Do you guide/restrict friendships for your dc in their teens?

[PineFarmMom]

I have a hard time navigating these teenage years, I tell ya!! When they are younger and you are homeschooling them, it seems much easier to just step in and put an end to something that is not positive. As they get older and are letting them make their own decisions and mistakes it just seems harder.

 

Let's say one of your early teen dc (14) had a friend that you just weren't crazy about, how do you handle it? You know that gut feeling you have that someone is just not good for your child, you know the someone is Eddie Haskell reincarnated but you don't have stacks of evidence against them to back you up? I walk a tight line here because I want the dc to learn for themselves some of these lessons, but I'm trying to navigate and discern what to say or do in the situation. Do you just talk to them a lot about friendship? Do you fill their time with other things so that that friendship kind of dies down? How do you do it without just being controlling? I really want to handle it in a good way, a positive and learning way, not a manipulative-mom-who-never-let-me-make-my-own-decisions way, kwim? Dh is a rules guy. He has no trust for this kid either but is understanding of my pov. He'd be cool to just say no more. I'm torn. What do you think?

 

I'm always editing. I re-read this and realized that I made it sound like this particular kid has done nothing wrong and that I just don't like them. I don't have BIG things that the kid has done lately, but they have manipulated and lied in the past. This kid has manipulated my dc in other friendships in the past because of the desire to not have to share my kid with others. My child believes this friend is repentant but I just don't trust this kid anymore, and neither dh nor I have positive feelings...sometimes neither of us can even explain it. We've tried to "give a second chance" here.

Edited September 23, 2009 by Texas T

[Moni]

Do you guide/restrict friendships for your dc in their teens?

Absolutely ;)

 

Do you fill their time with other things so that that friendship kind of dies down? How do you do it without just being controlling?

 

Well that is controlling to me, but I'd have to say I probably do it the controlling way.

 

:seeya:

[PineFarmMom]

Absolutely ;)

 

 

 

Well that is controlling to me, but I'd have to say I probably do it the controlling way.

 

:seeya:

 

Thank you!! I appreciate your response and your honesty. I may just be needing to take control of the situation.

[Crissy]

Do you fill their time with other things so that that friendship kind of dies down?

 

Yes.

 

How do you do it without just being controlling?

 

 

I don't even try. I AM controlling. :D

 

My son has a friend he knows I'm not crazy about. The friend is not a bad kid, but I don't see him growing into a positive influence for Jeffrey in any way, shape or form. He is mouthy and lazy, and has told my son that he "must be insane" for putting up with having to do chores, school work during the summer months and that sort of thing.

When this particular friend calls, I usually find something on the calendar that conflicts with his request. Whenever possible, I like to make that 'something' more fun than whatever the friend had in mind. ;)

[ncmomo3]

I walk a tight line here because I want the dc to learn for themselves some of these lessons, but I'm trying to navigate and discern what to say or do in the situation. Do you just talk to them a lot about friendship? Do you fill their time with other things so that that friendship kind of dies down? How do you do it without just being controlling? I really want to handle it in a good way, a positive and learning way, not a manipulative-mom-who-never-let-me-make-my-own-decisions way, kwim?

 

I do guide-very strongly their choice of friends. If I see behaviors that are problematic, then I ask mine questions... ex: "Did you notice that _____was very disrespectful when they____." , "What did you think when _______said/did ______."

Then my child is having to state other kids behavior and is working through the actions/motives of the other kid.

I don't bash the other kid. I just want to direct my child's awareness if there are real problems with this potential or current friend.

So far, addressing problems this way, I have not had to restrict. My kids have come to the decision that certain friendships were not edifying.

Teen are fun, huh?:001_huh::D

(and yeah, I have control issues, I just try to mask them:001_smile:)

[Sonshine]

My daughter had a friend like this. I didn't realize what a problem this girl was. She hung out with her at co-op for 9 months before I found out that this girl must have some very deep problems and that she was influencing my daughter, not the other way around. She is the first friend I have outright banned with 5 kids, some already grown. Needless to say, it didn't go over well at first, but I am very glad we made that decision.

[Twinmom]

I'm laughing at your description of the friend as "Eddie Haskell," because we have one around here that we've nicknamed Eddie as well! She is rarely called by her real name anymore when DH and I discuss her privately...a way of diffusing the tension, I suppose.

 

We're talking 10 yr olds and not teens here, but I think the same applies. Major problems with this kid...constantly setting up my DD (who has special needs) for being blamed for conflicts, getting DD in trouble for something innocuous when DD won't do what she wants (like, sell her our guinea pig! :glare:), saying ugly things that we hear but switching to sicky-sweet when she notices we are listening. She is super-sweet and innocent to adults, including her parents who do not seem to see the behavior at all. I've tried to discuss it with them but have been quickly cut off. After many conversations with DD about what to do, I handled it by starting to call the girl on her behavior when she was at our home. I'd say things like, "you will need to work this out with DD yourself and not involve me." When that didn't work, it became, "Please stop telling on DD. If you don't like what she is doing, you may go home at any time." I basically cut her game off at the pass, thinking that she'd lose interest in DD (or, better, DD in her!) if the drama was eliminated. Well, it worked beautifully. Said child is no longer in our lives! Unfortunately, I did underestimate her. She hurt DD very deeply by choosing a moment when DD did indeed do something very nasty in response to feeling very manipulated. She went home, told her parents (who see only my DD's behavior as the problem) and later got on the phone with DD and told her she was mean and she didn't want to be her friend anymore. DD was devastated and felt guilty over things that were truly not her fault. A hard friendship lesson learned.

 

If I had it to do over again, I'd have handled it more directly. I'd have been the one to make the phone call and say, "No more, period" rather than to try to drive the girl away or wait for things to blow up and DD be blamed. I'd have told the mom directly rather than let the girls talk it out, in order to allow the mom to explain things to the girl in a way that was not hurtful. That's what I would have hoped she'd have done for me, esp. since they know of DD's special needs and how vulnerable she is. Unfortunately, there is now a deep rift between the parents and I and I think everyone is hurt.

 

So, I'd favor the controlling, direct approach! You've already discussed your concerns with your child and the relationship continues. Go ahead and tell your teen that this is not a healthy relationship and that you want it to end. Tell him/her to always treat the other person with kindness but that time should not be spent with the person outside of school. You'll be happy you did so in the end.

Edited September 24, 2009 by Twinmom

[LibraryLover]

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Edited September 24, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Carol in Cal.]

I talk with adults in charge about what their general guidelines are sometimes--that way it clues them that I care how the kids treat each other and will be watching out for them to keep to their policies.

 

DD has one friend that I don't steer her away from but will not allow her to visit back and forth with. So they only see each other in big group settings. DD understands why this is, and how long it took me to reach that conclusion, and respects that decision.

 

Last year in a team setting there was one child who was actually kind of aggressive--the plausible denial kind of aggression. I made sure that either DH or I was ALWAYS present when that team met, and on the situation without being obvious about it. I waded into a couple of small attacks to demonstrate that I was not unwilling to confront him, and things died down; but it was clear that there needed to be an adult present in addition to the leader whenever he was in the room. I want to add, the adult present was not obviously there just because of him, and we were extremely careful to treat him kindly and not to convey anger or anticipate problems. But we were always present.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

I have done something from every one of these responses. I don't wait for things to go in a bad, uncontrollable direction that my less-than-mature-adult child cannot yet handle.

 

It's been good because my son, at 14, and my daughter, at 10, are showing very good insight and skill in choosing terrific people as friends. I am a lot more controlling in my daughter's life, just for the record, but I definitely step in with a good discussion/pep talk if my son ever needs one to navigate the friendship waters.

[PineFarmMom]

This was all helpful from all of you!! I appreciate it. Do you ever get mind clutter/kind of a fog and can't really make out the truth in a situation? I'm more like that now with pregnancy than in my normal non-pregnancy times. Anyway, I sat my child down earlier and said we would be making some efforts with other friends and having less time spent with this particular friend (this friend is a neighbor, so that's the hard part). I took a firm stand on the matter and all went well; the decision and stand were met with respect. I was really surprised at how much clarity I had after standing firm.

 

My kids have some awesome friends that I just feel good about them spending time with. I trust the parents; I trust the kids. I forget what an absolute gift that is.

[PineFarmMom]

I think I need to print your responses so I know I'm NOT being controlling!!! I'm being a good, protective parent. I'm actually being the adult because my 14yo is just NOT. I'll just repeat that now. Dh has been kindly trying to remind me of that lately. ;)

[Peela]

My dd15 has had a girlfriend I wasn't too keen on. Mainly because I know this girl has been drunk a few times at parties as well as having had lots of boyfriends.

I didn't want to control it and in a way I couldnt because it was through Scouts and Scouts is my dd's whole life. So, I discussed it regularly with her, told her exactly how I felt and why, and talked in such a way to keep dd open to me. I could see her perspective- she felt she could say anything to this girl- they were really open with each other, in a way she couldn't be with her other friends. They discussed things that her more protected homeschooling friends weren't interested yet.

 

It has turned out that dd's first serious boyfriend is this girl's brother. And he is a serious and devoted to her dude, and it has given me a different perspective.

I also spent some more time with this girl as I was helping supervise an activity one day...and I felt I had been overly judgemental, despite what I knew about her.

 

In the end...I keep a close eye on it but I didnt interfere and I am glad I didnt, because it would have hurt dd, and mostly, she is trustworthy. Although some of her Scout friends drink underage- she is against drinking and is in fact a good influence on them in that way. I dont allow her to go to parties that are unsupervised.

It's all new territory for me too...and I feel the nature of the teen involved needs to be considered as well as the negative influence of the friend. In my case, I was very concerned but the concern seems to have been unfounded...so far anyway. Dd is strong enough to not be negatively influenced.

 

I dont want to control much either...but I do. I tell her she cant go to some parties. For a long time, she wasnt allowed to go to any. I control, I set boundaries. But...I didn't want to make my dd rebel by banning a friend that I could not easily ban access to without restricting her life considerably. I preferred to keep the discussion channels open and not alienate dd.

[Catherine]

Some I've nipped in the bud easily when maintaining the friendship took a lot of travel or work. Unfortunately, we have many neighbors who are friendly with my younger boys and we cannot realistically end contact altogether with these kids.

 

My approach has been to supervise closely when "Eddie" was here, and encourage all play to be here. But, especially in warm weather, they are often outside. I also talk a lot with the offender, try to "bring him into the fold", to motivate him to behave better-that, more than anything else, has helped. When incidents have happened, I talk to my boys afterward to help them see how they might have prevented it. This has resulted in them looking for other friends, because they understand that having this boy around is more work to keep fights and "incidents" from happening. I don't mean physical fights, I mean conflicts. So with kids that are unavoidable, I find this approach has worked well.

[PineFarmMom]

Some I've nipped in the bud easily when maintaining the friendship took a lot of travel or work. Unfortunately, we have many neighbors who are friendly with my younger boys and we cannot realistically end contact altogether with these kids.

 

My approach has been to supervise closely when "Eddie" was here, and encourage all play to be here. But, especially in warm weather, they are often outside. I also talk a lot with the offender, try to "bring him into the fold", to motivate him to behave better-that, more than anything else, has helped. When incidents have happened, I talk to my boys afterward to help them see how they might have prevented it. This has resulted in them looking for other friends, because they understand that having this boy around is more work to keep fights and "incidents" from happening. I don't mean physical fights, I mean conflicts. So with kids that are unavoidable, I find this approach has worked well.

 

This reminded me of something ds said to me. We let a neighbor boy spend the night over here this past summer without my really having thought it through that well. He spent the whole night trying to get ds to disobey in some form or fashion. He brought M-rated video games that I had said no to so he wanted them to do that after I had gone to bed and not play all the others we have here that we allow, wanted them to stay up later than I had allowed, to watch things I wouldn't allow, was really just waiting & looking for a chance to rebel and be sneaky. Ds told me after the kid left that he had never been so ready for anyone to leave his home, never wanted that kid to stay again, and that he had felt like he was in prison the entire time!! I felt bad for even allowing this kid to stay...I normally would screen things a little better. But it absolutely made me feel ds was firm and had no desire to hang with that type of person.

[Vanna]

My kiddos aren't teens yet, but they're getting there!

[Nestof3]

From my experience, Aaron senses the friendship will not work before or around the same time I sense it. So, my answer would be to work on your son's discernment, heart, what he sees as important in a friend/the purpose of friends.

 

But, yes, I would restrict friendships if I really felt it was detrimental.

 

Aaron and I are just able to talk about these things, and he considers what I say because he values my opinion.

 

We did a lot of restricting when he was young, and we are doing the same thing with Nathan and Ben. I am not guaranteeing that they will have the same heart to us when they are teens, but I do think it helped that we always stressed while Aaron was growing up the importance of surrounding himself with friends who do not bring him down. We stress that it's okay to play paintball with a bunch of guys you don't really know, but the people you choose to bring along side of you as a friend ought to be people who bring out the best in you, who really care about you.

Edited September 24, 2009 by nestof3

[Jean in Newcastle]

Part of it depends on my child. My tween (12) is easily led by other boys. If they are being foolish (not just silly) or even disobedient, he will make a half-hearted attempt to resist peer pressure. Then if the other boy is strong-willed (and all the "Eddie Haskell's" we've met are) he will give in for the sake of harmony. So, at least at this younger end of the beginning teen years, he does not have the capacity to be in a friendship of that kind. So, like Crissy, I make sure our calendar is very full when "Eddie" calls.

[HomeschoolCarol]

I do guide-very strongly their choice of friends. If I see behaviors that are problematic, then I ask mine questions... ex: "Did you notice that _____was very disrespectful when they____." , "What did you think when _______said/did ______."

Then my child is having to state other kids behavior and is working through the actions/motives of the other kid.

I don't bash the other kid. I just want to direct my child's awareness if there are real problems with this potential or current friend.

So far, addressing problems this way, I have not had to restrict. My kids have come to the decision that certain friendships were not edifying.

Teen are fun, huh?:001_huh::D

(and yeah, I have control issues, I just try to mask them:001_smile:)

 

 

:iagree:

 

I really prefer when my children are able to come to the same conclusion that I have...so I also guide them towards seeing these things. I tend to restrict their together time to OUR house so that I know what's going on to be able to point it out.

 

Controlling....yes, probably very much so....but I believe it is my JOB to help my children discern the good influence folks from the not-so-good and downright-bad influence folk. As teens this influence becomes more powerful, and therefore, with my child's lack of experience requires my help even more.

 

One thing I NEVER do though, is sneak about it. My kids all know that my need to know what is going on is not about control, it's about their safety and wellbeing. I have sadly watched while friends have hurt my children because that is part of growing up so I've pointed out things, but not removed them from the situation (as I would have when they were younger). It is a fine line, but my kids know my reasons for doing what I do (including saying no to some group outings because certain people will be along) are solely for their protection. They don't always agree, but they know it is done with love, so they accept it (sometimes grudgingly).

 

As they have gotten older I have seen that our previous talks concerning other friends do carry over into new friends....as I see the same behavior but my child picks up on it and points it out to ME rather than me to them. This makes me know that I'm doing the right thing, as obviously they are gaining the experience and knowledge to discern for themselves. As they do I know that I will loosen the reigns a little more each time. My goal is that by the time they are ready to leave home they have these skills deeply entrenched so they can discern even though I'm not around. Lofty goals considering all the hazards they can (and will) run into as young adults on their own, but I hope to get close!

 

I remember as a child my parents simply forbidding me to be friends with someone....and of course I resented it and then would do things like sneak to see them.....tell my parents I'm going with a group and fail to mention forbidden person was going also, etc. I do NOT want my children to do this, so I am trying hard to be open and honest with them about WHY. I think had my parents just explained the whys I might have made better choices....or at least have known the hazards to watch out for. In many cases, of course, my parents were right but I didn't learn that until much later after sneaking around....but in some cases I never did understand their reasons. They could have saved me a bit of heartache and trouble if they'd been more open....thus, my goal is to do so with my children. So far it's working, as my children come to me and talk about things I wouldn't have even considered talking to my parents about.

[angela in ohio]

I like most children, but I cannot take the Eddie Haskell type. We know two families of them, and I always avoid their kids when I can and steer my dc away from them. I think you can fix a lot of behavior problems, but I have rarely seen this type change their ways.

 

I discuss dc's friends with them often. I dropped 13 yo dd off for an activity last night, and before she got out of the van we talked about who would be there, who would be a good choice to talk to, who to avoid, etc. We are around a lot of people and teens, and we just have to have frank conversations about them with dc. We had some issues with some boys with 7 yo ds last year, and we are coming out of months of "re-training" him about who to gravitate towards when we are in groups. They won't know how to choose friends wisely unless we tell them how. Like PP, we use a lot of question-and-answer conversations to help dc realize on their own when possible.