Wedding etiquette question

[lisamarie]

My sister and I are in debate about something so I thought I would ask others what they thought. My brother is getting married in NJ this summer and so we are all going out there and going to see NYC and surrounding areas for the first time. We will all be there for the week leading up to the wedding. The girls were invited to future SIL's bachelorette party Thursday night, then there is the rehearsal dinner Friday night and the wedding Saturday with the reception Sat night.

 

My sister thinks this is too much with an already packed schedule trying to see as much of NYC as possible. She wants to skip the rehearsal dinner (which we haven't actually been invited to as of yet though my mom claims we are invited). I think that's rude. This is probably the only time we will ever meet her family outside of the wedding and to skip it would be in poor taste. None of our side of the family is in the wedding except for my DD who is a flower girl--which was a last minute addition and I'm pretty sure it was an afterthought to include my brother's side of the family in the wedding at all. My DH says we don't have to go since rehearsal dinners are for the wedding party, not necessarily family.

 

So what do you all think? Is it okay to skip it or would that be tacky and send a poor message? (We are going to the bachelorette party even though we will only know SIL and one of the bridal party members.)

[amy g.]

I wouldn't skip it.

[Heather in Neverland]

well the answer to me depends on whether or not you get invited. If you are invited, you go.

[FaithManor]

I think you need to wait for a formal invite. Who is paying for the rehearsal dinner. Traditionally, this is covered by the groom's parents (though many traditions of "who pays" have gone by the wayside and some couples pay for everything themselves), then your mother would invite your family. But, if the bride's family is paying for it or if the couple pays but the venue is expensive, you might find that they limit the guest list.

 

I'd hold out for an official word and then make a determination from there. It probably isn't "wrong" to skip it and sight-see if you aren't playing a role in the ceremony. However, if the bride really wants all of you to meet her side of the family, then it might go better towards fostering good family relations to not skip.

 

The other consideration is the age of the children. At many rehearsal dinners, only children actually participating in the wedding are typically invited. Since you are travling and not likely to have childcare, then you may need to bow-out. I would ask a lot of questions.

 

We had a large, informal dinner because so many family with children were coming from out-of-state. However, when we actually did the rehearsal afterward (due to scheduling issues with the facility we could not practive earlier), we expected and announced that only those children actually in the wedding party should stay for the rehearsal. This fell on deaf ears to family members (not in the party) who just had to stick around out of sheer curiosity. Their children, tired and cranky from the long evening and bored to boot, created a lot of problems. So, think about that as well before making a decision.

 

Faith

[Sherry in OH]

My sister thinks this is too much with an already packed schedule trying to see as much of NYC as possible. She wants to skip the rehearsal dinner (which we haven't actually been invited to as of yet though my mom claims we are invited). I think that's rude. This is probably the only time we will ever meet her family outside of the wedding and to skip it would be in poor taste. None of our side of the family is in the wedding except for my DD who is a flower girl--which was a last minute addition and I'm pretty sure it was an afterthought to include my brother's side of the family in the wedding at all. My DH says we don't have to go since rehearsal dinners are for the wedding party, not necessarily family.

 

 

Your daughter is part of the wedding party. Isn't she expected to participate in the rehearsal? Would you send her to the dinner alone?

 

Customs vary. My sister and her husband invited out of town guests to attend their rehearsal dinner. Their wedding was in a small town without much in the way of entertainment. My cousin did not feel the need to entertain traveling guests. She felt that the guests on her side of the family would be visiting with other friends and relatives and that her fiance's family would want to visit tourist sites. She provided a list of area attractions that the guests might enjoy on their own.

 

You might ask your brother and his fiancee. Tell them that you do not want to cause hurt feelings either way. Let them know that if you are invited you would be happy to attend. If you are not invited, you would be equally happy to make other arrangements for the evening.

[lionfamily1999]

I thought the rehearsal dinner was for the wedding party and close relatives.

 

While I wouldn't plan a family vacation around the wedding, I wouldn't think that attending the rehearsal dinner was mandatory. I think it would only be rude if you begged off because you already had plans...... IOW, begging off because you're tired and want to be refreshed for the wedding is one thing, begging off because you want to go watch a broadway show, something different.

 

But I don't really know the rules of rehearsal dinners.

[Rosy]

My understanding is that the rehearsal dinner is for the wedding party and out-of-town guests. If you do get an invitation, I would go to that and skip the bachelorette party, or go to both and skip the extra evening of sightseeing.

[rookie]

The rehearsal dinner is for the wedding party and out-of-towners. You should be invited (dd in wedding + out-of-twners) and if invited you should go.

[lisamarie]

While I wouldn't plan a family vacation around the wedding, I wouldn't think that attending the rehearsal dinner was mandatory. I think it would only be rude if you begged off because you already had plans...... IOW, begging off because you're tired and want to be refreshed for the wedding is one thing, begging off because you want to go watch a broadway show, something different.

 

 

We are from MI, the wedding is in NJ. We also have CO family flying in. With driving 12 hours each way, and getting the whole family together for the first time in years (the last time we took a big family trip my 6 year old was 10 mns old), it made sense to spend a week there rather than just the weekend so we could sight see and have a family get-together. My family turns everything into a party---it's the Italian in us.:lol:

 

If we skipped the rehearsal, it would be because we were staying home letting the kids sleep so they were able to sit through the wedding and reception the next day. My sister has a 1 and 3 year old, I have a 2, 4, and 6 year old. Not exactly party animals. I'm already trying to figure out how I'm going to handle a full wedding day with 2 nappers, 1 of those nappers being the flower girl.:001_huh:

[KatieJ]

We live in Michigan and both my and my hubby's families live elsewhere, from the West coast to Texas etc..

When our daughter got married 7 years ago, her hubby was from Florida along with all his relatives. We planned the rehearsal dinner to include all out of towners.We had over 80 people in our backyard for a nice meal that we made. Our logic was , we could spend the evening in a restaurant with the wedding party and our families would be visiting in their hotels, or we could invite our families and have some time to actually visit. It is not uncommon anymore for rehearsal dinners to include out of town guests.

However, other than the wedding party, it is not manditory..and if your daughter is young, needs her sleep, everyone would understand if you skipped the dinner. It really depends on the timing of the event. We did both our daughter's and our son's rehearsals at 4pm so we could have the dinner started by 6pm.

BTW..we did not send out separate invites, we just included that meal on the RSVP card for the wedding..which, I guess is an invite.

[OrganicAnn]

I think it is okay for the kids and your DH to skip the rehearsal dinner, but as the sister of the groom I think I would try very hard to attend. I think you need more information to make a good decision. Where, when etc.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Ask your brother if you are invited to the rehearsal dinner. Many times, out-of-town guests, who are already in town for the wedding, are included in the rehearsal dinner. If you are invited, then go if you want to, but I wouldn't feel obligated to go.

[lionfamily1999]

We are from MI, the wedding is in NJ. We also have CO family flying in. With driving 12 hours each way, and getting the whole family together for the first time in years (the last time we took a big family trip my 6 year old was 10 mns old), it made sense to spend a week there rather than just the weekend so we could sight see and have a family get-together. My family turns everything into a party---it's the Italian in us.:lol:

 

If we skipped the rehearsal, it would be because we were staying home letting the kids sleep so they were able to sit through the wedding and reception the next day. My sister has a 1 and 3 year old, I have a 2, 4, and 6 year old. Not exactly party animals. I'm already trying to figure out how I'm going to handle a full wedding day with 2 nappers, 1 of those nappers being the flower girl.:001_huh:

ooOOOoooh! With kids those ages, I would think they'd understand you wanting to sleep rather than go to the rehearsal dinner. With your whole family there, though, I can understand wanting to stay out until all hours of the morning and survive off 5hour energy ;)

 

As for the nappers... My brother put all of us (except my youngest who was a week old) in his wedding. My sister was huge preg, I was leaking like mad, and our children were hot and tired. Luckily, my almost sil thought to reserve the first pew for us, and then put little candies all down the pew to keep the kids busy. She had chairs brought up so my sister and I could sit through the ceremony. She said, "I knew what I was getting into and while it's my wedding, you're almost family and it's my job to keep you comfortable. I knew what I was getting into having small children and two women who were near their due dates in my wedding." Hopefully, your dd will be acommodated (my spelling is worse than ever this morning, sorry!).

[jujsky]

If you are invited to it, I feel skipping it would be in poor taste. Yes, you'll be busy in NYC having fun that week, but the purpose of your trip is to attend brother's wedding & the activities leading up to it.

[Carol in Cal.]

...are for the wedding party primarily. Normally out of town guests are not necessarily included. Normally close relatives are, and where you draw the line for 'close' varies.

 

You all are in the close relative category, I think, and skipping the rehearsal dinner would be wrong. But if you're not invited no biggie. I personally would avoid appearing to feel miffed about not being invited, so as to avoid a guilt invitation that I then could not reasonably refuse. And I would plan on going, with a back up plan in case I luckily did not receive an invitation.

[In The Great White North]

I think you need to wait for a formal invite.

 

Was I supposed to send invitations to the Rehearsal Dinner?

 

I'd ask (and imply the dc couldn't hang.) I doubt if I'm the only bride who had no idea separate invitations were de rigour and they will need to know exact numbers ahead of time.

 

BTW, though I didn't notice it at the time, on the video, you can hear screaming babies during the ceremony. You could tell the bride that, in an effort to make the ceremony as nice for her as possible, you're going to try to make sure the dc get enough sleep to not be cranky at the wedding itself.

[tabrizia]

Every wedding I've attended in the past 8 years, and there are have been a lot of them, included all out of town guests for the rehearsal dinner. That being said I have done rehearsal dinners with small ones, and will be doing another one this August for my brother's wedding. In general it is polite to at least show up. No one has minded if we felt the need to leave early though, so there have been times when we went for dinner and left before desert or right after desert while a lot of other people there ended up staying there for another hour or two.

 

For a sibling's wedding I would definitely be attending the rehearsal dinner.

[Lisa in Jax]

The rehearsal dinner is traditionally *hosted* (and paid for) by the groom's family. Even if your parents aren't paying for dinner, you ought to be invited and you should attend. Don't let the focus on the bride mean that your brother doesn't get to have all of HIS family at the rehearsal, etc.

 

FWIW, we used to run a wedding invitation store, and we had to be "up" on proper etiquette.

 

HIH,

 

Lisa

[angela in ohio]

...are for the wedding party primarily. Normally out of town guests are not necessarily included. Normally close relatives are, and where you draw the line for 'close' varies.

 

You all are in the close relative category, I think, and skipping the rehearsal dinner would be wrong. But if you're not invited no biggie. I personally would avoid appearing to feel miffed about not being invited, so as to avoid a guilt invitation that I then could not reasonably refuse. And I would plan on going, with a back up plan in case I luckily did not receive an invitation.

 

:iagree: