Mother in law help

[Tidbits of Learning]

My Mother in law has begun to slightly make questions to me about our school work. She is the type of person that you have to be careful what you say to b/c she will say one thing to me and a totally different thing to my husband.

We did not advertise that we planned to homeschool this year until after the year had already begun and I took it with the I am not brooking any arguments or suggestions approach. I didn't defend our choice and I didn't ask for advise. We more or less matter of factly just said they were homeschooled when relatives asked about school or holidays this year. So there was no option for the family to sway my hubby (whom it took months to convince that homeschool was right for us).

Long story short, she asks the kids stuff when I am not here. She is my only option for sitter with 4 kids. She also asks me questions. She works at a community college in admittance and came over one day asking about acreditation. We just went on a 2 week trip back to my home 12 hours away and she called the day after my 12 hour drive back with 4 kids by myself and I was asleep at 8:50 and she was concerned about when we were starting back school. I politely informed her that we schooled while we were at my parent's house so there was no getting back to school and that we can school any time of the day.

I really don't want to field questions from her or any advise from her. How do I tactfully end the questions or input. And most of all, how do I keep her from asking my kiddos questions about our school or quizzing them while I run an errand or take a sick kiddo to the dr.?

[dirty ethel rackham]

It sounds like you are working hard to establish boundaries. That is a good start. Here is an article by our lovely Joanne that you might find helpful.

 

Bean Dip

[dirty ethel rackham]

I also meant to add something ...

 

About your MIL quizzing your kids, you may have to work at developing relationships with other families so that you can have other people who can help out with babysitting. As long as she is babysitting your kids, you are giving her access to do what she will. She may eventually change her thinking on homeschooling, she may not. If her behavior is a problem, your only choice will be to minimize access.

[Tess in the Burbs]

well, I had a good friend's dh who worked in the ps system constantly quiz my son when he was 4. ;-) we had planned to hs all along and he knew this but felt the need to quiz my kid every time he saw them. HE WAS 4!!!

 

So some people need boundaries. My own dad questions everything that normal clueless people ask about h'sing. I have learned to say that I meet the state requirements, we do more than required, and education is a life thing and not a 8-3 thing. for the most part it shuts them up.

[Harriet Vane]

In this case, I would tell her, point-blank, that if she has questions to direct them to YOU, not your kids.

 

My own in-laws were dismayed at our choice to homeschool, and yes, they did have a lot of questions. Once my mil even talked to ds about how fun it is to go to school. However, I have a really, truly, wonderful relationship with my in-laws and knew/know that their questions and concerns were motivated by fear, uncertainty, and just plain ignorance. Also, their own two children (my dh and sil) had had really positive school experiences so the grandparents naturally wanted the same good things for their beloved grandchildren. In our case, since we have always known dh's parents to be people who discuss, who process, who are respectful, we have always been totally willing to answer their questions and their fears as best we can.

 

I have now been homeschooling for eight years, and while my inlaws don't embrace homeschooling for everyone, they DO believe that I can homeschool my kids and that I can do it well. It took time, but they were never overtly hostile, and we have always been able to have civil discussions.

 

When you talk to your mil, insist that discussion has to be with YOU, and ask that she be willing to hear and to understand, rather than only argue against.

[Happy]

You need boundaries, yes, but it looks like you haven't opened *any* doors to *real* communication. This woman does love you and your husband and the grands. Maybe it would be a nice thing for you to say something like the decision is made, but I'm happy to answer your questions. I know you love us and only want the best for us. Let me tell you why we chose the way we did....

 

My new motto helped inspire this post...in life we have two choices...to be right or to be kind. Choose kindness.

 

There may come a day when you must be harsh, but today choose communication and kindness.

 

In the interests of fairness, I'm a mom-in-law whose son makes huge assumptions and generalizations about me and my 'ways.' Usually negative no matter what I say or do. At least ddil seems to understand what's going on. I'm so seeing the other side of every mil post these days. :D

[dsmith]

If her grandkids were in ps, she would probably be asking how their grades are, etc. Perhaps if you just showed them some of the work they are especially proud of, or better yet, let the kids show her. We get very few negative comments, but mil is always talking about her other ps grandkids and what they are doing in school, but never asks how our ds is doing. I make a point to show her things, and she has been showing more positive interest.

[bkpan]

My Mother in law has begun to slightly make questions to me about our school work. She is the type of person that you have to be careful what you say to b/c she will say one thing to me and a totally different thing to my husband.

We did not advertise that we planned to homeschool this year until after the year had already begun and I took it with the I am not brooking any arguments or suggestions approach. I didn't defend our choice and I didn't ask for advise. We more or less matter of factly just said they were homeschooled when relatives asked about school or holidays this year. So there was no option for the family to sway my hubby (whom it took months to convince that homeschool was right for us).

Long story short, she asks the kids stuff when I am not here. She is my only option for sitter with 4 kids. She also asks me questions. She works at a community college in admittance and came over one day asking about acreditation. We just went on a 2 week trip back to my home 12 hours away and she called the day after my 12 hour drive back with 4 kids by myself and I was asleep at 8:50 and she was concerned about when we were starting back school. I politely informed her that we schooled while we were at my parent's house so there was no getting back to school and that we can school any time of the day.

I really don't want to field questions from her or any advise from her. How do I tactfully end the questions or input. And most of all, how do I keep her from asking my kiddos questions about our school or quizzing them while I run an errand or take a sick kiddo to the dr.?

Well, based on what you wrote, I am thinking that your mil, out of love, is concerned about her grandchildren. It also sounds like, that from the beginning of your decision to hs, you put in place some healthy boundaries with the family. You also use your mil as a support system for you to help with your dc. So, I guess that I would say that I would try to take a deep breath each time that the questions start, and try my best to answer truthfully and confidently.

 

I think that so many grandparents are initially very concerned in the beginning when their dc choose to hs their grandkids, but so often become the BEST advocates as they watch our dc blossom and see the fruit of the process. Not always, but often.

 

So, I guess that as long as you are using her for support, I would be gracious and interpret her questions as loving concern. I probably would ask her to direct the questions to me, but with the spirit of trying to answer her concerns. Both of my parents, and definitely dhs parents, were initially concerned when it became clear that we were homeschooling. Now, they are all supportive. Dh and I were never defensive, just continued to dialogue and answer their concerns (but with confidence in our decision).

 

(Of course, I am totally assuming that your mil is operating out of loving concern. You can disregard all of this if that isnt the case!)

 

HTH!

 

Kim

[asta]

What is she asking them?

 

Is she asking them "what did you do in school today?"

 

Or is she asking them "so, what is it like to know you will never have a best friend because your mother has chosen to socially isolate you?"

 

One is a standard grandma question, the other is just plain mean. KWIM?

 

 

a

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

You need boundaries, yes, but it looks like you haven't opened *any* doors to *real* communication. This woman does love you and your husband and the grands. Maybe it would be a nice thing for you to say something like the decision is made, but I'm happy to answer your questions. I know you love us and only want the best for us. Let me tell you why we chose the way we did....

 

My new motto helped inspire this post...in life we have two choices...to be right or to be kind. Choose kindness.

 

There may come a day when you must be harsh, but today choose communication and kindness.

 

In the interests of fairness, I'm a mom-in-law whose son makes huge assumptions and generalizations about me and my 'ways.' Usually negative no matter what I say or do. At least ddil seems to understand what's going on. I'm so seeing the other side of every mil post these days. :D

 

:iagree: Have you had an adversarial relationship with your MIL since it seems that way:(.

 

I also think IMHO that it is natural for most people to question and ask questions about homeschooling since it is still not the norm so to speak, but thank goodness I think it is heading that way:)

Edited December 10, 2009 by priscilla

[Tidbits of Learning]

We do not have a good relationship. My dh's grandparents (dc's great-grandparents) used to watch my kids for me until their health made it impossible to do so anymore. I have a friend that can watch them sometimes but she has a special needs child that often has appts. We try to swap out babysitting, but it doesn't always work out schedule wise.

My MIL is not awful. She is just not great either. Yes, there have been questions about friends. Yes, there is the implication that I don't know what I am doing. We live 800 miles from my family and my husband's immediate family has major issues. Both of his parents are on their 3rd marriages with lots of baggage.

I don't mind fielding questions but I worry what she will say to the kids. dd9 was getting involved with the wrong crowd and I still have to field can I spend the night with so and so questions. MIL makes it seem like I am being an overprotective ninny when dd9 got into a lot of trouble spending the night last year and without my knowledge being dropped off at skating rink at 10pm at night for hours.

They were never concerned about the kid's schooling when they were in "school". When she asked about acreditation I tried to show her our books and the catalog for what we will be doing next year and I think she felt I had taken the wind out of her sails by being prepared with an answer to her great dramatic dilema over why homeschooling wouldn't get the kids into college. This week she has made it seem like I sleep late and the kids are never doing school to dh on the phone.

I am concerned b/c she is my only option this Friday to watch my kids during dh's christmas party for work. She makes poor decisions. Last time she watched the kids for 2 hours for me to attend a cub scout committee meeting she let all kinds of kids into the yard from the neighborhood and it was a fiasco with my kid's possessions being stolen. I asked her why she would let it get that out of hand and she told me I didn't tell her all the rules for the kids. It is insane. She is a grown woman. If a bunch of kids bum-rush the fence with a lock on it ,you tell them they have to leave. If a child leaves with my kid's possessions you tell them hey that isn't yours. I punished my kids for their part in the fiasco. They knew what they were supposed to do and not do and that no one was allowed over. As she was leaving, she whispers to the kids, "I didn't mean to get you in trouble" and winks at them.

I want to put up more boundaries and really let her know that she is out of line. When drama ensued this week about the upcoming party, I stood my ground and said I will find someone else if you can't watch the kids at my house (she wanted to take them to her house an hour away and spend the night as well as go to lunch with her 3rd husbands family). She was all I want to see the kids. I even tried asking my friend but her dd has surgery Friday. So I am stuck with my MIL watching them. She has made it seem to my dh that I keep her away from the children, but it is the fact that she does not respect my wishes at all.

Homeschooling is just a new battle in an old war. I have told my kids not to talk about our school with their grandmother except to say they like it and for her to ask me (mom) for more details and to be busy playing or to go start playing when it happens and to tell me afterwards.

Edited December 10, 2009 by OpenMinded

[Guest Katia]

Sometimes, there just is no help for the mother-in-law, I'm very sorry to say.

 

I am in my 16th and final year of homeschooling. My mil was a ps English teacher and her dh was an elementary school principal. From the day we started homeschooling she done nothing but question my competence and my methods. Well, that was to be expected, but after 10 years of homeschooling, with a son that has graduated college and a dd that has been accepted to an academically rigorous college......you'd think she'd have figured out that not only am I and my method competent, but that homeschooling does, indeed, work.

 

But, NO. Now she is always asking if ds has any friends, because you know, he was homeschooled all those years so doesn't know how to make friends in the work-force. Any, poor dd, does she have any friends at college? Is she terribly home-sick? Do I think she'll make it through all four years, since, you know, this is all so different than homeschooling.

 

It just goes on and on. Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and ignore with all your being, and know, in your heart of hearts that what you are doing for your children is the very best for them regardless of what MIL may think.

 

I'm sorry. I hope yours sees the fruits of your labors and becomes a support for you in homeschooling as well as babysitting. Mine never has and I don't think she ever will. I'm ok with it, though. I don't need her approval. I'm happy, dh is happy the kids are happy. It's all good where it needs to be good.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You really, really need to find someone else to babysit. Can you afford to pay someone to babysit? Ask your friend if she uses anyone other than yourself. Ask the neighbors if there is a responsible teen that they could recommend. Ask at your church or some other group that you might belong to. You can't set up the boundaries that you are setting up for your MIL if you can't stick to the consequences for her "misbehavior". And she knows it.

 

We take our kids along to many things. My kids have learned through coaching and threats! to wait quietly in a waiting room with some books or schoolwork or even a handheld electronic device of some kind while another child or myself is in the appointment. They come with us to many events where they are the only children because we don't have an alternative and because they know how to behave. Of course, you don't have control over whether you can bring them to some venues - like your dh's company party.

[Rosie_0801]

I think I'd hand her over to my hubby and suggest that it is insulting of her to question his competence in providing for his family.

 

"Yes, Mother. I am quite aware of the way my home is run and am pleased with it. If I or my wife have concerns, we discuss them. This is normal procedure in a marriage, as I'm sure you know. Please stop telling tales, it undermines both her and the kids' confidence and I can't allow that. The appropriate way for you to talk to the kids about school is to encourage them to explain what they have been studying, and tell them how smart they are and how proud you are that they work so hard and are interested in so many things. It is not your job to report deficiencies. Of course they have deficiencies, they are only children. My wife and I keep a very close eye on them and are constantly working on strengthening any weaknesses, and I know very well that my wife puts a lot of time and thought into improving her own skills. She is doing a great job, and I'm delighted with the way they are progressing."

 

Argue with that, Momma!

 

:)

Rosie

[Harriet Vane]

We do not have a good relationship. My dh's grandparents (dc's great-grandparents) used to watch my kids for me until their health made it impossible to do so anymore. I have a friend that can watch them sometimes but she has a special needs child that often has appts. We try to swap out babysitting, but it doesn't always work out schedule wise.

My MIL is not awful. She is just not great either. Yes, there have been questions about friends. Yes, there is the implication that I don't know what I am doing. We live 800 miles from my family and my husband's immediate family has major issues. Both of his parents are on their 3rd marriages with lots of baggage.

I don't mind fielding questions but I worry what she will say to the kids. dd9 was getting involved with the wrong crowd and I still have to field can I spend the night with so and so questions. MIL makes it seem like I am being an overprotective ninny when dd9 got into a lot of trouble spending the night last year and without my knowledge being dropped off at skating rink at 10pm at night for hours.

They were never concerned about the kid's schooling when they were in "school". When she asked about acreditation I tried to show her our books and the catalog for what we will be doing next year and I think she felt I had taken the wind out of her sails by being prepared with an answer to her great dramatic dilema over why homeschooling wouldn't get the kids into college. This week she has made it seem like I sleep late and the kids are never doing school to dh on the phone.

I am concerned b/c she is my only option this Friday to watch my kids during dh's christmas party for work. She makes poor decisions. Last time she watched the kids for 2 hours for me to attend a cub scout committee meeting she let all kinds of kids into the yard from the neighborhood and it was a fiasco with my kid's possessions being stolen. I asked her why she would let it get that out of hand and she told me I didn't tell her all the rules for the kids. It is insane. She is a grown woman. If a bunch of kids bum-rush the fence with a lock on it ,you tell them they have to leave. If a child leaves with my kid's possessions you tell them hey that isn't yours. I punished my kids for their part in the fiasco. They knew what they were supposed to do and not do and that no one was allowed over. As she was leaving, she whispers to the kids, "I didn't mean to get you in trouble" and winks at them.

I want to put up more boundaries and really let her know that she is out of line. When drama ensued this week about the upcoming party, I stood my ground and said I will find someone else if you can't watch the kids at my house (she wanted to take them to her house an hour away and spend the night as well as go to lunch with her 3rd husbands family). She was all I want to see the kids. I even tried asking my friend but her dd has surgery Friday. So I am stuck with my MIL watching them. She has made it seem to my dh that I keep her away from the children, but it is the fact that she does not respect my wishes at all.

Homeschooling is just a new battle in an old war. I have told my kids not to talk about our school with their grandmother except to say they like it and for her to ask me (mom) for more details and to be busy playing or to go start playing when it happens and to tell me afterwards.

 

At this point I'd say to hire a different sitter and to facilitate supervised visits with mil. She's not evil, so yes she should get to see her grandchildren, but she has a history of disrespect and poor choices, so she needs supervision. There's no need to make a big announcement (it'll just ramp up the drama)--just start living this way.

 

I would also advise your dh to make it clear to his mother that schooling is NOT an open topic of discussion either with you, the kids, OR DH. If she is going to be dishonest or inaccurate in what she reports to him, she does not have the privilege of discussing this with him. Period.

 

:grouphug:

[Remudamom]

She sounds like a huge troublemaker to me. I'd simply tell her that if she can't play by your rules you will make sure her actions come home to her. I'd start by finding another babysitter come hell or high water, or just stay home and let her know that her babysitting skills aren't worth it to you.

[elfgivas]

fwiw, the thing that worked for us with all the grandparents was to hand them the singapore math teacher's guide, text book and workbook and say "i know how interested you are in the kids' school, so i left math for you to do with them today. dgd #3 is on lesson 72. i marked it in the book. the teacher's guide has the lesson plan. you teach a twenty minute lesson, go over the exercises in the text book with them, and then assign them the wookbook exercises. while they're working on that, you can teach dgd #4 her math lesson. its number 71. same procedure. then when dgd #4 is doing her workbook, you can correct dgd#3's work and discuss any difficulties. then you do the same with dgd#4. i have a few minutes before i leave, so why don't you look over the lesson plans and make sure you don't have any questions for me. (3 of the 4 were public school teachers and administrators. the 4th was a professor's spouse.)

 

if they questioned the kids again, then they got a chance at teaching language arts the next time they came.

 

and that was pretty much the end of that :001_smile:

 

for them, it helped them to see the curriculum, to use it, to work with the kids and see that they had good work habits. it helped that i wasn't hiding anything from them (but not justifying or explaining, either). i don't think it would work in all situations, but it might help in some.

 

good luck!

ann