMDG]

This is *exaclty* what it's like in my family. It's very child-friendly, to say the least, and I am the odd one out who gets very irritated by it.

 

Dh's brothers and sisters all have big, big families, and since they were all married and started having children before us, this is all I've ever known. Actually, I'm really glad to see this post, because for a long time I thought that *I* was the weird one who was always annoyed to have every single family event be absolutely centered around the kids. Since becoming a mother I've actually thought that I was a *bad* mother for insisting my children not talk over me when trying to have conversations, because in Dh's fam, everyone would *politely* listen to what every child had to say.

 

I'm all :bigear: for this one. This is something that has ALWAYS bothered me, because growing up I would have been A LOT of trouble, or greatly embarrassed for interrupting my mother during a conversation with another adult, but in my family circle of many, many HS'ers and very attentive parents, it's commonplace.