Would you quit your job no matter what your DH thought?

[Mom0012]

I just don't think I could do it. It isn't about head of household, it is about respect to me. I wouldn't want DH to just quit without consulting me and if I were strongly opposed to it I would be very hurt and upset if he did it anyway. I feel we are a team and need to make decisions together.

 

Dawn

 

I understand what you are saying, but it sounds like the OP has tried to discuss this with her husband, and he has made promises in the past and then refuses to budge on the issue. It seems she has consulted her husband so what about the hurt she is feeling over the situation? I can't imagine asking my spouse to stay in a job that was making him so miserable even if we had to take a huge cut in pay.

 

I guess I find the OP's posts heartbreaking as well and I want her to take some action so she doesn't miss out on this short time with her girls and regret it for the rest of her life.

 

Lisa

Edited October 8, 2009 by LisaTheresa

[Mom0012]

In the end, he agreed that I can quit tomorrow if I really feel that it's in the best interest of our family and my health, and I agreed to hang on for another month or two (or more) if I can. For years now, quitting has always been the carrot on the stick, so close but always juuuuust out of reach. Knowing that it's actually within my grasp means a lot, and gives me a bit more stamina. Even if I gave notice tomorrow, I wouldn't be out until I was finished with these two projects that are killing me anyway, so I should be able to keep going until the next cycle, at least.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

Melissa, I'm glad things seem to be taking a turn for the better. Just don't wait too long to give that notice, okay?

 

Lisa

[Danestress]

I just don't think it's a great idea to unilaterally announce major life changes.

 

I would look for a new job, I would continue to pursue this with him, and if I felt like he really didn't care if I were happy, I would want to pursue that in counseling.

 

But if my DH hated his job, I would support him looking for a new one. I would be willing to adjust our lifestyle. But I would be pretty annoyed if he came home one day and just announced that he wasn't going to work anymore because he didn't really like it, missed the kids, and felt like life is short and he was unhappy and didn't enjoy having a job.

 

While I do believe that in most marriages, it's the man's job to provide primary financial support, and that is certainly how it works in my family, I would not do this to him any more than I would accept him doing it to me.

 

I would put all the options on the table - I quit and homeschool, he cuts back hours so that our kids are in 'other care' less, I look for a new job, I go more part time, we put the kids in school and both work, I quit for now with a promise to try to bring in cash informally or with a promise to resume working in 5 years. During times of stress, I really believe you have to prioritize the marriage and above all else right now, I would try to nurture the marriage while you work this out.

 

I would just be in agony with children that age and working full time, so you have my sympathy. I would really really really want to be home with them, and I think you should work that goal. But I would work it in a way that made my husband feel loved, valued and respected as much as I could without pretending to agree with him.

Edited October 8, 2009 by Danestress

[ack25]

(((hugs)))

Sorry I had to hang up so abruptly last night. I am glad the two fo you talked it out again last night. It sounds like progress. If a quick coffee break at the b&n by you presents itself, give me a call.

[Carrie12345]

You are probably right, but then that's more time that we simply don't have these days. And what are the odds that I could find one supportive of HSing? I've seen a few in the past who haven't even been supportive of breastfeeding, and who thought I was too involved with the kid(s) and not involved enough in my marriage. I'd LOVE to be more involved in my marriage! At the time I was working full-time and trying to be the SAHM I truly wanted to be as well.

 

A GOOD couples therapist won't ever inject their personal feelings on homeschooling, breastfeeding or any other topic. Their job is to get the couple to work through their feelings on the matter.

[Elizabeth Conley]

Scratch that.

 

I should have read the entire thread. I'm so glad you and your husband have taken an action you both are committed to.

 

Best Wishes,

 

Elizabeth

Edited October 8, 2009 by Elizabeth Conley
I needed to retract my stoopid post!

[PollyOR]

:thumbup1: So glad you two were able to talk it out. Hope you have a better day today. :)

[sunshine]

Hey, we could organize a squad and come over and knee-cap him....:D

 

I'm in!:D

[lionfamily1999]

I'm so glad it's worked out for you. :grouphug:

 

 

 

 

I was going to recommend putting it all on his plate and saying what do you want me to do? Sometimes, making it their idea helps :)

[sunshine]

Every time I come back to this thread, I start to cry again. You guys are so kind. And thank you, Dangerdad and Blueridge's DH, for some guy feedback. I appreciated every word. I actually think my mom and best friend can handle any necessary knee-capping (they're local), but thanks, kalanamak! That made me giggle :o

 

We talked (I only sobbed a little), and we laid it all out on the table. We've talked about it all before, but I guess it's like two steps forward, one step back each time. We've been through the budget a million times (I pay bills and balance spreadsheets, so that's been all set for awhile), but we covered it again anyway. We've been banking my salary for months now, but his is so irregular (sales) that it's really hard to see how things average out from month to month, or over the long term. We had agreed that we'd put six months' expenses in the bank before I quit, but the projected date is March 2010, and I just don't know if I can hold on that long. Finding out about my increased workload today was a real kick in the gut.

 

I talked about the quality of life issues, and he talked about how we've worked so hard to pay off our debts, buy the cars outright, and get financially stable that he wants to enjoy the fruits of that labor (vacations, fixing up the house, etc.), but he also sees the less tangible benefits of me being home--actual time together, less running around, no more babysitters, etc. He's worried about work--his company is in a merger situation right now, and they were informed this week that 10 people will need to be laid off from all departments. He's highly regarded and has proved his value, but we all know how those things go.

 

I reassured him that I would most certainly go back to work if necessary (he thought I'd refuse based on things I'd said in the past, but I never meant those to apply if he wasn't working!), and would look for an appropriate part-time thing in the meantime. He said he didn't want to hear me complain about being broke, and I said I didn't want him to hate me if I kept the heat turned down or we couldn't have exactly what we were in the mood for for dinner every single night.

 

In the end, he agreed that I can quit tomorrow if I really feel that it's in the best interest of our family and my health, and I agreed to hang on for another month or two (or more) if I can. For years now, quitting has always been the carrot on the stick, so close but always juuuuust out of reach. Knowing that it's actually within my grasp means a lot, and gives me a bit more stamina. Even if I gave notice tomorrow, I wouldn't be out until I was finished with these two projects that are killing me anyway, so I should be able to keep going until the next cycle, at least.

 

So, for now at least, things are better. Of course, I have a terrible headache from all the tears and stress, so I'm going to finish my work and go off to bed. Thank you all again. It means so much to know that I'm not crazy, and I'm not just being a baby or a whiner about all of it (that's what it feels like sometimes, that I just need to toughen up and get the job done), and that the things we're losing in this deal--ultimately, the kids' childhoods, the strength of our marriage, our time together--really do matter as much as I think they do. I hope my next post on this topic is the news of my "Don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out!" celebration :D

 

:grouphug:

 

I am so happy for you. Maybe now with the knowledge that he will be the sole provider soon will inspire him to look for more stable income than sales. I am sure that is a good job and all but sales has been and always will be hard to depend on. Unless he is in medical supplies or insurance I have seen most of the people I know struggle with slumping sales and unstable companies. Sometimes, all it takes is to know they are responsible for everything to inspire them to strive for higher goals. I know you will enjoy this time coming up for you and your sweet children. How wonderful for them to spend the morning with you than someone else.

[Impish]

I'm so relieved to hear that you've come to an understanding!

[swellmomma]

Yes I would quit and did though for different reasons than you. My son ended up with a broken leg at 23 months of age at his dayhome. That is how we discovered the neglect that was going on. my husband wanted me to keep working and just find new childcare(never mind that dayhome was the only licensed one in the whole town and there was no daycare center). Me on the otherhand, had already felt guilty putting the kids in childcare to begin with, and so despite the good money I was earning(I was a casual care attendant in the local long term care at the hospital, and worked more than most of the f/t staff), I quit that day. There was no way I was going to put my kids at risk again if I had the option to stay home.

[Susan in TX]

At this point I would say that you and your husband need couples' therapy. You're at your breaking point, and stalemated on this. You both have high stress points on this issue. Keeping going as you are will not work, but quitting could up the tension significantly. It's time for therapy.

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

Susan in TX

[melissel]

:party: Now, don't wait too long to walk away, ok? When these projects are over kick that job to the curb and join me in the coupon cutting.

 

LOL! I told him I believe I can at least go two more weeks, and then give two weeks notice. That should have me out before the next cycle of these hideous projects. And afterward, I will most certainly join you. I'm actually an experienced couponer and rebater (and I enjoy it, it's like a scavenger hunt!), but I haven't had the time in a few years. I'm looking forward to it again!

 

Thanks for your good wishes, everyone. I do feel more able to cope today (in spite of finding out about even MORE miserable work coming down the pike, ugh), so I'm hanging on with all my strength just a bit longer. I can and will do at least that for DH's peace of mind. I just wish they'd wrap up all these merger details! The merger is done, but employee chess is still going on, you know?

[Erica in PA]

and did, though things weren't as bad as your situation. i was a ps teacher and after the twins were born, i was only clearing about $200/month after paying childcare, transportation, etc.... totally NOT worth the stress. so i told him i was done. every so often he brings up the subject but i just look at him and say "why? you've still got a job." plus the fact that his salary has more than doubled in the 7 years since i stopped working for pay. me going back to work is just not.gonna.happen.

 

:iagree:The only thing that would stop me from doing what I think is best for our family (and *your* well-being is a big part of what is best for the family), is my belief that my husband is the head of the household from God's perspective. So for me, I would pray that my husband would change his mind, go to our pastor for counseling, etc. But if that weren't a factor, as you said it's not in your case, then I would probably just do what I thought was best for our family, especially if dh's only real concern was the safety net of $$$.

[LauraGB]

:hurray: I'm so glad you and dh were able to work things out! Just 4 more weeks! :party:

[Carol in Cal.]

Frankly, it's not a good time to leave a job, at least around here. Unemployment is really, really high right now. I'm glad that your DH was so reasonable about it.

 

May I suggest a book that you might enjoy? It's called "Your Money or Your Life" and it's been lifechanging for me and for others I know. One of the things that I like about it is the way it talks about the true wage someone gets--that's the composite of the actual take home money minus all the expenses (which includes retail therapy, eating out, 'I have to get out of here because I hate my life' vacations, etc.) divided by the actual time spent on the job, including the commute. If you're really, really miserable on the job, you might be surprised to find out that you're actually making a lot less than you thought.