It happens every year -- the Green-Eyed Monster & me

[ereks mom]

We went to the annual holiday gathering with dh’s family yesterday. Dh is the oldest among his siblings, & was the first to get married; he & I have been married nearly 30 years, so I’ve been going to these annual gatherings for a LONG time. Pretty much everyone in the family (MIL & FIL & the 4 siblings + their spouses + 2 or 3 dc each) gets along well (unusual, I know!). We all have a GREAT time whenever we get together. But I have to admit something: every year during the celebration, I begin to feel… I don’t know how else to put it… envious??? I guess that’s what it is. :confused:

 

My SIL (dh’s sister) seems to have the perfect life. I say *seems*, because I suspect that some of what I see is really a façade, and my gut tells me that her family is not as happy as other people might think, but somehow I still can’t help but feel… what??? …inferior??... after I’ve been around her & her dh & their 3 dc.

 

SIL & BIL & their dc are quite materialistic. They don’t really *flaunt* their way of life, and they really are fun to be around; it’s just that you can tell that appearances & possessions & such are very high priorities for them, & it’s almost like they’re all in competition with everyone else to have the best & most beautiful of everything: cars, gadgets, even friends. SIL drives a nice car, as do her dh & ds, & last year they even bought a nearly new car for their dd who won’t even be a licensed driver for several months yet. They take two vacations a year – SIL & BIL go to the mountains for a week every winter, & then their whole family goes to the beach for a week every summer. They eat out often, usually at upscale restaurants, & they all wear name-brand clothing & accessories, always purchased at trendy stores. SIL is slim & attractive, & her hair & nails & make-up are always perfect. BIL has a great job with a huge income, so SIL doesn’t work; she goes to the gym every day. (I’m not kidding!) BIL’s job is in the tech industry, so to them, it’s important that they all have the latest computers, cameras, cell phones, iPods & accessories, gaming systems, & home entertainment equipment – enormous LCD television with cable HD, Blu-Ray player, DVR, stereo, etc.

 

I don’t know that dh & I will EVER be able to afford those kinds of things, & for 11½ months out of the year, it doesn’t really bother me. But every year at the family gathering, I start to feel… well, whatever this feeling is… shabby... kind of like I’m the Ugly Duckling who will never be a swan. I long to feel attractive instead of frumpy, & to be able to afford to shop at upscale stores instead of thrift stores, & to eat out at nice restaurants instead of having to pinch pennies at the supermarket, & to drive a stylish car instead of a 13yo mini-van with a missing hubcap & a starter that’s going bad, & to take one real vacation a year, & to be able to afford health insurance. <sigh> You get the picture. It really bothers me that I feel this way, but I just can’t seem to help it. I don’t want to trouble dh about it because even though he works very hard & owns his own company & is a WONDERFUL Christian husband & father, we have ALWAYS struggled financially. For me to say anything about these feelings would only make him feel that he isn’t providing well enough for us, & he already feels that way often enough.

 

I’m not really looking for any kind of suggestions or advice; I just needed to vent a little. Actually, I’m just whining, I guess, when instead, I need to count my blessings & be content. It’s really evident that my family has a closer bond between us than SIL’s does. My dc are just as attractive as their cousins (more so, *I* think!), & they are definitely more academically gifted & more spiritually mature, so I know I have a lot to be thankful for.

 

In a couple of weeks, I’ll be back into my routine and this won’t bother me again until next Christmas…

Edited January 3, 2010 by ereks mom

[rwjx2khsmj]

:grouphug:

[Liz CA]

I know what you mean and where you are coming from.

There are not such glaring differences in our family - none of us are well off or whatever the definition is.

We all have everything we need. It's often hard to keep contentment in the forefront of our minds when we are bombarded with such affluence.

 

Keep in mind what you said in your last paragraph and think on how difficult it would be if your children were not the children they are or your dh was not the man he is. Those are the things that really count in life. I know you know this already - I am just reminding both of us.

 

By the way, when you counted out all the electronic gadgets they have, my head almost spun off my neck. Even if I had all the money in the world, I would not want all of those distractions. It's nice to have working equipment but too much is just a headache IMHO.

 

Dwell on your wonderful family and what a lovely home your children have - and you may be sure your dc will never miss all the materialistic stuff.

[Lovedtodeath]

I know what you mean and where you are coming from.

 

:iagree:I get envious of my cousin who can ignore her kids and do whatever she wants. Sometimes it would be nice to do that for a day... an hour... but I don't really want to emulate her.

[dsmith]

:grouphug: I could have written your post... I have to see my SIL almost every day though. She is definitely one of the "beautiful people". I feel like Plain Jane. We struggle with our business, they start one and immediately are successful. We are on our 3rd free car, they just bought a new one. We live in an affluent area, and many people here are all in a race to have the best first. I struggle with envy at times, but other times I feel pity for them because I truly feel we are better off and more grounded than they are. But one day I wouldn't mind a big shopping spree at the mall and a makeover!

[Alicia64]

I don't think the "envious" thing is about you. I think consciously or unconsciously, your sil is projecting the "I'm better because I have stuff" thing and you're picking up the vibe and assuming it's all you.

 

I bet lots of people get that vibe from her. Why? Because she's putting it out there. It's no accident that you're feeling it when you're around her.

 

Alley

[Nestof3]

:grouphug:

 

Seriously, I understand.

 

But, tonight, I took a bath. It feels like 12 degrees outside right now, and I was chilly. My three healthy boys are asleep, and my husband and I are snacking away on our own computers. I decided to take a hot bath to warm up a bit and took a glass of wine back with me along with a scrapbooking magazine.

 

While lying there, I looked around the room. Many complain about having only one bathroom, but I was overcome with such a sense of gratitude. The room is modest but nicely decorated with a floral swag above the window, soft lavender walls and pretty white beadboard paneling. We have running water.

 

I cannot tell you how fortunate I felt at the moment. I have a cozy (if small) house that many in the world would envy -- and honestly, many in the world would look down upon. I have a husband and three healthy sons. We waited 11 years to embark on our first "real" vacation (we can only vacation during the winter because of my husband's lawn business), and we leave on Tues. for San Diego.

 

Sometimes I just want to cry with thankfulness that we have never gone hungry and that we have a wonderful home when it's 21 degrees outside. Sometimes I envy others. I guess the point is, we should spend more time crying with thankfulness.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I was thinking about this issue just last night. Before I was married, I would peruse Victoria magazine and look at all the beautifully decorated rooms and the menu pages with beautifully plated food with flowers and coordinated flatware and I would dream of when I was married and had such wonderful things. Then I got married. We haven't had a lot of money. The nice things we have are few but we love them. I have chronic pain and cannot take spend a lot of time decorating or cleaning or cooking or entertaining. And then of course the kids and their needs preclude a lot of that anyway.

 

So yesterday, we visited a married couple who had a New Year's Day dinner. We walked into a Victorian fairy land. This woman has a true gift at interior decorating. Each table was set as a coordinated tableau with swags of greenery, decorations, beautiful antique knick-knacks etc. The dinner was served in 6 silver chafing dishes that were given to the hostess by her husband for Christmas. It was my dream come true.

 

And I found myself imagining myself in her life. And I found that while I admire her house and her decorating very much, I wouldn't want it. I would be frustrated taking care of it. I would go crazy keeping the kids from breaking it all or from breaking stuff myself! I found that my priorities have shifted. And my tastes have shifted too.

 

So, I did have a little bit of the green eyed monster - for the money which obviously funded all of this. But as I doled out allergy medicines to my family who all seemed to react to something in that "perfect" house, I found myself happy with the life that God has given me instead!

[WishboneDawn]

I know this experience. I've had it myself as my SIL's family has always done quite well financially while we spent years struggling.

 

However, I'd caution against comparing your two families in any way. That means no looking at their stuff and coveting it but also comparing how each family works so you can feel good about that. Either way, you're still trapping yourself in the same framework, that your view of your SIL is based on comparing what the two of you have and deciding who has the better deal in each department. Instead of dealing with your jealousy you're sort of, in your head, attempting to make sure she has reason to be jealous of you.

 

Instead, just work on feeling happy for what your SIL's family has. Take note in the joy it gives them to have what they do and to be able to do the stuff they do. Don't look for the cracks in their facade or imagine virtues you family has that they lack, accept them for what they are and enjoy them as they are.

 

I've struggled with this for awhile and now that we're sort of coming out the other side I'm feeling not-so-good about where the jealousy and smugness has led me. Now that we do have a new house, a good income, etc. I find myself looking at my SIL with that old smugness except now it's morphed into thoughts not just about my family but how much nicer my house is or gosh, their dishwasher is just a budget model, isn't it (where before I'd comfort myself with the supposed virtues my handwashing entailed)? Nasty, cheap thoughts that had their roots in those, "but my family is closer," thoughts. And, I should point out, thoughts that as far as I know, my SIL never had about me. I've got a lot of weeding to do.

 

Hope this helps.

[WishboneDawn]

I don't think the "envious" thing is about you. I think consciously or unconsciously, your sil is projecting the "I'm better because I have stuff" thing and you're picking up the vibe and assuming it's all you.

 

I bet lots of people get that vibe from her. Why? Because she's putting it out there. It's no accident that you're feeling it when you're around her.

 

Alley

 

I don't buy this. I think we're perfectly capable of feeling jealousy without those who have what we want putting out some sort of "vibe". It's unfair to burden the SIL with when we honestly don't know the real situation.

 

Our feelings are our responsibility. We need to deal with them, not pass the blame.

