Question about marriage and finances

[runamuk]

We have friends who kept separate accounts. They were sure to keep track of who bought what and referred to things as "my house", "my couch", "my television", etc. They split up a few years ago. At least there was no bickering over possessions.

 

My husband likes to say he makes the money, but I spend it. :)

 

We have a joint account and I pay all of the bills and do the budgeting. We both get an allowance to spend as we wish. Big purchases are discussed. I let him know when I buying clothes for the kids, paying for lessons or buying curriculum. He lets me know when he's going to lunch, getting gas or an oil change or buying uniform stuff. It works for us.

[angela in ohio]

Isn't money one of the biggest causes of divorce, fighting in a marriage, etc.? Given that, I don't think it would be a bad move to keep things separate. Dh and I get along very well and don't ever fuss over money, so keeping everything together works for us. If here was marital tension over money, I'd think splitting things up would be a good move.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

My first thought was "I wonder where he is keeping his other wife and kids....?"

 

Seriously I would be surprised if he doesn't have some kind of double life. What other reason would there be for such extreme secrecy in finances and unloving treatment of his wife? Did someone forget to mention to him that marriage is a partnership and that you are suppose to care for each other? He sounds abusive imo., using the money to control her and all - ick.

 

 

I TOTALLY agree! I could NEVER live how they do! Her daughter was my best friend growing up. It seemed they had the perfect marriage-- I guess (maybe for them they do) but yikes!!! Not for me!

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Why does he get to know how much she makes?

 

 

I would guess its all about control. I dont know

[JoyfulMama]

On the flip side, I worked with a woman once who would take her paychecks directly to the bank, pocket some, then take it home to her husband to be divided up among bills, spending, etc, from which she got more spending money. She had no intention of him knowing how much she REALLY made.

Oh, btw, they divorced a few years ago.

 

We have joint accounts, and I have my own accounts. It's easier that way for us, as dh doesn't have to see the little expenses for things (and the pp transfers), and the main accounts can be for regular bills.

 

About this speak of allowances for adults. It is always spoken of in a negative light. However, both dh and I basically get an allowance from our budget every week. Not to say there isn't reason to get additional money here and there, but whereas we pay our bills together every week (he on paper and me on the computer - hey, it works for us) it allows us to be on the same page, and to hold ourselves accountable for our (mindful) spending.

[dirty ethel rackham]

 

About this speak of allowances for adults. It is always spoken of in a negative light. However, both dh and I basically get an allowance from our budget every week. Not to say there isn't reason to get additional money here and there, but whereas we pay our bills together every week (he on paper and me on the computer - hey, it works for us) it allows us to be on the same page, and to hold ourselves accountable for our (mindful) spending.

I think your situation is completely different than that expressed by the OP. Your "allowance" is a mutually agreed upon decision. Theirs does not appear to be (at least not in the budgeting decisions.)

[Tap]

I TOTALLY agree! I could NEVER live how they do! Her daughter was my best friend growing up. It seemed they had the perfect marriage-- I guess (maybe for them they do) but yikes!!! Not for me!

 

I guess it is hard to see someone do something that seems so foreign to you, maybe even punitive. But there could also be a reason he has to manage the money this way.

 

I always thought my sister was uber responsible. She drives an expensive car, has a very expensive home, paid for her kids college, is always giving money to her children, and seems to travel a lot. She seemed to have a thriving bridal business and also worked as an office manager for various companies. Due to my impression of her, I loaned her a large sum of money. I now see her true colors. She rarely pays me her payment on time, always have some excuse for why it was late (she forgets which lie she told, and has used the same excuse 4 times.) She juggles money around, and makes it look like she has much more money than she really does. Her last payment was due March 5....I still haven't received it yet.

 

I only say this because, I can see that her husband may have to pay all of the bills and put her on a budget. If she tries to play the same games with her creditors as she has with me, I imagine there are some major household finance issues.

 

What we think of a person and their situation, may in fact be very, very different from who they truly are.

[StartingOver]

I will keep my lips zipped, expect for this... D...I...V...O...R...C...E.

[DawnM]

When we were in pre-marital counseling, this was one area the pastor stressed.....NO SECRET MONEY!

 

DH and I have never had money somewhere we didn't tell the other about and now that we have been involved in Crown Financial for several years, we are pretty much on the same page about all of our finances.....the only thing we really disagree on is vacation money. He wouldn't even take vacations anywhere if it weren't for me. Sigh.

 

Dawn

[Ravin]

DH and I keep our money separate, and have separate accounts. We tried a joint account early in our marriage and it didn't work too well. Currently what works for us is for me to pay most of the bills, and DH gives me a set amount every month. DW#2 also gives me a fixed amount each month, as does BIL (who lives with us). DH (and to a lesser degree, DW#2) will also pay for some things through the month, such as gas for the car (though I have it budgeted--I just save the difference for repairs), some of the groceries, etc. He has child support to pay for his DD1, some legal expenses, his cell phone, and school. He also keeps a little money aside for himself, pays for a gym membership (a cheap one), a few magazine subscriptions, and Blockbuster.

 

I like having control of most of the finances; I'm a lot less stressed when I know for sure that x or y bill has been paid because I paid it or have it budgeted. Since I'm the main breadwinner, it's the arrangement that makes the most sense. When I was a full time student and DH was the breadwinner, I tended to be stressed because I didn't like the way he managed the household expenses. What can I say? I'm a a bit of a control freak--but I don't feel the need to control everything.

 

As far as transparency, DH will hand me financial info if I need it, and we have each other's pin numbers. That is not the case for DW#2, though mostly because I don't memorize numbers quickly, she's given me her card and pin to use for things before. Also, as she is not in the legal marriage, greater financial independence is important for her to have for her own security. Some things I don't want to know, like how his baseball gambling is going; he starts with a fixed amount of seed money, and at the end of the season he spends any profits on paying down our debts; I like to hear about that at the end, but that's all.

[Mom-ninja.]

The first thing I thought of was that he's seeing someone in Mexico.

 

Does hse have a job? How does she make car payments to him?

[Kari C in SC]

Well, I suppose to each thier own, but that's not how it works here. Dh and I had a joint checking account even before we were married. Money is a family thing, not an individual thing at our house. That said, since I do the budgeting and such, I'm not sure dh knows how much money we earn every month, either, lol, but I also don't think he cares unless it's not enough.

 

This would describe us. We have always had "our money" even before I became a SAHM. DH has an idea of how much he makes and an idea of what our bills are, but he couldn't give you a specific number. He recently took a job with the state that was a pay cut for him. He knows that he needs to do some side work each month to help out with that pay cut, but he really doesn't care for specifics. He just does the work as he gets calls for it and then hands it to me and tells me that is is "family money".

[Peela]

I think we have been through many generations of women being repressed and financially disadvantaged in marriage , and quite simply, its up to women themselves, if they are in a situation that does not honour and respect them on every level, to do something about it. There is no one respectful way to share finances in marriage, but it has to protect and support both partners- but it especially needs to protect a woman who is bearing chldren and is limited in her capacity to work. If it doesnt....well, it doesnt help to blame the man. Get active, get angry, do what it takes to be treated with respect. We teach people how to treat us by how we respond to their treatment of us. Yes, its messy and insecure to stand up to a dh who wants total control and doesnt treat his woman with respect, but that what courage is for. Ask me how I know!

 

Dh and I have separate finances...I have a smaller income that covers my personal things plus most of the kids' stuff- classes, clothes, homescholing curricula etc. I have plenty to save as well, whch I do-Ihave a small savings account. I have saved to go overseas on my income, as well a to visit my family.

 

Dh's money pays the big things- the bills, and food- plus he saves a lot and buys the large capital items like cars and holidays. I do the actual paying of the bills though, so I am very much in tune with our day to day money situation- and he also tells me what is going on.

 

It works well for us because we are both accountable to saving/spending our separate income streams. He also gives me a small allowance each week.

 

Our inestment properties are in both our names. Our rental property that we live in is in both our names

But...it wasn't always like this. We have come a long way over 18 years.

[katemary63]

Oh my. I just find it so....odd, I guess, to have seperate money and in the case of the OP, I agree, it borders on abusive. This is not a criticism of those who choose to have seperate money, but....like I said, it would be very foreign to the way my DH and I relate to one another.

 

For us, I don't have money, he doesn't have money. The "us" has money. I have not worked more then two years in our 25 1/2 years of marriage. But I have always considered every penny HE earned to be equally mine and so has he. I stay home and take care of our kids, make dinner, clean our house, run the errands etc. I stay home and work so he can go out and work. It's like if we were pioneers on the prairie and I stayed at the cabin and made soap and he was out hunting. Would the soap me MINE and the deer meat be HIS? Of course not! How silly. So, we share everything. Not one penny we have or even one thing we own is exclusively mine or his. I don't really even comprehend that. (Okay, I'll admit, the bras are all mine! But we do share socks and t-shirts! :D)

 

Anyway, the point is, if the "two become one" then they are one. If you choose to be seperate, you are seperate. I guess to each his own. But I would never be in a marriage relationship that wasn't a true Union in every way. (And if I found myself in such, I would do everything in my power to change it.)

[Tap]

For us, I don't have money, he doesn't have money

......... So, we share everything. Not one penny we have or even one thing we own is exclusively mine or his.

Anyway, the point is, if the "two become one"

 

..........then they are one. If you choose to be separate, you are separate. I guess to each his own. But I would never be in a marriage relationship that wasn't a true Union in every way. (And if I found myself in such, I would do everything in my power to change it.)

 

For dh and I, we don't think that a person stops being an individual when we get married. We still have our own identity, our own income, our own desires.... We take each other into account every.single.time.we make a decision, but that doesn't mean I have to discuss every thought, purchase, or whim with him. It would drive me nuts to have him feel like I needed that much detail of his day. Dh and I, don't like to micromanage each other. I don't need to know if he spent $4.25 on lunch or $14.25. He is totally capable of making that decision, and I really don't care to know. The same is true for him, he could care less if I bought a quart of soup, so I could eat it for 3 days, instead of buying 3 cups of soup, on 3 different days. Last weekend he decided to go buy 2 new kayaks. He mentioned it to me, I made a few comments about my personal financial situation for the next two months (I may need him to pay a few of my expenses as I am off work due to a back injury). I said 'go for it' and since it was money he already saved, he went and made the purchase. While our spending money is separate, we still chat about bigger purchases, but ultimately it is up to the respective person to decide how they are going to spend their spending money.

 

 

Same for household expenses. I don't care if he pays the cable bill one month at a time or a year at once, as long as it is getting paid. He doesn't need to tell me. It is in the online register if I want to know, or I just ask him. I know He doesn't want to know that the pretty little flowers in the yard cost $100 each spring. :lol:

 

It isn't that we don't value the union, or that we aren't eternally bound together; we just don't feel like we have to talk about every step, each person takes, in a day to feel like we have a significant bond. Dh and I talk a lot but it is more about the people and situations at work or the world around us. About the kids, their hopes, and dreams, or dd's therapy. About our plans for the weekend and if we are going to spend it working on projects together, or if we have independent goals (I may be hitting the home school store and he is getting a hair cut-neither of which, the other cares go to.)

 

SO, please don't think that just because we have parts of our lives that are separate, that it means our marriage has gaping cracks in it. If anything it is just the opposite, we have more time to talk about other details, the ones we want to discuss, because the parts of our day that are indeed separate, that we feel are trivial to the other person, we don't bother with.

[nd293]

My (ex) step-father was like that. Now, fair enough, we were not his responsiblity, but I could never understand how he could be married to someone and allow them to be in a worse financial position than him.

 

When dh and I moved in together, I told him straight out I wouldn't live like that. As he already had a home, he continued to pay for everything, and I put the amount it had cost me to live separately in a joint savings account. When we got married we had enough for an overseas honeymoon, so it was a smart move.

 

Now he earns, but I manage the finances, and tell him how much he has to spend on himself each week... It's tough going, but we are slowly getting ahead financially (emigrating set us back) and it wouldn't be happening without careful management. We each do our bit, I guess. We're in it together. That's what a marriage is isn't it?

[katemary63]

We still have our own identity, our own income, our own desires.... .

 

Okay, I get "our own identity", I get "our own desires" (although no desire I ever had would ever trump what's best for the "US".) I don't get, "our own income." What's that have to do with anything? I'm not saying it's not good for you. I just don't get it and wouldn't choose that for me.

 

but that doesn't mean I have to discuss every thought, purchase, or whim with him. It would drive me nuts to have him feel like I needed that much detail of his day. Dh and I, don't like to micromanage each other.

 

Yeah, no. We don't "micromanage" or know what each other is doing with every cent. I don't think I ever said that. I don't even know what our bills are right now or how much he pays to whom and when because my life is just so busy with homeschool and our farm that I have chosen not to pay attention to that. ( There have been seasons in our marriage where I paid the bills and he was too busy to pay attention. It has nothing to do with who makes the money.) I don't ask permission or make a report when ever I spend a bit of money and neither does he.

 

He mentioned it to me, I made a few comments about my personal financial situation for the next two months (I may need him to pay a few of my expenses as I am off work due to a back injury). I said 'go for it' and since it was money he already saved, he went and made the purchase. While our spending money is separate, we still chat about bigger purchases, but ultimately it is up to the respective person to decide how they are going to spend their spending money.

 

The bolded lines are where we part. I could just never think like this. I can't fathom how "MY personal finances" would be something different then HIS finances. I can't fathom that my DH and I would discuss a purchase (large purchase) but then not come to an agreement about it. Neither of us would ever do it. If we don't agree, we don't do it. That goes for everything (big things, not ordinary daily things), not just spending money.

 

 

It isn't that we don't value the union, or that we aren't eternally bound together

SO, please don't think that just because we have parts of our lives that are separate, that it means our marriage has gaping cracks in it. ;

 

I don't doubt that you value your marriage or that you are eternally bound. I think I was trying to make the point that I would never personally choose this type of relationship. And still, I just wouldn't. Here's the way it is for us. The "US" is the priority. We are both much more an US then we are individuals. The US is more important then ANYTHING either individual would want or desire. Sure, we have our individuality. We encourage eachother to express that. ( I ride horses, he doesn't, he watches football, I don't) BUT, the US is who we are down to the core. It is everything and what's best for the US trumps all. I just don't think keeping money seperate would be good for this kind of relationship or even compatible with it. I'm just describing how MY marriage is and pointing out that I would not choose any different. I'm sure you have a wonderful relationship that satisfies you. :001_smile: