What advice would you give your child in this situation?

[Tap]

DD11 walks to the mini-mart about a mile away with friends on occasion.

 

On this journey, they will need to cross a fairly busy 4/5 lane road that has crosswalks, in clearly marked intersections, with signals. I feel perfectly safe with them navigating this intersection alone if they are at the light. Not too safe if they are not- near the intersection there are 5 streets, two private driveways, and 2 large church parking lots, all coming together within about 200 feet on either side of the intersection. Not a lot of cars, but coming from many directions and out from parking lots where the kids may not see them. The roads are completely flat and no curves, with well defined crosswalks. There are not a lot of people walking in this area, but there are nice sidewalks so they have ample space to walk safely.

 

One recent day it was she, a 14yo, a 10yo and two other young teens walking.

 

On the way home, she started to cross with the light, at the crosswalk as usual. The group decided to leave her, crossing on her own, as they were planning to "jay walk" about 200 feet away so they could go at a diagonal. It was obvious to dd where they were going to turn because that is the only street into our neighborhood starts. She has been given strict instructions to stay in the crosswalk but also stay with the group.

 

 

What would you tell your dd to do in the future...stay with the group, no matter what...or do what she has been told to do and only cross at the crosswalk?

 

In this situation, it worked out fine, but I wonder what advice to give her.

 

I am NOT asking about whether she will go again with them, as it is not about that. It is more about being with a group, who is doing something that she has been told not to do. This time it was minor, but what about if they all decided to go a different way home, cutting through a wetland field that turns into a pond (common in our city) that really could be dangerous? What would you tell your child to do? (I don't think it matters boy/girl)

 

In this circumstance, she waited at the light, asked one girl to cross with her, the girl declined. She crossed on her own and rejoined the group up ahead. I actually think this was the safest, as getting separated from the group wasn't so important on this day. She was only 6 small city blocks from home, in our small cul d sac'd neighborhood at this point.

 

BUT what about the future?

[Miss Sherry]

So she had been told never to leave the group but she was also told to always cross the road at the crosswalk. We'll, she didn't decide to leave the group for any selfish reason, but they abandoned her when they left her to cross the road at the cross walk alone. She knew it was wrong to cross the road in the wrong place, so she used the cross walk and got back with them when she could. I would tell her I was very proud of her for doing her best to do what she saw as the right thing instead of giving into peer pressure to ignore the cross walk. Sometimes the crowd will lead you astray and they shouldn't be followed.

If you have a cell phone for her to take with her when she goes on little outings with this group of kids I would suggest you send it with her so she can phone you if she needs to the next time they flake out on her. It's likely to happen again.

 

By the way, this particular group has shown that they cannot be counted on. It's never to early to learn that some friends are worth having and some just lead to trouble. You should not put your faith in an unfaithful friend.

Edited June 3, 2010 by Miss Sherry

[Laura Corin]

I'd tell her that she did very well.

 

Laura

[TravelingChris]

SHe is only 11 and I think what she did in this circumstance was right. However, as she gets older, and particularly when she goes away to college or whenever she is going out at night with friends, she should stay with the group. WHether it is a girl staying behind at a party because she didn't want to leave or leaving early for whatever reason, this is a serious danger zone. Even if the party isn't fun, or they are drinking underage, or whatever, unless and until you ride comes to get you, or you get someone you previously knew to take you home, to your dorm, to your apartment, etc., don't leave. The nighttime solo female (and to a lesser extent, solo male - look up male college deaths in water in WI, MI, NY, etc) is a blaring siren. My graduate degree is in criminal justice and I did previous work as a crime analyst (finding pattern in crimes or criminals or locations of crimes,etc). This pattern is all too common.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think it was a tough decision and both had issues.

 

Like Christina, I was thinking of the issues of being separated from the group. However, I also think of all the trouble kids can get in if they remain in the group.

 

I *think* the ideal is to know of a way to minimize both issues. For example, if she calls a cab from a ride from a party, maybe she can remain on the phone with someone (friend, parent, etc) while standing outside the location rather than be exposed to dangerous, unhealthy, or immoral situations. She definitely would want to choose that option rather than getting into a car with drunk young people!

 

I think it is VERY important to be communicating with someone often when separated from the group but I do think separation from the group is sometimes necessary.

 

I have teens who run around pretty freely now that we're in a location they can (but they did somewhat at home also). We have regular cell conversations and even more texts. In your daughter's situation, one of mine would have texted me that they were crossing at the crosswalk, not walking with the group. Then they would have texted me again that they met back up with the group. Alternatively, in a less sure situation (like the fact that we've just gotten to an area or it was a more questionable situation for whatever reason), they would have called so we could have had constant communication until the more scary/dangerous/worrisome/etc situation was over.

 

Anyway, I think you probably are considering the issues of both directions. There will continue to be issues both ways. Practice now with such situations is important, imo :)

[Chris in VA]

She did the right thing--the other kids broke the law, didn't they?

 

I agree about staying with the group in college/party situations, unless the group is drunk or otherwise impaired--then you call campus security, which comes right away, if it's a good college.

 

Just curious--how did the group treat her after she made that decision? Might it give her pause that no one stood by her?

[gingersmom]

Not good choices all around but I always figure safety in numbers.

 

Could you talk to the parents of the other children and have all the parents reinforce to the kids what the rules are?

 

Not to spook you but there was a recent case in Florida (several months ago) where a girl separated from her sister and other kids walking home from school. It did not have a good outcome.

[fivetails]

You've raised a smart young lady there - the group ran off a cliff and she didn't follow them. ;)

[J-rap]

***

Edited March 1, 2023 by J-rap

[Peela]

I think she did well...and I would encourage her to trust her own intelligence in the future as well, rather than setting rules too rigidly. Rigid rules can cause people to do silly things in the name of following the rules.

Teach her the danger of being a young woman walking alone on the streets, teach her to trust her own gut feelings, and to be intelligent. I wouldnt tell her she shoudl have done either- I would praise her for doing the thing she saw seemed best in the circusmtances.

[lionfamily1999]

What would you tell your dd to do in the future...stay with the group, no matter what...or do what she has been told to do and only cross at the crosswalk?

 

What would you tell your child to do? (I don't think it matters boy/girl)

 

BUT what about the future?

I think she handled it perfectly well! In this case AND for the future. Learning how to leave the pack when the pack's heading for trouble (in other words, how to rebuff peer pressure) is a difficult lesson to learn. If everyone is doing the "wrong" or dangerous thing, then it's best to ditch em' and call home.

 

That's the only thing I add when talking to my kids. When things like this happen, leave the group and call home.

 

This has kept ds and dd from some really unbelievable situations (especially when you look at their ages). Dd had a harder time learning this, but ds had her back (he did NOT get into trouble for being a tattle tale).