How do you deal with a pessimistic personality (Adult)?

[OrganicAnn]

I think I must be an optimistic person in general. I'm not a Pollyanna, but I have a positive outlook. I have a person in my life who is generally pessimistic. Sometimes when I talk and we really open up and talk, then I'm left feeling really depressed (like I want to cry and feel bad for a long time). Otherwise, this person is caring, funny, kind and an important person in my life.

 

So it feels my choices are avoid the deep conversations and just have a shallow conversations so I won't feel dragged down by the pessimism. Or have the important conversations and feel bad sometimes. Is there anything else I can do? I don't think you can change a pessimistic person into an optimistic, can you?

 

Any thoughts?

Edited July 19, 2010 by OrganicAnn

[Rosie_0801]

Some people are Eeyores. (Or Capricorns.)

 

Usually the best thing to do is agree that whatever they are saying is dreadful, then they'll feel better and start remembering the good things that happen. If you don't commiserate, they can't get out of the mood. Useful phrases are "Oh yeah, I hate it when that happens" and "No way! Really?"

 

Now if you come across somewhere that doesn't work on, you might as well make a game of trying to make them smile. I tried this on a cashier once and it took me four months! :lol:

 

Rosie

[ChrissySC]

Hey now, I am a Capricorns - and NOTHING like that! :D

 

As a matter of fact, I love life and everyone in the world. :P

 

Your description sounds so much like some of my family members though. Yuck! I can empathize with you. I, however, have only found that jumping up quickly to check the laundry works in a pinch! I have nothing to assit in those moments when we are away from the house.

[jazzyfizzle]

Will that work for a drudging pessimist on here? :tongue_smilie: :D

 

(Oh, and I'm Capricorn, I have to think about that one!)

[Rosie_0801]

I am a Capricorn too. :D In order to achieve moderation in my emotions (positive and negative) I need to syphon them off on other people. It's an annoying trait, but the rest of the zodiac isn't perfect either ;)

 

Rosie

 

P.S :tongue_smilie: at Chrissie. I don't believe you. I've met Capricorns who don't need to syphon like I do, but they would never claim something so outrageous as to love everyone in the world. :lol:

[MelanieM]

I'm also a Capricorn, and I'm super positive! Maybe it's that Libra moon and Leo rising effect. ;)

 

I don't think you can change anyone, but I do believe you can change your perspective and interactions with a person to whatever you need/want them to be. Often times this negativity thing snowballs... But if you make a point to reach for a positive perspective, even a naturally negative person can find a way to meet you there. And if not, they'll find it less helpful to be negative around you (because of that annoying positive streak of yours!) so you'll avoid the brunt of the unwanted scenarios in any case.

 

You could try yes-butting the person... "yes, that is horrible... but perhaps there's a good reason it's all happening that way..." Or if that seems too difficult, then being non-commital and changing the subject might work. Or if the person really needs to share you could listen and not comment at all, if that feels right. Then you're lending an ear, but not adding to the negative vibe.

 

If this is about when you communicate your own issues, then I would choose someone who is going to help uplift you rather than someone who is going to add fuel to your fire. I just don't think it's ever a good idea to lay your troubles out to someone who is going to agree with you that everything is just horrible and the end of the world is coming... never an uplifting situation, in my experience.

 

Best of luck finding a balance with your friend.

[eternalknot]

My kids' dad would say that you're talking about me :tongue_smilie: He has this annoying quality of always seeing the silver lining. I call myself a realist; he jokingly calls me "Debbie Downer."

 

We don't avoid deep conversations, but have grown to appreciate that we simply have differing perspectives in general. I'd rather be pleasantly surprised at a positive outcome; he believes that the outcome will reflect the positivity (or negativity!) put towards it! Our deeper, philosophical conversations usually end in a draw LOL. I'm Chicken Little, thinking the sky will certainly be falling down on me; he's Pollyanna with his head high in the sky amongst the clouds.

 

We've discussed it several times, actually. Why I am the way I am; he the way he is. We come from different cultures, which may influence it some. My people tend towards fatalism, so to me there is no benefit to seeing something through rose-colored glasses -- what will happen, will happen regardless. "It can't be helped" is the phrase we use. Better to be prepared for the worst or most realistic, no? ;)

 

His people are more of a you reap what you sow kind of people. And in that regard, when you excude positive energy you get back positive energy. (Though he doesn't agree with my use of the word "energy" because it's too Eastern for him LOL, it's the only word I can think of to describe what I'm thinking.) Hard work pays off; laziness comes back to bite you. And such. I know my 'realism' frustrated him, but we finally hit a point where he understands where it is coming from.

 

It's not that I'm seeing the glass as only half-empty; it's not that I'm shooting down his ideals or dreams; it's not that I'm missing the bigger picture of politics or philosophy ... it's just that I have on a different pair of glasses. I see simply - a glass. Ideals or dreams, politics or philosophies that are silly in a world that is predetermined. It took awhile for him to understand it wasn't a personal attack on him or his beliefs; it took awhile for ME to learn that I didn't have to shoot down everything he said, whether or not I could. It's a dance, and it takes time to learn the steps well enough that nobody gets a toe stepped on.

 

But I'll say that it's been a worthy investment of my time to get the routine right. (Neither of us are Capricorn)

[LimitBreak]

I'm a Capricorn and I avoid people.......just the negative ones :001_smile: Since this person is important in your life, you can't easily ignore them. I think it's ok to have the depressing conversations once in a while to satisfy this person. But then he/she needs to give back by listening to your optimistic stories. They probably won't be too thrilled that they listened to you & it made them happy :lol:

A Cherokee Legend

 

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."

 

He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

 

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

[Vida Winter]

I had a person in my life like that at one time (a pretty good friend) and I ended up distancing myself from him. No regrets.

[charmama4]

I'm a Capricorn and I avoid people.......just the negative ones :001_smile: Since this person is important in your life, you can't easily ignore them. I think it's ok to have the depressing conversations once in a while to satisfy this person. But then he/she needs to give back by listening to your optimistic stories. They probably won't be too thrilled that they listened to you & it made them happy :lol:

 

A Cherokee Legend

 

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."

 

He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

 

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

 

Beautiful, simply beautiful.

[m0mmaBuck]

Honestly, I tend to avoid people like the one you described. At the very least, I avoid the types of conversations that take me to a dark place if I can help it.

[KidsHappen]

I talk out loud a lot, pretty much a running dialog all day long. Doesn't really matter if anyone is listening or not. It is just the way I process things. So I may say, "I have a headeache, looks like rain and we are out of milk." I am not complaining about these things but simply stating facts. There are some people that don't understand that that is the way I process info and therefore misinterpret me. Is it possible that something like that is going on?

[elfgivas]

I don't think you can change a pessimistic person into an optimistic, can you?

 

 

 

check out "learned optimism"

 

Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin E. P. Seligman

 

i actually found this one easier to work with:

The Optimistic Child: A Proven Program to Safeguard Children Against Depression and BuildLifelong Resilience by Martin E. P. Seligman

 

but it goes without saying that we can't change someone else, only ourselves... but we can help them and support them as they change if they want to. does this person realize their pessimism is hard on you? would they want to work on changing a bit? if so, these two are a good place to start....

[bluemongoose]

KidsHappen- I totally get what you are saying, I am the same way!!! It drives my family bonkers:lol:.

[OrganicAnn]

I appreciate everyone's response.

 

Ann

[Perry]

Some people are Eeyores. (Or Capricorns.)

 

 

Hey! I resemble that remark.

 

:D

[LibraryLover]

Negative people are so draining. I don't know how they manage to get thorugh a day, never mind a normal life. They suck the joy out of everyting. Worse yet, their cranky personas keeps them from recognizing any good. Everything is wrong to them. I try to avoid them. It's too much.

 

Oh, I absolutely know how to complain! LOL Ask my sweet dh! I can be such a crab!

 

However, certain things simply are not on my radar. The other day I listened to someone irl rant about what was in strangers' grocery carts. I was like, "Oh, I am sorry that was so upsetting to you". But inside I was thinking, "Seriously? You have time to worry about this? Don't you have your own life, your own family, your own peeps to fret over? You care some stranger bought bacon and Gold Fish??" Couldn't you just focus on the dang cute baby or toddlers sitting in the carts?