[ciyates]

:grouphug: I used to feel the same way about my SIL. They took several vacations a year and had horses and seemed to always be doing stuff we could not. 2 years ago they divorced and her kids are still having a hard time with it.

 

99.9% of the time I cannot believe how blessed I am! But that 1% of the time...then I fell guilt for my attitude.

 

I know you said you just wanted to vent and didn't need advice but I think it is completely normal what you are going through. :grouphug:

[GaHadley]

add me to the group who could have written your post!

 

I get to feeling pretty good about myself and our sweet home that I love, and dh and I were so proud to buy after it sat empty long enough to get cheap enough for us to afford :) I buy some clearance rack clothes from one of the few stores I go to when I actually get time to go shopping somewhere without grocery carts and we've saved enough money for me to get some new things. . . and I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

 

THEN we go to a birthday party at SIL's house and she has a huge house that is beautifully (in my taste) decorated. It's comfortable and homey. Her kitchen could be featured in BH&G. . . but then all her friends are just as in shape and dressed out of the same magazine that she is! and all the little girls have long, curly hair, painted (some with polka-dots!) fingernails, with expensive outfits that have been monogrammed! My girls have on nice, seasonally appropriate clothes from the hand-me-down box, and i refuse to monogram something to be worn a single season and then not be able to be handed down! I feel like one of the Beverly Hillbillies!

 

She drops her kids off at preschool (they are 2 and almost 4) and she goes to the gym and she shops at specialty stores in the downtown district. She is in Junior Service League and garden club, and she's active in her church.

 

I get my kicks from seeing how much money I can save on groceries! And there is no way I can go to a gym because I'm home with my kids all day.

 

BUT then I stop and put things in perspective. My dh works very hard (ironically in the same industry as BIL, but our farm supports 3 main families plus employees and their farm has only one main family and employees) - he is a wonderful father - he thinks I am amazing - and I remember I don't have to stay home and homeschool my children - I GET to stay home and homeschool my children. I get to keep knowing them throughout middle school and high school when many children are more interested in their friends. . . I will still be their main influence even if they have lots of friends. We can take our little modest vacations any time we want to because I don't have to be on someone else's schedule. My house is PERFECT for us and it's not as much to keep up!

 

God has put me right here with this family because they are perfect for me!

 

Now, I have one of those birthdays next week and I'll probably need to come back and remind myself of all my blessings and how I'm sure she has struggles too :)

[Dayle in Guatemala]

On my dh's side of the family I have one sil who is ALWAYS mistaken for Catherine Zeta Jones (I'm not even kidding) and the other who looks like she just stepped out of America's Next Top Model as the supreme winner of all time. And dh's identical twin brother is dating a blue-eyed, blonde who is just tall and leggy and also perfect. The sils married beautiful men, too.

 

I love them both, but, since I look a little like Kathy Bates, it's a tad intimidating! :001_smile:

 

My saving-grace are my gorgeous dc!!!! They fit right in. :D

[Remudamom]

We're not struggling financially, but we don't live anything like my extended family. They've got multiple homes, take the trips, buy expensive cars for the children, spend money like water etc. etc. My sister's family is vacationing at a hotel in Colorado right now, and Paris Hilton is there. I'm betting it isn't a Holiday Inn. It doesn't bother me. I have a suspicion that they are all in horrendous debt.

 

The houses look like they're straight out of Architectural Digest. My sister does have a barn with an apartment in it that I love, but I'm happy she has it.

 

They all think our children are fantastic, and tell me all the time how wonderful my kids are, so.......

[Renee in NC]

I know how you feel.

 

For me it is that my whole family (on my Dad's side) is wealthy. I have some pretty high-powered family who are well known in Washington and throughout the country. There are lawyers, doctors, engineers, business people, and more PhDs than you can imagine. My cousins have gone to Duke, Columbia, Stanford, and there is even an Oxford graduate (Truman Scholar.) In general, they married people of the same background. While a few of chosen odd lives , they are generally very successful people in many different ways.

 

My father was the youngest and never really wealthy, but I still grew up in this culture. It was expected that I would excel in school, go to a big name college, and become "one of them." I didn't.

 

So, at times I feel absolutely horrible about myself and my family. My dh realizes this is why I struggle so badly with our situation and often my reaction is pure depression. This is *not* the way things were supposed to be!

 

Add to that - my family does not think I should be homeschooling. They are not against homeschooling - I have a cousin who homeschools and my aunt and uncle would have homeschooled if it had been legal (and accepted.) I have other cousins who are contemplating it when their children are old enough. They just don't think *I* can do it because I have too many children and not enough money. My 11, 8, and 7 yo boys also all have an LD of some sort and we don't have the resources to handle them well.

 

I could go on and on about it, but I need to stop there so as not to get myself into a tizzy!

 

I do have one thing they don't and I get a huge amount of praise whenever we are all together - my dc are much, much, much better behaved and our family is much, much, much closer than my cousins'.

 

I am trying to take the good from all of this and discard the rest. Jealousy does me no good, but if it spurs me to action then we have turned a negative to a positive. I am working on the list of things I would do differently if we had money and seeing if I can make them happen now - maybe in a different way, but still happen nonetheless.

 

All this to say - :grouphug: to you, I know how hard it can be. For me, this time of year is bad because of the Christmas letters (which I don't do, but maybe I should if for no other reason than I will see all the positives!)

 

ETA: I don't have to deal with the fancy cars, multiple houses, luxurious living part because NONE of my family lives that way really. They have real wealth and are very conservative people who don't believe in debt or flashy living. Hence the reason they are wealthy.

[Friederike in Persia]

I don't buy this. I think we're perfectly capable of feeling jealousy without those who have what we want putting out some sort of "vibe". It's unfair to burden the SIL with when we honestly don't know the real situation.

 

Our feelings are our responsibility. We need to deal with them, not pass the blame.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

About not knowing "the real situation": we come from the most affluent country in the UK, lots of our friends there do very well. Some of our closest friends have so much more money than we do (he drieves a Lotus!) and sometimes we talk about money, materialism,.... and each time it turns out that they consider themselves low down on the pile, cause their family does so much better, most of their other friends do better,.... you get the picture. They think it's hallerious, that we consider them well off:001_smile:.

 

There is quite a chace that some of the SILs written about in this thread are envious of others, who have more than they do :tongue_smilie:

[Paintedlady]

I know this experience. I've had it myself as my SIL's family has always done quite well financially while we spent years struggling.

 

However, I'd caution against comparing your two families in any way. That means no looking at their stuff and coveting it but also comparing how each family works so you can feel good about that. Either way, you're still trapping yourself in the same framework, that your view of your SIL is based on comparing what the two of you have and deciding who has the better deal in each department. Instead of dealing with your jealousy you're sort of, in your head, attempting to make sure she has reason to be jealous of you.

 

Instead, just work on feeling happy for what your SIL's family has. Take note in the joy it gives them to have what they do and to be able to do the stuff they do. Don't look for the cracks in their facade or imagine virtues you family has that they lack, accept them for what they are and enjoy them as they are.

 

I've struggled with this for awhile and now that we're sort of coming out the other side I'm feeling not-so-good about where the jealousy and smugness has led me. Now that we do have a new house, a good income, etc. I find myself looking at my SIL with that old smugness except now it's morphed into thoughts not just about my family but how much nicer my house is or gosh, their dishwasher is just a budget model, isn't it (where before I'd comfort myself with the supposed virtues my handwashing entailed)? Nasty, cheap thoughts that had their roots in those, "but my family is closer," thoughts. And, I should point out, thoughts that as far as I know, my SIL never had about me. I've got a lot of weeding to do.

 

Hope this helps.

 

:iagree: This entire post is spot on. One of my sisters is a lawyer w/her own practice and very well off. BIG house, tons of beautiful furniture & antiques, costly trips to far flung lands, etc... I'd find myself comparing our financial situation to hers and while we're not in poor financial condition, we're nowhere close to her. So I'd console myself with how much happier I am than her and other really ugly thoughts. I finally woke up to the reality that this was my envy speaking and I was ashamed of myself.

 

Now I genuinely enjoy seeing my sister reap the rewards of the many years of hard work she's put in and feel no need to compare her life to mine. They're different and they're both wonderful. No need to tear her down to build myself up.

[WishboneDawn]

 

I love them both, but, since I look a little like Kathy Bates, it's a tad intimidating! :001_smile:

D

 

I have to admit, I've always though Kathy Bates was absolutely beautiful. Beautiful in an approachable warm sort of way but still gorgeous! I think you're quite blessed if you look like her. :)

[ereks mom]

I appreciate you all -- those who simply "listened" & sympathized and also those who advised me against making comparisons & thereby feeding the green-eyed monster.

[MamaBookworm]

Just want to thank the OP for putting this out there. It is THE reason I came back to this forum (seriously!) I got just ONE card too many this season and was feeling SO discouraged. Then I made the mistake of working on the months budget BEFORE working on my lesson plan and it was all just so discouraging. The choices we make seem so insignificant. What's the point? I could be working we could be.....blah blah blah... it hasn't helped that school has not gone well this year and I'm just feeling discouraged. I'm also in a season of life where I'm socially isolated from 'real' homeschoolers and miss my former hs community I left behind when we moved away from Vegas. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's nice to around other crazy people who are putting their kids first over vacations and things. I know it's no guarantee that they'll be successful or turn out 'better' but it's nice to feel there are others who think the effort is worthwhile.

 

Thank you!

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:Big, big hug.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: