How do you monitor internet usage for your teens?

[Cindy in C-ville]

I'm not just talking about putting 'safe eyes' or something like that on, but actual internet usage - how long they can be on, use of FB, etc. Here's what we have in place so far:

 

1. Only our 17yo has FB. Quite a few of her teachers use it as THE means for communication on assignments, extracurricular, etc. We resisted FB for a long time, but understand that in her schooling environment it's necessary. Not only this, but it's better for her to learn to navigate FB under our roof than in her first year of college.

 

2. Our two oldest girls are "in school," one at a local high school, the other at the community college. These two have their own laptops, but must use them in public spaces in our house.

 

3. Our desktop computer is public, but doesn't have internet access. They use it to write papers, play games, etc. and are limited in the amount of screen time they have. If it's pretty outside - no computer time.

 

The biggest issue I see is the older girls being on YouTube and really not doing much of anything but looking at innocuous videos - just not doing much of anything. But then, they both have worked so hard with school and so I tend to think they need some "down-time." One of my friends unplugs their router when she leaves home so that no internet access is available unless she is actually home. Does anyone else do something like this?

 

So ... I'd love to hear how you have monitored internet usage with your teens. I'd love to hear what safeguards you have in place and what guidance you have given your teens. I'd love to hear how you are preparing them to technologically move out from under the safety of your roof into college, or wherever they'll head after high school. TIA!!!

[Laurie4b]

We have a gadget called BOB that you can connect to your computer, TV, etc. The parents can program it to allow usage for various amounts of time per user (either daily or weekly.) It helps.

[J-rap]

Our computer is in a public place right off the kitchen. So, whatever our kids do on the computer, it's in front of everyone! Also, we've had a rule that if a child (even through high school age) goes on the internet, they must have a partner (a sibling or parent), at least in the same room. They have a limit of 20 minutes unless it's a special project (school or otherwise).

This is what we started with when we first got our computer, and it helped our children to have good habits regarding computer use.

It is only our younger two high-school age children that we still enforce these rules with, but even our older three still pretty much abide by these when home, to be good role models for their younger siblings.

[Haiku]

My 15 year old has a limited amount of time on the computer. It varies by day, but it's never more than an hour, and it's usually limited to half an hour. Our computer is in the main room of the house, so dh and I can monitor what's she's doing. All our accounts are password-protected, as is our wireless router. Dd bought herself a laptop last year, and dh disabled the wireless card so she can't use the neighbor's unsecured wireless. He periodically checks her computer's history to make sure she hasn't somehow enabled the wireless, and he's let her know than an empty history will be a problem.

 

We have very strict rules in part because when we first gave dd internet privileges, she blatantly abused them and lied to us about it.

 

Tara

[LibraryLover]

We have one family computer in the main living area with internet access. We have a laptop as well, and I mostly use it, although sometimes the kids watch netflix movies on it. (Dh has a work laptop that only he uses).

 

My oldest dd is an artist and does a ton of work on the computer (she recently won a couple of graphic art awards). I know she spent about 3 hours this morning (5-8am) working on a piece. She has very little interest in the rest of the computer's capabilities, and she hardly checks her own FB. She does take practice SAT tests online. I couldn't limit her computer time without seriously impacting her ability to do her work.

 

My 16 yr old also doesn't spend much time on the internet (we have a computer without internet for typing papers). He checks his FB after school, checks sports sites for scores, will 'research' certain things for classes etc.

 

If there were big issues, we might consider stepping in, but so far, there hasn't been any abuse.

 

We don't have specific time limits or nanny controls. We have to share, so that will naturally limit any one person. Good thing my oldest dd is a lark!

Edited May 22, 2010 by LibraryLover

[LibraryLover]

We don't monitor my son. He's given us no reason to ever worry. If I feel like he's been on the computer too much, I ask him to turn it off and he does.

 

Treat a young child with respect rather than one "obviously born with sin" and you'll see a world of difference. (Not saying this to you, just to the whole idea of child rearing I've seen among too many parents.)

 

 

Sometimes I wonder why we've not had the issues some have had...and it's not because I am naive, and don't know what's going on. Plus, my brother regularly upgrades and cleans up our computer and there is never anything amiss. I can see the main computer...I can see there is nobody on it, and I have certainly not said they couldn't. It's Sat, everyone is home. Only I am on the laptop. Tells ya something.

 

I did find a 'mild' porn site in my history many years ago. (I say mild because I know what it could have been-- there is some frightening stuff out there). That was my oldest (now 21, and not a sex addict or in prison lol) , who heard about it from a friend. We had a talk and that was that.

Edited May 22, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Nicole M]

We don't monitor my son. He's given us no reason to ever worry. If I feel like he's been on the computer too much, I ask him to turn it off and he does.

 

Treat a young child with respect rather than one "obviously born with sin" and you'll see a world of difference. (Not saying this to you, just to the whole idea of child rearing I've seen among too many parents.)

 

This is what I was going to say. We don't.

 

My youngest has a flight simulator program that has been sucking him in, and that's causes some issues in the house, but he's not on the internet much, except to play games of FB. My oldest has given us no cause to worry, and mainly forwards Economist articles ;) and watches movies for his CC American Film class.

[Sumiller]

Great question!

 

My ds16 has been a fan of youtube for the past year and there have been times when my dh or I have had to step in and say, "Enough! Log off." He generally is watching silly comedic videos and for him it's a great stress release. It's actually quite humerous for the rest of us because he will sit at the computer (which is in a very public location between LR and DR) with the headphones on so he doesn't bother us, but every few minutes he will bust out laughing and that usually draws our attention which can lead to the rest of us standing over his shoulder trying to see what is so hilarious! :lol:

 

As for FB, he just started with that a month or so ago. He has a few friends from church that he hangs with and they all have FB accounts so he wanted his own in order to chat with them. I look at it this way, my oldest dd spent a good deal of her free time as a teen on the phone talking with her friends but my ds enjoys chatting online with his. Since it's almost summer break and his school year is winding down I've let him spend a little more time than usual on FB. However, this is one of those times where I think he will suffer the consequences of his decision all on his own because, before FB, he was ontrack to complete all his schoolwork by the end of May. Now it's looking more like the middle of June and maybe later if he doesn't get a handle on limiting his online time. I've told him that I will not 'nag' him but he has to be responsible to get his work done and his 'year' isn't done until the work is completed! Maybe I'm crazy but I look at this as one opportunity to teach him to be responsible for his own time which is exactly what he says he wants. We will see.

 

I do agree with you though about figuring this all out before they head off on their own. I read recently (I think it was in a post on this forum) that it's better to let your children stumble while still under your roof so that you can guide them with love and wisdom through it. I look at computer usage and TV viewing in that way.

[LauraGB]

Treat a young child with respect rather than one "obviously born with sin" and you'll see a world of difference. (Not saying this to you, just to the whole idea of child rearing I've seen among too many parents.)

 

I think in many cases it's not really a trust issue with a child, but rather what's out there on the internet. I've been searching along and come across some icky things. My kids would be no different, and I certainly don't want that to happen to them. Also, I think by teaching children how to responsibly use the computer is part of our job - I know several parents who have no rules with their computers and whose children spend a sad amt of time just playing around on it instead of hanging out with their friends or being otherwise productive. And I know other kids who just aren't that into the computer - but then again, their parents really aren't, either. I think if a computer is in the house, it's just a part of wise parenting, not necessarily a "born with sin" sort of thing.

[LibraryLover]

I love YouTube. There is some great stuff there! On the humourous side, I love sharing Horrible Histories with my kids. We also spent time the other day watching all the Swagger Wagon vids laughing our heads off. It's fun. It doesn't interfere with anything important. We spend a lot of time at home together, and maybe that's why it seems we have 'enough' time to engage in all sorts of activites, including computer ones. I mean, one can't even read the NYT online in 30 minutes, usually, and I am a fast reader.

 

 

 

 

Great question!

 

My ds16 has been a fan of youtube for the past year and there have been times when my dh or I have had to step in and say, "Enough! Log off." He generally is watching silly comedic videos and for him it's a great stress release. It's actually quite humerous for the rest of us because he will sit at the computer (which is in a very public location between LR and DR) with the headphones on so he doesn't bother us, but every few minutes he will bust out laughing and that usually draws our attention which can lead to the rest of us standing over his shoulder trying to see what is so hilarious! :lol:

 

As for FB, he just started with that a month or so ago. He has a few friends from church that he hangs with and they all have FB accounts so he wanted his own in order to chat with them. I look at it this way, my oldest dd spent a good deal of her free time as a teen on the phone talking with her friends but my ds enjoys chatting online with his. Since it's almost summer break and his school year is winding down I've let him spend a little more time than usual on FB. However, this is one of those times where I think he will suffer the consequences of his decision all on his own because, before FB, he was ontrack to complete all his schoolwork by the end of May. Now it's looking more like the middle of June and maybe later if he doesn't get a handle on limiting his online time. I've told him that I will not 'nag' him but he has to be responsible to get his work done and his 'year' isn't done until the work is completed! Maybe I'm crazy but I look at this as one opportunity to teach him to be responsible for his own time which is exactly what he says he wants. We will see.

 

I do agree with you though about figuring this all out before they head off on their own. I read recently (I think it was in a post on this forum) that it's better to let your children stumble while still under your roof so that you can guide them with love and wisdom through it. I look at computer usage and TV viewing in that way.

Edited May 22, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Ester Maria]

I tend to go with the "trust your kids, until they give you a reason to change your opinion" principle rather than with the "don't trust your kids until they give you a reason to trust them" one.

 

With regards to the actual internet time, we do require them to take a short break after about 30 minutes of sitting by the computer/laptop (to stretch, rest their eyes, etc. - health mostly), but we don't impose any strict time limits. They can't use it very late, and if we think they've been using it too much in a day, we ask them to turn it off and they do. No problems so far.

 

They also spend a lot of time watching YouTube videos, but honestly, they surprised me in a good way with regards to that! Sure, they watch some music too, but they also watch films, educational stuff (!!), lectures from universities that are uploaded (!!) and alike. Their usage of technology is usually borderline educational, with some down-time usage too.

[Teachin'Mine]

Good topic! I've been meaning to ask the hive's opinion on this as well. This year I allowed my daughter to join a forum, and I had no idea how much time she'd want to be on that. It was getting out of hand, so I limited her to 90 minutes a day. It doesn't help that I'm not setting a good example as I spend a lot of time online. But I'm thinking ahead to next year and know that her high school schedule will be even busier. She says she needs this for her down time, and I understand that. She works hard on her school work. It also doesn't help that other things she enjoys spending time on are computer oriented as well. She spends a lot of time writing, and this is all done on the computer, so it's hard to tell how much time is online, and how much is writing.

 

I have noticed that with the internet use, her reading has been dropped. She used to read a lot, but now her spare time is spent more on the computer. I wish I hadn't started, but it's often her only contact with kids during the week, and she really enjoys chatting with them - she's made a lot of friends this way. She also chats a lot with friends IRL as it's so hard to get together. I really would like to eliminate weekday usage all together so she'll spend more time reading the books she's missing out on, but it's harder to limit once it's been allowed. I'm finding everyone's comments very interesting. I don't worry so much about the content, but the length of time.

[LibraryLover]

90 minutes is a nice chunk for chatting. I wouldn't feel guilty not wanting to allow more at this point. If she is homeschooled, she has a lot of time in day to read. Can she read in the morning, or at lunch time? Can you read together? I still read aloud to my teens. Sometimes they moan now, but they do listen. What about audio books in the car? Does she have a literature program? What books are part of the program?

 

 

Good topic! I've been meaning to ask the hive's opinion on this as well. This year I allowed my daughter to join a forum' date=' and I had no idea how much time she'd want to be on that. It was getting out of hand, so I limited her to 90 minutes a day. It doesn't help that I'm not setting a good example as I spend a lot of time online. But I'm thinking ahead to next year and know that her high school schedule will be even busier. She says she needs this for her down time, and I understand that. She works hard on her school work. It also doesn't help that other things she enjoys spending time on are computer oriented as well. She spends a lot of time writing, and this is all done on the computer, so it's hard to tell how much time is online, and how much is writing.

 

I have noticed that with the internet use, her reading has been dropped. She used to read a lot, but now her spare time is spent more on the computer. I wish I hadn't started, but it's often her only contact with kids during the week, and she really enjoys chatting with them - she's made a lot of friends this way. She also chats a lot with friends IRL as it's so hard to get together. I really would like to eliminate weekday usage all together so she'll spend more time reading the books she's missing out on, but it's harder to limit once it's been allowed. I'm finding everyone's comments very interesting. I don't worry so much about the content, but the length of time.[/quote']

[MamaT]

Unless my dc were spending an excessive amount of time on the computer, I would not give them time limits.

 

My two teens get on their facebook for about 1/2 hour once a day (unless they get sucked in to one of the FB games!) and use their computers for various school assignments.

 

As far as monitoring what they are doing on the computer, we have their passwords for their computers, emails, etc. and check them periodically. They have never given us a reason not to trust them. Dh and oldest ds check on their FB page, along with a ton of other adult relatives.

 

They have many other interests and spend time doing lots of different things. If they were just sitting in front of the computer all day, then I would step in.

[Daisy]

I view the internet like I do a knife.

 

You have a few options.

 

1. Hand it to them and say, "Hey, I trust you."

 

2. Forbid them to ever touch one. Never have them in your house. Keep them far far away because your child might get hurt.

 

3. Teach them age-appropriate safety, supervise them, demonstrate and model proper usage, and expect that some day they'll be able to have a knife in their own house without it being a major problem.

 

We tend towards #3. I don't have teenagers, but we keep the computer in a public place, monitor usage, and model good internet behavior.

[Cedarmom]

Our a computer is in a public place. We had cyber patrol for a long time. When my son was younger (until he was 16) he was not allowed to use the internet if we weren't there. I trusted him to obey that rule. He was trustworthy, and we'd had no problems. If it was an issue, I porbably would have done something like take the router. As an older teen, he could be on it even if we weren't there. I don't restrict the time on it (did when he was younger) He does get distracted and what starts out as a school conversation devolves into fluff and I direct him back to his school work if necessary. He spends more time on it then I'd like, but he does get all his school done, so I let him manage his time.

[Pippen]

Our computer is in a public place right off the kitchen. So, whatever our kids do on the computer, it's in front of everyone! .

 

Ditto.

 

We give our kids basic guidelines about privacy and safety and staying away from anything that doesn't mesh with our values. They know that they must check with us before registering at any site, plus they must give us all passwords.

 

So far they've used good judgement (except teen boys being on too long and occasionally playing a game like Kitten Canon to upset their little sister :toetap05:) and as long as they keep that up, those will be our rules. I'd rather be giving them gradually increasing amounts of freedom while they're under our roof than to have high levels of restrictions while they're home, then have them suddenly faced with a big world of choices when they leave.

 

Also should mention that sometimes we'll add time restrictions if they're getting out of hand and it's pretty common for my oldest to need a parent-imposed screen time vacation :) the week before final exams.

[BeckyFL]

We don't monitor my son. He's given us no reason to ever worry. If I feel like he's been on the computer too much, I ask him to turn it off and he does.

 

Treat a young child with respect rather than one "obviously born with sin" and you'll see a world of difference. (Not saying this to you, just to the whole idea of child rearing I've seen among too many parents.)

 

You never know where you might end up when you google something. One time I typed rollercoastertycoon with a typo on one letter and ended up somewhere awful. Also whitehouse. something other than gov takes you to a porn site I have heard. They try to do this.

 

We have Safe eyes at my house.

[Ester Maria]

As far as monitoring what they are doing on the computer, we have their passwords for their computers, emails, etc. and check them periodically. They have never given us a reason not to trust them.

:confused:

This sounds really contradicting to me; not trying to sound grumpy or to criticize you, but, in one hand you say you trust them, they're good kids who have never given you a reason not to trust them - and then in the other hand you behave as if you didn't trust them at all, to the point of requiring to know their passwords!

Maybe it's only my perception, but if somebody is actively and regularly controlling my personal things and my whereabouts - it's not really "trust", is it?

You never know where you might end up when you google something. One time I typed rollercoastertycoon with a typo on one letter and ended up somewhere awful.

Okay, but in the worst of all cases - getting to a site that was somehow not blocked by all the safe measures - what can happen?

Your child may end up on an indecent page. Okay. A theoretical possibility always exists (something bad can always happen, in any situation - does it mean you are not going to live normally?).

Your child is a good-behaved child, knows what's appropriate and what not, they end up on an inappropriate page, they go to the little X in the top right corner, end of story, tell you to block that page or they block it themselves if they know how to. That's what I did those few times when it happened to me. I realize that any sane parent will try to prevent it happening in the first place - but IF it happens, it's solvable very quickly with no long-term consequences on anything.

[Haiku]

in one hand you say you trust them, they're good kids who have never given you a reason not to trust them - and then in the other hand you behave as if you didn't trust them at all, to the point of requiring to know their passwords!

Maybe it's only my perception, but if somebody is actively and regularly controlling my personal things and my whereabouts - it's not really "trust", is it?

 

 

Parent can trust their kids and still check up on them to make sure they are ok. Kids are, after all, kids, and parents have a responsibility (imo) to be proactive.

 

Tara

[Ester Maria]

Parent can trust their kids and still check up on them to make sure they are ok. Kids are, after all, kids, and parents have a responsibility (imo) to be proactive.

 

Tara

I absolutely agree with that. And with safety measure, glimpsing over to see what they're doing, computers put in public space, etc. I really understand all of those, and find it legitimate.

 

I just find that requiring passwords and entering their accounts is that "step too far", kwim? Maybe it's only my perception though. Maybe I think that way because my kids don't have a plethora of accounts yet too. Just how I view it now, that's all. :)

[vonfirmath]

My friend's son is (and was) a "Good kid" -- obeyed his parents, etc. But still got himself caught up sneaking behind his parents to look at pictures he knew he was not supposed to be. They instituted more rules about the computer after they discovered that. Before that point, they'd figured it was not necessary for their kids, because their kids were good kids

 

I'll treat the computer like TV when my kids were older.

 

When we were growing up, we had limited amounts of TV time and only certain programs we were allowed to watch and we knew those limits. I never felt my parents didn't trust me because they limited things. We were actually pretty good, trustworthy kids and they gave us lots of free rein elsewhere to show this. But we knew they were trying to protect us and appreciated that.

 

Even as an adult, I voluntarily live by many of the guidelines my parents first established as rules. Because they just make sense.

[Haiku]

I just find that requiring passwords and entering their accounts is that "step too far", kwim?

 

Let me give you an example of when I have logged into my child's account. Before my dd got a Facebook page, I told her that one stipulation was that I would have her password and occasionally log into her page. I told that I would be doing this because I was aware of the kinds of things that sometimes go on on FB/MySpace type places and that I viewed Facebook as a party she was attending. I wouldn't allow her to go to an unchaperoned party, and I wouldn't let her interact online completely unsupervised, either. As her FB friend, I can see her wall, but I can't see her "feed," meaning I can't see what all her friends are posting on their pages. I logged into my dd's Facebook account recently and discovered that one of her "friends" had, that day, posted a number of status updates about how a certain girl at their school was a "b*tch" and "ho" and the like. I deleted the girl from my dd's page, and I then discussed it with my dd.

 

Maybe some people would find that overly intrusive, but to me I'm just making sure that things in an unsupervised situation aren't getting out of hand.

 

Tara

[Cindy in C-ville]

I've really appreciated all the replies. I have a few comments of clarification:

 

Although it may be a concern at some point, our concern at this time is not the content of what our kids are viewing on the internet, but the amount of time my older girls spend surfing, viewing youtube videos, and for our oldest hanging out of FB. I see this as similar to choosing to read "twaddle" over good literature. It may be okay in moderation ... but needs moderation. At some point, they need to self-moderate, but if we are honest, none of us are perfect self-moderators. While they are still teens, dh and I have a responsibility to provide healthy parameters to aid them in making good choices.

 

The BOB gadget sounds like it may be what we're looking for - to help them budget their time online. Jjhat, it sounds like you have successfully help your kids become intrinsically motivated to make good choices. That's a real encouragement as that's the vision we have. Tara, I appreciate your honesty. One of our daughters, in particular, loves technology just like her Daddy. While we want to encourage her interests and appreciate what we recognize as gifting in this area, she just is too immature to have carte blanche access. She has crossed boundaries we have set together in the past and has asked for us to keep an eye on her internet usage. It just makes her feel safer.

 

Several who have indicated that this is a trust issue between parent and child, I would disagree. I don't think it's an issue of viewing your child with suspicion, but acknowledgement that many of us would choose (and do?) to waste time online rather than pursuing real life relationships, reading, exercising, gardening, etc. If we, as grown women, struggle with this, then surely some of our children will. Sue in NH, sounds like our kids are very similar and appreciate your post.

 

Totally appreciate the unchaperoned party post. That "clicks" with me.

 

More thoughts?

 

Of course there's the icky stuff that you can just come across by accident. I don't know that there's much more to do about that other than teach your kids how to shut the computer and come get you right away to deal with it.

 

I love Youtube as well - Swagger Van is my current favorite, but we love to watch various ones TOGETHER and laugh. My problem is more the isolation that can occur when their heads are buried in their laptop.

[Rhonda in TX]

Our Mac has very strong controls. Our children our limited to 2 hours a days. They can only go to web-sites that we have given them express permission for. Now, we are broadening what they can access to as they get older, but it's still under our control.

 

DD (12) has asked if she can have a facebook account when she is 13. We will probably allow that, with the understanding that we have complete access to her account. As she gets older, we will look over her shoulder less and less, but for now, this is the way it is.

 

(BTW, 2 hours does not include school work like writing papers or researching. It's purely their free time on there.)

[Cindy in C-ville]

One of the things that I've thought of as I've read through the posts is that it is more effective and more loving to initiate oversight as just part of the fabric of life when they're younger. If they go from having no controls to having controls because something happens, you'll be facing more of a crisis/battle situation. Isn't it better to just get the boundaries in place so that they feel natural and then self-regulation becomes part of the fabric of who they are? As they mature, you are looking over their shoulder less and less because they've matured and developed intrinsic motivation. What do you think?

[Peela]

We all have our own computers, are computer savvy and pretty liberal with computer useage.

 

Ds14 and Dd15 yos have own Facebook but must have parents as friends. Both have unfriended us- lost computer privileges- refriended us in order to get computer priveleges back again.

 

Both have unrestricted screen time between 6pm and 9pm in the evenings- TV and/or computer.

 

Both use computers for schooltime and sometimes are caught doing non schooly things like You Tube during school hours. They are reprimanded and redirected to schoolwork. School is in public areas so this only generally happens if I am too busy doing something else to notice. However, if they are generally focused I dont mind a quick "YouTube break" during school hours at lunchtime of if they are waiting for something.

 

The big issue here has been their ipods connected to WiFi. We have found they will go to bed at 9pm and sit in bed on Facebook on their ipods. We only recently dealt with it though it's been going on for a while (we can be a bit slow!) and they both have to hand me their ipods at 9pm. I really want them to have a break between screen time, and sleep. They also both stopped reading in the evenings because of their ipods so hopefully they will get back into that habit. We will see.

 

Dd15 does Media Studies for school and spends a lot of time working on her photography online. I let her spend extra time in the afternoons on her computer because its a creative outlet for her and she doesn't have any friends locally. Ds has friends on the street- he is out there playing every afternoon.

 

There are compromises and screen time does tend to creep up to an unacceptable level quite often- then we discuss and deal with it and bring it back down. No miracle solutions here- just knitty gritty flexible real life working it out as we go, and lots of discussions with the teens about how we feel about too much screen time.