Does this make sense? Am I crazy?

[HollyBee]

I have been stewing over this all night.

 

Here's some backstory: Several years ago (as in, at least 10) my father and stepmother gave us their dining room furniture, as they were buying a new set. The set they gave us was given to my father and mother by my mother's aunt (my mother passed away when I was 16, my stepmother married my dad when I was in college).

 

Anyway, I mentioned to my dad a couple of years ago that we were *thinking about* sometime in the future replacing the dining room set because we're in a new house, and this set doesn't really go style-wise in the new room. Now, they also gave a queen bedroom set (again, my mother and father's from their master bedroom--happens to be the same exact style) to my stepbrother and his wife. Since I'm a nice person, I asked if they (stepbrother and wife) would like my dining set if and when we replace it. They accepted.

 

Fast forward to last night: My father tells me that my stepbrother and his wife won't want the dining set because it won't go in whatever house they're eventually going to build. So, he says, when we're ready to buy the new one for ourselves, we can sell the set and "they can apply the money toward what they're going to get." :001_huh:

 

Come again? It's MY furniture. Why on earth would I sell MY furniture and give the money to someone who is basically an aquaintance? I never lived with my stepbrothers--we are NOT close. We see each other at family get togethers arranged by my stepmother. They both (stepbrother and his wife) work--I don't think it's my responsibility to give them money so they can buy new furniture. I was offering to GIVE them the furniture because I thought they might like the style since it's the same as the bedroom set they have.

 

BTW, my father and stepmother have also given this family a (used but nice) car, a fully-paid trip (airfare, hotel, tickets, food, souvenirs)to Disney World. They've also taken the other stepbrother's family to Disney World like that, and are planning to do it AGAIN this fall. They've NEVER offered to take us on vacation. :glare:

 

Now, I am not a petty person. I've let this stuff go for years. They've been very generous with our children. This episode just takes the cake. I guarantee that if the situation were reversed, and the stepbrother owned the furniture, they would never ask him to sell his furniture and give us the money so that WE could buy new furniture.

 

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Sorry that got so long!

 

Holly

[Murphy101]

Nope. I'd laugh and say, "Great idea! I think I'll sell it and put the money towards MY new dining table set! Thanks for the idea."

 

I'd keep the set. I'd have sentimental attachment to it if I'd been close to my mother.

 

Ah family.

 

Can't live with them and can't move far enough away from them!:D

[Shelly in IL]

Sell the set, use the money for your own set and if anything comes of it - say, "We sold it and applied it to a new set, aren't you enjoying that "bean dip" you are eating at it?" That is actually what they said, but applying it to yourself and not someone else. Saying something about it now would cause strife - maybe nothing will even ever come of it....

[SproutMamaK]

ITA with the others. Yes, they are asking too much. You were being generous in offering it to them, and they are being EXTREMELY presumptuous and entitled to think they because you offered them a matching set, you "owe" them the value of it.

 

I just wouldn't mention it again. Sell the table and keep the money to put towards a new one. If they realize the old table is gone and they never got "their" money, just tell them "oh, I just thought it would be nice for them to have a matching set, but since they weren't interested in the table itself, I made sure it went to someone who was." If they actually have the cahones to tell you that they're OWED that money (would they actually do that, you think?) laugh a little and tell them, "I don't know where you got that idea. I offered you the possibility of having a matching set, and you declined. The table was still mine to sell or do with as I pleased. I suppose if you'd wanted to you could have taken our offer of a free table and sold it yourself, but that certainly doesn't mean that I owe you money for a table that was never yours and that you didn't do anything for. That would be so strange!" and laugh a little again. That's just my personality, though.

 

Do you think they'd actually go far enough to "call you out" on not giving them money for YOUR stuff?

[angela in ohio]

:001_huh: How did you not laugh out loud? That is so odd.

 

I agree not to say anything now, but if they ask when you sell it, just tell them that it was your set, and you kept the money.

[HollyBee]

Thanks for the replies! I'm glad to know I'm not crazy. :001_smile:

 

I actually have not spoken with the stepbrother directly about this. It's all been done through my father & stepmother.

 

It seems to me that they (father/stepmother) would take the money from me selling my set and then use it toward buying my stepbrother and wife new furniture. That's the way it sounded. ("We'll just apply the money toward what they'll get."--from my father.) Or maybe not. It wouldn't surprise me, but I shouldn't assume.

 

I was actually so shocked that I didn't say much of anything. I wasn't sure what to say. I don't do conflict well, and I need to get better. I just said, "Uh, okay..."

 

I have no idea if they would actually follow through and claim that we owe them the money from the set. I would have to ask, if that happened, if the furniture was a gift those 10 years ago, or has it just been on loan? If that was the case, I certainly wasn't aware of it.

 

I wonder if my stepmother came up with the idea, and my dad just went along. Sometimes I think he doesn't think through the implications of some of her ideas, and she definitely rules the roost (we had some pretty horrendous conflict in the beginning--she's pretty insecure and I'm a threat b/c I'm the link to his other wife). Again, I'm assuming, so I won't continue down that path. :tongue_smilie:

 

Anyhoo, thanks again ladies. It nice to be able to "talk" this through with people who aren't involved in the situation!

 

Holly

[Harriet Vane]

Thanks for the replies! I'm glad to know I'm not crazy. :001_smile:

 

I actually have not spoken with the stepbrother directly about this. It's all been done through my father & stepmother.

 

It seems to me that they (father/stepmother) would take the money from me selling my set and then use it toward buying my stepbrother and wife new furniture. That's the way it sounded. ("We'll just apply the money toward what they'll get."--from my father.) Or maybe not. It wouldn't surprise me, but I shouldn't assume.

 

I was actually so shocked that I didn't say much of anything. I wasn't sure what to say. I don't do conflict well, and I need to get better. I just said, "Uh, okay..."

 

I have no idea if they would actually follow through and claim that we owe them the money from the set. I would have to ask, if that happened, if the furniture was a gift those 10 years ago, or has it just been on loan? If that was the case, I certainly wasn't aware of it.

 

I wonder if my stepmother came up with the idea, and my dad just went along. Sometimes I think he doesn't think through the implications of some of her ideas, and she definitely rules the roost (we had some pretty horrendous conflict in the beginning--she's pretty insecure and I'm a threat b/c I'm the link to his other wife). Again, I'm assuming, so I won't continue down that path. :tongue_smilie:

 

Anyhoo, thanks again ladies. It nice to be able to "talk" this through with people who aren't involved in the situation!

 

Holly

 

I agree with the others that you do not need to do the work of selling furniture and giving the $$ to your stepbrother. That's pretty ridiculous.

 

However, you did say "okay" to your dad, so they may really be planning on this. You might consider explaining to your dad that if stepbrother isn't interested in the dining set you are going to pursue other options. I could see things getting ugly further down the line if they expect to see money from you.

[Shelly in IL]

Don't bring it up. How often do you have these relatives as guests? If it isn't often they probably will forget. I don't think it deserves an explanation - at least not now.

[Parrothead]

Oh, that dining room set would stay in my house until I died. It may not be used as a dining table and chairs, but it would be used in some fashion in several areas of the house.

 

The agreement was that sb and wife would have it when I was finished with it. I'd never be finished with it.

[elegantlion]

I'd sell it and apply it towards a Disney vacation. :glare:

 

Truly I would call my dad and tell him you offered the set as a gesture of wanting to keep it in the family. If they want a new set you'll just keep it or sell it and apply the money to your own new set.

 

My parents have given us almost a house full of furniture, seriously. We have an agreement, once it leaves their property it becomes mine and we are free to do with it as we wish.

[lionfamily1999]

I have no idea if they would actually follow through and claim that we owe them the money from the set. I would have to ask, if that happened, if the furniture was a gift those 10 years ago, or has it just been on loan? If that was the case, I certainly wasn't aware of it.

Holly

If that were the case, then I would give them three weeks (or until you get your new set) to come pick it up and then charge them storage :glare: Btdt, I am NOT the used furniture repository. If you want to give it to me, give it to me, but do not expect me to hold onto it until you can find it a new home. It is not a pet and I am not running a boarding facility for other people's stuff.

[myfunnybunch]

Since I'm a nice person, I asked if they (stepbrother and wife) would like my dining set if and when we replace it. They accepted.

 

I would bypass the parents altogether.

 

You did offer this set to your stepbrother in the past. He accepted. While this does not obligate you completely to give it to them, it is an agreement that you made with him. In your shoes, I would feel uncomfortable just selling it without some kind of conversation with your stepbrother. I think you should either re-offer it (with the understanding that if they do not want to actually use the furniture, you will sell it) or call and let them know that circumstances have changed and you've decided to sell.

 

Cat

[SproutMamaK]

I just re-read your original post. Am I right in thinking that THEY brought this up out of the blue? As in, a few years ago you and your step-brother came to the agreement that he would get the dining set, and then your father out of nowhere said, "by the way, your step-brother and I decided that...."? Because that would mean they were making plans about it behind your back and then decided your father should be the one to tell you what their plan for your stuff is.

[HollyBee]

I just re-read your original post. Am I right in thinking that THEY brought this up out of the blue? As in, a few years ago you and your step-brother came to the agreement that he would get the dining set, and then your father out of nowhere said, "by the way, your step-brother and I decided that...."? Because that would mean they were making plans about it behind your back and then decided your father should be the one to tell you what their plan for your stuff is.

 

Actually, I asked my father and stepmother if they thought stepbrother and wife would want the set, since they have the matching bedroom set. They asked stepbrother/wife, and relayed the response that yes, they would like the set. So I never talked in person to them about it.

 

Crazy, I know. But I mentioned that we are really just acquaintances, and only talk during family get-togethers. We do not talk on the phone or email.

 

But yes, they did bring this up to me. The interesting thing was that my father said, "Pedro and Bertha (names changed to protect the innocent) won't want that furniture. It won't go with any style house that they will build." It was not, "Pedro and Bertha have decided they don't want the furniture." Almost like the decision was made for them? I don't know--that's me assuming again, which I shouldn't do.

 

I think I may call my father tonight and ask him to clarify this, because surely I misunderstood...:glare::tongue_smilie: Surely he didn't ask me to sell my furniture and use it to subsidize stepbrother's new furniture...

 

Holly

[kalanamak]

Don't bring it up. How often do you have these relatives as guests? If it isn't often they probably will forget. I don't think it deserves an explanation - at least not now.

 

I would be tempted to say no one wanted it, and you had to pay to have it hauled off.

[gardening momma]

I have no idea if they would actually follow through and claim that we owe them the money from the set. I would have to ask, if that happened, if the furniture was a gift those 10 years ago, or has it just been on loan? If that was the case, I certainly wasn't aware of it.

I would certainly NOT say that. That's just setting yourself up to be stepped on again--giving them the opening they need to say, yes, of course it was only a loan.

[HollyBee]

I would certainly NOT say that. That's just setting yourself up to be stepped on again--giving them the opening they need to say, yes, of course it was only a loan.

 

You're completely right--I totally agree.

 

I've decided to just let it go. I would be stunned if they actually ask me to give them the money if/when we sell it. If they do, well, we'll deal with it then. Of course, we said we were thinking of buying new furniture before the economy tanked. Now we're definitely looking doooowwwwnnn the road a ways. Two to three to four years, most likely.

 

Thanks for all the input, ladies! I certainly appreciate it. You've helped me work through this insanity in my mind! :001_smile:

 

Holly

[tex-mex]

Your folks are using $$$ as a way to control you and the relationship. Try to be the better person. Sell the set and use the $$$ for YOUR dining room table. Even Judge Judy would agree with you -- he doesn't own it anymore. Yikes. ;)

[Carol in Cal.]

get your dad out of the loop.

Email the step brother WHEN YOU ARE READY TO LOSE THE SET, and ask him whether he wants it or not. If so, he needs to come and pick it up within two weeks. If not, just let you know. In the email (and this is KEY), say that you are offering because the set matches some of his other furniture, and that if you don't hear back from him in a week, you will assume that he does not want it.

 

That way you lose the potential to feel 'stuck' if he doesn't answer.

 

Then once the two weeks have passed, if you still have the set he has no claim on it at all and you can proceed to do whatever you want with it.

 

You don't owe him the money from it, but I would not fight with your dad and stepmom about that, especially since you don't know whether they have even discussed this with him, and also because you said 'ok' when they asked you to follow their plan. You're just replacing that plan with this new one.

 

You have no obligation to sell the set for him--that is just crazy!

[HollyBee]

However, you did say "okay" to your dad, so they may really be planning on this. You might consider explaining to your dad that if stepbrother isn't interested in the dining set you are going to pursue other options. I could see things getting ugly further down the line if they expect to see money from you.

 

I've been thinking about this. I don't want stepmother and stepbrother (because that's who this boils down to) counting on having additional cash when I sell my furniture.

 

:glare:

 

Carol in Cal., I do like your advice. However, it almost feels like if I start dealing directly with stepbrother about this, I'm going behind my dad & stepmother's backs, which is insane, BUT it's all been done through them up to this point. I guess that's my mistake. I won't do that again! How do I get over that? Therapy? :001_huh::lol:

 

 

Holly

[Carol in Cal.]

Carol in Cal., I do like your advice. However, it almost feels like if I start dealing directly with stepbrother about this, I'm going behind my dad & stepmother's backs, which is insane, BUT it's all been done through them up to this point. I guess that's my mistake. I won't do that again! How do I get over that? Therapy? :001_huh::lol:

 

 

 

Making changes produces a lot of anxiety. Your dad and stepmom are accustomed to being in the middle, and they either like it there or feel that it's part of their job to be there.

 

When you take them out of the middle, it doesn't have to be defiant or dishonest if you do it calmly and cheerfully.

 

You could email the stepbro when your dining set is ready to go, and copy them on the email if you want. Or if they ever bring it up again, say that you appreciate their comments, but you just want to make sure that stepbro really doesn't want it before you sell it. You could say that you sure would like to have the money to put toward your own new set, but that if stepbro wants it because it matches his furniture or for sentimental reasons, you'll let that go. If they come back and say that you should sell it and give stepbro the money, you can just say, wait a minute, no, I'm going to sell it and use the money myself. They can't really argue with that if you are calm and cheerful when you say it. But if they DO argue (sigh), just say, no, he can have it if he wants, but if he doesn't, I'm going to be selling it and using the money for our set. Lather, rinse, REPEAT.