Homeschooling with Doctor Husband

[MeaganS]

Hi, I have kind of a unique question and was wondering if any of you had any experience with this. My husband will be starting medical school next fall. Right now we have a DD1 and we're planning on having another shortly after medical school starts. I stay home with our daughter, and will be continuing to do so.

 

My question is, do any of you have experience with homeschooling through medical school/residency? What about with just a doctor husband in general. We aren't sure what he's going to specialize in yet, but my daughter will be a minimum of 10 years old when he's a full-fledged doctor.

 

Part of me thinks homeschooling during medical school sounds like a wonderful option, because our kids will be able to see their dad when he's available. Part of me thinks it would be too hectic. What do you think?

 

I'm really curious about this, so any thoughts on the matter would be much appreciated.

[Janet in WA]

 

Part of me thinks homeschooling during medical school sounds like a wonderful option, because our kids will be able to see their dad when he's available. Part of me thinks it would be too hectic. What do you think?

Can you tell us what about homeschooling while your dh is in medical training would be more hectic? Or maybe the opposite: What about having your children (really just your oldest child for most of that time) in school during your dh's medical training would make things less hectic? Really, the early years of homeschooling are so light and simple (or should be) that it's really not going to be a big part of your dayl until the time your dh is a full-fledged doctor anyway. Edited September 29, 2009 by Janet in WA

[MeaganS]

Can you tell us what about homeschooling while your dh is in medical training would be more hectic?

 

I don't know. I've read enough to understand that especially in elementary school, schooling isn't too stressful, but I'm a little concerned about doing it almost completely alone, you know? I'm the type of person that researches and learns everything there can possibly be known before I make a decision. I've spent hundreds of hours researching about homeschooling, and although deep down I know it's the right choice for us, part of me worries about the unknowns. I realize that's just something I have to get over and that time will tell, but it's hard sometimes.

[Tap]

Ds is not a doctor but is in an industry that runs 24 hours a day. He often works 50-60-70 hour weeks, and gets phone calls pretty much around the clock. While he sleeps here, there are times that he and I don't see each other for days, sometimes a week at a time. There are times when he gets a phone call at 3am and he is out the door at 3:30am. He sometimes works from home, but obviously while he is here physically, he isn't mentally. This seems pretty similar to what my friends in med school go through, so I will chime in.

 

I work part time in a pharmacy to keep my sanity :) and to give me a break from kid-only-land.

 

The most important thing for us is communication. Even though our schedule varies constantly, we communicate all the time via the phone. We text a lot, email, and chat on our cell phones several times a day. So, while I may not have seen dh in 4 days, I have talked to him about everything going on and even though he really doesn't care what spelling program I am using, he likes to hear about why I choose certain materials, and how the kids are doing. He doesn't really give me feedback, but mostly...'sounds like you have it all under control' pats on the back.

 

I try to help him when he struggles with work issues by giving him an outsiders view. He is a pessimist, I am and optimist, so we often have very, very different views of situations. I have to ask him sometimes before I chime in on a topic, about whether or not he wants me to be 'optimist wife' or 'the agreeable wife', because my comments are often very different depending on what hat I am wearing at the moment. I think sometimes this is a very important aspect of communication on the run, I need to identify which hat he wants me to wear at the moment. Sometimes, he just wants to come home and let it all out, and for me to just agree and say 'that sux, sorry you are having to go through that'. Other times, he really wants to hash out a problem, and he wants me to be more engaged, more involved in the conversations. When we used to have more time together, I was able to be both, now I have to identify who he needs more, since we only have 10 minutes to chat in passing.

 

The other thing to identify is what he needs from the house. If he is just going to be here to sleep, I don't worry to much. But if he is working from home or has a day off, I try harder to make sure it is a nice place to be. Sometimes, that means leaving with our demanding 2yo and just giving him the couch and the remote :0).

 

One thing that I have never done is to fully take care of all the kids myself. He still has family responsibility. He still has his own chores (lawn, garbage day etc) and I still expect him to spend time alone with each child. I don't want to get to the end of our kids lives and have them only remember me taking care of them. He is still expected to help in the kitchen when I am gone, and he is great at cuddling with the young kids on the couch. He tries really hard to go to sporting events, even when it isn't a good time for him to go. He wants to be there for the kids. If he has a long weekend, he usually tries to go out of town. If I can't go, he will take a kid or two and head off anyways. I don't try to keep him from doing what he wants on his days off, due to my commitments.

 

It isn't my favorite way to live but I look at this time in dh's career much like people who go to school. It is a long and daunting process, but it won't last forever and as long as we stay strong, support each other and keep aligned, we will make it through and better for it in the long run.

 

 

I hope it works out well for all of you,

~Tap

[FO4UR]

Life is going to be hectic with a dh in med school whether you HS or not. Don't base the decision on that.

 

My dh has been in seminary the last 6 years. It's not easy, but we make the sacrifices to do what we feel called to do in regards to raising and educating our kids.

 

If you base your schooling decision on dh's choice to go to med-school, you put him in a VERY unfair position....there will be a day when it's "do what is best for dh or what is best for the kids" - not a pretty thing! Keep those two decisions completely separate and make them together.

[elegantlion]

My dh isn't a doctor, but he is self-employed and works 6 days a week most of the year. He also is physically exhausted when he is home, gets phone calls at all hours, and is never really done working. :glare:

 

Homeschooling has been excellent for our family because of the flexibility we have. We can take off a day if dad is home. We can take vacations when dh has time and not worry about a school schedule.

 

My dh is very aware spending time with his son. DS has been to work with dh, gone on out of town jobs, and truly understands what dh does at work. Ds was in private school for prek and K and we considered continuing but I would have had to go to work. I knew we'd be giving the best part of our day and ourselves to someone else and we'd all be tired at the end of the day. Tired= grumpy/irritable in our house, not quite the family life I had envisioned.

 

I believe homeschooling is great for people with non-standard schedules. It allows you to have family time on YOUR schedule, not the schedule of the school.

[LG Gone Wild]

No experience with medical internships or whatnot but dh works two jobs, so I imagine the time constraints are similar.

 

Realize that it will be all on you. It will be all on you anyway, whether you homeschool or do ps.

 

It's going to be difficult not because homeschooling is hard but because children are difficult and starting anything new or different is hard.

 

Don't look at those serene Pottery Barn for kids catalogs. It's all a lie. No home with children ever looks like that.

 

OTH, I love taking credit for my kids' successes (minimal though they are) because I DID do that.

[Janet in WA]

I don't know. I've read enough to understand that especially in elementary school, schooling isn't too stressful, but I'm a little concerned about doing it almost completely alone, you know? I'm the type of person that researches and learns everything there can possibly be known before I make a decision. I've spent hundreds of hours researching about homeschooling, and although deep down I know it's the right choice for us, part of me worries about the unknowns. I realize that's just something I have to get over and that time will tell, but it's hard sometimes.

Welcome to our world. Most of us homeschool almost completely alone. And most of us like it that way. We're happy that dh, supports our choices, etc., but are also happy that he goes to work and leaves us to run the homeschool, make curriculum choices, etc.

 

You're absolutely right to ask these questions, just in case there's some hidden drawback you haven't yet thought of. Keep in mind that everything about raising children is an unknown, including what their experiences would be in school. Our home was much more peaceful when we pulled our sons out of school and got that element out of our family's lives. And at that time, my dh traveled heavily for his job, and was gone about half of every month.

Edited September 29, 2009 by Janet in WA

[jenL]

As with other posters, my DH works a lot of hours, and I do the schooling alone. We made the decision together to hs, but I implement it. You need to do what's right for your family, and homeschooling provides a unique type of freedom that you can't find anywhere else. You don't have to worry about rushing a child off to school in the morning, parent meetings, picking them up or being home for the bus. You can adjust your days around DH when he's available, which is something mainstream schooled children cannot do. We just came back from a beach vacation since this is the time of year when DH can easily get time off; plus, we were able to save money by going in the off-season. If you need your lives to be flexible, I can think of no better choice.

 

Best wishes with your decision! :)

[Janet in WA]

 

You don't have to worry about rushing a child off to school in the morning, parent meetings, picking them up or being home for the bus.

And you also don't have to worry about the child having homework to do instead of spending precious time with Daddy.

[KJB]

It's doable.

 

I'm thinking of the (excellent) question above where someone asks about the unique aspects of med school/residency versus dh's with other high demanding careers.

 

One huge difference is most of the posters with dh's working their patooties off are making pretty good money which is why they work so hard. You, otoh, are going to be poor for 7+ years (unless you are rich already :D) even though dh is working all the time. After the first 7+, you're likely to be saddled with student loans. If you're lucky, dh will find a practice/opportunity that will help pay off his loans.

 

As a home schooler, it's tough to not be able to buy materials/books/extras when you are struggling to make ends meet. In fact, sometimes I think I've remained a home schooler just so I can buy books and take field trips without any guilt. Take that away, and I'm not half as interested in home schooling. :lol:

 

Another difference might be that your dh will be emotionally drained by his occupation. It's hard enough to work longs hours, but throw in disease and plague and death and you're pretty much wiped at the end of the day. This may challenge you because even when your dh has the time (which will be infrequent), he may not have much emotional energy for you and the kids. If you have problems with home schooling, he may not be able to *hear* you even if he can hear you, kwim?

 

We (and I use the plural for fun) home schooled during residency.

 

I am very independent. Home schooling is my thing. The most he does is answer "Yes, dear" if asked a question regarding home schooling. Of course, he occasionally guest lectures at the dinner table and is a font of knowledge and ideas if he has the time to disengage from his job.

 

I think you'll find during med school and residency there are a lot of other spouses that will bond together into a support group. If you're lucky, and if it appeals to you, you might get one or two like minded mothers to band together with you in pursuit of home schooling. In dh's residency there were at least two other home school families out of around 40.

 

Good luck!

Edited September 29, 2009 by KJB

[Tracy in Ky]

Dh went to law school and worked full time when ds was little, and dd was born while he was still in school. It was hard, but doable. We just had to be very intentional about having quality time when he was available. Just pace yourself and you'll do fine :)

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I have 2 BIL's who are doctors, 1 SIL who is a doctor, and have 4 close friends who are married to doctors. I agree with the previous poster who said that your life will be hectic with your dh in med school whether you homeschool or not. My 2 girlfriends whose dhs are still interning have said that they feel like single parents much of the time. They never know when their dh will be around, and if he is around, they drop everything and get a little family time in. My sister's husband has been a practicing pediatrician for about 12 years now, and he is finally getting to a point where he has a somewhat regular schedule.

[sleepymommy]

My dh just finished up his fellowship this past July. It's been a really hard 6+ years of residency/fellowship. We were only dating towards the latter part of his medical school, so I can't really comment on how that part of coping with family life is. Although, he did have a lot of free time that last year of med school. We got married right before he started residency.

 

He's finished up now, but he's still not available to us though, b/c now he is studying for another set of boards. There is always another exam! (Step 1, step 2, step 3, written boards, oral boards, etc!) During residency, between studying, working for less than min. wage, in-service time, long hours, little sleep, and hardly time to eat, they are pretty burnt out during the small amounts of time they are home. It's especially stressful when they are just learning and the life or death of other people rests in their hands.

 

We are only just beginning to homeschool now, but the kids have been in my care with no help from relatives and no money for an occasional babysitter.

 

That said, it has its unique challenges as does a lot of other situations. Depending on what field he goes into and where he does his residency, it might not be as bad as I described. My sister's dh had an really 'easy' residency and there home life was not very much disturbed. He had regular hours, not a lot of call, etc..

 

My advice would be to try and find other young families that share the common bond of medical school/residency life. You guys will be spending most of your time together on those weekends when your home alone or they're studying. Try and make the most of time you have together. I say 'try' because I recognize that's not always possible, like the KJB said, they may often be there physically, but not mentally or emotionally. I would constantly tell myself that although times were tough, it would get better.

[TravelingChris]

My dh was in a PhD program. One giant difference we had was that he was paid a salary during that time. He wasn't around much and we had to plan things when he was around to him being in the lab at least every 12 hours so the experiment didn't need to shut down. IT was actually much harder on us when dh was travelling a lot. THe worse for us was the kind of situation he has now where he travels most weeks but there is nothing whatsoever regular about it.

 

Many of us if not most of us homeschool alone. I have been homeschooling 15 years and in the beginning, there were lots of lectures and books out about how the Dad should be so involved. I hated hearing that type of thing. My dh was working which both helped us and his country. How dare anyone say that we weren't a good enough homeschooling family? That attitude has mostly disappeared.

[Janet in WA]

Many of us if not most of us homeschool alone. I have been homeschooling 15 years and in the beginning, there were lots of lectures and books out about how the Dad should be so involved. I hated hearing that type of thing. My dh was working which both helped us and his country. How dare anyone say that we weren't a good enough homeschooling family? That attitude has mostly disappeared.

When we began homeschooling, dh expressed a desire to be the one who taught our sons history (his degree is in history). Didn't happen. But it was a nice thought.:)

[tex-mex]

Life is going to be hectic with a dh in med school whether you HS or not. Don't base the decision on that.

 

 

 

:iagree: I know of 3 married couples (we've known them since 1990) who all were in medical school. 2 out of the 3 are married now. All spouses of the medical school student can vouch for the high stress and loneliness they experienced either being the "breadwinner" or raising kids on meager pennies during med school and residency. One couple were dual doctors and postponed having kids 'til their 8th year of marriage. One couple had a spouse pursuing a M.D./Ph.D program at USC. One gal is now a single parent raising her kids with no help from her rich specialist doctor ex-hubby. It happens.

 

Another story: at our church, I learned of a gal who just got married with 3 kids. She was pregnant at 22 and married quickly her college sweetheart. He was in medical school (paid for by her parents) and once he graduated and landed a super $$$ job... he left her for another medical student. She was a single mom for years.

 

I would NOT base the decision to HS a child based on school. It isn't fair to the child nor your marriage. You need to ask yourself what you are ready for -- your marriage will have its shares of ups and downs. You will be lonely as a doctor's wife in the early years. Your spouse will be BUSY working towards a financial $$$ nest egg for your family. You need to be satisfied with yourself on the choices you make regardless if medical school or welfare were the issue. You may find yourself having to work f/t if school tuition gets costly... are you prepared to postpone HSing if this happens?

 

Sorry for coming across so harshly. I tend to be a realist. Life is never perfect. But you can do it. You CAN do this! Just be prepared for the unexpected and don't stress if plans change, kwim? Someone said to find a support group or playgroup in the meantime... I highly agree. You will need the support and a place to vent if hubby is not there to be for you. Marriage is a commitment. Despite the ups and downs, try to communicate. And be there for one another. He will need you to be his rock of support.

Edited September 29, 2009 by tex-mex

[HollyinNNV]

Sometimes it has been great. Sometimes.....not so great. We found DH had decreasing amounts of time to spend with us the farther into the process. 1st and 2nd year are great-although lots of studying. 3rd and 4th year-more hospital time. Residency first year-ICK. And so on.....

 

It is a long hard road. DH started when our first child was approx 5 months old. I started hsing when she was in first grade.

 

I think the biggest thing you will find is that YOU need to be captain of your homeschooling ship. DH cannot do everything he needs to do and help you too. You need to be very self-sufficient and long-suffering. No complaining.

 

And things get harder and harder, but the changes are gradual. This past weekend dh worked Friday 6 AM-10 PM, Sat 7 AM till Sun 6 AM (yes that is NOT a typo) and Sun 7PM till 3:30 AM. Monday he was a zombie. (And by worked, I mean in the OR actually working-not sleeping)

 

Anyways, hsing has been a good way for our family to stay in touch with each other. And it provided good flexibility when our kids were younger-not so much with a high schooler.

 

Also-we found most medical students were married and most residents had families. You will not be alone. I don't know anyone that divorced during med school or residency. I know 2 that divorced right after residency. The stress level is high. But, considering the number of couples I knew, that is a pretty good percentage.

 

Just take one day at a time! You can do it.

Holly

 

Hi, I have kind of a unique question and was wondering if any of you had any experience with this. My husband will be starting medical school next fall. Right now we have a DD1 and we're planning on having another shortly after medical school starts. I stay home with our daughter, and will be continuing to do so.

 

My question is, do any of you have experience with homeschooling through medical school/residency? What about with just a doctor husband in general. We aren't sure what he's going to specialize in yet, but my daughter will be a minimum of 10 years old when he's a full-fledged doctor.

 

Part of me thinks homeschooling during medical school sounds like a wonderful option, because our kids will be able to see their dad when he's available. Part of me thinks it would be too hectic. What do you think?

 

I'm really curious about this, so any thoughts on the matter would be much appreciated.

[HollyinNNV]

about loneliness. I was much more lonely my dh's first year of med school. I had an infant. I was in a new city. He was gone. Once I went about getting my "own" life, I did better. It was never as bad after that-even our first year of residency. You MUST continue to work on your own identity and your own interests. You must get your own friends! I don't wait around for dh to do things. I get up and do stuff, go places, talk to people etc. If your identity is wrapped around your dh, you will be lonely.

[choirfarm]

about loneliness. I was much more lonely my dh's first year of med school. I had an infant. I was in a new city. He was gone. Once I went about getting my "own" life, I did better. It was never as bad after that-even our first year of residency. You MUST continue to work on your own identity and your own interests. You must get your own friends! I don't wait around for dh to do things. I get up and do stuff, go places, talk to people etc. If your identity is wrapped around your dh, you will be lonely.

 

 

Amen. Amen. Amen.. I am married to an orthopaedic surgeon. We are both first borns, which I think normally causes problems in a marriage but is perfect to be married to a doctor. I knew wives in residency that would moan and groan about hubby being gone, etc. Not me, good grief if you are lonely find a friend. Join a club, etc. My problem was the opposite. I had to be careful that I didn't schedule myself so that I didn't see him when he was available.

 

As far as homeschooling just do not expect him to participate. I love my dh dearly.. He is a WONDERFUL and sweet man. We have been homeschooling for 6 years and this year is the first year I have asked him to do anything: labs for Chemistry. It is happening sporadically, but I am just not capable of doing it so I have to be content that it will get done when it gets done. He WANTS to, but the time...

 

It does allow you to let them see their daddy which is why we chose it. For example, we just spent the last two weeks in an RV in Alaska and we all had a blast. He is on county call today and left at 6 and probably won't be home until 2 or 3 if at all tonight. He is also on call this weekend. He typically leaves around 6 and gets home at 7 or 8. He has supposedly left Thursdays open to come home and do lab with my oldest, but that has only truly happened a couple of times so far. (We started school in July.) They tend to to all the labs for one chapter in one day. He does talk over the chapters with him at night or the weekends that he is home.

 

I really don't know about kids during medical school and residency as we chose to wait to have them until his last year of residency and I am SO glad we did. I didn't mind his schedule at all until I had kids. We had no family at all around us and it was hard. I found a mother's day out program so I could get my hair cut or just have a little bit of time to myself. When we started homeschooling, I haven't had much time to myself until the last year when my oldest has been old enough to stay alone ( They are 14, 12 and 7 now.) It was really hard when the boys were small and it was just me. MDO was a life saver for me. So make sure you get support. I think children are just stressful period. Forget homeschooling. I mean you either help with school ( boys went until they were 3rd and 1st) or you do it yourself. Either way it takes time. But find a support group if you can. My first couple of years I was either taking care of an elderly relative or they were living with us or we were in ICU. My middle one asked why I called it homeschool since we were always at the doctor or physical therapy or something. Also, since dh is a doctor all of these crisis on both sides of the family looked to him.. Sigh... I REALLy needed time to myself and just didn't get it for the first 4 years of homeschooling. THAT WAS HARD. I just had too many family responsiblities. My dad died this past Memorial day after my taking care of him for the last 4 years, and I still feel guilty about how much easier my life is. I miss him terribly, but it has just taken so much off of my plate. So LIFE can be hard. Forget residency or medical school. It is just life. So get used to it and to what God calls you do do.

 

Christine

Edited September 30, 2009 by choirfarm

[LibraryLover]

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Edited September 30, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Miss Marple]

We postponed having children until dh was in his fellowship program (post residency) and I had graduated and worked several years to save up some money. We started homeschooling after dh landed a permanent position. Thankfully, the 80's were a bit easier on the pocketbook in regards to tuition so we were able to pay off our loans before the children were old enough for school. I don't think that would be possible today.

 

One of the biggest advantages for homeschooling in our home is the fact that we have a flexible vacation schedule. When dh can project a slow schedule, we can pack up and go. We have had some fabulous vacations that would not have happened if they had been in public/private school. We can head to town and meet dh for a quick lunch - since they may not have seen him for over 36 hours. The boys know their way around the physician lounge at the hospital because they have spent time there with dh - again because they sometimes go more than 24 hours without seeing their father. Flexibility - that's the biggest advantage.

 

One of the biggest hardships, as KJB stated, is the lack of emotional support by dh especially in the early years. But because we had been married for 12 years before having a child old enough for school, I had pretty well learned how to cope with that. But I think that would be a problem no matter what kind of schooling one chose. Depending on the area you are in, you may get a lot of peer pressure (from other physicians/spouses) to put your kids in private/public school. In my area, homeschooling was looked on very suspiciously by the local physicians. They LOVED and felt very loyal to the local schools. I bucked the trend and in so doing, didn't get to participate in the "doctor's wives socialization" activities. I didn't feel badly about that because I'm rather anti-social anyways. For years, dh had to listen to his co-physicians talk about this contest or that event in which their children starred or won. We didn't have any way to "brag" equivalently. But now that my oldest has graduated, received scholarships based on academic performance, and is doing well in a highly regarded major, I've been vindicated. I have received so many compliments from the local physicians on the boys' abilities, motivation, and character. Now dh gets to brag a bit :-)

 

So, really, I can't think of any great disadvantages of homeschooling in a physician family. I can only see the advantages.

[Sugarfoot]

Well, it's the only experience I have, so I have nothing to compare it to. I was in college and graduate school while he was in medical school. We "passed in the night"--barely!:) Our oldest was born at the beginning of his 2nd year of residency. I packed him up and took him to the hospital when my DH was on call so that he could see DS and we could have dinner together. DS took his first steps in the on-call room at that hospital.

 

My DH also moonlighted for extra income. There were many weeks when he would leave on Monday morning and not sleep at home again until Wed. or Thurs. It was hard. We visited him in the evenings, as the extra hours moonlighting were fairly light. At least he got to sleep most nights.

 

Residency and fellowship lasted 6 years after medical school. It got gradually easier.

 

Now, it's nothing like that. I think one of the hardest things is that his job isn't really a "job," it's a lifestyle. His cell phone is constantly ringing. He loves it and is great at it, and I'm grateful for that.

 

I am in complete control of our homeschool. Personally, I prefer it that way...;) He has no time to commit to it and trusts me completely.

 

I think that once you get past training, life isn't necessarily any harder than it is for any other profession's family. Although, some specialties are definitely more demanding than others, and that can make a big difference.

 

HTH!

[Soph the vet]

I went through veterinary school, internship, and residency so I can tell you firsthand that the first four years will be the hardest mentally for your dh. By the time that is over, you will just be hitting K or 1st with your eldest, right? Interns and residents work long hours but the drain is different, kind of hard to explain compared to med (vet) school. I got married during my residency but I would never have wanted to be married or have children during vet school.

PLEASE READ THIS PART OF MY POST! My advice to you is be a very involved spouse in his school. Know his classmates, be the great wife who brings baked goods after exams, attends all socials that he attends, become one of the class if you know what I mean. Those who were married in my class and did this are still married. Those who lived separate lives from their spouses at school are now divorced. Med school is very hard on a marriage. Just consider yourself going to med school as well ;). The homeschooling is a really not going to be the issue I think you will find.

[Jane Elliot]

Our oldest was 3 when dh graduated from medical school and 6 when he graduated from residency. We had 3 children born while he was in medical school and 3 children born while he was in residency. We joke that even though I don't remember seeing him at all during residency, I apparently did see him at least 3 times. :001_smile:

 

We've homeschooled all the kids from the very beginning. In the early years and at other times during his career, I had to do most of it alone. But, there have also been long stretches of time when he's been able to handle all upper level math and science questions. Fortunately he's pretty high energy and has never minded studying or even sleeping with kids climbing all over him.

 

You hit on one of the main reasons that homeschooling has been so completely worth it -- the kids get to see their dad when he's available. There's no way I could overemphasize how valuable that's been.

Edited September 30, 2009 by Luann in ID