s/o when grown children visit? :)

[simka2]

I am really curious to hear from both the grown children and the grandparents on this one!!! So, if you could state which catergory you fall under, and what your dream visit would look like. I will go first....

 

I'm a grown child who would be visiting parents or in-laws. At my moms, my dream visit usually happens. She respects me as an adult, plans all kinds of fun artsy, nature, eating out experiences for the grandkids. On the same hand the cost is always low...and the schedule flexible. Truthfully, I am a bit stricter as a parent than she is, so when we visit we have a blast...then I or dh have to put them to bed :) She has her own life, so she we also exitedly make suggestions of thing I can do in the area when she is out doing her things!!!

 

At the in-laws it is hell for me!!!! My kids can't move from the dinner table without a formal hand washing....something we do not do at home (all the time, especially when they have been cooped up inside.) Although, they buy toys and videos the kids are relegated to the basement to play with them...while the "big" people talk or watch sports. Then my MIL will proceed to pull me into her confidence which will be reduced to tearing down her dh...and comparing how alike she and I am ;( Absolutely no event planning will be made (going to a park, for a hike)so my kids will literally be shut in basement or small back yard. Then, on the opposite extreme, they will make hard and fast plans without letting us know and be heartbroken when we can't do it due to a conflict. Ugggghhh...

 

Oh, one other thing, my mom will plan at least one night she has all the grandkids so dh and I can get a date! :) MIL, get offended and breaks down in tears if we try to go out without her :glare:. SHe feels we are all there to visit together and if we go out, that's time she doesn't get to spend with her son.

 

Anyway, just curious to hear others desires/disappointments...maybe I can learn something. ;)

[hana]

We're pretty much come-and-go people. As visitors, my mother is elderly and doesn't expect to go anywhere with us. Sometimes, she'll let us take her grocery shopping or out to dinner. She'll watch the children while we run a quick errand, but she's old enough (in her 80s) that we wouldn't leave them longer as it would be stressful for her. My father and in-laws are both passed away, so that's the only experience I have.

 

As the grandparents, we expect time with our grandchildren more than with our children. We're pretty casual, though I'll usually have some plans made, and we are glad to babysit. :-)

[charmama4]

visiting my mother has it's challenges. I was an only child growing up and now she has 4 grandchildren that she doesn't know what to do with. I plan everything and she joins in. I've noticed that while she's getting up there in years, her energy level is getting low. I don't expect much then I don't set myself up for disappointment. I don't ask her to take the kids so dh and can go on a date anymore.

 

My inlaws on the other hand are busy energetic people. My FIL still referee's for soccer (AYSO), so when every we make it into to town we are always doing something. Sea World, the zoo, the beach, Disneyland!!!! They are the ones that are kicking us out of the house to go on a date. And believe me my dh and I don't argue about that!

 

I consider myself very blessed with my family and my dh's family. I try to enjoy all the time we are with them. Being a military family we dont' get to see them often, so when we do we make the best of it.

[FaithManor]

We had limited visits with dh's parents. This had to do with distance and the way his father treated me. MIL was absolutely wonderful and always had fun things to do with the kidlets. They would go to the beach, the special pizza place, for nature hikes, they'd do a craft with her, she always had special books to read, etc. But, fil was a real jerk to me and so dh limited the time there.

 

We had to be very careful with dh's grandmother. She never wanted to hear a child cry and would just throw a fit if the parents didn't give in to what ever the wim was in order to end the tears. So, we did not visit her at her home. If she wanted to see the great-grands, she had to come visit us at a relative's house. She had been a wonderful mother so we think it was an age/dementia thing.

 

My parents have always been great and so that is where we spent most of our time when we were traveling. Lots of dream visits. Now we live three blocks from them and MIL lives five miles away, so we spend nearly every Sunday after church together and it is not tense at all. They like to do things with the kids and now that the children are all older, they take them off without us.

 

The interesting thing is that in nearly every single family that I know well, there is one set of grandparents to which the couple is naturally drawn and one that seems dysfunctional or unreasonable and so they are rarely visited. It seems pretty uncommon for a married couple to have both sets of in-laws be reasonable people. I am not certain why that is. But, it seems to be the usual.

 

Faith

[simka2]

Interesting!!! I wonder how much age plays into things? Both dh and my parents are young...meaning just turned 50! :) Still run marathon's and have teenagers :)

[JenneinCA]

When we go to my parents place I plan outings for each day and they can choose to go or not. We treat their house as a place to sleep but not much else. My parents are not used to having kids around and don't have toys or backyard or any other place for the kids to play.

 

It is a ton of work, but they get to see the kids in the morning before we leave for the day and in the evening for dinner and then either my husband or I get everyone ready for bed. I would love it if they had more patience or stamina for doing stuff, but that isn't reality. So we do what works for now.

[Danestress]

but this is how it was when we were young:

 

My mother is a very tired, low energy person. She's very affectionate, loving, and not excessively critical, but she doesn't have a lot of zip. She has a more formal house, and I did feel we had to be extra careful. She's very fond of my DH and always tried to please him with food, etc. It was nice to visit. My Dad is dead now, but before he was ill, he took great joy in my boys and was happy to take them fishing, golfing etc. He laughed at everything they did or said.

 

My MIL has a lot of energy. She was out shooting hoops with the boys until she was 70. She didn't like driving them anywhere, but she was always fun and would do things with them that I would never think of (like watch cooking shows). She fed them horrible food - still does - and I hate that part of it. She's stubborn and opinionated, but she's fun and we didn't have many problems. For a while, she and FIL lived in a house with a pool and that made me a nervous wreck. I am an introvert, and when we would visit, I definitely would disappear with a book for a couple of hours a day. DH was fine with that and his mother never seemed to have a problem with it either.

 

I think either of them would watch the boys for us so we could go out. However, before we all lived in the same town, I am not sure I would have done that. I think I would have sent MIL and DH out for a date night. She only got to see him maybe three or four times a year, and my mother always told me that what women really want is time alone with their adult sons, so I tried to make that happen. I would probably send them out, and if I wanted a date night, I could hire someone to babysit when were were home. It would be different if we had long visits, but for just three of four days, it didn't seem fair to demand a date night. I get him all the time.

[fairfarmhand]

My mother is critically ill and has been for the past 6 or 7 years. I can't just relax at my parent's house cause there is just too much for my kids to mess with (wheelchairs, medications, lifts, bedside commodes, etc.) I also try to help my dad with the load of cooking and cleaning while we are there. They enjoy having the kids there but there is just so much going on with my mom's illness that they can't go places and play much. We stay for a couple days and have to make sure that there's lots of outdoors time while we are there so the kids don't get too rowdy.

 

My IL's are a bit better. They enjoy having the kids there and have toys for all the grandkids, but mil has a chronic illness so her energy level is limited. We have to make sure the kids don't wear her out. They do enjoy having the kids there.

 

Both sets of family are several hours away, so we can't just run over and spend the afternoon there. It is usually a weekend thing. At neither place I feel comfortable just relaxing and checking out so to speak as a parent due to the medical issues involved.

[elegantlion]

My parents are great, when we visit, it's just like being home. We hang out, can go do things alone. My mom teases that she already knows me, she just want to spend time with my son, they're buddies. But we lived close to them until a few years ago and they are more casual people overall.

 

At my MIL's (FIL is deceased) it's more formal. She has lightened up as ds has gotten older. I think she does better with older kids. She has never been the grandmother who was willing to babysit. She's great, but her house is more formal, her manner is too, so I feel I have to pull out my good manners and etiquette. When we last visited she took us to the City Museum, it was an awesome place. I think ds will have a better relationship with her as he becomes a teen. He's one of the youngest grandkids on that side.

 

All of our parents are in their 70s, btw.

[Renee in NC]

Interesting!!! I wonder how much age plays into things? Both dh and my parents are young...meaning just turned 50! :) Still run marathon's and have teenagers :)

 

Both of my parents are as young as yours. They have *no* patience for children. My father handles it better than my mother, who starts calling them "monsters" after a few hours.

 

However, when we go to my mother's, she tends to take care of them because I don't do it right. Since I can't do it right, I'll let her do it. We lived with her for 3 months last year and it was horrible. She came up with lists of arbitrary rules, routines, etc.

 

She didn't raise me, though, so she has never had children. Just dogs. And she gave the dogs WAY more grace than she gave my dc.

[simka2]

Good thoughts :) Sometimes I wonder what the grandparents really want and don't want in a visit. I know I have been very selfish and immature in the beginning, esp. with my IL, but I can never get a clear picture of what they really wanted out of a visit. They would say to spend time with the grandkids, but it always seemed like they really wanted time with their adult kids...and the grandkids were collateral.

[fairfarmhand]

Interesting!!! I wonder how much age plays into things? Both dh and my parents are young...meaning just turned 50! :) Still run marathon's and have teenagers :)

 

 

My parents are 54; Dh's parents are 58.

[Aubrey]

We haven't been to my mom's house in 7 or 8 yrs. We haven't had the $ or time for travel or a car that was dependable enough. But she's fine coming to us. She's...sorta helpful, mostly uncritical, but was recently diagnosed w/ ADD. That actually explains a lot. She's good w/ the kids, but I've been the grown up since I was like 4, so the dynamic has simply stayed the same. She's been alone w/ the kids once, maybe 6yrs ago. I'm very happy w/ that, would choose it that way, but she's never asked for it to be otherwise, so it's moot. Wonderful mom, but not the kind you'd leave your kids alone w/ for more than an hr or two.

 

Ils are the closest to perfect grandparents I've ever seen. Completely opposite personality from me, which can be hard sometimes, but very friendly, easy-going, great with the kids, eager to spend time w/ them, & able to handle all 4 on occasion. Good at knowing how many, how often, how to rotate. Mistakes happen but are never scarring, lol.

 

We live close to ils, though, so there are never extended stays for the whole family. We used to live w/ them, & that's gone a long way in helping me to be more comfortable around them & probably have a good feel for what's ok & not w/ kids.

 

Fwiw, I would never treat either house like a vacation, but I think that's unique to me & my situation. I know friends who go home to their moms when life gets to be too much. Sometimes I'm jealous, but in the long run, I think it's made me cling to dh more than I ever would have otherwise. TMI, sorry!

[LibraryLover]

I can totally see some ds and dds coming to grandma's hoping to relax a little while the children are entertained by others. I think this is family, Is some families aren't this way, a conversation needs to be had. "I really don't want to babysit when you are here" etc. I think it could be done kindly.

Edited July 14, 2010 by LibraryLover

[fairfarmhand]

. I know friends who go home to their moms when life gets to be too much. Sometimes I'm jealous, but in the long run, I think it's made me cling to dh more than I ever would have otherwise. TMI, sorry!

 

I am the same way! We have to be SO independent up here so many hours from any family members. Most of our friends around here have close family nearby. I doubt they realize how lucky they are.

 

Actually the fact that we have no family close by has limited our family size. I'd have more babies if we had a reliable source of help.

[Carrie12345]

Whether we visit my family or dh's family, dh and I are considered fairly irrelevant, lol. Both grandmas tend to take over in every regard. The only difference is that one tends to discipline in a way that bothers me, while the other sends them to be disciplined by a parent.

 

All of our parents are fairly young (57, 58, 58, and 62), but none have children living at home anymore.

[simka2]

I know friends who go home to their moms when life gets to be too much. Sometimes I'm jealous, but in the long run, I think it's made me cling to dh more than I ever would have otherwise. TMI, sorry!

 

 

This has been true for us as well. In my first post Idescribed what it had been at the IL's, truthfully we have no contact with them now :glare:. We had to set up some boundaires with MIL about how she talks about FIL, and the when and where of visits. They decided they would just rather not have anything to do with us than adapt.

 

It has made dh and I much closer!

[MrsBasil]

My parents live close by and we get together a lot. I'm really close to my mom and when I am overwhelmed I do go to their house. They like to take DS for overnights once or twice a month and/or get him for a day here or there in the middle of the week. DS is 17 months.

 

Before DS was born DH and I got together with my parents for dinners, hockey or football games, and just hanging out. My dad is my hiking/rafting buddy too.

 

When we visit we all kind of keep an eye on DS, but my mom will ask about giving him treats or certain foods if DH or I are at her house.

 

My in laws live in another state. We try to visit them once a year and, since DS has been born, they have visited a 3 times. My DH is close to his parents and I love them a lot, but I had a hard time adjusting to his family culture. I'm loosening up here and there.

 

His parents are totally supportive of us taking a date night when we visit and have said they like to get the one on one grandparent time. They take over more when we visit or they visit and that's natural for them. They did before we had kids. They will respect my rules or limits if I speak up though.

 

Honestly, DH and I have often said we feel like we hit the parental lottery. We've had our issues, but we're loved and respected and get along well all the way around.

[Lolly]

My mother is the "daisy grandmama". She takes the kids on hike and does messy arts and crafts with glue, glitter, and who know what else. She cooks kid friendly meals while we are there. (Or did when mine were little!) She has always kept a stash of kid movies. At Grandmama's, they get real popcorn (as opposed to the bag/microwave) with real butter all over it. They are allowed to eat it in the den while watching a movie.

 

Dh's mother was the "rose grandmother". You eat in the formal dining room off of real china. You might literally have tea instead of a snack. Arts and crafts consists of a coloring book and crayons. When the girls got older, it moved to real art with watercolors or oils. Not kid type. Play wise, the kids are sent to the basement if they feel like being kids.

 

My dc love(d) both. They are/were both wonderful women. I love that my children got to experience such extremes of personalities and know that they both love them tremendously.

[AHASRADA]

Visiting my parents is usually a "dream visit". They live 2 hours away, and we spend about one weekend per month with them, plus one-week visits 3-4 times per year, and often 2-4 weeks in the summer. My parents are young (56 and 59), and love to spoil the kids, taking them out to eat, play mini golf, hiking, kayaking, fishing, camping, etc. My mom has been chronically ill since before my kids were born, so she does get tired easily. If she is low on energy, she plays cards or Monopoly with them. In fact, my kids are camping with my parents now, 8 hours away, since July 1st. I will join them this week, and dh will come the week after that. My father works part-time and has hobbies, but my mom pretty much lives for my kids, and I am certain that her desire to watch them grow up is the main thing that has kept her going through her illness. I was an only child, and she is blown away by how busy I am with caring for both my kids, dh, household, homeschooling, tutoring, etc. It has been a very long time since she has had much to do in any capacity, and feels breaks are essential for my sanity (I agree). My kids are big now and don't need much care, but just the fact that I can go to my room and read a book and not have anyone nagging at me, complaining they're bored, etc., is a huge relief. They have other adult companionship, which takes the burden off me. It is expected and encouraged that I will take advantage of these visits to go shopping by myself, visit a friend for tea, and have a night out with dh (if he came with us). We even stayed with them for 3 months during the school year at one point when we were between houses. They brought a bookshelf up from the basement for the kids' school books, and my mom worked with one kid while I taught the other, in order to cut our school day in half and have more time for fun!

 

My in-laws live overseas, but they are wonderful people. My kids love them, and they are very affectionate. They are not the types to drop everything and spend all day playing with the grandkids (MIL is usually cooking for 8-20 people when we visit and has a large house to maintain, and so has little free time). However, theirs is a large family, so there are always aunts, uncles and/or cousins to keep the kids occupied. It is very easy for dh and I to get alone time there as well, because the house is full of adults to supervise and kids to play with. I also enjoy more adult interaction with MIL, SILs, etc., chatting and having tea, because the kids are busy with their cousins. So, less individual one-on-one time, but equal attention in the end, divided among a large family of loving relatives. We actually lived with them as well, for two 6-month periods. They gave us our own apartment on the 1st floor, totally respected our privacy, and yet welcomed us as full members of the household.

 

Two polar-opposite scenarios, both ideal in their own ways and serving different but equally vital purposes. I guess I am extremely fortunate!

[jillian]

DH and I are the grown kids.

 

when i come down to our home town (both sets of parents live in the same town about 10 min. max away from each other) alone (sometimes dh can't because of work) and bring dd it is super super stressful for me. I much rather enjoying spending time with my side of the family--they are relaxed, stay out of the way including the discipline issues, respect if I don't want to always have "family bonding time".

 

my in-laws on the other hand are much more in your face, exuberant, etc. As an example my MIL took 92 pictures of dd in an hour. It's just non-stop. She tries to discipline dd if I am right there, insists that we conform to her plans and tries to plan out every single minute of the day.

 

the above for my in-laws is only true when I am there. when dh comes down too it isn' tnearly as bad because he acts as a buffer and his mother (more than his dad) backs off.

 

we are young, dh just turned 27 and i just turned 24. we are both in the stage of now thinking of going "home" to visit is more like a cheap vacation (no hotel, no rental car, etc) because we don't feel like it's home anymore.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I think every relationship would have a different answer.

 

My mom's can be good or bad depending on her attitude and whatever she is mentally dealing with. We have had times of just hanging out in the house/yard and it's ok. Other times we go to parks or events and it's great. It's the same here at our place though. Often it's hanging around playing games. Kids seem ok with her visits.

 

My dad's place is often go, go, go. He likes to window shop which bores the kids to death. But then he will buy them something so their attitude changes depending on the store we are in ;-) But they are usually free to roam the yard while the adults talk. He doesn't mind us going out and leaving them with him but we rarely do it. I found p*rn on my dad's computer when the kids were young and I don't want him alone with my kiddos...it bothered me and it's just how I feel about things. He did babysit them for an hour after they had gone to bed in May while on vacation and it went ok but I wasn't comfortable.

 

My inlaws. I can't go there. I can't say anything nice. If you ask someone to watch a toddler in your home that isn't childproofed you should do so. I have no respect from them. Dh has no respect from them. So we don't go see them. Yes, the kids are expected to stay in a corner room as not to bother the adults.

 

I think it's hard for parents to accept us kids as adults and treat us with more respect....after all a lot of us were horrible teens who were nasty mean to our parents and 10 years later we are demanding respect....and I am sure some of us don't deserve it without some backtracking apologies first ;) :tongue_smilie:

 

I no longer hold up an expectations during any visits. Every visit is different and not always getting better. I think as I have shown respect for my mom she has given more respect. The kids have broken things in her home and she refuses to put them up higher or away when we visit. I have begged, pleaded and bribed the kids not to touch grandma's things but they have broken them over and over and over. I suspect when they stop breaking things I will gain more respect from my mom :lol::lol:

[kwickimom]

My parents are amazing. We pretty much have the same parenting skills. They insist I do nothing while I am there (which I do stuff anyways...clean up etc) I am also the oldest of 7 and usually all of us are there when I am there. My gram, 2 aunts and 1 uncle live in a different house, same property. My kids are the only grandkids/great grandkids so far and my family is super close. Everyone usually plans something fun to do with the kids when we are there. I usually take off for a few days and visit friends and other family.

When I am there I dont really have to do actually do anything. There are so many people though we all only have to pitch in a tiny bit and things get done. All of us are super lax in parenting when we are there. Basic rules apply as to manners and helping out of course but we dont have a bedtime or anything like that. When my mom comes and visits me, its the same way. She usually gives my husband and I money and makes us go out. Then she cooks and cleans. My mother is always doing for others and not herself. She is my hero :)

 

TOTAL OPPOSITE:

My inlaws live next door and we dont go and visit :lol: They are fine with the kids when we are there but we would never stay more than an hour if we could help it. I havent been there in 3 years. My DH takes the kids by maybe once or twice a year for a few minutes. None of them bother to come and visit us. Works out great.

[kwickimom]

I am the same way! We have to be SO independent up here so many hours from any family members. Most of our friends around here have close family nearby. I doubt they realize how lucky they are.

 

Actually the fact that we have no family close by has limited our family size. I'd have more babies if we had a reliable source of help.

 

 

I am the same way! My family is sooo awesome, if we lived by them I would have many more babies. DH wont move and we are stuck in the land of NO help and horrible inlaws. SUCKS