 

I also heard a woman complain about people who use Saxon over Singapore. Really? LOL :lol: It's not like it was Everyday Math...

Edited July 20, 2010 by LibraryLover

[jazzyfizzle]

I'm a Capricorn and I avoid people......."

 

 

 

LOL Love it. That works too. :D

 

Try being a Capricorn and an introvert. :D

[Rosie_0801]

Try being a Capricorn and an introvert. :D

 

There are extroverted Capricorns? :001_huh:

 

 

:lol:

Rosie

[....]

Hey, this sounds a lot like one of my sisters. She has an Oppositional Personality - I guess you could google it. I don't know your friend or anything, but having a conversation with my sister is almost impossible. You have to keep it at small talk. If it goes beyond small talk, it turns into a fight. It's really sad. Me and my other sister are her only "friends" and I can barely hold a conversation with her.

 

Like I said, I don't know your friend (and would have to see this to know if we're talking about the same thing), but here's my survival strategies:

 

-keep it at small talk as much as possible

-my sister will chat about stuff that's humorous to her (like The Onion)

-don't engage in a debate on ANYTHING - because you are always wrong and she'll be right - and the worst-case scenario is IT :tongue_smilie:

-my sister will chat about animals (this sounds stupid) and memories without going off the deep end

 

Good luck with this one! I feel bad because I think these people need someone to talk to, but it's near-impossible to have a deep relationship with them. I also think these people might be overwhelmed with emotions. And I don't think it's an astrology thing :lol:, I think it's a form of personality.

[MelanieM]

There are extroverted Capricorns? :001_huh:

 

 

:lol:

Rosie

 

Waves hand! <hiya> Apparently I'm just here to break all your stereotypes, Rosie! :lol:

[lllll]

..

[LibraryLover]

One can be a hombody /introvert without being negative, however. I know lots of pleasant introverts. They have their social limit, but I would not say negativity is the trait of an introvert. I've known lots of negative-thinking extroverts. They go out a lot, and complain about everything. Draining.

[jazzyfizzle]

There are extroverted Capricorns? :001_huh:

 

 

:lol:

Rosie

 

 

 

:lol::lol:

 

 

 

...

 

Wish I had some advice for you OP. My oldest and dearest friend, during 99% of our conversations, feels the need to fill me in on her adventures that well, let's say, don't fall into my approval category. :blink:

It is difficult for me to listen without finding myself thinking judgemental thoughts. I am always left feeling that ickyness after. I noticed I tend to avoid her calls, sometimes I just can't listen to that. So I understand what you are saying, and wish I had a solution.

[jazzyfizzle]

One can be a hombody /introvert without being negative, however. I know lots of pleasant introverts. They have their social limit, but I would not say negativity is the trait of an introvert. I've known lots of negative-thinking extroverts. They go out a lot, and complain about everything. Draining.

 

 

 

Thank you! :seeya: That stereotype is aggravating.

[Barry Goldwater]

I think I must be an optimistic person in general. I'm not a Pollyanna, but I have a positive outlook. I have a person in my life who is generally pessimistic. Sometimes when I talk and we really open up and talk, then I'm left feeling really depressed (like I want to cry and feel bad for a long time). Otherwise, this person is caring, funny, kind and an important person in my life.

 

So it feels my choices are avoid the deep conversations and just have a shallow conversations so I won't feel dragged down by the pessimism. Or have the important conversations and feel bad sometimes. Is there anything else I can do? I don't think you can change a pessimistic person into an optimistic, can you?

 

Any thoughts?

 

Answering your original question, avoid them...life is too short and challenging enough without dead weight...

[justamouse]

You are me, and the pessimistic person in my life...is my husband. Tigger and Eeyore got married. :D He's not dead weight, and I've grown to appreciate his caution and planning. It's saved our hides many a time. And given him the opportunity to gleefully tell me he told me so. When we first were married I let him drag me down, now, I let him be himself, and I go on being myself. And I thank God for bringing someone to me that balances me. I would jump first and plan later. (Sometimes that works, but when you have 7 kids there's more risk involved.)

 

We were in a fight the other night-he was going on and on (he's having a super stressful week and it's leaking out) and he said something like, "You didn't listen to me when I said_____." and I said, "Yes I did, I just have to overcompensate for your tendency to be a harbinger of doom." :lol: He freaked, of course but within two hours he righted himself and climbed out of the hole (which has taken years of us being married for him to be able to. He had to learn to trust that I wasn't disregarding him, but providing another perspective).

 

Love covers a multitude of sins, and my love for him eases the ability for that particular character trait to rub me raw, but I had to learn how to. You have a choice. Is this person worth having in your life?

 

(Dh is an introverted perfectionist Aries, I'm an introverted Scorpio (its the introvertedness that meshes us), and most of our kids are Cappies. Nuthin but good times ahead!;))

Edited July 20, 2010 by justamouse
spelling, of course

[Mejane]

Negative people are so draining. I don't know how they manage to get thorugh a day, never mind a normal life. They suck the joy out of everyting. Worse yet, their cranky personas keeps them from recognizing any good. Everything is wrong to them. I try to avoid them. It's too much.

 

 

 

Me, too, but sometimes you can't. My mom was one; I've spent my whole life trying to not become her. Somedays she wins. :tongue_smilie:

 

Loved the Cherokee story; I will remember that.

[justamouse]

check out "learned optimism"

 

Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin E. P. Seligman

 

i actually found this one easier to work with:

The Optimistic Child: A Proven Program to Safeguard Children Against Depression and BuildLifelong Resilience by Martin E. P. Seligman

 

but it goes without saying that we can't change someone else, only ourselves... but we can help them and support them as they change if they want to. does this person realize their pessimism is hard on you? would they want to work on changing a bit? if so, these two are a good place to start....

 

I have been meaning to get those books! thanks for posting the links and titles again.

 

A Cherokee Legend

 

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."

 

He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

 

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

 

I LOVe that story. This is the second place I've read it, and I love it even more now.

[KJsMom]

I'm married to an Eeyore. He has always been more of a glass half empty kind of guy, but I believe his job really made it worse. Our oldest dd is picking up lots of his personality so I have been gently pointing it out. When dh was in a decent mood but still complaining I said, "I think I enjoy life a whole lot more than you do." He agreed. Now I just try to point out a positive scenerio for every negative one he brings up. Lots of his complaints are hypothetical anyway. When he has a genuine reason for complaining I listen for a minute and then change the subject or point out a likely alternative reason for _____'s behavior. He tends to think whoever did whatever out of meanness or spite and I have to remind him that people don't always know what the consequences of every single decision will be.

It's tough, but I think he is beginning to come around. He won't ever be Pollyanna but we are making progress. :tongue_smilie:

[Barry Goldwater]

You are me, and the pessimistic person in my life...is my husband. Tigger and Eeyore got married. :D He's not dead weight, and I've grown to appreciate his caution and planning. It's saved our hides many a time. And given him the opportunity to gleefully tell me he told me so.

 

Hoping I didn't offend...I'm sure he is not dead weight! From what you described, I would not necessarily classify him as pessimistic, just cautious, a Plan B kinda guy!

 

To me a pessimist (and the type to be avoided) is the person who cannot see the good in anything, but dwells 100% on the negative aspects of his own life and the world at large...not a person that can fore-see trouble ahead.

[TXMomof4]

. When dh was in a decent mood but still complaining I said, "I think I enjoy life a whole lot more than you do." He agreed. Now I just try to point out a positive scenerio for every negative one he brings up. Lots of his complaints are hypothetical anyway. When he has a genuine reason for complaining I listen for a minute and then change the subject or point out a likely alternative reason for _____'s behavior. He tends to think whoever did whatever out of meanness or spite and I have to remind him that people don't always know what the consequences of every single decision will be.

It's tough, but I think he is beginning to come around. He won't ever be Pollyanna but we are making progress. :tongue_smilie:

 

Dh and I have had this conversation many times. I do enjoy life. He does, but just in a pick it apart and if there's anything left he'll enjoy that. Yesterday he came in and the house was a mess. I'd been cleaning in the basement all day so the upstairs got taken over by little people pretending to be on a car trip. He complainingly asked dd what they do all day to make such a mess. "We have fun Dad!" in the most sunshiney voice possible. How can you help but enjoy that? He did laugh before he harangued them into cleaning everything. That's a huge improvement in my book.