Vent - care for in-laws

[lulubelle]

Background: fil has had angina for the past 7 or so years. He has been in the hospital for attacks at least 7 times and it usually ends up being more of an anxiety attack and sometimes he has another stint put in. My husband and I have never rushed up to be with him for any of the procedures. We consider them routine and not worthy of driving 3 hours round trip and having dh take time off of work. My dh calls them and keeps up to date with it all. My sil takes each episode as if fil is on his death bed and needs someone to be there for him. She is bitter and angry that we do not come to. She lives 15 minutes from them and feels that it is an emergency situation each time and has taken off work to be with him. So, a few days ago mil had her second knee replacement surgery. And, a couple days after she returns home, fil has another angina/anxiety attack and is take to the hospital. Sil leaves a scathing message on our phone saying she expects one of us to get up there and help out because she can't do everything and can't afford to take all this time off of work. she says mil can not be left alone because of her knee surgery. So, I convince my husband that we should make an appearance for this one. We pack the kids up and are up at his mother's house by 9 am and tell his sister to go to work - we will spend the day. Well, she just says she isn't going to work and has bouts of anger all morning towards us. She tells us we have no idea what is going on and have chosen not to be a part of anything that goes on up there and that we are not needed and might as well just go home! I try to convince mil to go to a rehab, which she refuses to do because that is where people go to die. I tell her it is really hard on sil and fil can not take care of her. Sil tells me if I continue to talk to mil this way she will ask me to leave!

 

All this to say that my in-laws are just as crazy as we thought they were. It just reaffirmed my and dh decisions not to make a big deal of their somewhat minor health issues. Sil obviously wants to be a martyr and lives on drama and has some control issues. We just need to stay away from the chaos.

[BeckyFL]

Sounds like that. She's mad when you don't come. But when you do, she's mad that she can't be mad that you don't come. lol!

[k2bdeutmeyer]

Sounds like that. She's mad when you don't come. But when you do, she's mad that she can't be mad that you don't come. lol!

 

yes....that!

[Joanne]

{{hugs}}

 

You can't reason with crazy. I'm sorry.

[simka2]

I think we call that thinking "crazy makeing." :)

 

As a nurse I had to do a few rotations in rehab home...I made Dh swear to never put me in one!!!! That's just my opinion I know there are some really good ones, but with the number of hospital born infections and an elderly compromised immune system, I would refuse too.

 

I have a dear friend who teamed up with all the siblings and the parents estate and put them in a really nice retirement home. Then they pay about 3 people as caregivers for the hours they cannot be with them. These people are not made out of money, but they made it happen. I told dh this is how I want to go!!!!

[lulubelle]

I like the idea for an assisted living type of place for them, but there is no teaming up with his sister. It is worth a try. His parents are only 72 and 74, but with poor life style choices they are more like late 80's into the 90's! I can also understand that some rehab places are not that great, but I do not plan to make my children put their lives on hold due to my poor choices and fear of being in a rehab facility.

[Journey]

I guess I must have missed something and that there must be more to this story because I kind of feel like you guys are not being very nice. Please don't think I'm trying to be rude because I'm not. I guess that I'm sort of in the same situation as your SIL with my mom and dad. I have brothers and sisters-in-law who act like you do and it really bothers me, really, really bothers me and it hurts very, very much. I guess I look at it as these are our parents, we NEED to be there for them like they were there for us growing up. Do I expect you and your husband to go every time FIL goes to the ER? No, you could put more effort into it or at least act like you care, because it sounds like you don't and it also sounds like you think these people are a huge pain in the rear end and again, I think that's rude but that's just me. I dunno....I guess that I am the type of person who would be there for my mom and dad for whatever they need.

[Danestress]

I absolutely think someone needs to be with your FIL when he's in the hospital - not every single minute, but much of the time. Our aging parents need us. That doesn't sound like anything your SIL couldn't handle, though.

 

However, I also think someone definitely needs to be with your MIL after a surgery like that - pretty much every single minute for a few days at least, and much of the time after that. Knee replacement is a big deal, and actually, even if your MIL went to rehab, she still would need someone with her a lot. If her children don't go and care for her and advocate for her and communicate with her doctors and other care providers, it's really not ideal. I think we had someone with my father most of the time when he was in rehab both time - and that was for weeks. We paid people to be there when we couldn't, though that wasn't necessarily vital. But if your child were in rehab, wouldn't you feel like you wanted to be there? Even an older child. Our parents are not children, but they can be vulnerable and they do need us.

 

 

I think you and DH do need to step up. I'm sure your SIL is very stressed. It sounds like she's acting like a PITA, but stress does that to people. It's hard to be reasonable when you are under stress. I am not making excuses - just encouraging you to try to be compassionate. She probably is desperate for help but then had a hard time letting go of the responsibility. I was the "in town" child, and I understand that a little. She probably feels very protective. I know I felt like I wanted to call the hospital and tell my sister 14,000 things after I left. It helped that my sisters called a lot and asked how I was, whether it was too much for me, whether I needed them. Ofter I would say "no" but it really helped that they thanked me and appreciated the burden I was carrying.

 

Anyway, I know you are frustrated - it sounds like a tough situation.

Edited May 8, 2010 by Danestress

[LibraryLover]

Dh and I have been the main caregivers a few times for ill realtives...and not just older ones. Young, heathy people get sick as well.

 

It's not easy.

 

You can't just leave a person who recently had surgery to fend for themsleves. :confused: Even if you think it was that last piece of cheesecake that did them in.

 

I am going to give your SIL the benefit of the doubt because she is the one who has to deal with all of this. People who live far way can so easily think. "Oh, that's nothing. They are making such a big deal out of this! It's just a stint/whatever". My dad didn't have any surgery at all recently, yet he needs care daily. Some was of his own making, yet, he's my dad, so, yk, should I start digging his grave?

 

I don't think you understand what your SIL is dealing with, although I get you think she is a piece of work. Perhaps she is. Yet having been in her position as the main caregiver with relatives who think. 'It's no big deal', it does sound to me that she experiecing stress. If you aren't there, your don't know. There are books written about how one sibling has to deal with it all. If you don't think these folks need your care because 'they don't take care of themselves', send your SIL a check for nursing care. I'd bet she is wanting to have a different life.

 

Or. If you don't have any money to send to help, you might consider putting them on an ice flow and pushing them off into the sunset.

Edited May 9, 2010 by LibraryLover

[OrganicAnn]

While your SIL lives near by that makes her the obvious choice to help out with day to day things. But as she says she has to take off work! So since she is probably doing so much more for the in-laws every day. I think the fair thing would be that your DH should take off work as often as your SIL. Also I think it was a poor choice to load up all the kids and go. Why didn't just your DH go alone? He and SIL could probably have deal with everything better without an IL (you) and kids around. Of course I don't know all the ins and outs of the situation, that is just what little I gleaned from your post.

[FlockOfSillies]

I think the part you're missing is where OP said the problem is her SIL, not the parents so much. The SIL gets mad at them for not being there, and then when they do show up with the whole passel of kids after a 3-hr. drive, SIL is mad at them for being there and not doing things the way she wants. They're condemned either way. Sounds like there's no pleasing SIL. I know you're seeing things from your position as a caregiver, but I certainly hope you don't treat your family members the way SIL treats the OP.

[Guest ToGMom]

WOW -- I'm saddened -- :confused1:

 

These people are your husbands parents...they may not be "playing with a full deck" but they're still his parents.

 

Having been in your SIL's shoes, I know it's not easy day-in and day-out. (I cared for both my MIL and my step-FIL for a year...I went to every doctor's appointment, every therapy appointment, every pharmacy trip, every ER visit, etc. etc.)

 

This is physically and emotionally D.R.A.I.N.I.N.G. There is no other way to describe it...and I can't imagine how she has done this without your husband...knowing that he COULD help but WON'T...because it's a "hassle" for you...3 hours driving and all. (In my case, there was no one else because my husband is an only child. But, if there had been someone to call, you can bet we would have been on the phone.)

 

I'm not sure that you have looked at this from your SIL's perspective...that's all.

[i.love.lucy]

WOW -- I'm saddened -- :confused1:

 

These people are your husbands parents...they may not be "playing with a full deck" but they're still his parents.

 

Having been in your SIL's shoes, I know it's not easy day-in and day-out. (I cared for both my MIL and my step-FIL for a year...I went to every doctor's appointment, every therapy appointment, every pharmacy trip, every ER visit, etc. etc.)

 

This is physically and emotionally D.R.A.I.N.I.N.G. There is no other way to describe it...and I can't imagine how she has done this without your husband...knowing that he COULD help but WON'T...because it's a "hassle" for you...3 hours driving and all. (In my case, there was no one else because my husband is an only child. But, if there had been someone to call, you can bet we would have been on the phone.)

 

I'm not sure that you have looked at this from your SIL's perspective...that's all.

:iagree::iagree:

 

I have been in this exact situation. My husband is an only child. We had to move his parents here so that we could care for them. There is no one else. The day to day needs of the elderly really and truly can be more draining than a child. Mostly because you think they should be able to handle themselves, but they can't.

 

And it's not right to say that they should be parked in rehab for someone else to care for. Who's going to pay for that? Often health insurance sure won't. And Assisted Living facilities around here cost about $4000 a month. My in-laws are retired school teachers and don't make near that. Not an option.

 

In the case of my FIL (who just passed away last month after 2 years of draining illness) he had doctors appointments 3x a week for months - and I had to take him to ALL of them because my MIL couldn't do it. Plus I had to take care of their dog and all other appointments and errands. I shopped for them, and cleaned for them, had to make all their important phone calls, you name it. They become like 150lb infants almost. It's very, very sad, and very, very stressful.

 

I agree that your husband needs to step up. And have more compassion for the stressors that his sister is under. Until you have walked in her shoes on a daily basis, you have NO idea.

 

You wouldn't tell someone with a special needs child to quit whining and acting crazy and just stick the kid in rehab because it's an inconvenience?:confused:

[tex-mex]

WOW -- I'm saddened -- :confused1:

 

These people are your husbands parents...they may not be "playing with a full deck" but they're still his parents.

 

Having been in your SIL's shoes, I know it's not easy day-in and day-out. (I cared for both my MIL and my step-FIL for a year...I went to every doctor's appointment, every therapy appointment, every pharmacy trip, every ER visit, etc. etc.)

 

This is physically and emotionally D.R.A.I.N.I.N.G. There is no other way to describe it...and I can't imagine how she has done this without your husband...knowing that he COULD help but WON'T...because it's a "hassle" for you...3 hours driving and all. (In my case, there was no one else because my husband is an only child. But, if there had been someone to call, you can bet we would have been on the phone.)

 

I'm not sure that you have looked at this from your SIL's perspective...that's all.

 

:iagree: Our grandmother suffered from many health ailments and unfortunately her dd lived nearest her -- granny's ds (my hubby's father) lived 2,000 miles away. It was a nightmare for the dd (aunt) to be the caretaker, manage her own family's needs, and be at her mother's beck and call with health crisis. Her brother showed up once a year to give the sister a break for 2 weeks. It caused a HUGE rift with her relationship with her brother to this day -- granny died years ago -- but brother and sister are on bad terms.

 

I personally think the OP is being very selfish and not willing to be there for her in-laws. Knee replacement surgery is a BIG deal. If they cannot be there... pay for an LVN to be at the house to care for the in-laws and GIVE HER SIL A BREAK.

Edited May 8, 2010 by tex-mex

[LibraryLover]

Ime, the family who lives farthest away, may minimize the needs the most. Perhaps out of guilt, perhaps because they think the nearest sibling is dramatic. (It's no big dea! Why can't she just handle it already! She *aways* needs *something!* Doesn't she know we have our own lives!)

 

Tomes have been written about the sibling who is left to do everything while other siblings think she (it's almost always a she) is over-reacting. Surely the elderly parents are fine, or would be if they had miso soup or green smoothies each day. (Hint-- go spend some time-- make the smoothies! It would be greatly appreciated! See if you can change the health needs around!)

 

The one asking for help, however poorly, ends up being the drama princess. It's not fair. Statistically, this person also ends up being the executor of the will, and people go crazy if she gets an extra dime, or the Tercel.

 

I have not BTDT, as the primary caregiver, although I help care for my ailing father, and my dh was a primary caregiver for a time when his Dad was stricken with Parkinson's. My spry MIL had knee replacement surgery, and it was quite a few weeks of PT and healing. She could not get around without a walker and even needed help getting into the shower and dressing herself. She is one the most intelligent, independant women I know. She hated needing help. She did have to be in rehab for 5 days, however, and it was very depressing for her. She had no privacy, she had none of the stuff of her home around her. We got her out of there as soon as we could, yet it was still a couple of months before she was fuctioning at an independant level.

 

Until the complainers get in their cars or on a bus or plane and handle the care, they don't know squat.

Edited May 8, 2010 by LibraryLover

[tex-mex]

 

I agree that your husband needs to step up. And have more compassion for the stressors that his sister is under. Until you have walked in her shoes on a daily basis, you have NO idea.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Garga]

So, I convince my husband that we should make an appearance for this one. We pack the kids up and are up at his mother's house by 9 am and tell his sister to go to work - we will spend the day. Well, she just says she isn't going to work and has bouts of anger all morning towards us. She tells us we have no idea what is going on and have chosen not to be a part of anything that goes on up there and that we are not needed and might as well just go home! I try to convince mil to go to a rehab, which she refuses to do because that is where people go to die. I tell her it is really hard on sil and fil can not take care of her. Sil tells me if I continue to talk to mil this way she will ask me to leave!

 

Did you come into the house humbly and ask what you could do to help? Or did you come in and try to take over, making blunders the whole time, because you didn't know any better? Even if you asked, "how can we help?" did you still just go ahead and do things your way? Thinking, "I'll just go ahead and try to convince mil to go to rehab! Won't that be helpful!" without asking sil the back-story on rehab. (Aparently, trying to guilt and manipulate mil into going was NOT the thing to do and mil and sil both didn't appreciate it.)

 

Think of this scenario. A new father tries to do something with the baby. New-mom tells new-dad how to do something (example: make SURE you have the pacifier in the car, or ds will cry and fuss until he pukes.) And dad ignores her advice thinking he knows best. Baby gets in car w/o pacifier and cries until he pukes.

 

You ever been there? I have. And then new-dad gets all offended and says, "You SAY you want help, but when I try to help, all you do is complain and tear me down." But maybe if new-dad actually listened to what new-mom REALLY needed, and heeded her advice about the baby that she's been with 24/7, maybe new-dad wouldn't have ended up with a screaming, puking baby and now added to new-mom's workload.

 

Maybe I'm the only woman whose dh would do that. He would offer to help, but when I would tell him how to do things, he'd ignore me, do it his own way and then make a mess of things and have the baby screaming. I never understood why he always wanted to reinvent the wheel. I never gave him instructions to belittle him...but since I had already btdt, I knew how to tell him to care for the baby. He would get offended, say, "I'm not going to bother helping then!" Just like you're considering saying to sil.

 

It sounds like you came in without feeling out what would be truely helpful. My clues to this are how you say that SIL said things like, "You have no idea what is going on and have chosen not to be a part of anything that goes on up there and that we are not needed and might as well just go home!"

 

Your situation sounds just like a mom with a baby and people won't listen to her about how best to care for the baby and end up making things worse.

Edited May 8, 2010 by Garga

[Halftime Hope]

 

All this to say that my in-laws are just as crazy as we thought they were. It just reaffirmed my and dh decisions not to make a big deal of their somewhat minor health issues. Sil obviously wants to be a martyr and lives on drama and has some control issues. We just need to stay away from the chaos.

 

OK, so I don't have the whole picture, but I have to tell you that on the care issues I can sure symapthize with your SIL. It is *such* a heavy burden to carry, and although you think his admissions to the hospital/ER visits are just "somewhat minor health issues" you may have no clue what is really going on.

 

I can tell you that every time my FIL went to the emergency room, it ended up being 6-8 hours of ER time until he was settled in a room, and he needed someone competent to be there to speak/advocate for him. He couldn't do it for himself. There was no way he could i.d. the specific issues he was there for, give a history that was pertinent to what was going on at the time, warn the hospital staff of his drug interactions, etc. I xeroxed the 10 pages of completed admissions forms, because we were "frequent flyers", and took in an additional executive summary (3-4 pages) of documentation including a list of his meds, his conditions, his personal doctors, and the known danger zones.

 

Every time I STILL had to educate the ER personal, and several times they nearly killed him by giving him drugs for one thing that were very dangerous for another one of his conditions. ALL this stuff was in his electronic records at the hospital, and he was a coherent, good-natured, endearing guy, so it wasn't that he couldn't think logically, he just didn't know what to report and didn't understand what precisely the doctors needed to know.

 

The last six months of his life his primary care physician left standing orders for all the hospitalists in her group to call me every.single.day. and everytime that they intended to change his meds. I kid you not! (It was pretty amazing, she was willing to go to great lengths to make sure he was not harmed by her colleagues.) They would run it by me and I'd ask questions, and we'd get it right.

 

But that only happened after I threatened to sue the holy cr*p out of the whole lot of them after they put him Plavix, and he nearly bled to death. He had frequent GI bleeds due to Crohn's disease and lots of scar tissue in his GI tract. And then there was the time they put him on Ambien, when he had very low kidney function, so it gave him halucinations. And the time they sent him home on a continuing high dosage of steroids, with no instructions to taper it down, so it permanently blacked out a bunch of his vision dues to his severe glaucoma. I'm not sure I'm putting any of this in proper medical terms, but you get the picture: he needed someone to watch over him like a hawk. And none of it *seemed* like serious things, they all seemed minor, an admission to the hospital for a day or two until his lungs cleared with antibiotics and prednisone, and he'd seem like a new man. Ha!! It just *looked* minor.

 

You all should have had a contingency plan for how you would take care of your MIL (knowing she'd be incapacitated) if your FIL had a blow out. If he has anxiety attacks, it would be expected that having his wife incapacitated might trigger one. Yes, its arguable that your SIL should have been the one to anticipate that, but she may be overwhelmed and not thinking clearly, or she may be used to coping on her own, but is just now realizing that the needs have escalated beyond her ability to handle it all herself. It's not your fault, but you all need to step up to the plate and re-negotiate the care.

 

I'd have been really mad too, if you stepped in out of the blue and started telling MIL she needed to go to the rehab. If anything, that should have been something that your dh and your SIL approached MIL about *together* if it is needed, after the two of them (and you, under the right relational circumstances) came to one mind about it.

 

I know she was angry with you all, and you feel unjustly attacked, but now would be the perfect time to tell her how sorry you all are for all the work she has shouldered on her own, and ask her how you can best help her out. Let her tell you what she needs from you. And, you don't have to pack up the whole family and go. You can send dh by himself.

 

Be sure to ask her to bring you both up to speed on the medical details, because if something should keep her from helping, you need to be able to step in and be competent at advocating for FIL. She may not want or need you to come help with the medical stuff, but you should be in the know, in case you have to fill in for her.

 

That's my dimes worth, and I hope I've helped you see it from a different POV without being too harsh. Truly, I hope it's been more light than heat! :)

Edited May 8, 2010 by Valerie(TX)

[LibraryLover]

It took my father 12 hours to get from the ER into a room! And he has excellent insurance! It's a freaking zoo in there, but he could not be left. Further, he had not been given a single bite to eat in 12 hours! I had to go to the nurses station to tell them. Even then they said "Oh yes, we will get him some food!" I went home to my own family, and one of my siblngs stayed behind to make sure he was fed. (He was on a specail diet). An hour later, there was still no food! My sister (more forecful than I) was *livid*. She demanded food and it still took them 30 more minutes. I won't even get into other pressing needs. Someone besides the patient needs to know exactly waht is going on, and it's not the simple thing most people think it is, and not even in the 'best' of hospitals. Unless you are there, experiencing so much of the chaos, you might not have sympathy.

 

 

OK, so I don't have the whole picture, but I have to tell you that on the care issues I can sure symapthize with your SIL. It is *such* a heavy burden to carry, and although you think his admissions to the hospital/ER visits are just "somewhat minor health issues" you may have no clue what is really going on.

 

I can tell you that every time my FIL went to the emergency room, it ended up being 6-8 hours of ER time until he was settled in a room, and he needed someone competent to be there to speak/advocate for him. He couldn't do it for himself. There was no way he could i.d. the specific issues he was there for, give a history that was pertinent to what was going on at the time, warn the hospital staff of his drug interactions, etc. I xeroxed the 10 pages of completed admissions forms, because we were "frequent flyers", and took in an additional executive summary (3-4 pages) of documentation including a list of his meds, his conditions, his personal doctors, and the known danger zones.

 

 

 

 

But that only happened after I threatened to sue the holy cr*p out of the whole lot of them after they put him Plavix, and he nearly bled to death. He had frequent GI bleeds due to Crohn's disease and lots of scar tissue in his GI tract. And then there was the time they put him on Ambien, when he had very low kidney function, so it gave him halucinations. And the time they sent him home on a continuing high dosage of steroids, with no instructions to taper it down, so it permanently blacked out a bunch of his vision dues to his severe glaucoma. I'm not sure I'm putting any of this in proper medical terms, but you get the picture: he needed someone to watch over him like a hawk. And none of it *seemed* like serious things, they all seemed minor, an admission to the hospital for a day or two until his lungs cleared with antibiotics and prednisone, and he'd seem like a new man. Ha!! It just *looked* minor.

 

You all should have had a contingency plan for how you would take care of your MIL (knowing she'd be incapacitated) if your FIL had a blow out. If he has anxiety attacks, it would be expected that having his wife incapacitated might trigger one. Yes, its arguable that your SIL should have been the one to anticipate that, but she may be overwhelmed and not thinking clearly, or she may be used to coping on her own, but is just now realizing that the needs have excalated beyond her ability to handle it all herself. It's not your fault, but you all need to step up to the plate

 

 

I know she was angry with you all, and you feel unjustly attacked, but now would be the perfect time to tell her how sorry you all are for all the work she has shouldered on her own, and ask her how you can best help her out. Let her tell you what she needs from you. And, you don't have to pack up the whole family and go. You can send dh by himself.

 

Be sure to ask her to bring you both up to speed on the medical details, because if something should keep her from helping, you need to be able to step in and be competent at advocating for FIL. She may not want or need you to come help with the medical stuff, but you should be in the know, in case you have to fill in for her.

 

That's my dimes worth, and I hope I've helped you see it from a different POV without being too harsh. Truly, I hope it's been more light than heat! :)

Edited May 8, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Halftime Hope]

 

I have been in this exact situation. It's very, very sad, and very, very stressful.

 

 

Amy, bless your heart! As one who's btdt, thank you for what you did/are doing for them.

 

My husband made it a point to stop his VP's wife one evening at a work banquet, b/c he knew that she was taking care of her dh's dad. He told her how much it meant to have someone care for his dad, and he thanked her for what she was doing. She got tears in her eyes (the VP is a jerk); I know that it did her soul good to have someone recognize how much she

was giving.

 

Amy, God bless you and give you strength.

[RoughCollie]

I am just flabbergasted by this.

 

You consider that your FIL having a stent put in is routine. It isn't -- having had several, plus double coronary artery bypass surgery, I know this for a fact. Heart conditions are not relatively minor. People die from them all the time. It is scary, every day, to live with a heart condition.

 

The MIL is just home from the hospital after knee replacement surgery. The FIL has a heart condition and is at the hospital.

 

Your SIL needs help. So you bring 3 young children to your MIL's house? How is that helpful? One parent and the kids should have stayed home.

 

Your SIL has to take off work to care for her parents, yet their medical problems are not serious enough that your DH will take off work to help out? This, despite the fact that MIL and FIL are his parents too?

 

You try to convince your MIL to go to a rehab center because she is too big of a burden on SIL and FIL cannot help out. Really, that just saves you and your DH from having to deal with the fallout from not helping take care of his parents.

 

You complain about a 3-hour roundtrip drive, like they live far away. I know tons of people who make commutes like this to work every day. Boo hoo.

 

It sounds to me like your DH is dropping the ball. He has duties and responsibilities towards his parents.

 

If you are going to post something which dismisses and minimizes your in-law's health problems, and attacks your SIL who is taking time off work and caring for her parents, then at least add the real reason that you and your DH are handling this in a completely selfish manner.

 

I did not see one thing in your post that made me understand how you and your DH can act this way. If there is a good reason for it, by all means, next time you want sympathy cough it up.

Edited May 8, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Jean in Newcastle]

Did you call ahead and tell her that you were going to come, so that she didn't have to take off of work? Just showing up and telling her to go to work now because the cavalry was there would not have gone well with me, either. Esp. when she knows that you did it grudging.

 

My dad's knee surgery was not a small thing. The amount of time and help he needed in recovery was significant.

[kalanamak]

I dunno....I guess that I am the type of person who would be there for my mom and dad for whatever they need.

 

In my family, once someone is cared for, the rest of us to do NOT flurry up the place with emergency visits. If SIL is tired of doing it all, she should have darn well gone to work. If she insists on being there, too, I would stay home. Sick people don't need a crowd. Caregivers don't need to feed or deal with extras. I am lucky and have a good rapport with the "caregiving" members of my family (we know not all sibs are cut out for this), and we just call each other and figure out what each of us needs to do.

 

:grouphug:

 

SIL reminds me of that line "Go Away and Stop Leaving Me Alone".

[i.love.lucy]

Amy, bless your heart! As one who's btdt, thank you for what you did/are doing for them.

 

My husband made it a point to stop his VP's wife one evening at a work banquet, b/c he knew that she was taking care of her dh's dad. He told her how much it meant to have someone care for his dad, and he thanked her for what she was doing. She got tears in her eyes (the VP is a jerk); I know that it did her soul good to have someone recognize how much she

was giving.

 

Amy, God bless you and give you strength.

Thanks Valerie! :grouphug:

 

I think this topic has many of us a little hot under the collar. I really think it's like a lot of situations in life where you just have no idea what it's like until you have to do it. Imagine trying to lift your 260lb father in law off the bathroom floor when he is not coherent and incapable of helping himself at all (not to mention his unmentionables!)

 

I just feel for that op's SIL because I know that the stress makes me as mean as a bear to everyone else sometimes. Like "why can't you see how hard this is!!!":mad: and "why do I have to ask for your help, JUST DO IT!!":cursing: She probably has her own family to care for. And she has a job she doesn't want to lose because she is called away so often. It's just so hard for everyone involved.

[Danestress]

If my Mom were just home from the hospital from knee surgery and her husband was having heart problems again, I would not leave a SIL at home with them alone if I had the slightest inkling that she was going to start trying to convince my mother into going into a rehab center. I may have been the one who asked her to come, but I definitely would be hesitant to leave them in her care.

 

I have nothing against rehab. My father had to be in one twice. But ideally you make those care decisions carefully and after much research and in loving consultation with the patient. I would think that the daughter who is there all the time caregiving would be the one to have that conversation with Mom if indeed she thought that rehab was the right choice. Someone else coming in and trying to convince the patient would worry me. Yeah, maybe it's a control thing on the SIL's part. But when you have the responsibility and stress of caring for parents, control can become a coping mechanism.

[Stacie]

I'm trying to put myself in the position of different people here. As a MIL (which I'm not yet) I can't imagine my DIL having to convince my son to make an appearance to help me out after I'm left alone following knee replacement surgery. Then as icing on the cake my DIL, who clearly doesn't want to be there in the first place, sets in on me to go to a rehab facility. Honestly if I had any respect for my son and DIL after they failed to help out after any surgeries or health issues prior to all of this, it was zapped away in an instant.

 

As the SIL in this scene, I can't imagine being shooed off to work by my brother and SIL. She has been the main caretaker for years and knows what is necessary in this situation. She can't handle being in two places at once and asks for help. This plea is met with your appearance and thoughts of bringing your MIL to a rehab facility, then returning home. I'd not leave you alone with them to return to work either, honestly.

 

I'm sad you have no more compassion for your dh's parents, for without them you'd not have him. I hope my sons and their families show me more honor and compassion. I'm working to raise them as such right now by teaching them empathy.

[FlockOfSillies]

This is excellent advice.

[kalanamak]

If my Mom were just home from the hospital from knee surgery and her husband was having heart problems again, I would not leave a SIL at home with them alone if I had the slightest inkling that she was going to start trying to convince my mother into going into a rehab center. .

 

It sounded like it was a suggestion after the chaos of the situation became clear. If SIL had gone to work and acted like she was doing okay, I think the suggestion wouldn't have been made. It seems clear to me there is a huge history leading up to this post that we are not privy to.

 

 

I had a BF whose family never (in his words and my experience) had a gathering of three of more of them where there wasn't raised voices and recriminations. And insults. The only thing worse was the kissing and making up on the phone the next day. I swear they sounded like a pack of drunks, only they were sober. BF did the minimum with them.

[lulubelle]

I can understand many of your responses. The whole thing has me pretty upset. One reason I posted is to see others perspective on it and not feel like I am in the twilight zone. I feel like being the dil I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have not worn the shoe of primary care taker and therefore I can only respond to my circumstances. The relationship between dh and sil has been horrible since I entered into the family about 14 years ago. They bring out the ugliest parts of each other and it has always been extremely unpleasant to be around. I've tried to guide my husband to a better path with her, but after several years of witnessing it I just hope to avoid their meeting. They would need some serious psychological intervention. Sil did live far away for several years, divorced, and moved back to get emotional and financial stability with her parents about 5 or 6 years ago. She has no children and is very dedicated to her work. She just recently re-married and moved 15 minutes from her parents. She is extremely close to her mother and they shop and prepare meals together almost every weekend. It is somewhat difficult for my husband to witness due to childhood issues - that his sister is the "golden child". He and his sister have been at war over who can get their parents love and attention the most since they were kids. It sounds silly, but it is true. So, there is a great deal of childhood baggage here. Ideally, it would be great if dh and sil could communicate in a healthy way and she could keep us in the loop of their parents and her concerns, but I don't think either of them are capable of it. Honestly, I thought I was being reasonable by seeing if a rehab could be an option considering the circumstances. I have been a very silent wife in this family for 10 years and have made a choice to just not get involved in the past and the one time I open my mouth I get threatened. In the past, I have threatened my husband that I never want to go to his parents again due to the craziness and that had nothing to do with care of his parents. I don't think his sister has ever asked me a single question about myself since I've known her. She has always treated me as if I don't exist. It's all very unpleasant. There really is not much I can do.

[RoughCollie]

Lauren, I don't think this is your problem to solve. You cannot be a caretaker of your in-laws. You have three small children to care for, and that takes you out of the loop. Your main participation would likely have to be that you stay home and take care of your children whenever your DH is needed to help out with his parents.

 

Despite his family's dynamics, your DH may need to step up to the plate with either time or money to hire help.

 

It seems to me that the easiest way to do this would be for his sister and him to meet with a social worker at the hospital. Care needs must be determined in detail. Then he and his sister can discuss with the social worker how each of those needs will be met. That way a disinterested, trained person will there to moderate.

Edited May 8, 2010 by RoughCollie

[LibraryLover]

Excellent advice. They need a third party.

 

When my FIL was dying, my children were young. I was the primary parent at home (sometimes he had to rush out at 2am), and he was the one who went to his father the majority of the time.

 

 

 

Lauren, I don't think this is your problem to solve. You cannot be a caretaker of your in-laws. You have three small children to care for, and that takes you out of the loop. Your main participation would likely have to be that you stay home and take care of your children whenever your DH is needed to help out with his parents.

 

Despite his family's dynamics, your DH may need to step up to the plate with either time or money to hire help.

 

It seems to me that the easiest way to do this would be for his sister and him to meet with a social worker at the hospital. Care needs must be determined in detail. Then he and his sister can discuss with the social worker how each of those needs will be met. That way a disinterested, trained person will there to moderate.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Lauren, I don't think this is your problem to solve. You cannot be a caretaker of your in-laws. You have three small children to care for, and that takes you out of the loop. Your main participation would likely have to be that you stay home and take care of your children whenever your DH is needed to help out with his parents.

 

Despite his family's dynamics, your DH may need to step up to the plate with either time or money to hire help.

 

It seems to me that the easiest way to do this would be for his sister and him to meet with a social worker at the hospital. Care needs must be determined in detail. Then he and his sister can discuss with the social worker how each of those needs will be met. That way a disinterested, trained person will there to moderate.

 

Very wise advice.

[lulubelle]

That is great advice. I will plant that seed. Thank you!