Teaching a teen to drive

[Only me]

My daughter isn't in a hurry to get her license. She took driver's ed the summer after she turned 16. I really didn't like the driving school and felt that the teacher did a poor job. She really expected the kids to know how to drive before they even started the class, which doesn't really make sense since they couldn't get their permit until the 2nd class. I know that a lot of kids drive on farms or illegally with their parents but my dd didn't do either. It really wasn't a good experience for her. She didn't learn a lot.

 

I haven't had a lot of cooperation with my husband. I think that it is a good idea that my husband and I both take turns bringing my daughter out driving for practice. That's a whole other story but he feels that since he works outside of the home that it is my responsibility to take care of the kids. He basically says that he doesn't have time to take her driving. Don't get me wrong-he is a good dad and coaches my son's little league team, etc. but seems to choose what he has time for. Anyway, he has probably gone driving 3-4 times in the past year and a half with my daughter. I really want him to go over a few things with her before she takes the test such as parking and backing around corners since I'm not the best at these things. It has been like pulling teeth getting him to do this.

 

I used to have her drive home from school a lot but kind of let it go since she never really wanted to drive. She kept on insisting that it's like riding a bike and that you don't really forget how to drive. Anyway, she will be 18 in July and I really want her to get her license soon so that she'll have the whole summer to drive before she goes off to college.

 

I really thought that she was ready to get her license until today. I had her drive home from school. Driving out of the parking lot she didn't stop before turning. Fortunately no one was coming but that was strike #1. Then she was making a right turn. After the car in front of us went she felt that she had plenty of time to turn but didn't stop and just proceeded to turn. She actually cut off the car. I tried to tell her before she turned but it was too late and then since I spoke up she slowed the car down (not intentionally but just in response to me saying "watch out".) Of course this meant that the car almost hit us. Luckily he didn't but it was pretty close and of course the other driver honked his horn. We had to stop at a store on the way home. When she was driving through the parking lot she had to stop at a stop sign. She stopped but then started to go even though a few people were about to cross the street. I agree that they hesitated and didn't actually start to cross the street but she shouldn't have gone until she was 100% sure.

 

I was really shocked and disappointed to see her make all of these mistakes. She says that anyone can make mistakes and that I was too hard on her but I tried to tell her how serious it was. I feel bad because we got into a big fight once we got home. She feels that I never should have yelled at her and is mad because I didn't just correct her and then let it go. I think it requires more than just an "ok mom. I'll be more careful next time." I don't really think she realizes how close it was. Maybe I've gone a bit overboard but we have had so many teens killed in our area over the past few years so that haunts me.

 

So part of me feels that it would be better to just let my husband take over all practice with her but this would take months since he doesn't do it very often. On the other hand, I could could continue to practice more often with her like we did when she first got her permit. I just hate how it is putting a strain on our relationship. Any suggestions?

[outtamyshell]

If I had another teenager who had to learn to drive, I would pay someone else to do it. It was very difficult on me, dd, and our relationship. That might have something to do with me screaming, 'We're all gonna freakin' die today!" as she was merging onto the freeway. Really. I was terrified. Way too many near-death experiences.

[AK_Mom4]

I would either continue to practice more with her myself or find a different drivers ed school and send her back through. Actually, that might be the best for everyone as now she has some driving experience and can really benefit from the course. I know it's not cheap, but at least no one would be arguing about who is going to take her out driving.

 

I don't teach them to drive at my house. DH has to do that. But, once they are driving, I am the one in the passenger seat while they log all the hours they need to be competent drivers. And it takes alot of hours - my DD16 just got told she couldn't get her license for another month because she was driving over the speed limit (I hate that!).

[Pippen]

My teen was still making mistakes when he turned 16 (and honestly, sometimes so do I). We decided to let him take the test with the agreement that he'd be restricted to driving alone only to familiar nearby places (church, school, store are all within a mile or so of home). Plus he still would need to practice drive with us. We feel comfortable with his arrangement.

 

If you're in Illinois you should know that the number of supervised practice hours went up to 100 hours last year so if her permit expires before she turns 18 I'm pretty sure she'd have to log the extra hours.

[Only me]

Where did you see that about the 100 required hours? I went on the state website and it still says 50. I also wanted to add that of course I make mistakes too-everyone does. I'm just concerned because of the amount of mistakes she made in one day and the fact that after she cut off the car she slowed down too. It's not that I'm in a hurry for her to get her license but I don't want her to get it a few months before college either.

[lllll]

I have a dd who is still making mistakes like that at 21yo. Plus, she's prone to falling asleep at the wheel.

 

I teach all our dc to drive. These help us to avoid near-misses:

 

http://www.vat19.com/dvds/studentdriver.cfm

 

We've avoided quite a few accidents because of these. I put one on each side of the car and one on the rear end.

 

When she makes an error, I just point it out (or grab the wheel). Yelling seems to distract her (and our other dc).

 

She really sound like she needs a good bit more practice though. I guess when they're young like your dd and mine, and have never been in a wreck, they really don't have a sense of just how serious it is when 2 cars collide.

 

Good luck.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I would get professional driving lessons for her if you can.

[Laurie4b]

Simply because I'm the one home, I end up doing most of the driver instruction. I do yell sometimes--seeing the near accident approaching makes it hard not to. It does rattle my young drivers, so I try not to and then apologize when I do.

 

However, if your dd isn't driving every single time she could (with you in the passenger seat) whether she passes the test or not, she won't have the experience to drive safely. So whether she or you like it or not, you're going to have to let her practice more. She's plain wrong about the comparison with riding a bike--she may have the motor memory of how to steer, etc, but she needs a vast store of experiences to help her not make the kinds of mistakes she made today. That is why teens have more accidents--not just speed, but lack of experience anticipating what other drivers are going to do, etc.

 

The other rule I have is any arguing with the driving instructor (me) and it's no driving for a while. (Mine want to drive, so that is an effective consequence.) So for you, you'll need to find a cut-and-dried consequence for any arguing. (I don't consider telling me not to yell arguing. I do consider it arguing when I say, "Slow down" and they tell me why they don't need to.) It's just too dangerous for a teenaged student driver to not immediately do what you've said.

[Pippen]

Where did you see that about the 100 required hours? I went on the state website and it still says 50. I also wanted to add that of course I make mistakes too-everyone does. I'm just concerned because of the amount of mistakes she made in one day and the fact that after she cut off the car she slowed down too. It's not that I'm in a hurry for her to get her license but I don't want her to get it a few months before college either.

 

When my son took driver's ed last year the teachers were telling students it was coming, and the counselors were trying to get as many eligible kids scheduled before the change. Sorry for the wrong info--it must not have come to pass. 100 hours seems like a lot, especially since it had only increased from 25 a few years ago.

[gingersmom]

I was able to get my license at 16 but like your daughter had no interest. At 17 my parents forced me to so they did not have to drive me around.

 

I took one lesson from a driving school which was a waste of time. My mother would pick me up from school most days and make me drive.

 

I hated driving. I was an awful driver. I was young, immature and backed into parked cars, a light post and many other parked objects.

 

I hope my children do not learn to drive till they are in junior/senior year of college. I will gladly drive them around.

 

In my personal experience, a desire to drive and maturity go a long way.

[TravelingChris]

I wouldn't rush it if she isn't interested. My oldest got his at 18 becasue he was living in Europe when he turned 16 and couldn;t get it there. My next got her permit at fifteen, practiced all year except for 6 weeks after surgery, and got her dl a few days after her birthday. She has driven in a 5 million metropolitan area, she has driven on high speed highways (75), she has driven in snow, she has driven in mountains, etc, etc. But she had lots of practice and was very interested in learning. There was no way I would have an uninterested kid get a license. I didn't teach the first since he was infuriating to me. My second was interested in hearing how to do things and we didn't have fights. I think number three will be with dh again since she is argumentative.

[Rosie_0801]

I wouldn't push it. A readiness to learn to drive is just the same as a readiness to learn to read. Pushing only makes it worse. I took a few lessons with my dad before he and Mum split up. It was in Mum's new (to us ;) ) car the first time I'd driven it and wasn't used to the steering wheel, it felt like it was turned all the way, but it hadn't actually turned at all. I ended up on the kerb, Dad yelled and me, I burst into tears, yelled back and walked home swearing never to drive with him again. A very good decision, as it happens! Not long after, my parents spilt and Mum said I could only drive her car if I paid for the extra insurance. Yeah, thanks. Like I had that kind of money! So I didn't drive with her either. A neighbour took pity on me and gave me heaps of lessons, then when I moved out of home, I went and got professional lessons.

 

If your daughter doesn't want to drive now, she can pay for her own lessons when she's ready.

 

Rosie

[eternalknot]

I got my license at 16, but we were only required to take 9 hours of practice at driver's ed through our local high school. My first experiences sounded a lot like your daughter's, and in fact - both of my parents got so scared with me on the road that they gave up trying to make me learn. Even my older siblings were too scared to get in the car with me. Some still all, come to think of it LOL. All that to say that I did have a license at 16, but it was because my parents wanted me to help out driving the younger siblings around. I had no real interest in driving at that age.

 

Though, for the record -- I did better practicing with my older sister than I did with my mom. I love my mom, and she's the most gentle, kindest soul you'd ever meet. But man, she was terrified of being my passenger and not very good at hiding it (though she tried!). That totally freaked me out even more than I was already, if only subconsciously. I really needed to learn from someone who was less anxious. And I did, finally, my second year at college. A good friend, his beat up Camaro, and lots of late nights practicing on largely abandoned roads near campus. He was exactly the right person to teach me -- adventurous, and less afraid of dying ;)

 

It's understandable why you'd want her to learn and practice now, but I vote you give her space to decide for herself when she's ready. When she IS ready, those careless mistakes will be worth truly studying (instead of justifying or excusing) and her practice will become more purposeful. Sorry your husband isn't seeing how much you could use his help with this.

[Liz CA]

I always thought I would never be able to take my son downtown to practice but it worked fine because I worked up to it by having him drive in areas with no or little traffic many, many times, then we stepped up to more traffic areas until he could cross town comfortably and passed his test.

 

We live 40 minutes out of town. He knows the rural road between town and our home well. We started driving there. We switched seats at the beginning of town. I had him pull into a parking area and then I continued. Once he was solid doing that, I had him venture a little farther into town but not the heavy traffic areas, etc. We took nearly a year with the permit and he just took his test.

I think it's so much better when they are comfortable no matter how long it takes. Once they pass, they think they can go anywhere but if many situations have not been practiced, it gets dicey.

 

I never yelled but had my eyes peeled and often spoke in anticipation of other people's moves or his. As he got better and better, I got a lot of:

"Jeez Mom, I know."

[Renee in NC]

I was really shocked and disappointed to see her make all of these mistakes. She says that anyone can make mistakes and that I was too hard on her but I tried to tell her how serious it was. I feel bad because we got into a big fight once we got home. She feels that I never should have yelled at her and is mad because I didn't just correct her and then let it go. I think it requires more than just an "ok mom. I'll be more careful next time." I don't really think she realizes how close it was. Maybe I've gone a bit overboard but we have had so many teens killed in our area over the past few years so that haunts me.

 

So part of me feels that it would be better to just let my husband take over all practice with her but this would take months since he doesn't do it very often. On the other hand, I could could continue to practice more often with her like we did when she first got her permit. I just hate how it is putting a strain on our relationship. Any suggestions?

__________________

 

I would find someone else to drive with her. To be honest, your reactions did not help her to become a better driver and I side with her - you should have corrected her and let it go. "Shocked and disappointed" makes it seem that you have too much emotionally invested in this. Of course she made mistakes - she has had little practice because neither of you want to do it.

 

I could not drive with my 16yo because we drive a very large van (and at the time) lived on narrow, windy rural roads. He ran off the road a lot and I would tense up, which in turn would make him tense up.:tongue_smilie: He doesn't like to drive with his father (not my dh) because he constantly yells and lectures him about what he is doing wrong. He LOVES to drive with my Dad because he takes the time to tell him *what* to do instead of what is wrong - it has made him a great driver.

 

A driving school instructor would not be emotionally involved and would help her to learn how to drive, not just how to *not* drive. If you can detach yourself from it, make a list of what you think she needs to practice, and then make sure she practices those particular things thoroughly, then that might work. Otherwise, find someone else to do it (not her Dad) even if you have to pay for it.

[Lolly]

It sounds to me like you need a better area to practice in. One that doesn't have so many pedestrians and cars. But, she is going to make some stupid mistakes that make you cringe and think you are going to die. She might even pull up to a red light, stop, and proceed to make a left hand turn.:glare: When asked by a terrified mother why she did that, she might respond with, "But it is right on red after stop." Then, you have to come up with a way other than right and left to let her know when she can turn. A few weeks later, she might stop at a red light and proceed to make a right hand turn pulling out in front of oncoming traffic. Seems she forgot about the if clear part.

 

Plus, you are going to need to calm down. Your part as the instructor is to remain calm. You are not allowed to scream or react strongly in any manner no matter how soon you think the grim reaper is coming for you. You try to matter of factly point out mistakes. With my dd's, if they point out their mistake first I am not allowed to say anything. When they are first starting to drive, I usually have a running verbal commentary going talking them through what they should be doing as far ahead of them as possible. You gotta watch that certain personality types don't become reliant on that though. Had that happen once. You are trying to become that little voice in their head that speaks to them when you aren't there.

 

I have found that much of my nervousness comes from the fact that I am on superalert without the added distraction of having to maneuver the car. I tend to want them to do/react exactly as I would. I have noticed that when I am driving, I might not stay perfectly centered in the road. Doesn't bother me one bit. :) But, when they go one inch out of center, I want to panic.:lol: Another thing I have noticed is that once we get past me talking nonstop, the more I keep my mouth shut and the less I grab for a handhold, the better they drive. Our nervousness is the absolute worst thing for a new driver. (My poor first driver!) So, buckle up and prepare for an adventure. Try not to get emotional. Try to hide your fear. Do just comment, not scream. Do let it go after making a correction.

 

I am in the minority that doesn't think professional lessons are going to help a lot. They simply don't have enough on the road time to do the job. They are ridiculously expensive. At some point, you are going to have to step in and be in the passenger seat. I know that with three learning to drive, my dh has put in about 30 minutes of time in the passenger seat altogether. The poor kids would never learn if they had to wait on him.;)

[Only me]

Thank you for all of the great suggestions. I do want to clarify though that my daughter isn't a "new" driver. She has logged in over 50 hours of practice. I think that I was "shocked and disappointed" because I thought that she was ready to get her license. Now of course I realize that people make mistakes all the time and cut people off etc. but I think that it was more of her reaction when she cut them (slowed down after she turned) and also the fact that she didn't really stop and look for traffic at the red light. She just relied on the fact that it looked clear when the car in front of her turned. It was also surprising since she had been doing so well.

 

We had a good talk last night before bed. I told her that I think that I went a little overboard with my reaction. On the other hand, I emphasized the fact that at this stage learning to drive isn't like riding a bike and that you never forget. She really needs the constant practice. She had logged in those 50 hours over the past year and a half but that has really dropped off over the past few months. We usually got most of her driving in having her drive home from school, which is about 20 minutes away. The past few months she hasn't really wanted to drive very much and I gave in because she seemed so tired after school or practice. The other problem is that she has done 90% of her driving that way and hasn't really had much experience going anywhere else.

 

I also talked to my husband. He drives her to school in the morning. Up until about a month ago he couldn't let her drive to school since he had a stick shift. He bought a new car with an automatic transmission so he said that he will have her drive to school more. I also asked him to bring her to a few other places on the weekend to give her varied experience. I think he finally realized that he would be better at this due to our personalities. He has a lot more experience driving then I do. Of course I drive a lot every day around town but I pretty much go to the same places too. He drives to work on a very busy interstate and deals with heavy traffic a lot more than I do. He is a lot more laid back. I will still have her drive home from school the majority of the time because I think that she needs the daily or almost daily practice. We will try this for another month and then reevaluate in the beginning of March. At that time we'll decide if we think it would be helpful for her to have a few more driving lessons (at a different driving school). That was another thing that she shared with me last night. I knew that she wasn't happy with her instructor but I didn't realize how bad it was. The teacher would never teach her how to do something but would just expect her to know it already. If she did it wrong she would yell at my daughter. My daughter truly feels that she didn't learn anything from her except to make her more nervous.

 

My daughter has a few weeks off of school for spring break so if she is ready we are hoping that she'll be able to get her license then. We had planned on having her get within the next few weeks but since school has been extra stressful lately too I think it would be better for her to know she doesn't have to worry about it until spring break. Of course if she isn't ready by then that is ok too but I think it would be good since that would give her the whole summer to have her license before she heads off to college. My daughter seems fine with this plan.

[Laurie4b]

I would find someone else to drive with her. To be honest, your reactions did not help her to become a better driver and I side with her - you should have corrected her and let it go. "Shocked and disappointed" makes it seem that you have too much emotionally invested in this. Of course she made mistakes - she has had little practice because neither of you want to do it.

 

I could not drive with my 16yo because we drive a very large van (and at the time) lived on narrow, windy rural roads. He ran off the road a lot and I would tense up, which in turn would make him tense up.:tongue_smilie: He doesn't like to drive with his father (not my dh) because he constantly yells and lectures him about what he is doing wrong. He LOVES to drive with my Dad because he takes the time to tell him *what* to do instead of what is wrong - it has made him a great driver.

 

A driving school instructor would not be emotionally involved and would help her to learn how to drive, not just how to *not* drive. If you can detach yourself from it, make a list of what you think she needs to practice, and then make sure she practices those particular things thoroughly, then that might work. Otherwise, find someone else to do it (not her Dad) even if you have to pay for it.

 

Well...some driving instructors. The one who is associated with the local school system's driver's ed class is a tough cookie not into positive reinforcement, LOL! My kids have survived, though.