What are your expectations of your daughters-in-law?

[Parrothead]

That's putting words in her mouth, isn't it?

 

If I dare to translate Ravin's post, she is saying "I would hope for a DIL who's values were compatible with my values." That's not much different to Christians saying they hope for good Christian DILs. Not much different to "I hope she doesn't hate my guts," either.

 

If my dil has to hate mine, I hope she waits until we've met. My inlaws decided they didn't like me before we even met. The least they could have done was dislike me for the right reasons :D

 

Rosie

I don't know. Maybe. I didn't think it needed any translation. "Well parented, starting with breastfeeding." That sounded like an absolute to me. And I wasn't the only one that read it, thought so and commented on it.

 

Maybe there were a couple of people that read it wrong. But we don't know because Ravin has not come back to clarify if she meant it as an absolute or something else. She did say in her post that some might consider what she expects to be unreasonable.

[PineFarmMom]

To be a woman who fears and loves the Lord.

 

If this can describe her, everything else will fall into place.

 

:iagree:

[Crissy]

Crossing people who have mental illness off the list of acceptable people means you might miss out on some really great people.

 

I just want to mention that Kay works with those with mental illness on a daily basis, so her statement is likely based on her experiences, not a general fear or misunderstanding.

[Orthodox6]

I just want to mention that Kay works with those with mental illness on a daily basis, so her statement is likely based on her experiences, not a general fear or misunderstanding.

 

Irrational fear of and ignorance of mental illness permeate society at all levels. Fact. Very widespread.

[kalanamak]

I just want to mention that Kay works with those with mental illness on a daily basis, so her statement is likely based on her experiences, not a general fear or misunderstanding.

 

Even before experiences, I was fascinated with major mental illnesses. I first heard of schizophrenia at age 8, and by 10 had read much on it and already rejected the "refridgerator mother" concept of causation, which was still alive in the 60's when I first learning about mental illness. I tried for years to get a "field trip" to the state hospital, and finally made it for a visit when I was 15.

 

I come from an extremely utilitarian family whose mother was heard to say "people breed their dogs with more care than they breed themselves". That said, marriage and parenting are not as closely tied as they once were, and I was married, for years, to a man who didn't want to pass on his family's dysthymia and alcoholism. I did check my current hubby's general health (he was 50 after all) and family tree. It is not a stellar tree, with dyslexia, incest, and beaters in more than one generation, but no, as it is called, "major mental illness".

 

I personally would not reproduce if I had 2 or more schizophrenic relatives, at least one of which was a first degree relative. I recently talked to a man who stayed childless because all three of his sibs have schizophrenia. He is the guardian of two of them, as he was of his mother.

 

I understand that some people believe marriages are made in heaven, and that there is common idea of "one person for each of us", plus our culture's oft-repeated Love Conquers All, and I certainly don't advocate putting legal leverage on whom one reproduces with, but will break my family tradition and personally avowed philosophy of butting strictly OUT of the affairs of my grown children if kiddo elects to risk pregnancy with a woman with a family tree of schizophrenia. I will simply show him statistics. If that fails to persuade him, nothing I say could, and I would keep mum and do my best by them both.

[Lara in Colo]

Love the Lord

Love my son

Let me visit

 

Lara

[Crissy]

Irrational fear of and ignorance of mental illness permeate society at all levels. Fact. Very widespread.

 

 

Of course.

Still, ignorance of mental illness isn't a label one could use to describe Kay.

[HRAAB]

I have no sons, but I'm sure my expectations would be the same. I hope my dd's husbands love unconditionally and respect them as persons. My hopes are that will see me as a supporter and friend.

 

I have other hopes - such as I hope my dd's choose to breastfeed - but it's not my call. Other than offer suggestions when asked for, I'll bite my tongue. I learned that lesson early on with a mil who never knew when to bite her own tongue!

 

I have one married dd, and so far, so good.

[Tap]

I really hope that my future dil is kind. Ds is a very, very nice person-I would love for him to find a darling wife who is kind.

 

Ds15's first 'girl he is hanging out with' is very sweet and silly/funny at 16, so I hope he continues to choose similar people to spend his time with.

[Smithie]

" If she likes my son and assumes me to be an ally rather than an enemy, we'll be just fine even if she isn't the crunchy type I hope she'll be."

 

 

:iagree:

 

There are a lot of things I HOPE for in a DIL - but basically the only things I REQUIRE for a workable relationship is that she be well matched with my ds and be able to come to an understanding of the fact that I, right behind her and my ds and hopefully in conjunction with her own mother, am the #3 person on the list of People Who Love My Children More Than Life And Will Do Anything For Them.

[Audrey]

I expect to have raised a man who will know what he needs in a wife. The rest is up to them.

 

(Although I really liked LibraryLover's answer, too. :))

 

 

:iagree: If I've done it right, he'll find the nice sugar-momma witch he needs. :D

[Mama Lynx]

That she love my son and that she is committed to seeing the relationship through rough times. That she want children.

 

The rest is gravy. I mean, I'd *love* it if she were a natural-birthing, breastfeeding, homeschooling, intelligent, well-read, mature, easygoing woman who respects our religious views, but I have to trust my son to choose well for himself.

[Karen in CO]

That she love my son and that she is committed to seeing the relationship through rough times. That she want children.

 

The rest is gravy. I mean, I'd *love* it if she were a natural-birthing, breastfeeding, homeschooling, intelligent, well-read, mature, easygoing woman who respects our religious views, but I have to trust my son to choose well for himself.

 

:iagree: Exactly.

[zaichiki]

Crossing people who have mental illness off the list of acceptable people means you might miss out on some really great people.

 

And to the poster who said that "irrational fear of mental illness permeates society at all levels" (not exactly quoted) --

 

People with mental illness could be wonderful, kind, loving, supportive, etc., but it's true that MANY MANY people with mental illness can be exactly the opposite when they are having their episodes. It is not unreasonable to prefer NOT to have to live with this. I think it's common sense to hope that one's future d-i-l does not have "major mental illness." I hope my children don't have to live with this.

 

Living with someone I loved who had mental illness was the most challenging, scary, and sometimes downright horrible experience in my entire life. I won't give details.

 

Anyway, whether you call it "fear" or not -- it is not irrational.

[lllll]

..

[lvbnhome]

but I have found not to really have expectations from others.

One of my favorite quotes..

Sow and expectation

Reap a Disappointment.

 

I do believe that I can teach my son, what to look for, and really just trust the graces that God brings into our lives through the "non-bloods" (this is a funny term we use in my husbands family to refer to those not related by blood, but by marriage) :)

 

May we all seek to be the mil and mothers we always wanted :):seeya:

[*Inna*]

To be a woman who fears and loves the Lord.

 

If this can describe her, everything else will fall into place.

:iagree:

[jld]

May we all seek to be the mil and mothers we always wanted :):seeya:

 

But see, I think this is the problem: it's not about us, and what we wanted. It's about them, and what they want, or will want. We need to listen to them, and see how/if we can be what they want/need.

[Crissy]

But see, I think this is the problem: it's not about us, and what we wanted. It's about them, and what they want, or will want. We need to listen to them, and see how/if we can be what they want/need.

 

I agree with this, jld.

My husband and I often discuss being the kind of parents our boys want and need as we age and they become independent men.

Our hope is that we can be aware of those wants/needs and resist the tendency to remain 'set in our ways'.

My hope is the same for all new additions to our family.

[eternalknot]

I'm reading a book right now on what families expect of dils in India, and am wondering what American families would say they expect of dils. Your thoughts?

 

I'm not sure what I expect, actually. I'm having a hard enough time coming to terms with my expectations for a sister-in-law (I love the women my brothers have married, but there are definitely some cultural differences in what we were expecting and what the women were expecting!) It's been a learning experience, and has given me some insight into how I might view a future DIL.

 

Love and respect are good; for my son, for his tight-knit and busybody extended family (which are part of the deal, like it or not).

 

A sense of purpose for herself, whether it's to be a working professional or a homemaker. I don't want someone whose identity is tied up in my son's. That's not who I want raising my grandkids.

 

I expect my children to care for me in my golden years. Ideally, I live with my son and help raise their kids. I'd accept much less than that, but my DIL will have to know that our culture and our family value filial responsibility and that my son is expected to do his part. My son is raised an American so I think it will be a transitory generation where he helps more than his peers but less so than we're helping my own elders. I can accept that reality, though it's not my expectation of him.

 

She needs a bit of fire in her belly. I expect her to assert herself when and where appropriate (who wants a pushover for a DIL?!) and to keep my son accountable. To challenge him, help him to mature and grow as an individual. But she needs to know how to dance around the fire in HIS belly, too. He'll assert himself where his family is concerned, and she'll have to pick her battles.

 

I expect more of my son than I do of his future wife. I expect him to find someone who shares our values and who is open to sharing our traditions. Someone who won't mind learning a few of our family recipes, basic language skills to communicate with elder relatives, incorporating our holidays and festivals into her own. I expect him to find someone open to raising children the way he was raised (breastfed, bedsharing, sibling relationships).

 

Most importantly I don't think love is enough to make a marriage last, and I'd expect my son and DIL to seriously consider and discuss that going in.

[CLHCO]

But see, I think this is the problem: it's not about us, and what we wanted. It's about them, and what they want, or will want. We need to listen to them, and see how/if we can be what they want/need.

 

:iagree:

 

I do not see eye to eye with my mil in almost anything, particularly things close to my heart/values. However, I will give credit where credit is due - I would much rather have her as a mil than a woman who agrees with me but doesn't know when to butt-out! My mother-in-law is excellent in knowing when to do that, and I will be forever grateful. :)

 

Come over and help when a hand with the grandkids is needed, look at the pictures, don't criticize dinner, and do laugh at the goofy things the grandkids do... it goes a long way!

 

That said, I hope my future daughter-in-law is a strong Christians who is crunchy in her diet and health, breastfeeds, homeschools, and plays bluegrass music. Hey, I said *hope*, not *expect*. :tongue_smilie: